AIBU was I being disrespectful?

[Whiteoleander2]

I brought up immunizations with sons dad (son 8 had all his immunizations) I'm now pregnant again and since that time his views on immunizing babies at such a young age has changed and he is now against it. All's I said was if he could look into them more and I started listing the names of them at which point he cut the conversation off and told me to stop listing them he wasn't interested and to come back to the conversation when I'd read a certain book on vaccines he'd suggested. I did keep listing them for a split second and then stopped, he then walked out the room in a huff, informed me he was putting his headphones in so couldn't hear my voice, I didn't respond, then 10 or so minutes later walked back in the room again muttered something about keeping his headphones in or something snide then walked back out again I didn't respond, just sat quietly, then another 5 minutes later walked in again and told me I was fucking disrespectful and not to do that again. Again I didn't respond. Was I being disrespectful not respecting his wishes to end the conversation immediately when he asked?

I tried to bring it up a few hours later saying I was willing to be open and read the book but I obviously would still be worried for the baby and all's I wanted was some support and reassurance to know that he felt the same, he told me he doesn't do comfort or reassurance only truth and it
instead it turned into a fight where he repeatedly called me a c-u-n-t multiple times

I feel so sad and alone and have no family or friends to speak to about this. Everytime someone asks if I'm ok at work I say fine, everytime my midwife asks if I'm ok I say yeah, I just can't bring myself to speak to anyone, even writing this is so hard and I question if the argument was my fault for being disrespectful.

Because he'd been mentioning his new views on vaccines since I've been pregnant so felt only right I hear him out and we have a discussion as we are both parents and I wouldn't want to act alone.

Are there any African/Pakistan etc older people who can explain what's it like to live in fear of your child getting an illness that could be easily prevented? I can remember and know people affected by polio. Walk around the cemeteries and look up what was going around when you come across graves with multiple children in. They had clean air and fresh, organic food. I was at the hospital the other day, a woman came in with a very ill toddler who had measles. She'd been talked out of the vaccinations. I'd worry that he wouldn't seek medical help if minding the baby. You've got to take the lead. His views will rub off on your older child.

I'd just take them and get the vaccinations and tell him that he doesn't get an opinion unless he can express it politely without name calling.

Then I'd divorce him.

Don't raise the subject again and just vaccinate your child without his knowledge or involvement. Don't give him the opportunity to tell your GP he doesn't consent to the vaccinations.

There is no reasoning with anti-vaxxers. Believe me, I have been there with my ex. Get them vaccinated and don’t argue with him about it.

Take advice from medical professionals, not people radicalised by internet conspiracy theories.

LTB and vaccinate your child.

I feel so sad and alone and have no family or friends to speak to about this. Everytime someone asks if I'm ok at work I say fine, everytime my midwife asks if I'm ok I say yeah, I just can't bring myself to speak to anyone, even writing this is so hard and I question if the argument was my fault for being disrespectful.

I'd start by telling friends, colleagues, and first and foremost, your midwife so you have moral and emotional support from somewhere during your pregnancy.

Did you know before now that you were with a nasty, controlling, vindictive, abusive manbaby or has this all come as a terrible shock? It's hard to believe reading your posts that your partner is a prince among men in every other area of the relationship, but somehow, the subject of immunisation unleashes some kind of inner beast.

He is the cunt (yes, you can say that word on here), not you.

Open up to your midwife and other health care professionals, they are there to help you so don't clam up. They've seen it all before too. Also maybe talk to people at work who ask.

I wouldn't personally bother discussing the issue with him again. I'd just go out and get my baby vaccinated without telling him. In fact, I don't recall anyone ever asking me whether we had jointly decided on the vaccinations. I just took them DH's input wasn't sought. That was well over 20 years ago now.

Just get your babies vaccinated and reconsider the relationship with their father.

My ex had/has lots of opinions without foundation. My rule is that unless he can come to me with research and an alternative, thought out plan, I will do what I think is best.

He is antivax. I research every single vaccine. Its risks vs the risks of what it is for. Alternative schedules. Presented him with it all and he didn't even read it. He still sulked every time our DS had a vaccine and when DS was poorly he refused to help comfort DS in any way.

As far as I'm concerned you don't get to just throw out opinions and expect to be obeyed when you can't put in any work to research or apply any thought.

