To not want random teenagers in my house daily?

[CreativeOriginalUsername]

Genuinely don’t know if IABU and an old grumpy git.

I have two 18YO. They work shifts, I WFH 9-5(ish).

Every single day, they appear at home with friends. Often in the daytime as I’m working. They don’t ask first. Sometimes it’s one of them, often it’s both of them.

But I am SO sick of it. The noise and disruption. The lack of courtesy in not even letting me know. The fact it’s completely pointless, as sometimes they’re just appearing with friends to pick stuff up and then leave again a few minutes later, so their friends don’t even need to be here. And I just don’t want 3-4 random people in my house every single day!

It is starting to drive me demented. I don’t want to say their friends can’t come over, but surely every day, multiple times a day, without even letting us know they’re bringing people over is a bit much?!

If it’s relevant, they pay zero in rent/board and contribute nothing to the house in terms of chores either, but that’s a different story (and something I will be changing, quickly).

Thanks for replies. It’s almost nice to hear IABU so I don’t say anything to them I’ll later regret 😆

They aren’t going to uni, no.

They aren’t hugely disruptive, but they can be noisy. Loud music is common. And it’s annoying when I’m walking across the hallway from the shower and run into random teenagers because they haven’t bothered to let me know people are coming over. Or I’m trying to get ready and people walk past the door or come inside my room. Or they’re cooking/feeding their friends when I’m trying to work. Or chatting right outside my office room when I’m on the phone. Or I’m answering the door for their takeaways because they’re upstairs…

And on that note, the third set of teenagers just arrived. Honestly, if it was a couple of times a week it would be fine. But multiple times a day is a bit much.

You are being reasonable in expecting warning, especially when working.

At 18 their behaviour is normal, and I think this is one of the many instances where WFH is the problem. A home is a home, not a workplace. But now men who WFH are pushing their wife and toddler out of the house to avoid noise, people who WFH in the kitchen are getting angry with family members boiling the kettle, and now parents who WFH are getting cross about their children having friends in even for a few minutes.

You would not be unreasonable to set some ground rules, but do think carefully about whether you want your house to be a home or a workplace, and how keen you really are to push your children out.

And btw none of them should be going into your room!

What do you want us to do?
Can't you tell your own kids that their friends can't come in and have to wait at the door?

I miss the chaos and the Housefull now it's no longer there

It's normal, you know where they are and who they're with. You have an insight on when things go wrong.

Set boundaries
Tell them they can have friends over if there’s a reason for it, if not can they just wait outside as you’re working if it’s a quick pop in and out?
If it’s for longer periods tell them can they run it past you first.
Then tell them they need to pay board!

I wanted my house to be like this. We bought a bigger house, thinking their friends could come round when they were teens.

Ds never leaves his room.

Dd goes to someone else's house. Partly, I think, because she's embarrassed by her older db.

I don't think YABU. I hate people being in my house, it's my sanctuary, I never feel quite relaxed with others in the house. Saying that my 18 year old does have friends or boyfriend over but she will always check that it's okay first and I've never said no but I've made it clear that it's not a late night thing.

It reads to me like you see the house as your workplace from 9-5, but it's also your children's home and they should be able to cook, chat to friends and socialise if that's what they want to do.

WFH is a choice - if you're being disturbed then it's on you to prevent that from happening - so lock the door, or use noise-cancelling headphones etc.

I love have young people in my house - they bring a different energy to it.

I'm with you OP.
I WFH (albeit in a garden office), but I just like to know who's in my home, or at least "I'm bringing some friends home for an hour before we go out".

My home is my haven. I welcome my son's friends, but I expect him to let me know who's in it. I also let him know if I've got friends coming over.

