I think ive fucked everything up

[whatdidididido]

Name changed ofc.

Ive been with my partner 2.5 years, but known him closer to 20. I have 3 teens from my previous marriage, ds19 and dds 18 and 15. Their father walked out and have been NC since 2014. Its just been me and them since 2014. About 6 months ago we started discussing partner moving in, paying 2 sets of living expenses just seemed silly. He would come here almost every other weekend anyway, but he lived and worked over 100 miles away so there was a big travel expense. But if he was moving closer, it would be in with us as he couldnt afford to live in my town as a single person. Me moving was never an option as my childrens lives are here.

So he moved in. About a week ago. Moved his job here, gave up his rented place, left his family and friends, and came here.

I cant do it. Little things are making me rage. I have a small 2 seater and a 3 seater sofa. I have always used to 2 seater, kids the 3 to watch tv, i dont want tv, i watch my laptop with a headset. He keeps sitting next to me on the 2 seater watching my screen. I feel like im under a microscope. I feel like a i cant breathe, its claustrophobic, i need space to relax. I suggested getting an arm chair or something for him and he looked at me like i kicked his puppy! We even set up his tv and games etc upstairs in the bedroom but hes not even gone on it. Just sits next to me expecting me to change how i relax and involve him. But thats my space and my way of enjoying downstime. I need my little sofa to my self as my own space.

I have no space generally. He has started his new job granted so is out in the day, however, i work nights in a very draining, physically and emotionally, job, i do 4 12 hour shifts a week so tend to stay in a kind of night time sleep pattern all the time. This means the time he is at work mostly im asleep. Then when im wide awake at home he is going to bed so my bedroom is out of bounds. Theres no where that is my space which ive had for 10 years. The bedroom was my quiet place away from teens on voice chat etc. now its gone. I have no place to go in my own home that feels like mine. The bedroom is taken over by him and his stuff.

Hes done no tidying or cleaning since he got here. On night i was away for the night with my 2 dds at a show. Came back and everything he used is in the kitchen unwashed. Ive left it still 2 days later in the hope he gets the message. He hasnt.

He has brought 5 times the amount of shit we discussed. My living room has no fewer than 13 boxes in it we have no where to move them to, and multiple pieces of ugly old furniture cluttering up the living room hallway landing and bedroom. Its disgusting old furniture. Sitting even in my living room, as well as being basically sat on top of and constantly watched, all i can see is boxes and a cabinet i want to burn. Its making me irrationally angry to the point o cant even talk to him. My home, and my kids home, has been invaded by stuff i never agreed to. When we discussed what he was bringing none of this shit in my living room was mentioned.

He told my youngest daughter off. This is the biggest. When we were getting ready to leave i said to dd15 to go and dry her hair as we had to leave in 45 minutes or so. Now despite long, and multiple conversations about how my kids dont need a new parent, they are mine, i deal with them, its been just us for so long that if this has any hope of working, he cannot come in and try to play parent to teenager's, he chimed in with "yeah dd name, get up now go dry your hair and get ready to leave and dont come back down till its done". This may not be any thing massive in the grand scheme of things, but the minute i left with them she burst into to tears about how he isnt her dad and he cant talk to her like that. I agreed. I apologised to her for not calling him out immediately, but i was taken aback he had said anything, as he knows my stance on this. They are my children, he does not get a say.

What do i do? Hes left his job, his home, his family, everything to come here. It was fine for the night twice a month as we did something, not normal family life. But a week in, i cant live with him, i cant do it. But i also cant tell him to leave.

Ive fucked up. Havent i.

Did you not even respond to your text? Get him out op, the relief you’ll feel will be immense

I’ve read all your updates. What I’m taking from this is that he instigated this primarily to save money, and he guilt tripped you into it by making it sound as if he was doing for you, and also by then chucking in the extra thing to nudge you even further towards doing what suits him by dangling the prospect of the relationship ending if you didn’t take this step.

No, you shouldn’t have agreed because I do think that you’re so used to living your way with just your kids that you’re finding it hard to make space for someone else (literally and figuratively).

But you wouldn’t be in this position if he hadn’t manoeuvred you into it.

This would be the end for me, and I’d be asking to him to leave.