It didn't go well for me, he became violent and abusive when I refused to blindly obey his dictatorship once it concerned my child. Apparently I had been doing so for years, I'm more than willing to allow myself to suffer, but I wouldn't accept the same for DS.

It’s ok to have a difference of opinion and have a discussion about that. Its not ok to
call your OH a cunt.

It genuinely can come as a shock. It's easy to not realise how badly someone is treating you. You're not as blind to how badly someone treats your child. Before DS my priority was exDH, his priority was also himself, so we aligned. When DS was born his priority remained himself, mine became DS. That's really when they start getting nasty and violent becuase they're losing control and not getting constantly appeased any more.

Ignore him. He's an utter dickhead who's had his head filled with stupid, totally inaccurate online anti-vax bollocks.

Disregarding all the other stuff that obviously needs dealing with, I'd never ever put a vaccine into any child of mine.

He sounds as thick as two planks.

I would say "fine dear" then take your baby for their vaccines.

If he has a problem with protecting his child from illness, he can jog on.

If he won't read something you suggest, you don't need to entertain this nonsense. If it makes a difference, Ben Goldacre, who wrote the book I suggested, is an Oxford educated doctor. As well as also studying at UCL, Milan, King's College. Better educated than your DH, I suspect

I do think you need to think about leaving. His behaviour, even without the vaccine nonsense, is dreadful.

Not at all, I guess it's just hard to accept like I just can't get my head around it or believe it because I genuinely seen him as solid 10, he was loyal, trusting, honest, had morals, I felt I could trust him with my life. Sure he wasn't perfect, we've argued but he'd always own up to when he was wrong and make changes but now he doesn't even bother to apologize and it's like watching everything I loved about him slip away slowly and painfully, he changes almost monthly now and I've made some changes to try and keep up with him but constantly feel like it's not enough and I'm just a disappointment and won't/can't be what he wants from me no matter what I do.

Predictable. Here come the antivax conspiracy theorists and bullshitters.

My daughters have had dozens of vaccines each over the years, including the usual childhood ones, boosters, the ones offered in school, travel vaccines if required and Covid vaccines. As have I. We are all still present and correct. No issues at all.

Your poor children open to all sorts of fatal illnesses. You need to educate yourself. You're too accustomed to living in a safe country, that is only safe from many horrific diseases because of immunisations.

Don't worry, you'll be pleased to know they're on their way back into the UK thanks to people like you.

This is such a good explanation.

OP I would just echo everything MrsTP has said.

This relationship is not healthy (quite separate from the conspiracy theories) please tell your midwife what's happening & any friends/family you trust.

I'm sorry you're in this situation, it's not your fault & you can have the safe happy future you deserve 💐

Leave him and get your baby vaccinated!

Thankyou I'll have a read of the book. The one he suggested I read is vax-unvax by Robert f. Kennedy jr. If you have heard of it?

It doesn't try and say one or the other is right or wrong it just outlines alot of data and graphs between vaxed and unvaxed basically. He actually hasn't even read the book himself he said he's just seen alot about the book but has said he will read it.

This.
That sort of abuse is only going to get worse.
Get your baby vaccinated without telling him, if necessary.
Did you see that baby with measles on the news last night? In ICU with tubes etc, who nearly died? That baby wasn't old enough to be vaccinated, but diseases like measles and rubella are becoming more widespread because of lack of immunity.
Measles and rubella can kill babies and children with a weakened immune system , if for example they have treatment for leukemia. When I queried giving DS2 the triple vaccine, the consultant told me that he had never seen a child receiving treatment for cancer survive measles/rubella. That was quite sobering, especially as we knew a child who had just been diagnosed with leukemia. It's not that unusual, I have known 3 different children with that diagnosis, all classmates of my DC. Don't listen to your stupid anti-vax partner, do what you know is right for your baby. You don't even have to discuss it, seeing as he doesn't want a discussion. Just get it done.

I bet you would if you were visiting a country where something like polio or yellow fever was endemic.
You have the privilege of heard immunity in the UK because the majority are vaccinated.

Robert F Kennedy Jr:

Kennedy continued his education at Harvard University, graduating in 1976 with a Bachelor of Arts in American history and literature. In 1982, he earned a Juris Doctor degree from the University of Virginia School of Law[18] and a Master of Laws from Pace University in 1987.

No medicine, no research qualifications, not even maths for the statistics. Not qualified.