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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To fall out with my Father after he smacked my child?

91 replies

Grumblestiltskin · 17/04/2008 22:23

Late last year my partner, 3 year old son and I had to move into my parent?s house because our new home wasn't quite ready. We stayed there for 2 and a half months. I was pregnant at the time and also working three days a week.
Whilst we were there my Father took care of my son one day a week while I was at work - in addition to both my parents looking after him every Saturday, which is a regular arrangement. Prior to our stay my Father was the most indulgent Grandfather, maybe a little too indulgent and I told my Father to make sure he was firm with my son and he had my full permission to tell him off if he was naughty.

When we first moved in, I noticed it seemed to be usual practice for my Father to play games with my son where my son hit him. I told my Father not to let him away with it but my Father said that my son couldn't help himself and shouldn't be told off,. Anyway, (sorry, know that I?m rambling now) on our last day I heard my Father go into the bathroom to wash his hands and heard my son smack my Fathers on the bottom. Then I heard my Father smack my son and say "Don't hit me." My Father then when into the living room and acted as if nothing had happened. I followed him in disbelief and calmly asked him what had happened. When he told me, I told him that he did not have the authority to smack him, only tell him off and that if he had a problem with my son?s behavior then he should come to me or to my partner ( who was cooking, happily oblivious at the time) My father told me that I should control my son better..
Haven't spoken to my Father since beginning of Feb and things have turned even a bit frosty with my Mother who agreed with me at the time. Does anyone else think that it was unreasonable for my Father to smack my child without my permission or am i the one being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Alambil · 17/04/2008 22:27

I think he's been giving your DS mixed messages; letting him play this hitting game and then turning on him and saying "don't hit me" ... confusing for a small child.

I do however think that you have only one set of parents; life is sometimes too short for things like this to take over - your DS isn't scarred forever, he isn't emotionally unstable now and he still loves his grandparents, I bet... I'd let it go; both apologise and move on if I were you.

perpetualworrier · 17/04/2008 22:29

Did he smack him to make him cry, or was it a slap back, after your son hit him?

If everything was Ok between you until then, it does seem a bit of an over reaction over this one issue. Whilst I fully understand you being very upset, I would have thought you could talk about it, make sure everyone knew it would never happen again and move on, esp as you no longer live together.

gagarin · 17/04/2008 22:30

Two answers

Not unreasonable to be cross for a smack if you are a no smacking family

Not unreasonable to be cross if when you said to your dad that he should discipline your son you made it clear this meant no smacking

However...

Unreasonable to be cross with dad if you were smacked as a child as part of discipline but forget to tell your dad your no smacking rule - how was he to know?

Unreasonable not to speak to family. This could be the beginning of a life time of estrangement from your parents. Do you want that? Does your ds deserve that.

Perhaps your dad made a mistake - but you were living in his house at the time which my=ust have been a huge strain for your parents.

bellavita · 17/04/2008 22:31

YANBU. The same happened to me but with MIL.

We have not seen her for nearly 5 years.

That fateful August day, I took DS1 (then 6) and DS2 (then 3) to MILs so we could waive my SIL and DS's cousins off as they were flying back home to Amsterdam.

All four children are about the same age and were just having fun and yes maybe being a bit giddy with each other.

MIL smacked everyone of them apart from DS1. I was shocked. Did not say anything until DH got home from work and I told him what had happened.

He went to see MIL a few days later and casually dropped into the conversation that he would prefer it if she could leave the discipline to him or myself.

She threw him out and said not to come back or bring those boys back again.

No one has the "right" to smack your child or anyone elses.

Grumblestiltskin · 17/04/2008 22:35

Thats the thing, I wish that we could just discuss it and move on, but hes spoken to my sisiter about it and apparently still doesn't think hes done anything wrong and its quite clear that he doesn't want to discuss this with me, let alone anything else.

OP posts:
MilaMae · 17/04/2008 22:36

Tricky one-I'd be fuming buuuut you did say not to let him get away with it. Maybe your dad got a bit confused.

I think you've made your point. Grandparents are so important I'd try and sort things out now but make sure they know you don't want them to ever smack again.

You may need to give them some discipline procedures you want carried out and if he's still smacking his grandad it'll need sorting out by you as well as grandad as he is in a difficult position.

BreeVanDerCampLGJ · 17/04/2008 22:39

Get over yourself.

He went in to wash his hands,so received a rough and tumble smack on the bottom, he then rough and tumble smacked your son in return...............

If you were that close the bathroom you should have extracted your posterior from what ever seat you were on and taken him to the toilet yourself.

I am not convinced by OP.

Alambil · 17/04/2008 22:40

But was it a "you are being naughty - here is your punishment... smack" or was it a "you hit me, I'll show you it's not nice - slap (in the same style as your DC just did to him)"?

PeachesMcLean · 17/04/2008 22:40

IMO, you need to just let it drop. You've made your point and good grandparents are few and far between.

Heated · 17/04/2008 22:41

Life's too short, I promise you. Be the bigger person and make up with your Dad. You can still have your principles yet love him.

perpetualworrier · 17/04/2008 22:42

I don't think you necessarily need to get him to accept that he did something "wrong", just something you don't agree with and that he won't do it again.

Alambil · 17/04/2008 22:42

He went in to wash his hands,so received a rough and tumble smack on the bottom, he then rough and tumble smacked your son in return...............

That's what I was trying to say!

