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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To fall out with my Father after he smacked my child?

91 replies

Grumblestiltskin · 17/04/2008 22:23

Late last year my partner, 3 year old son and I had to move into my parent?s house because our new home wasn't quite ready. We stayed there for 2 and a half months. I was pregnant at the time and also working three days a week.
Whilst we were there my Father took care of my son one day a week while I was at work - in addition to both my parents looking after him every Saturday, which is a regular arrangement. Prior to our stay my Father was the most indulgent Grandfather, maybe a little too indulgent and I told my Father to make sure he was firm with my son and he had my full permission to tell him off if he was naughty.

When we first moved in, I noticed it seemed to be usual practice for my Father to play games with my son where my son hit him. I told my Father not to let him away with it but my Father said that my son couldn't help himself and shouldn't be told off,. Anyway, (sorry, know that I?m rambling now) on our last day I heard my Father go into the bathroom to wash his hands and heard my son smack my Fathers on the bottom. Then I heard my Father smack my son and say "Don't hit me." My Father then when into the living room and acted as if nothing had happened. I followed him in disbelief and calmly asked him what had happened. When he told me, I told him that he did not have the authority to smack him, only tell him off and that if he had a problem with my son?s behavior then he should come to me or to my partner ( who was cooking, happily oblivious at the time) My father told me that I should control my son better..
Haven't spoken to my Father since beginning of Feb and things have turned even a bit frosty with my Mother who agreed with me at the time. Does anyone else think that it was unreasonable for my Father to smack my child without my permission or am i the one being unreasonable?

OP posts:
LookattheLottie · 18/04/2008 12:01

Ummm, to what I can see your dad was doing you a huge favour by one, letting you stay with them whilst you needed to, and two, was looking after your child whilst you were at work.

I don't agree with battering children, I don't think many do. I think you should avoid physical punishment if you can. However, a light smack on the bum or the back of the legs, or even on the hand can sometimes be needed. It doesn't sound as if your dad hurt your son, just tought him that he cannot smack others.

I once knew a woman with a 2yo son, and one day I witnessed the wee boy biting her. So she bit him back and said 'hurts, doesn't it!' He's never bitten anyone again. She didn't do it to be mean, and she wouldn't have really hurt him, just given him a bit of a shock, which tbph, was sorely needed.

Your parents sound like nice, generous, caring people. I'd say sorry asap before the damage cannot be undone. And your partner sounds as if he's completely over-reacting. Perhaps if your son didn't hit others, then you wouldn't have this sort of problem?

Sorry if I sound harsh, but it looks to me like you've been very ungratefull for all the help your parents have given you. It's them that I feel for.

Upwind · 18/04/2008 12:16

Try and think about this from your Dad's perspective and then go and clear the air, apologising if needs be for your ridiculous over reaction.

YABVU

wannaBe · 18/04/2008 12:34

"As for the smacking games - My son understands not to hit me but smacking as a game on the bottom is ok.". you are deluding yourself. Hitting is hitting. It's either ok or it isn't. So the message you're giving your son is that it's ok for children to hit grown-ups but not ok for grown-ups to hit children. Hmmm I wonder who rules the roost in your house? .

yabu btw.

margoandjerry · 18/04/2008 12:41

Only one person has entirely endorsed your stance on this thread, I think. Everyone else either thinks you overreacted a bit or a lot. Even if they sympathise they think you should make huge efforts to rebuild things with your father.

The problem with AIBU threads is that you can end up entrenching your position and feeling even more got at and wronged than you did before.

Please don't let that happen. You only have a small opportunity to rebuild one of the most important relationships in your life and I personally wouldn't want to risk that. Your son, btw, will be absolutely fine and unbothered I suspect, unless you decide to make it a big deal for him too.

Chequers · 18/04/2008 12:48

Message withdrawn

Blu · 18/04/2008 12:51

Grumbles - sorry - I somehow missed your posts 22.54 and the one after last night.

