To fall out with my Father after he smacked my child?

[Grumblestiltskin]

Late last year my partner, 3 year old son and I had to move into my parent?s house because our new home wasn't quite ready. We stayed there for 2 and a half months. I was pregnant at the time and also working three days a week.
Whilst we were there my Father took care of my son one day a week while I was at work - in addition to both my parents looking after him every Saturday, which is a regular arrangement. Prior to our stay my Father was the most indulgent Grandfather, maybe a little too indulgent and I told my Father to make sure he was firm with my son and he had my full permission to tell him off if he was naughty.

When we first moved in, I noticed it seemed to be usual practice for my Father to play games with my son where my son hit him. I told my Father not to let him away with it but my Father said that my son couldn't help himself and shouldn't be told off,. Anyway, (sorry, know that I?m rambling now) on our last day I heard my Father go into the bathroom to wash his hands and heard my son smack my Fathers on the bottom. Then I heard my Father smack my son and say "Don't hit me." My Father then when into the living room and acted as if nothing had happened. I followed him in disbelief and calmly asked him what had happened. When he told me, I told him that he did not have the authority to smack him, only tell him off and that if he had a problem with my son?s behavior then he should come to me or to my partner ( who was cooking, happily oblivious at the time) My father told me that I should control my son better..
Haven't spoken to my Father since beginning of Feb and things have turned even a bit frosty with my Mother who agreed with me at the time. Does anyone else think that it was unreasonable for my Father to smack my child without my permission or am i the one being unreasonable?

My FIL smacked my then 6 year old a few months ago. I wasn't there but apparently my MIL flew at FIL to get him away I guess. DS told me FIL had smacked him the minute I walked in the door. I made it quite clear to FIL that he was not ever to smack any of my children and to be fair I don't think he will again.

I would have been p'd off with my dad too, but as already said, your game of smacking isn't helping the situation.

We had a game with Ds1 when we'd pretend to nibble his fingers and toes, it had to stop when he started doing it, not so gently, with kids in playgroup!

Obviously was a stressful time for you all though, try to put it to the back of your mind and move forward, and send out clear signals and expectaions in future. Good luck!

Would just like to sketch a bit of the background history for you all so you can get a clearer picture.

My Grandmother and Aunt gave us a really bad time since the age of three. Think Cinderella. (Not kidding) My Father knew some of the things that went on but mostly turned a blind eye. My sister and step sisters were sent to stay in the country for every holiday until we turned sixteen. My Father had a very similar temper but just not as bad. He was sometimes a great dad and sometimes not at all. I thought that he had mellowed and he?d proved to be a brilliant grandfather. Then I noticed signs that he was relapsing which is why maybe I reacted so strongly when he smacked my son. When we were children a cane and belt was sometimes used. My Mother worked full time and still does whilst my Father has never worked since I?ve been alive and has pursued other dreams, that have never come to anything. If it had been my Mother then I don?t think I would have minded quite so much.
My partner didn?t realise until our stay. My DP was horrified to discover that my Father does practically nothing while my Mother does everything. By the way we more than paid our way ?shopping/gas/elec etc. We stayed there ? not because my dp couldn?t provide but because our new house was not ready and a hotel room just didn?t make sense. Dp did most of the washing up and cooking while we were there because I was too ill too and he didn?t think it was fair for my Mother to do it all.

Do think that some of you are being a touch harsh on me. roseability: Thanks for sticking up for me.

Think lots of you are being harsh to Grumble.

No hitting and thats the end of it.

Grumble, don't feel you have to justify why you feel as you do.

This is the perfect example where to have just a bit more info helps to get relevant feedback. I certainly would have reservations leaving my children with my mother because of her past, short-circuiting physical and verbal abuse? which is the reason I?ve not spoken with her since 2004. I understand staying in a hotel doesn?t make sense, but now in hindsight and knowing the stress and revelations that you and your partner experienced, do you think you would stay at your sisters or source self-catering accommodation? Obviously, due to your fathers history, is why you reacted the way you did and fair enough. Sorry to have berated you a little. I still feel though ?hitting games? are confusing for kids.

