I think ive fucked everything up

[whatdidididido]

Name changed ofc.

Ive been with my partner 2.5 years, but known him closer to 20. I have 3 teens from my previous marriage, ds19 and dds 18 and 15. Their father walked out and have been NC since 2014. Its just been me and them since 2014. About 6 months ago we started discussing partner moving in, paying 2 sets of living expenses just seemed silly. He would come here almost every other weekend anyway, but he lived and worked over 100 miles away so there was a big travel expense. But if he was moving closer, it would be in with us as he couldnt afford to live in my town as a single person. Me moving was never an option as my childrens lives are here.

So he moved in. About a week ago. Moved his job here, gave up his rented place, left his family and friends, and came here.

I cant do it. Little things are making me rage. I have a small 2 seater and a 3 seater sofa. I have always used to 2 seater, kids the 3 to watch tv, i dont want tv, i watch my laptop with a headset. He keeps sitting next to me on the 2 seater watching my screen. I feel like im under a microscope. I feel like a i cant breathe, its claustrophobic, i need space to relax. I suggested getting an arm chair or something for him and he looked at me like i kicked his puppy! We even set up his tv and games etc upstairs in the bedroom but hes not even gone on it. Just sits next to me expecting me to change how i relax and involve him. But thats my space and my way of enjoying downstime. I need my little sofa to my self as my own space.

I have no space generally. He has started his new job granted so is out in the day, however, i work nights in a very draining, physically and emotionally, job, i do 4 12 hour shifts a week so tend to stay in a kind of night time sleep pattern all the time. This means the time he is at work mostly im asleep. Then when im wide awake at home he is going to bed so my bedroom is out of bounds. Theres no where that is my space which ive had for 10 years. The bedroom was my quiet place away from teens on voice chat etc. now its gone. I have no place to go in my own home that feels like mine. The bedroom is taken over by him and his stuff.

Hes done no tidying or cleaning since he got here. On night i was away for the night with my 2 dds at a show. Came back and everything he used is in the kitchen unwashed. Ive left it still 2 days later in the hope he gets the message. He hasnt.

He has brought 5 times the amount of shit we discussed. My living room has no fewer than 13 boxes in it we have no where to move them to, and multiple pieces of ugly old furniture cluttering up the living room hallway landing and bedroom. Its disgusting old furniture. Sitting even in my living room, as well as being basically sat on top of and constantly watched, all i can see is boxes and a cabinet i want to burn. Its making me irrationally angry to the point o cant even talk to him. My home, and my kids home, has been invaded by stuff i never agreed to. When we discussed what he was bringing none of this shit in my living room was mentioned.

He told my youngest daughter off. This is the biggest. When we were getting ready to leave i said to dd15 to go and dry her hair as we had to leave in 45 minutes or so. Now despite long, and multiple conversations about how my kids dont need a new parent, they are mine, i deal with them, its been just us for so long that if this has any hope of working, he cannot come in and try to play parent to teenager's, he chimed in with "yeah dd name, get up now go dry your hair and get ready to leave and dont come back down till its done". This may not be any thing massive in the grand scheme of things, but the minute i left with them she burst into to tears about how he isnt her dad and he cant talk to her like that. I agreed. I apologised to her for not calling him out immediately, but i was taken aback he had said anything, as he knows my stance on this. They are my children, he does not get a say.

What do i do? Hes left his job, his home, his family, everything to come here. It was fine for the night twice a month as we did something, not normal family life. But a week in, i cant live with him, i cant do it. But i also cant tell him to leave.

Ive fucked up. Havent i.

The issues re the shared space, his unwanted stuff, even the domestic responsibilities are solvable although it’s not a good sign to be honest.

The way he spoke to your DD, and his blanking you are big red flags and you’d do well to pay close attention. You need to do what’s best for you and your DC, and that might mean deciding him staying isn’t going to work. Much better if that is the case to do that sooner rather than later.

@Ilikeadrink14 good for you and your relationship. If you found a partner that matches your love language thats great for you both. I need some space to myself to do a hobby i enjoy a couple of nights a week for a couple of hours at a time. This has been this way my entire life. I express love in other ways. Less physical touch when im doing something. I feel crowded and claustrophobic. And he knew this, for literally decades prior to moving.

The headset is on one ear, i can still communicate with it on. I was also doing the shared hobby that requires listening to instructions that we have done together multiple times a week for 20 years. He knows the headset is vital, as he would generally be on it too. Its rude in your situation in your home in your normal. It is not rude in our circle in our home in our normal.

