I think ive fucked everything up

[whatdidididido]

Name changed ofc.

Ive been with my partner 2.5 years, but known him closer to 20. I have 3 teens from my previous marriage, ds19 and dds 18 and 15. Their father walked out and have been NC since 2014. Its just been me and them since 2014. About 6 months ago we started discussing partner moving in, paying 2 sets of living expenses just seemed silly. He would come here almost every other weekend anyway, but he lived and worked over 100 miles away so there was a big travel expense. But if he was moving closer, it would be in with us as he couldnt afford to live in my town as a single person. Me moving was never an option as my childrens lives are here.

So he moved in. About a week ago. Moved his job here, gave up his rented place, left his family and friends, and came here.

I cant do it. Little things are making me rage. I have a small 2 seater and a 3 seater sofa. I have always used to 2 seater, kids the 3 to watch tv, i dont want tv, i watch my laptop with a headset. He keeps sitting next to me on the 2 seater watching my screen. I feel like im under a microscope. I feel like a i cant breathe, its claustrophobic, i need space to relax. I suggested getting an arm chair or something for him and he looked at me like i kicked his puppy! We even set up his tv and games etc upstairs in the bedroom but hes not even gone on it. Just sits next to me expecting me to change how i relax and involve him. But thats my space and my way of enjoying downstime. I need my little sofa to my self as my own space.

I have no space generally. He has started his new job granted so is out in the day, however, i work nights in a very draining, physically and emotionally, job, i do 4 12 hour shifts a week so tend to stay in a kind of night time sleep pattern all the time. This means the time he is at work mostly im asleep. Then when im wide awake at home he is going to bed so my bedroom is out of bounds. Theres no where that is my space which ive had for 10 years. The bedroom was my quiet place away from teens on voice chat etc. now its gone. I have no place to go in my own home that feels like mine. The bedroom is taken over by him and his stuff.

Hes done no tidying or cleaning since he got here. On night i was away for the night with my 2 dds at a show. Came back and everything he used is in the kitchen unwashed. Ive left it still 2 days later in the hope he gets the message. He hasnt.

He has brought 5 times the amount of shit we discussed. My living room has no fewer than 13 boxes in it we have no where to move them to, and multiple pieces of ugly old furniture cluttering up the living room hallway landing and bedroom. Its disgusting old furniture. Sitting even in my living room, as well as being basically sat on top of and constantly watched, all i can see is boxes and a cabinet i want to burn. Its making me irrationally angry to the point o cant even talk to him. My home, and my kids home, has been invaded by stuff i never agreed to. When we discussed what he was bringing none of this shit in my living room was mentioned.

He told my youngest daughter off. This is the biggest. When we were getting ready to leave i said to dd15 to go and dry her hair as we had to leave in 45 minutes or so. Now despite long, and multiple conversations about how my kids dont need a new parent, they are mine, i deal with them, its been just us for so long that if this has any hope of working, he cannot come in and try to play parent to teenager's, he chimed in with "yeah dd name, get up now go dry your hair and get ready to leave and dont come back down till its done". This may not be any thing massive in the grand scheme of things, but the minute i left with them she burst into to tears about how he isnt her dad and he cant talk to her like that. I agreed. I apologised to her for not calling him out immediately, but i was taken aback he had said anything, as he knows my stance on this. They are my children, he does not get a say.

What do i do? Hes left his job, his home, his family, everything to come here. It was fine for the night twice a month as we did something, not normal family life. But a week in, i cant live with him, i cant do it. But i also cant tell him to leave.

Ive fucked up. Havent i.

Pay rent - hes paying 1/5th of the living costs associated with the home. Nothing towards "extras" such as subscriptions that he still has access too. Hes paying 1/5th rent, CT, internet, utilities, and food.

Hes not here for the money. Im not usimg him for money. 1/5 is a relatively small amount of the outgoings.

Not sure why you are getting such a hard time about the living room OP . DH and I have been married more than 30 years and I don’t remember the last time we both sat on the sofa together ! We like our own armchairs or I sometimes curl up on the 2 seater . I often watch stuff on TV that DH doesn’t like so he sticks on his headphones and watches something on his tablet .

