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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Child not invited to partners brothers wedding.

100 replies

SEA2508 · 29/08/2024 23:28

’ve been with my partner for 4 years. He has a child and so do I both from previous relationships. His brother is getting married and myself, my partner and his child are invited but my child isn’t. We have met plenty of times, gone on holidays together and always felt accepted by all his family so this has come as a bit of a shock. There are lots of other children attending the wedding. Would anyone else be annoyed by this, or am I overthinking it?

OP posts:
BarbaraHoward · 30/08/2024 09:34

Tiredofthewhirring · 30/08/2024 09:29

@BarbaraHoward

Stepchild has no legal status in this country though. Only if parental responsibility is transferred.

I know that. Confused But marriage is a clear signal to the world that this child is a part of your family. Not inviting a child who's part of the extended family through marriage would be awful.

Partners' children can have much more varied relationships with the new partner and their wider family. In some cases it would be awful to leave them out, others it would be weird to invite them and most will be somewhere in between.

M103 · 30/08/2024 09:36

I think it is mean. I wouldn't attend either.

aspaceodyssey · 30/08/2024 09:49

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

hydriotaphia · 30/08/2024 10:00

YANBU at all. I think that it is absolutely horrible to exclude a child in these circumstances. Absolutely inexcusable. You have done the right thing by not attending.

NeedToChangeName · 30/08/2024 10:11

OP, your other thread is almost identical, except you've changed "Their reason is immediate family only" to "There are lots of other children attending the wedding", presumably to influence the replies on this thread https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/wedding/5153739-my-child-is-not-invited-to-partners-siblings-wedding

That said, personally, I would have included my sister's 9 year old stepchild as "immediate family" for a wedding. I think it's unkind not to, and gives a clear message about how they feel about your child

My child is not invited to partners siblings wedding | Mumsnet

I’ve been with my partner for 4 years. He has a child and so do I both from previous relationships. His brother is getting married and myself, my part...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/wedding/5153739-my-child-is-not-invited-to-partners-siblings-wedding

mitogoshi · 30/08/2024 10:14

I wouldn't expect my children to be invited to my dps brothers wedding, it's next year. I suppose size matters a bit too, a massive 250 person wedding it seems a bit mean but a smaller affair it's really not a big deal

MrsDrDear · 30/08/2024 10:22

YANBU and are doing the right thing.
I hope you don't plan to have a child with DP, it would be even worse then for your child to be left out and the new sibling be invited to everything.

Anxioustealady · 30/08/2024 10:29

I'm wondering how many step children there are throughout the family and if they didn't want to add 15 children they aren't related to, that's where they drew the line? It might not be personal to your child

Tiredofthewhirring · 30/08/2024 10:33

Does your DC actually WANT to go OP?

Mine find weddings really dull

Namechangejustincase24 · 30/08/2024 10:34

I didn’t take my DD to my partner’s siblings’s wedding, they aren’t her family.

sashh · 30/08/2024 10:35

I think the relevant thing is whether other step children are invited? If it is just your child that is mean. If the bride and groom have siblings with lots of blended families it might just be a way to cut down the numbers.

Katemax82 · 30/08/2024 10:35

my stepson was originally going to get married in italy and said only specifically my youngest (and conveiniently all kids his age and under) wasnt invited! hes now getting married in england (probably because my other stepson is going to become a dad himself soon and wont leave his kid behind). I still dont want to go and stay home with my son as im a bit hurt by my son being singled out in my family

Fluufer · 30/08/2024 10:39

It's a bit mean, but equally, it's your partners brothers wedding. Do you or your child actually care? I can't imagine my 8yo giving a hoot about a my partners brothers wedding, If it's a large family, or there's lots of blending, or it's a small wedding they have to draw the line somewhere. Fine if you don't want to go, but you could arrange childcare, weddings are usually planned well in advance.

Westfacing · 30/08/2024 10:40

As you are living together as a family unit I think it's mean of him not to invite your young child, particularly as you've been together four years, not like it's just a few months.

I wouldn't attend either.

BabaYetu · 30/08/2024 10:40

@SEA2508 - is this statement from your other thread true?

Their reason is immediate family only

Because that’s perfectly reasonable. If they are keeping numbers tight and are going for immediate family only, that means lots of potentially invited people can’t be on the list. Friends’ children, cousins’ children, lots of people.

It also makes it plain that, as the groom’s brother’s girlfriend, you are definitely a plus one and not immediately family. As has been commented above, plus ones don’t bring their children.

I honestly wouldn’t take it as a slight. They are cutting their coat to fit their cloth.

Anguauberwaldironfoundersson · 30/08/2024 11:07

I was that child and it still stings 30 years later. I was 9 and my DM and DSDad had been together/married for 7 years. I lived with them 13/14 days of the week. My DB & DS (DSDads bio kids) were flower girl and pageboy for DSDads brother. I wasn't invited and was packed off to my grandparents for the weekend. It hurts that my parents never spoke up for me and didn't think it was important. At the time I thought I was part of DSDads family but looking back they always treated me differently.

OhmygodDont · 30/08/2024 11:17

Crux of the issue. His your dear partner. Not your husband.