I think this is one that can be sorted out without you breaking off contact with you dad - unless there are other serious reasons why you want to and this is a good excuse.

Have a talk with him.

Say that you understand the 'hitting' games were a bit of fun that got out of hand, but that you want to raise your child without smacking and that that is the way that today's parents are encouraged to be

My friend threw her MIL out of her house for smacking her small sons......She never saw her again or allowed her into her home!!!
I wouldn't be happy if that had happened to my small son but as previous posters have pointed out you did say to your Father that he could discipline your little boy. I do feel your Father is also in the wrong for encouraging a hitting game, little 3 yo's don't always know when they have crossed the line, and if you play a game like that with a child then as an adult you have to share the blame. It all sounds rather sad especially as everyone should be focusing on you and your new baby. I hope you get this sorted out soon. xx

What your dad did was wrong. Your ds is only three. You can't let a child hit you in play then turn around when you are tired of it and hit him back. It's not something to fall out over though. Your dad misses you all alot, I bet, and your his baby remember, he doesn't know how to stop making you angry at him so is keeping his distance. My sister and I fell out over something so small but at the time it seemed huge. My pride kept me away from my sister for three years. Her son was nine months old and I deprived myself of seeing my own nephew for all that time. The longer I left it, the harder it was to make up. I'm gutted now about that lost time and wish we'd both been able to see the bigger picture.

I think you need to make the first move.

I think your parents sound as though they have given you alot of help, but I am surprised that they are continuing the argument when it is stopping them from seeing their grandchildren, and I think that even if they felt you over reacted, they should have given you the benefit of the doubt at this very stressful time in your life. (moving house, living with parents and having a new baby - not surprised things were a little tense!)

I think your father was wrong to smack (assuming it wasn't a play smack), however, given that smacking was normal parenting practice when he was bringing up children, and given that there seem to have been some mixed messages about play fighting and discipline, I am not surprised that there was a problem.

You have got through the other side of having a new baby/new house/living with parents. I think you all need to accept that few people would be able go through this experience completely unscathed, and your life will be better if you are the bigger person and apologise. I am sure your partner has been under alot of stress too, but you both need to get a bit of perspective.

hello, sorry havn't read the whole thread, but this happened to my twoyr old son in exactly the same circumstances..we were living with them inbetween houses and grandad slapped ds's hand one day when he was rooting in a drawer! i was soo annoyed..and told my dad how he was out of order! needless to say we had a bit of an arguement about it and i threatened him by saying he would'nt see him again if it happened again. at the time it worked and it never happened again. hope you can work things out with the grandparents but you are right..completely

hello, sorry havn't read the whole thread, but this happened to my twoyr old son in exactly the same circumstances..we were living with them inbetween houses and grandad slapped ds's hand one day when he was rooting in a drawer! i was soo annoyed..and told my dad how he was out of order! needless to say we had a bit of an arguement about it and i threatened him by saying he would'nt see him again if it happened again. at the time it worked and it never happened again. hope you can work things out with the grandparents but you are right..completely

It's not worth fight ing over, life is too short and once you lose your parents, that's it.

Your father played games with your son where smacking was encouraged and he didn't want to tell him off for it, but then when your ds smacked his gf in what he probably thought was the usual game, your father told him off and smacked him as punishment?!

If I've read it correctly, then your father should not have smacked him. Your ds thought it was the usual game-one that your father has encouraged, but when he's had enough he then snaps and hits your ds?

Maybe you should stop hitting 'games'.

2girls, thats not quite the issue. but thanks anyway. I don't have a problem with hitiing in my son. We don't play hitting games. An affectionate light smack on the bottom, the eqivalant to a pat on the sholuder does not confuse him at all. It was a differnt game that my Father was playing woith him altogether.