@whatdidididido how did you not discuss any of this before him moving in?

I don't get it.

But I still don't see how you expect another adult to move in and be your partner but not sit anywhere near you.

It'd all very well and good having a house guest stay etc, you're kinda all on your best behaviour but moving in is just so different.

Can't you just speak to him about all this?

It sounds like he wouldn't be able to talk to you from the other sofa because you're sat plugged into headphones. The whole thing is just dysfunctional. How on earth were you able to raise children if you have to be cut off from everyone gaming and watching YouTube all the time?

Ive posted many times that we did have these conversations. About the stuff. About a space for him. About my space. Needing this space has been a topic of conversation before we even got together. He knew about it right back when i was buying furniture with my then husband when my now adult son was a baby. Ive spoken about it in our social group 100s of times, how i cant cope being next to people and touched constantly and need space. We socialise with couples who are very similar and some who arent. Its a regular topic of conversation

Oh please just get rid of him, of course you can, it's easier now rather than further down the line. Nothing is worth disrupting your (and your childrens) own peace and sanity. Sounds like he's wormed his way in.

There are a few things that stand out to me here, one being that there seems to be a lack of communication.
I get that you are feeling smothered by him and his stuff, if you want this to work you are going to have to talk to him calmly and explain that you're finding it quite hard and that you will need to find time asap to go through his things or look at putting them in storage and agree that you have certain expectations on cleanliness if he uses dishes etc.
He is probably still finding his feet in terms of what he can and can't do in what is your home, not his.
Secondly, and I hope this doesn't sound harsh but it sounds like you have asked him to move in, give up his life, family and friends and move over 100 miles into your home but your expectation is that there isn't a trace of him. You don't want to see his things, you don't want him to sit next to you when you are watching things on your laptop, you want him to live in your house without being able to speak with authority to your kids. I am not understanding why you would want to live with him under those conditions. It sounds miserable for all involved and pretty unrealistic to sustain in the long run.

I say this as someone who moved a man in with me and my kids, who came with a lot of stuff. It has taken us years to sort through it, bin some, sell some, find space for the rest. Also doing the same with my belongings so that its not just his possessions that were disposable. We have had to work really hard to make things work and find a way of living that works for everyone including the kids.

But this is the difference between visits and living together. It’s like going on holiday somewhere and thinking that it’s wonderful and you should move there but then finding the reality quite different.

It sounds like a nightmare OP, best to sort it out now though as it’ll just fester and lead to further resentment. I initially read it that you didn’t want him beside you even if your DC were on the 3-seater - but if he’s still squeezing in beside you when another sofa is free, that’d drive me crazy. I get what you mean about beefing space, although DH and I have our own rooms so I’m not exactly the norm!

Good luck getting things sorted out.

When he stayed at weekends, where would he sit in the living room?

Easily. When they were little i gamed after they went to bed. As they got older they started doing their own thing but i still only did it 2 or 3 eves a week. I wear my head set one ear off so i can still hear and communicate with them. If i was watching something i paused it. Now 2 of them share the same hobby, we do it together, the one that doesnt has a very similar hobby and still talks about it in relation to ours. We do plenty of other things together ontop of the games. I have an amazing relationship with all 3, we share interests, this an others, we go to concerts shows and events together atleast once a month. I think ive parented pretty well.

I think you have fucked up a bit yes but tbh other than leaving the dishes and mess it’s no one’s fault really, you’re just not suited to living together.

You need to act quickly but also be prepared that it’s the end of the relationship - sounds like you’d be OK with that mind you x

My ex brought loads of home accessories when he moved in with me - we hadn’t specifically discussed it but I was dismayed when he started unpacking them! Turns out he had a very large collection of 3D wood carvings of Native Americans, both freestanding statues and ones that could be used as a wall hanging. Nothing wrong with them per se, but completely at odds with my decor at the time. How I was glad to pack up his stuff after our split.