In fact, I would always be wild if anyone smacked my own child. Whereas I think it is muddy if you know that a PIL is likely to smack, and has day-to-day 'in loco parentis' staus as child care on a regular basis, and they know you smack, and no specific instruction has been given.

However, it is not a good sign that your father refuses to apologise or even have a discussion with you - that in itself is a problem, and I can completely understand your DP's position - especially in the light of the fact that your Dad refuses to talk or change.

Very difficult - at least, even if your approach is re-buffed, you know you have done the right thing.

How can your dad not speak to your DS? Not nice at al. Sorry - I thought you were keeping him fropm contact.

bearblue · 18/04/2008 12:58

My dad did a similar thing to DS
I was in the same room and was about to tell my ds off for his rudeness at the table.
But my dad stepped in and smacked him
I went ballistic at my dad how dare he etc etc
My ds saw it all and got really upset thinking it was all his fault which I explained to him later it was`nt
My dad and I sorted it out that night but we have a RULE .If I am in the room I deal with DS and if not he does BUT NO SMACKING
This was 3 years ago and ds still remebers it

roseability · 18/04/2008 13:05

Grumblestiltskin I really feel for you and think some of the comments here about you over reacting are out of order. I have a difficult relationship with my father who verbally bullied me at times through my teenage and adult years. If he smacked my son I would be furious, but he is never left alone with him. I would not cut my parents out of my son's life completely either but I think it is down to your father to swallow his pride and apologise for the sake of his relationship with you, your DP and DS. If grandparents have not treated their own children with love, respect and dignity then they can't expect to have wonderful relationships with their grandchildren either. Don't let people here undermine your feelings. He is YOUR son and if your father is difficult then trust your feelings. I would maybe write to him. State what has upset you and seek reassurance that it won't happen again. If he won't apologise and agree to this then he dosen't deserve you or your family. Your mother should be putting you first and supporting your decisions re childrearing

Johnso · 18/04/2008 13:06

I think your DP is overreacting too which can't make things easy for you.
The fact he saw 'the real dad' and made a judgement diesn't sit well with me. We have to compromise with our in laws and old people do get grumpy and stubborn in their own homes at times.
I think your dad is very hurt, you have made him feel stupid and maybe he has a problem getting over this

roseability · 18/04/2008 13:08

Oh and breevandercampLGJ your comments are out of order and not helpful to someone in distress and needing advice/someone to talk to.

OrmIrian · 18/04/2008 13:10

I don't understand the 'real dad' thing at all. I am usually good-tempered, loving and cheerful. Sometimes I get bad-tempered and irritable (don't we all). Why is the bad-tempered me more 'real' than the nice one?

morningpaper · 18/04/2008 13:12

Normally I would be furious if anyone hit my child BUT a. you told your father to discipline your son b. you KNEW his methods of discipline included smacking. I don't see why you wouldn't expect him to smack, when you knew that was what your father thought was a reasonable method of disciplining.

I hope you can sort this out.

roseability · 18/04/2008 13:13

Johnso if someone feels upset about something they are not overreacting. This is how problems/fall outs get worse because people's feelings get undermined as oversensitivity. Obviously smacking is a sensitive issue to this family. I'm sure there are things that you would not agree with Grandparents doing to your children. Grumblestiltskin has a right to be upset about this and her Dad should respect his daughters feelings wishes. I feel the onus is always on the parents to be the older/wiser ones and apologise. If it meant saving my relationship with my DS and his family, I would just swallow my pride, say sorry, give him a hug, tell him I love him, how proud i am etc and respect his wishes re childrearing in the future

roseability · 18/04/2008 13:17

ormirian, yes we all get grumpy. I sometimes yell at my DS and on the very odd occassion have tapped him on the arm when I have lost it. But I was wrong and I always apologise to my DS afterwards and hug him/tell him I love him. We are all human and we all lose it sometimes and maybe her Dad did get confused about discipline. But now he knows he shouldn't have done it, quit sulking, grow up and make peace

Johnso · 18/04/2008 13:19

roseability, if someone posts on AIBU then I assume they want honest opinions. You are entitled to yours as I am to mine.

margoandjerry · 18/04/2008 13:20

roseability, you said your father verbally bullied you but I think you are projecting this onto the OP who has described her father generally as a loving grandfather.