I think how he is being with you now should be a reason to end it. He's trying to bully you into backing down by refusing to talk. He is trying to scare you into putting up with what he wants to do..

Stonewalling is abusive. It’s a horrible thing to do to put someone in their place.

It sounds like you have said very clearly what you need and whether other people on here agree with how you spend your spare time is neither here nor there, it doesn’t matter - it’s what YOU need. Why does he think his needs trump yours?

Hope you are able to sort it out OP. I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all.

Spot on. The silent treatment is the card he's choosing to play, and it's nothing but pure manipulation. It should always be a deal breaker.

"They use the silent treatment to make you feel guilty about a perceived wrongdoing. By withholding communication, they create a sense of guilt or responsibility, manipulating you into apologizing or making amends to end the silence and making you believe that you did something wrong"

If you give in to him, it's all downhill from here. He's won the battle and he'll push on to win the war.

I know you've known him a long time, but I think living together has enabled you to see a side of him you never knew was there.

I've only read your posts OP and whilst I see you say you've had some kind posts it does sound like you've had a bit of a battering unfairly as well. My tuppence for what it's worth,

Breathe, it's only been a week and you are both still adjusting alongside the DC. Everything you've listed is solvable with a conversation and given you had many conversations over the 6 months prior to him moving in then you know you can have the tough conversations with each other. I get where you were coming from with the text but given that medium of communication can be read in several ways it looks like this text has backfired and he's read it the wrong way and got the hump. He's likely gone upstairs as an overreaction response to well this is my space so I better stay in it.....sigh dramatic men lol let him huff a bit and then go tell him in no uncertain terms that you love him, you want this to work, you feel the goalposts have changed a bit, I've told you in bullet point form via text what I'm struggling with and I'd now like us to discuss it properly like the grownups we are and I'd like to hear of any struggles you are having with the adjustment as well.

Have the conversation and go from there, if he continues huffing, not respecting agreed boundaries then yep you've a problem and cam absolutely ask him to leave but I'm hopeful with a long friendship of 20 years this is just an adjustment blip, out of curiosity did you have any adjustment blips when you went from friends to dating? It might help to remember those and how you got past them.

Good luck OP it's all solvable at this stage which is more that can be said for most posts on here x

So you expected every day to be like the quality time you spent together when you were long distance? Yeah, no, it doesn't work like that.
I spent 4 years in a 300 mile long distance relationship and when we saw each other it was 'quality time' and made the relationship seem so much more fun! But the reality is very different. Both my ex & I were like Disney Dads to each other. Those fathers who only see their kids every other weekend and that entire time is spent going out places and eating McDonalds. Laughing & having fun together. It's like you're on holiday every 2 weeks!
Then you move in together and you come crashing back down to reality and you realise that you can’t do those fun things every^^ single day and suddenly the relationship seems dull and boring.
Ring a bell, OP?

Well there were red flags before, but I'd have said, before your update, that it might be salvageable if he saw he'd overstepped and met you half way.
But the silent treatment shows he has no intention of meeting you half way, quarter way, or any way other than his way.
Since you've known this man for so much of your life, this must be a really horrible shock for you. I'm furious on your behalf, OP, how DARE he! And he's probably trading on all those years of familiarity and goodwill right now, breaking on you being too invested, or embarrassed, or guilty, to make him leave.
I was going to add, or sort himself out, but I don't think he deserves any more goodwill or chances. If you let him stay now after this, he will always have the upper hand.

I think uou have been mean you seen him every weekend so why is this now different? You say he wants to sit next you you which is nice maybe you could say sometimes you need a big kf space as you also need to compromise to. It strikes me you want what you had before he moved in but that's not reality is it? You also then say tye bedroom is your space after saying the sofa was your space. Poor man can't do right can he. Yes the washing up is bad maybe remind him you don't have tine etc to clean up . As for furniture suggest storage facility discuss you need to communicate better

@HauntedbyMagpies this is v true. Also, when relationships are mainly online you get all the advantages (chatting, socialising, supporting) with none of the potential disadvantages (sharing your physical space, annoying habits, clashing sleep patterns). Online, you can remove yourself when you want to. When me and my DP lived apart we used to chat and message all the time and his messages were lovely: attentive, kind, supportive etc. But he doesn’t communicate like that IRL. He’ll come in from work grumpy or be absorbed in watching a film and not want to talk, though he would have messaged during it. All perfectly understandable, but not the same. Virtually, someone can edit themselves. After we moved in together it took me ages to realise I was mourning the person at the other end of those messages even though I was living with him.