I agree with others, it's all quite dysfunctional. You refer to this man as your DP but it doesn't sound like you actually want to share your space with a partner. Not sure why you moved him in really. Did you really expect to make no adjustments to your way of living?

@whatdidididido

You posted that you'd sent him a text laying out what wasn't working for you and what he needed to do about it. It's only been a week since he moved in. How long ago did you send the text and has he responded in any way?

Do you feel a 'brutally' frank talk (ie an ultimatum) ending in 'if this doesn't happen you'll have to move out' is something you'd consider? Of course then there's always the possibility that they step up for awhile then 'backslide'. But it seems to me that no matter what you do, there's a great chance that the relationship will end either because he won't comply, stops complying, gets pissed off at your 'demands', or cries "If you loved me it shouldn't matter!"

You are who you and you need what you need. If it isn't working, then it isn't working. I suppose both of you may have had 'expectations' that either weren't stated plainly enough or completely understood by the other. And of course, there's always the possibility that he's just flat out ignoring what you said beforehand or doing that dumb "I know what they said but I know they won't mind" thing that people can do when they want something.

At any rate, don't let things drag on once you've reached the point of no return. It's kind of shitty that he moved all that way and it's been such a short time but if/once you're sure, tell him right away.

Moving in together isn't always the right thing to do, especially if you have an already established life on your own or aren't contemplating marriage and/or children. Being 'together apart' can work quite well. Harder of course if you don't live within a reasonable distance of each other, but can still be doable.

Listen, there's nothing wrong with not wanting to share your home with a partner. I'm long time happily married but I tell you now that I would chew glass before I'd ever live with anyone else, should I become single again. I'm too set in my ways and love my 'me time' and independence too much to try to 'adapt' to a new man and his 'foibles'. Nor do I have the patience to try to get them to adapt to mine.

I think you just need to tell him it’s a mistake. That he has not kept to the agreed boundaries and is making you and your daughter uncomfortable. It’s really unfortunate that you and he made this decision without making sure he had a back-up plan, but we’re all allowed to make mistakes and you don’t have to put up with it just because you feel responsible.
You will probably need to give him time to make arrangements, but the sooner you tell him the better.

I'm baffled that you didn't realise you would have to share your space. How did you think it was gonna go? Did you expect him to sit in a cupboard for a few hours to give you space?
As for speaking to your dd like that, have you spoken to him about it? That's not acceptable.
I have been with my dp for 14yrs and it was never discussed how he would treat my dc, he just KNEW that it was not his "job" to chastise or punish my dc.

Ive said now multiple times sharing space is fine, its the one small area a few times a week when i need the space to destress and relax i need to be able to do it without being touched and constantly watched

Have you talked to him about the mess in the kitchen? I couldn't stand that.

So what are you going to do? You are not trapped. You hold all the cards here.

I'm going to say, give it a chance. But you need to have a few very frank and firm discussions with him! If you can't do that, he'll have to move out.

Obviously it's fine that you don't want him to parent but even if you did, what he said was way out of line. He's trying to throw his weight around with her.

When did you send him this text? Was it today having posted on here, or is it something you have communicated to him before today and he's not responded/acted upon it?

It's awful - it feels like a play for dominance over your daughter AND yourself. You had already let her know the situation. Then he had to reinforce what you said, adding a whole other element of coercion & potential threat (don't come downstairs til you do your hair - or what?). As if what you had said wasn't going to be effective unless he added his authoritative command.
It's not ok at all and he needs to be told. In the moment is ideal with this kind of thing - maybe come up with some phrases you can use if it happens again so you aren't left scrambling for something to say.
Eg
"We agreed you would not parent my kids - that was out of line"
"You do not have the authority to make decisions about what my daughter is or isn't allowed to do"
"What makes you think either DD or I needed that?"

And if you're feeling really tetchy... "Don't go playing the parent here. If anyone here is acting like an irresponsible teen who needs correcting, it's the person who left dishes in the sink for two days.'

It is what it is.

You can't stand things as they are, so you think about what a healthy compromise would be for you both, suggest it and then see where you are.