Maybe if we had an annexe or basement I'd feel differently.
If it's just me and DS at home then I don't think twice about bursting into West End hits (I have a brain intense desk job...I need to unwind!) when I come in for a cuppa or to use the loo, but since bursting into Do You Hear the People Sing (attempting all 8 parts) is not what normal Mothers do then I'll just hum quietly if he's got mates round. Likewise, doing some lunges as I cross the lounge to stretch my legs is entirely appropriate among close family. If Charlie from number 25 is over then I'd walk normally.

Part of the problem is I’m a lawyer. So obviously my work is confidential. Which is why (even with the door locked) I am not comfortable with teens milling around nearby either (and I have previously warned them when I have meetings/calls so they can stay out of the way temporarily!)

Anyway I don’t want to be a Scrooge. Maybe air pods are the way forward!

I love being the default 'hang out house' for both my teens but I wouldn't tolerate having anyone coming in my room/ DH's WFH office. I'd expect them to mostly stay downstairs and keep the music to a reasonable level - just common courtesy* *really,

But even without them having friends over, your own teens would still be milling about anyway, wouldn't they?

I think it’s lovely your children are comfortable bringing friends home, but it shouldn’t be at your expense. My kids have always done this and tbh I absolutely love having a busy house - but then all their friends (with the odd notable exception) are lovely; respectful, chatty, fun and great to have around.

They’re all considerate in any case (clean up after they’ve cooked, keep the noise down when they’re asked), but in addition there’s a 3 line whip when it comes to WFH. My kids would never facilitate a load of disruption if me or DH need quiet for calls or whatever.

Not saying it’s all perfect and the shit doesn’t hit the fan occasionally (!) but it basically all comes down to having respect for each other and accommodating everyone’s needs with a bit of give and take. It sounds like you’re still very much in a parent/child dynamic, rather than them seeing themselves as young adults living in a shared household. If you can encourage them to have a more responsible mindset (easier said than done, I know 😂), rather than shutting it all down, you may be able to find a happy medium for everyone.

This is a really insightful post and one that has given me food for thought. So thank you.

OP please read @TheYearOfSmallThings post quoted here. You have effectively turned your home into a solicitors office and should you really be conducting confidential conversations on your family home? Also, it will appear to your DC that you are pushing them out if you don't want them anywhere near your home office. It's their home too.

I am another one who wishes my 15yo DS had friends round and wish he would leave his bedroom once in a while. I always dreams of being the default house. Hopefully DS10 will do so.

I'm surprised by all these replies. I don't think you are being unreasonable.
If you find it too much and need more privacy then they should respect that.

But yeah, they shouldn't be in your room or office, and your DC should be pulling their weight!

If you're wfh, are they literally barging through the room where you are and being noisy? If not, and if not also making a mess/eating all your food, I really wouldn't have an issue. I absolutely love it when my house is full of the girls' friends. We only have one room downstairs which is where I work, so they all know they have to be quiet and can't have the TV on etc. And they ask before eating stuff. Popping in and out would be even less of an issue here.

Mine are slightly older. They do this but usually let me know in advance (not actually ask as such but they are both grown ups and this is their home too). It doesn't bother me at all. They both have their own rooms to invite people to and don't expect me to cook - I leave it to them to sort any food - either using what is in the fridge/ cupboards, bringing their own or ordering in. I only object if there is loud noise when I'm trying to sleep, and they respect that.

Missed the bit about you wfh. I don't but my DH does, but they never go in his office. We do have a big house though, which helps!

But parent has to work, dc's friends don't have to be in and out multiple times a day!

Totally agree with this - it's not the comings and goings that's the issue here Op but rather the disrespect they are showing you in your own house.

If it’s relevant, they pay zero in rent/board and contribute nothing to the house in terms of chores either, but that’s a different story (and something I will be changing, quickly).

It's relevant in that they don't seem to have anything expected of them or any boundaries set. You think you can make all that happen 'quickly' at 18?

Of course your DC's visitors should not be entering your room. They could have visitors over but with boundaries about what is acceptable. Again, unsure why you haven't put something in place already.