Feel the same way I am not a man neither

I can totally understand your DD being upset as he’s in her space too - having an adult man move in when it’s just been your mum is going to be hard for her even if she was ok with it on paper. Now he’s dumped all the extra stuff and there’s bad feeling as well it will be emotional for her. I have a similar aged DD and she would hate this.

OP you don’t actually have to justify your needs and feelings - you made a plan, you talked it through and made clear what the deal was (as would anyone with any sense in your situation) and he hasn’t stuck to it. You can say “this has been a mistake, it’s not working as the agreements we made aren’t being kept” and change your mind. Yes it’s tough for him that he moved his life but he made this decision too, and he has also chosen to disrespect your agreement, personal space needs, home and your relationship with your DD which should be nothing to do with him.

I’d say the same if the sexes were reversed too. However, a man who won’t respect boundaries and requests and tries muscling in with your DD is IMO a red flag who I would want out of there asap. It hasn’t worked out. It sucks but it’s ok to bite the bullet and get your life back.

Spot on

Oh just get rid of him. He'd shown his true self and you know what they say when someone shows themselves to you, believe it.
When my DH moved in he shared all the housework, never once told my kids to do anything! And it was bad enough sharing my space with him then. I'm g glad I didn't give up though he's amazing, my rock, and my kids love him, as a relative, but not as a parent.

And FWIW I absolutely hate having anyone sitting right next to me breathing down my neck and looking at my screen, if I’m using one. Boyfriend or not. And I’ve spent well over half my adult life cohabiting with partners - and they wouldn’t have welcomed this either. It’s not weird at all.

He's been there a week, this is meant to be his BEST behaviour time!!

That's 15-year-olds for you. 'Dramatics' is very, very normal.

Also, it's her home. This man is not her parent, and a condition of his having moved in in the first place was that he doesn't do precisely this.

He's been there for ONE WEEK. SEVEN DAYS. He should be on his very best behaviour. He has not been. And now he's giving you the silent treatment which is abusive.

Kick him out. It's not working. If you're this miserable after seven days, imagine how miserable you will be after a month of this shit. Or 2 months. This should be the honeymoon period, it is not. He has shown you his true colours, this is how life will be. Your poor DC. I'm assuming the concert was the TS concert? So he upset her on her way out to the concert, what a prince he is.

Kick him out tomorrow.

Solvable? Well, that may be so, and this at least is a more likely outcome with the tact, intelligence and willingness to compromise shown by OP. To say he hasn't matched those qualities thus far is an understatement.

The problem here is that many of us on this site know exactly how these patterns start, and how they escalate. And the time they start is when a woman is more vulnerable than she was in the relationship's previous phase, such as when a man moves in and believes they now have their partner more firmly where they want her. Pregnancy, sadly, is a well-known trigger.

In this situation I have to say that the signs are ominous.

@whatdidididido sorry people don’t get it, I do. I can’t sit at my in-laws and watch shit borderline racist Tv shows in silence. But if I sat on my laptop, also not saying anything in the same position they would tell me I was antisocial as not watching the same shit show. I need to decompress and don’t like DH sitting next to me whilst online, but yes if we’re watching a show together. I need to decompress and so does he. We know what each other needs and it works. After work we have our time together and then apart and then share a bedroom. We game in the same room on different sofas but different games.

Nah it’s not working, just one of those things OP, too many red flags here.

I would simply ask to move back out as living together is not working. I don’t think you need to go into details or put yourself through the emotional ringer. If he (edited typo) asks for more details I would still try to keep it vague to “lack of compatibility” within the domestic set up.

It will just cause unnecessary upset and give him useless bargaining points and prolong the inevitable if you go into details as you did here, eg mention his lack of cleaning, what he said to your DD etc.

He made a choice and you aren’t responsible for him doing that and better to rip of the bandaid as they say and let both of you move forwards.

Oh fuck this. Fuck this so much.

stop moving your boyfriends in with your teenagers. Jesus Christ. I can’t think of anything I would have needed less as a teenager than my mums fucking random boyfriend living in my house.

@SerafinasGoose the OP has known him for 20 years, I agree your scenario is a possibility but I think in this situation its a leap. It's only been a week, if it continues after she's made herself clear that these are her struggles with adapting then absolutely I'll be the first to scream LTB but I don't think it's time to hit the nuclear button yet