BreeVanDerCampLGJ · 17/04/2008 22:44

Or even shock horror a bit of horse play....

We have a game in this house, when we are messing about in cuddle time in the morning, if you can get someone to move their bottom off the mattress, then you jump on their bottom and shout banging on the big bass drum.

Totally harmless.

Interesting that your mother is tiring of this, does it go deeper.?

But either way, you were on their turf.

PeachesMcLean · 17/04/2008 22:44

Bree, that's a bit weird. So mothers shouldn't sit down and occasionally entrust their parents to do soemthing?

misdee · 17/04/2008 22:47

is it worth losing ypur parents over one relatively small incident?

ys he shouldnt have smacked your ds, but its not worth this huge fallout.

be the grown up, and move on.

misdee · 17/04/2008 22:49

bree, we have a game of 'i;m going to get your holes' to see who can make peter squeal and move the fastest dd3 is very good at it (btw, no one ever gets his holes as they are covered lol)

BreeVanDerCampLGJ · 17/04/2008 22:50

No PML but a pound to a penny this goes deeper than this, and if she had reservations she should have been more switched on.

I reckon it is an entirely harmless situation, blown out of all proportion.

Ask yourself, rough and tumble smack on trouser ( he went to wash his hands)

"and heard my son smack my Fathers on the bottom"

You must have had your ear glued to the door to hear a hand on fabric.

Grumblestiltskin · 17/04/2008 22:54

I feel really upset as my son keeps asking after him, have invited him to speak to my son on the phone through my mother but they make excuses. I would NEVER stop him seeing his grandparents.

We're generally a no smacking family except for extreme circumstances and even then it would have to be me rather than my partner as men can have a heavy hand. I think we were clear that smacking and discipline should be left to us. Also my Father knows what a horrid time I had with my grandmother and he disagreed with the way I was treated. My grandmother did things like that all the time and my Father only found out recently and totally disagreed with it.

Also would have preferred to stay with my sister but they said they would be offended if we stayed anywhere else.

OP posts:
Grumblestiltskin · 17/04/2008 23:16

Ok, to answer a few of your questions. such a lot in such a short time thank you.

bellavita ? its seems like we understand each other. It really does seem like it was a fateful day.

BreeVanDerCampLGJ- Lol: Don?t think my Dad would have appreciated me taking him to the toilet! I was busy rushing round packing before the van arrived to take our stuff to our new home. Had given birth that week but was trying not to crack under the strain. Heard my Son following my Father so was walking towards the bathroom so my Dad could get some peace. Oh and I don?t think my mum is tiring of this as I only discussed it once with her, think she feels a little torn in her loyalties.

LewisFan- My son gave him a playful smack on the bottom which is a game that my son and I have which my Dad has seen us play (weird game I know!) My son said ?you fat bottom? then I heard the smack, then I heard a really hard sharp slap. Not a playful one at all. A "you are being naughty - here is your punishment... smack

PeachesMcLean and PeachesMcLean- wish I could just let it go but my Father does not want to speak, plus my Partner is really furious that someone smacked our child. I feel a little torn between partner and parent. Only one Father and Mother. Only one Partner.

OP posts:
Grumblestiltskin · 17/04/2008 23:21

sorry that was meant to be: PeachesMcLean & Heated.

OP posts:
bellavita · 17/04/2008 23:28

Just to put the record straight on my situation - it was MIL that threw DH out, SILS have sided with MIL and they thought we should apologise to her.

DH said he did nothing wrong in asking his Mum not to smack our children and I agree with this.

None of the children involved were being naughty and if I thought mine were, then they would have been reprimanded accordingly.

Grumble - I hope you can get this sorted even for the sake of your DC. I think in our situation DH and MIL will never meet again.

darfmummy · 17/04/2008 23:29

For what it's worth - my opinion

I do totally sympathise I would absolutely be furious if anyone smacked my sons (including my DH)

BUT given that my parents died before my kids were born I would say PLEASE talk to your dad about this, lay down future rules and then move on - they are a long time gone and your son would miss out on not having grandparents.

R2G · 18/04/2008 01:31

do you live far away? I would just turn up on the door step and break the ice not necessarily even broach the subject just pop in.
If you live far away send a few fun things in the post, a drawing your son has done, a letter about what he has been doing and then follow it up with a call, again deep breath 'put dad on will you, hi dad did you get the drawing, here is DS he wanted to say hi...'
The atmosphere is getting heavy I would personally break the ice and then confront it at a later appropriate time further down the line, if still necessary.
I'm sure your DP will understand you want to remain in contact with your parents and that you are both on the same side that this won't happen again, good luck x

ImightbeLulumama · 18/04/2008 07:05

am with bree on this

not worth falling out with you father over this, horseplay, and one ill thought out 'smack'

playing smacking games and then smacking a chidl for smacking are confusing

your dad did not hit your child in anger, or belt him , he responded to the smack your child gave

still not right, but not worth losing your father over

unless there are deeper issues

Rose99 · 18/04/2008 07:15

My FIL once smacked my eldest ds (when he was about 3). He just lost it basically. I wasn't in the room, but he came and told me and apologised.

The fact that he said sorry made all the difference because straight away I could see that he knew it was wrong and it wouldn't be repeated.

My FIL is usually one to say "I don't want to get involved in discipline-that's your job" but then he will just snap. If grandparents are closely involved in your children's lives, they need to know how to discipline effectively and what not to do.

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