I never said it wasnt working. The text said about dd feeling upset and i need to reiterate that he cant parent her. I get that it was reinforcing what i had said, but she isnt going to respond well to that so needs to let me deal with her for now. I said the amount of boxes in the living room is stressing me out alongside the unused furniture. We need to find a solution be that a storage facility here or back with his family, that its much more stuff than i anticipated and i cant handle so much chaos around me. I said again about looking for an armchair for him or another solution to that. That i understand how that may make him feel rejected but i do need that personal space around me as i always have done, and apologised for that. I said i know this situation is going to be hard for everyone to adapt to, and that im finding that bit particularly hard. I said about chores and finding a solution, but if one person isnt there the other is always going to be responsible for tidying what they used, thats non negotiable. But shared use we need to come to a proper agreement. I said im sorry for texting but i didnt want to just sit on it and get more and more irritated and stressed, that it was making me so anxious i didnt sleep last night, so i felt texting to make him aware of what im feeling, whilst we cant have a conversation around the kids, was fair way to bring it to his attention, and as soon as there is time and space away from the kids, we can discuss it properly.

I didnt say its not working get out of my house, i said this is what im finding difficult how can we solve it.

Ive had no response. Nor to me asking him when he came in if what i was making for dinner was ok for him or if he wanted the same as my older dd as she is having something different. Hes stonewalled me.

Haven’t read entire thread - only OP posts.

You haven’t fucked it, OP. You’ve just gone through a huge life-change. Give it a bit of time.

First, he needs to sort storage for his stuff if he wants to keep it. Do you have a useable loft? Can he pay for a shed to go in the garden? I live in a rental and bought/assembled a large metal shed. Or pay for a local lock-up/storage unit? Or, as you’ve said, store with relatives. It should include any furniture you’d rather not have in your home.

Second, he needs to respect your little sofa/safe space. I can guess at your job and I admire and applaud you for it. The sofa is a very small need if it helps you deal with the trauma you obvs experience on every shift. You’ve identified the solution to that: either he sits on big sofa or goes in bedroom.

Third, he must stick to his commitment and never tell the kids what to do again. As they’re teens, he should see them as flat mates. He should be friendly, caring and interested. Check they’re OK. Politely ask them to do something as you would a flatmate (e.g. could you take your laundry off the airer so I can use it). But never talk to them like a parent.

Fourth, you need to decide a timeframe for a review. I’d suggest 3 months. It always takes time to adjust. Most of us have prob moved to a new home and hated it to start with. But then we get used to it and into our rhythm. After the set time, you all say how you’re finding it. TBF he must be finding it extremely hard. It’s so difficult to move into an existing family set up. He’s also given up his personal space and has nowhere for his stuff. It’s v important how the kids feel about it. But, most importantly, you need to decide (i) whether you want to live with him, even if you had tons of space and (ii) whether you like living with him but the space doesn’t work.

Depending on that answer, he either has to move out again (which I know he can’t afford in the locality but frankly that’s not your problem) or you have to either find other solutions for using the space or move to a place with more space. You’d have to think carefully about the latter as it’ll mean a move for the kids. Might be better to wait a few years more until they’re all over 18. Is it possible your eldest might move out soon and then DP can have his own room?

Finally, goes without saying, he clears up after himself, within a mutually acceptable timeframe.

It sounds like such a difficult situation.

I personally find sulking so irritating and unhelpful. I get that it's a defence mechanism - but it's also selfish and negates the feelings of those around the sulker. (I was married to a sulker - marathon month-long sulks - definitely don't put up with that shit if it continues!!)

I hope he is able to lick his wounds sharpish and you can have an honest conversation.

I don't think there's anything wrong with having different expectations of a relationship. This thread proves that people have very strong ideas of what a relationship looks like to them.

It also shows that a lot of people lack empathy and imagination to be able to see that people have different types of relationship, life and expectations to them.

If he moved in with an expectation of more togetherness and physical affection because that's how he expects people that live together to behave - and many people do (even if you'd not indicated a personality change before), then I can see that he might be confused and hurt.

However, just because he's confused and hurt doesn't mean that you should be getting rid of your personal boundaries, but clearly you need an honest and compassionate conversation with one another about what you each hoped and expected from this arrangement to see whether there is any common ground or if the home lives you each want to live are too different for it to work.

I don't know whether it is a kind of pissing on territory thing as others have suggested or whether he struggles with reading the room and being able to see things from other people's point of view and needs things spelled out.

The whole filling your house with furniture and leaving mess everywhere either indicates a lack of self awareness or a strong sense of entitlement - I don't know the bloke and you do, so I guess you have a sense of what's going on there.

I really hope you are able to have a fruitful discussion and sort things out - whether it's clarifying things and building a new understanding or whether it's just to say, sorry, it's not what I expected and it's not working.

I really feel for you. Good luck OP

This

An adult would respond to her text, not refuse to talk, if he behaved like an adult I'd call him one.

An adult would move in and follow agreed boundaries not ignore her needs.

I couldn’t get past the way he spoke to your daughter.

It’s the man’s fault. End of.