You are his plus one invited as his partner/girlfriend. You child isn’t even his brothers step child as his just your boyfriend.

noctu · 30/08/2024 11:52

Anxioustealady · 30/08/2024 10:29

I'm wondering how many step children there are throughout the family and if they didn't want to add 15 children they aren't related to, that's where they drew the line? It might not be personal to your child

This is also what I was thinking. Is it a case of 'if I invite X I also have to invite Y, Z'? They have to draw a line somewhere.
Also (not saying I agree with this) a lot of people will draw lines on these situations based on if you are married or not.

MrsSkylerWhite · 30/08/2024 11:53

Numbers line has to be drawn somewhere.

Can your child spend a nice day with grandparents/sleepover with a friend?

Rory17384949 · 30/08/2024 12:04

I think it's really mean to leave a child out! I wouldn't go either.
Do the B&G have children? Maybe they just don't get it

GabriellaMontez · 30/08/2024 12:09

It's always about context in these situations.

You live together as a family and holiday together. They're not strangers. Therefore he should be invited.

I'd also not be attending.

StarbucksSally · 30/08/2024 12:21

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4751479-eldest-child-and-in-law-wedding?page=13
Don’t know if link will work.
My eldest is half-siblings with my other kids deemed worthy to attend, not step siblings.

That wedding proved a turning point in our lives with eldest distancing herself from DH’s family. I did stay at home with her but crucially did not give her an alternative ‘treat’ because someone else on another thread on the same exclusionary theme said by treating the excluded stepchild it would give the impression that they were actually missing something worthwhile.

Our actual family hasn’t really been affected but eldest refuses to go and see my in-laws. DH is under the illusion that it’s her age but it is totally because of that wedding.

BiL said he couldn’t invite her because his cousins’ kids would have to be invited, you know actual family!!

OP you have to work out if this is a dealbreaker With your partner. You have to reframe your son’s attitude to your in-laws. So he isn’t upset going on. Are you intending to have kids with your partner? Seeing half- siblings being treated differently is different from seeing a step-sibling treated differently.

Does your child have a father in his life?

Page 13 | Eldest Child and In-Law Wedding | Mumsnet

Brother-in-law split up with a long-term Partner at the beginning of the pandemic because of his unwillingness to get married. I think he was shocked...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4751479-eldest-child-and-in-law-wedding?page=13

HVfan · 06/11/2024 05:44

SEA2508 · 29/08/2024 23:28

’ve been with my partner for 4 years. He has a child and so do I both from previous relationships. His brother is getting married and myself, my partner and his child are invited but my child isn’t. We have met plenty of times, gone on holidays together and always felt accepted by all his family so this has come as a bit of a shock. There are lots of other children attending the wedding. Would anyone else be annoyed by this, or am I overthinking it?

I can appreciate taking time before marrying but just cause you are playing house does not mean the world will treat you like you are married. You two have not committed to each other why should they commit? You are the guest of the adult attending. Often kids are first cousins, niece and nephews and their own children if it was a late wedding. That can be 12 kids already. If every adult guest brought their partners kids it could really add up. When you marry your child becomes his in their minds. The royal family really trendsetters to include the Queen’s grandkids.

Several wanted me to set an age requirement and I said I was not leaving off the invite list first cousins. I was the first to marry on the one side and second on the other. Whether their parents brought them or not was up to them. Half my cousins were minors when I married. Half were adults. There were 8 minors at the wedding and as my grandma predicted she was chasing some of them to get them to behave and not be under tables and messing with the place settings. Oh well, the date who drunk of an adult cousin more out of sorts than the kids.

If my sister’s boyfriend, later became my BIL, had a child from a previous relationship that child would have been invited. I would not want to risk her not having an date that night cause he could not get babysitting. And I would be treating the child as if family when they are around me while trying to not get attached. Cause it’s not marriage yet.

Guest100 · 06/11/2024 06:12

It’s their wedding, and they can invite whoever they like. I doubt being married has anything to do with it, it’s not the 1950s. But they can also deal with the consequences of their choice. I wouldn’t go either, don’t be pressured into going. If your DP doesn’t enjoy himself, he doesn’t have to stay beyond the speeches.

thenoldmrsrabbit · 06/11/2024 07:24

@SEA2508
I think you are doing the right thing staying with your child.

However, this is one of those occasions where you just have to accept things are what they are.
The choice to be a blended family presumably gives you personally many positives,but you cannot eliminate what you may perceive as the negatives for you or your child, especially when these negatives are through choices of people outside of your immediate blended family.

Don't illude yourself or your child that blended families are exactly the same as non blended ones. Not because you can't be a happy and loving family, obviously, but because in life sometimes other people will need to draw lines, and, just as it's common to use the male/ female line, or the over/ under a certain age line, for instance primary or secondary children distinction, biological family is also a line of demarcation.

You may prefer it not to be, and you may feel that it isn't right to draw this line, but in society we need to be able to be free to categorise and prioritise.

In my own life I would prioritise biological family when there are finite resources, especially in traditional celebrations but would be inclusive of all if there weren't.

This means that had I enough money and also mental capacity to cope with a certain amount of people I would invite them all. If I didn't I would prioritise the well being of relatives over friends in a wedding celebration because of the nature of the event.
I am happy for other people to prioritise differently and was perfectly fine in not being invited to younger family members' weddings because they chose to invite more friends.

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