I can’t stand living with my mother in law anymore!

[plhelm]

Hello, hope someone can help me find some perspective. I just feel totally lost and sad at the moment. I’ve NC as I don’t want to be outed.

Being from an Asian background, when I got married 17 years ago I was expected to live with the in laws. It took a lot of adjusting but I was able to do it has I was younger. Now I’m older, I feel like I want to be in control of my life and not be told off like a little girl all the time. My mother in law in very domineering and must have the last word. I get told off constantly. Either it’s the way I’m looking after the children, or how I’ve cooked a meal.

I have very limited say in anything. I’ve spoken to my husband and he says that he won’t move out and if I do, it’ll mean a divorce. He said I knew the situation when I married him. Tbh the relationship isn’t great anyway and I feel like a single mum anyway.

I just need to escape. The problem is my finances aren’t great. It’s all tangled up with the household finances which my MIL has ultimate control over.

The kids go to school in a nearby town, the houses are ridiculously expensive, I won’t be able to afford even on my full time salary.

I’m worried if I leave, that my husband will get the kids, because he’s in a better financial position. My family lives in another part of the country and won’t be able to help. I just don’t know where to start.

Thank you for reading!

I'm so sorry that you are in this position. Please be careful as planning to leave can put you at risk. There are specialist organisations that can help you, this is one but I'm sure there are others, not sure where you are in the country. Can you see a solicitor for legal advice too? I hope you can get some outside support and make a plan. You deserve to live a life free from the abuse and control of your husband's family.

https://www.saheli.org.uk/

OP I’m not from an Asian background so my understanding is all secondhand through friends and neighbours.

Would your husband get on board with interconnecting houses? Perhaps frame it as giving MIL more peace from noisy teens and having enough space for your own DS to bring his wife home when the time comes? I appreciate this may not be what you want for your child’s future family, but as an argument it might be convincing.

Setting up a freedom fund is a very good idea. Go into the branch to do it. Your husband doesn’t need to know about it and you can deposit cash so there’s no electronic trace from your existing accounts. Ask the bank not to send any paperwork to your address - explain why. Start using cash more (a few friends have had their cards cloned and it’s made you nervous) then you’ll be able to siphon some off without it being noticeable.

I’m sorry you’ve drawn the short straw with your MIL. Good luck x

I think you should seek legal advice so you know exactly where you stand and can make a plan.

Just have no idea, how to take control of my life because I've never had the opportunity.

It starts from within you - recognising that this is YOUR life, and you have the right to live your life how you want to. Find your power and confidence.

Then you recognise that the law is on your side.
You are in the UK, so you have rights. Regardless of the community or culture in which you live. No-one, not even your husband, is entitled to take away your property (jewellery), control your money that you earn, or control how you spend your time.
He cannot "take away" your children - they are old enough that the law will give them the choice of where to live if you do move out. You can just simply move out and take them, then facilitate them visiting his house on a reasonable planned regular basis. Do you drive? Can the youngest get buses alone?

Then you get advice, from Mumsnet, from colleagues, from professionals, from charities and advice services, from whoever. Don't be embarrassed to ask.

Then you decide what you actually want. Do you want to move out? Get divorced?
Is there any way to stay in the current home but essentially ignore your MIL? Can you learn to not care what she thinks and says, and just get on with your own life whilst living there? Can you answer her back if she makes comments, argue with her, tell her exactly what you think?
What is likely to happen when she passes away? Will your DH inherit the whole house?
Are you currently lined up to be her carer when she gets old? Do you want to be a carer, doing intimate cleaning, bathing, etc?

Then you make your plans and take action - either all at once, in a big show-down, or subtly and silently, playing the long-game.

Most importantly - is there any likelihood that your husband will get violent?
If you are completely sure it would never come to that, it makes your situation better, because then you don't have to fear his attempts at financial control, emotional control, manipulation of the children, or whatever else he tries on.

Just be careful - because the more you find your own power and take back control, the harder he and MIL will try to put you back in your box and keep things the way they used to be.

How is your relationship with your children? Would they support moving out with you?

The children have a great lifestyle tbh. Grandparents love them including MIL. I would feel so guilty taking them away from all this. I don't know if I should just suck it up and carry on.

Dear OP Please check the website "Rights of Women"
It is a brilliant resource for women who are victims of cultural suppression as well as anyone thinking of separating, it has free advice line and fact sheets on the law, child contact etc when you decide to end a marriage. It covers your rights in the UK and they can help you find a solicitor.
No one can make you do anything, that you are not ready for but at least you will be aware of your rights in a long and potentially abusive marriage.

https://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/

I would not assume you can wait because you simply don't know if you health could collapse before that.

You're in a coercive relationship. You may be able to take your children to a women's aid refuge while you scrape together enough for a deposit on a rental.

Take legal advice now.

Are they all boys? If not, what do you want for your daughter/s?

First things first, set up an additional bank account that he doesn't have access to. Secondly any bank accounts that aren't joint stop his access. Thirdly you have as many rights as him re the children, money doesn't come into it. I would suggest you bide your time, get things in order and do somehow save money into your new account.