Also, she told him to discipline her son if necessary and he was doing what he thought was right. Maybe he was wrong but the OP is not in your situation vis a vis your father.

OrmIrian · 18/04/2008 13:20

I too apologise when I've shouted and lost my rag. I expect my DCs to do the same. and I agree an apology in this case would help. But I suspect grandpa is smarting a bit from the reaction he got to his actions. I just think it's become such a confrontation, a bit of give on both sides is neccessary.

roseability · 18/04/2008 13:27

Okay point taken. Everyone is entitled to their opinions. Just sticking up for Grumble a bit as everyone seems to be giving her a hard time. She did mention that her Dad has been verbally agressive recently, that's what made me think of my Dad. I can appreciate her Dad maybe got confused and is generally a loving grandfather. My Dad adores my DS. I supppose my point is that grandparents have to have good relatioships with their own children before they can have close, loving relationships with grandchildren. I'm not suggesting anyone should cut out grandparents but they have to make the effort. He shouldn't be sulking and not talking to his daughter.

myermay · 18/04/2008 13:27

Message withdrawn

chefswife · 18/04/2008 13:31

Hmmm? like father like daughter. Sounds like a lot of stubbornness on both parties in not speaking for so long and now it?s just festering. I don?t think you over-reacted because it appears there was a high level of stress (you been staying with parents for two months, just had a baby and packing) that culminated into a situation that at another time may not have proved as dire. It?s clear your son does not understand when the ?hitting game? is appropriate and perhaps when he takes it to the playground, he?ll get more than a smack on the hand. I understand your dp in that I came from a home with an abusive mother however it seems he is using this situation as an excuse because he may not have been happy with staying with pil till new home was finished? not being able to fully provide for family and all that machismo crap. Or simply he doesn?t like your father for no particular reason and can use this situation. Not everyone likes everyone. I also feel your father is confused about the rules and has been stung by thinking what he did was fine and is sulking. It is obvious you need to take the first step and bug and bug and bug till things are mended. Good luck.

margoandjerry · 18/04/2008 13:44

Reading again I think there are some very confused issues here.

Your DP had an abusive upbringing and is conflating his upset about that with the situation about your father.

You had a problem relationship with your grandmother (I think) and you are conflating that with the situation with your father.

Your father is overbearing to you but not apparently to your son and you are conflating his attitudes to you and to your son.

You don't do smacking except when you do...

I think your father has stumbled on some very sensitive points in your family, not all of which have much to do with the fact that he smacked your son.

That's why you need to get on and sort this out - this is not about your DP's abusive upbringing for example. and talking about it in those terms will just escalate the situation.

mumofhelen · 18/04/2008 17:29

I think you need to kiss and make up. You can not afford to fall out over this. You are very fortunate to have parents who can and are willing to help out. It's all a bit petty considering all 3 of you are adults.

It's simple: ask your father not to smack your child. End of issue. Kiss, make up and move on.

bubblagirl · 18/04/2008 17:40

i would say life is too short to hold gridges

if my dad had smacked my ds i would be pretty peed off but id tell him thats now how we deal with things and know he wouldnt do it again

our patrents were raised with that but if they know you do not do things that way then they will understand

i would not lose my relationship with my father over it as it was a mistake your ds was clearly ok and although you can be peed off he could of done worse unforgivable things he made an error in judgement in which as humans we all do

but does not deserve to be punished for it he is your dad send a letter or give him a call bad things happen what happens if he wasnt around tomorrow you would forever hold guilt over it and realise although it upset you not woth losing your dad over

bubblagirl · 18/04/2008 17:42

sorry for typos

Oblomov · 18/04/2008 17:53

Agree with Bree, this is 'horse play', rather than a real 'smacking' issue here.
More worrying that dad doesn't want to discuss it, I guess.