He moved in a week ago? Are you joking? How on earth did you expect it to work? There was always joking to be a massive period of adjustment. And I’m sorry so what that he told your daughter to dry her hair. It’s really not the end of the world and you’re being massively unkind and over sensitive. Stunned at your selfishness.

I honestly don’t understand why so many posters are completely ignoring the fact that you had all the pertinent and relevant conversations with him before he moved in.

He knew the score but thought he could bully you into doing things his way. In your home.

Off he fucks.

So now you've tactfully set out clear boundaries and informed him of your suggested compromises and solutions, his response is to dish out the silent treatment. (This, incidentally, is a recognised form of abuse).

He's punishing you for setting boundaries and for gently reinforcing them when he rode roughshod over them. And he hasn't wasted any time about it, either. This is the classic 'training' that it's more than your peaceful equilibrium is worth to challenge him, and that these will be the consequences when you do. If you can't be doing with the hassle - and who could? - his behaviour will gradually pass unnoticed. Before you know where you are, you'll then have ended up with the vast majority of the household tasks, the gradual invasion of your personal space and favoured seating, not to mention consequences for your daughter that are very unlikely to be pleasant for her.

This is the scenario repeated ad nauseum on more MN threads than I can count. He's showing you loudly and clearly who he really is.

Just get him out.

Off he fucks.

Just seen your update, OP. That’s bang out of order. Did he ignore you in front of the kids? TBF, maybe he’s not had time to process your message and wants to calm down/chill after work/think before he responds, rather than respond badly. But he should’ve said hi and responded about what he’d prefer YOU to cook him for dinner.

He must be feeling quite wobbly. It’s a huge change for him: location, home, job. Then, he must have sensed (and now knows) you’re not happy. He’s prob having massive regrets himself, after giving up his place/job. It must be stressful starting a new job at the same time. Can you go out for a stroll/drink this evening for a quick chat or do you have to work?

Some of it’s quite easily solved, like the storage. Some might be a misunderstanding - perhaps he thought you’d like him to sit beside you and show an interest in what you’re watching, when he’d actually rather be upstairs gaming. But you must talk, urgently if poss.

He knew full well the terms and conditions of him living with you, not a single one unreasonable btw, and he literally tore them up the very day he moved in. I have no doubt that he firmly believes he can pressure/coerce/gaslight you into getting his way, and if it can just go on long eny, he'll have you trained. His blatant disrespect for you is shocking.

Chalk it up to being a failed experiment. Oh well, these things happen. Now off he fucks, right out the door.

I agree he was very wrong to tell your DD off but her 'bursting into tears' at 15 years old is a touch of the dramatics.

This stood out to me too. It seems to be deliberate boundary muddying as he seems to ignore whatever she has asked for.

It does not bode well.

10000000% this

OP you’ve done nothing wrong. He’s a man that is not listening to you and feels his needs trump yours.

Id have been nowhere near as polite as you. I need space. I need to decompress after work. I hate people constantly groping, touching or leering over me. I like my sofa and hate sitting next to people on the sofa in my down time.

You sound totally normal to me.

His response tells you everything you need to know. His needs are the only things that see important.

He rerouted his whole life for you & u won't let him sit beside you on a 2 seater?
You're not prepared to change anything at all for him? Except make him a little space for 2 items.

I understand he couldn't have barked orders at your daughter ... I'm with you on that.

If you can chat with us about it, try officially chatting to him.

If it doesn't change anything, then bring it to a close.

Are you for real? This is supposed to be the man you love. You say he is ‘free to use the rest of the space’. WHAT?? You talk of him as though he’s a lodger! You don’t want him to touch you, (is he ever allowed to? I won’t even ask about intimacy).
I loved my late husband and after 57 years together, we still liked to be close. He didn’t crowd me, just loved me and I could never have found his touch abhorrent. So your feelings seem unnatural to me, and it appears you don’t love this man, yet he has given up everything for you.
I think the saying ‘you reap what you sew’ applies here!

There were other factors, she was at that excited/anxious struggling to control all emotions as the concert we were going to was someone she has been a massive fan of since she was about 3 years old, shes wanted to see them live almost her entire life, and had waited almost a year to go with these tickets. She was struggling to contain the excitement/anxious so that moment was more dramatic a reaction had it just been an average day i think. She was constantly talking about what songs who could be there surprise guests etc which is why i was reminding her of the time for her hair.

@whatdidididido OP that's really odd to put your headphones on and ignore your other half when he's sat right next to you. If I had that done to me, I'd not be happy at all. You could easily play it on your tv even if you have to buy a casting stick or something. It's dead easy. I don't watch tv either but if the love of my life was moving in, I'd be making compromises like that and wouldn't be ignoring him. You're expecting him to adjust to you & your ways but not adjusting for him at all.