There's specific advice from people who have been in your situation but remember anything in your husbands name is by default marital property

Op, do you own the other half of the house, or does his mom? I would find that wedding jewellery and try to force a sale of the house. Any time she criticises the food or anything, give it back to her. What does she do all day? Remind her you work full time and look after your three kids, and she's a guest in your home.

Tell her she's a rude, vile, abusive person. Don't cook for her or your husband, let them fend for themselves. Since she doesn't approve of your cooking and hers is so superior, that should suit her well. When you hear her criticize you from the other room, tell her you can hear her and confront her.

Your husband sounds abusive too by hiding the wedding jewellery.

This is terrible for your health op, please don't stay for the kids. It isn't a healthy relationship for them to see modeled. I don't like the adjoined house idea, it's still too close. Perhaps I just have too much of a temper, but I'd tell her to leave, either get a place on her own or with SIL.

I suspect the children will get very upset if you go for divorce. Shared custody is not ideal for the children. I am not trying to guilt trip you, I am stating the obvious. Can you find some hobbies to get you out of the house more? Something very innocuous to start with like a cooking class. You can then expand into something else that is more suited to your interests. As others said do try going after every job opportunity without telling your family. Do open a high interest bank account and opt out of bank communication. Do speak to Women's Aid just to make sure there's no actual abuse going on, many women don't realise they have been abused until much later. I still suspect you might want to grin and bear until your youngest is 18. I know what I say is against the majority of advice. I would also say that many women start thinking about divorce once the youngest is slightly more independent, typically age 10-11

Op, you’ve had lots of very good advice so I’ll just wish you well and will you on to finding a way forward out of a very upsetting situation. 💐

Do you do shopping in the big stores
if so when you do the weekly shop get cash back
20 a week is 1k a year
40 is 2k a year
keep the cash safe maybe in a locker at work

suits me accounts will do accounts for people with no fixed address they just want ID like a passport
so you could use your work address for the debit
card to be sent to

it also won’t show up on your credit file as it’s a bank account it’s a pre paid card you can top up in cash at any shop that accept Paypoint

or go to the post office and get a post office travel card
they give you the card straight away
you need ID passport / driving licence
min top up is £50 and just tell them you want it in pounds it will cost you £3 so 53 in total to get the card
you can top up in cash in at any post office
and the app is online

same for Asda travel card which you can buy in the shop and add cash to it

with these two there is no trace as nothing comes to your house no cards / letters or anything
and it won’t show on your credit file

good luck
it will take time
but you can do a little bit each week / month and have a plan

Look for things at work that go through payroll but that you have control over.

Your work pension - max your contributions to it. Sharesave or share purchase schemes - have the payouts paid to another account that only you have access to.

As for your wedding jewellery - well tell hubby you want to show it off to a friend who wasn't at the wedding as the photos don't do it justice. Don't give it back to him.

I'm not from a cultural background so I won't pretend to understand, but it's plain to see that half of the posters here don't seem to recognise that you moving money would not be a safe thing to do if you got caught. You need sound advice. Definitely get onto those aid groups that deal specifically with cultural abuse. You need people who understand these dynamics and please ignore those who told you to get a hobby or stick it out because of the children. My god......

OP could give her work address for a new bank account if necessary. There is no need whatever for DH to have access to HER bank accounts, only if one of them is joint. As for putting up with it for13 years as someone suggested - why should OP give up a chunk of her life to this rubbish? Make whatever changes you can to your life OP. Would Womens Aid be able to help with advice re. accommodation?

One small suggestion I read on another thread was when doing the weekly shop buy a gift card for the same shop (eg Tesco or similar) keep them safe and in a worst case situation you can secretly save some money to know you access easily and buy pretty much an essentials you need.

Thank you for all your advice. It's been very useful. I need to figure out if what I'm going through is abuse or just how it is. Luckily money hasn't been a big issue for me as I've worked and my husband works, but we both have to be very transparent to my MIL where our money goes.

I just wish I could turn back the hands of time, and never have agreed to living with my in laws. I know it has its benefits especially when it comes to the kids, but it has been a very suffocating life.

I would be nice to be able to decorate the house how I would like, it would be nice to sleep in or leave a pot in the sink unwashed without the constant moaning.

Again thank you for all your replies.

I'm not threatened physically at all btw. I don't know, maybe I'm being too sensitive...

He has access to all my banking accounts and I'm worried that he'll find out what I'm doing if I try and put money to one side.

Op, set up your own account and have all of your wages direct deposited into it. Your husband can't prevent you from doing this, so do so right away.

I was going to ask what would happen if you just have your wages deposited in your own account? And just refuse to let anyone see it?

I could have written this post. Going through the exact same thing. We are at the stage where I have said I need my own space and he has told me he is not leaving his family. So I have applied for divorce which has caused everyone to stop talking to me. I was hoping that would make him understand that all I am asking for is some space but if not then I can do this without him. Like you, I just want to live my life the way I want and dreamt of. If you need someone to talk to I am here.