To call out friend on 'body positivity' delusion?

[treesandflowers95]

My bestie (i'll call her 'J') and I have been friends since primary school. She's godmother to my DD and we almost see each other as sisters as friends.

J has always been a curvier girl but as we've gone through our 20s, she's steadily put on more and more weight. She's 5ft 2 and now a size 30. Over the last couple of years its been noticeable how much into the 'body positivity' movement shes got. Her socials are full of shared posts about it, and she'll often bring it up in conversation.

Its not something i've ever really made an issue of with her before as though it worries me for her, i've always been of the view that everybody's body is their own business.

However we were on a hen do a few weeks ago, and honestly it was a real eye opener to just how big she's got and the impact that's starting to have on her health. The first one for me was that she needed a seatbelt extender on the flight and she seemed to think it was hilarious. We stayed in a villa on the edge of a little area with a strip of bars and restaurants. It was 350yds (i put it into Google maps) and slightly downhill on the way there and uphill on the way back, but nothing major. J was struggling to keep up with us on the way there, and on the way back was having to stop at least once because she was so out of breath. Bear in mind this was a group of girls quite a few in heels etc so its not like we were sprinting, and shes sweating and bright red. Aside from that, even basic stuff round the villa like walking upstairs (it was over 3 floors) and she struggled climbing up and down the ladders in and out of the pool. I didnt say anything to her at the time but its played on my mind.

This weekend there were four of us (all close friends) who'd been on the hen do out for drinks in the pub. We were talking about the hen do and i can't remember how it came up, but she started talking about the walk back to the villa and how steep the hill was etc. I said to her something along the lines of 'Oh it wasn't that bad' to which she replied 'Are you joking, it was so steep!' and was basically trying to get the other girls to agree and I just left it.

A bit later in the conversation she was talking about some body positivity stuff and how its about how you look after yourself and not how much you weigh. I've bit my tongue at stuff like this loads of times, but this time i said 'I think that's true to an extent but there's a point where you can't argue that you're healthy'. She didn't look happy and said 'what are you saying?'. I basically said that the fact she thought that walk on holiday was so difficult that she should have struggled with it so much was worrying, and might suggest her health wasn't as good as she seems to think it is. The reality is (and I didn't say this to her) that she eats really badly and drinks quite a lot. She spends loads on hair, make up, nails, etc which she considers as looking after herself.

She got really frosty with me, and has been funny in texts since, not her usual self, so i know i've annoyed her.

Fully accept it may not have been the best way to bring it up especially in front of others (but it wasnt like it was strangers, we're all mates back to primary school) but i just felt like it wasn't a time where i could just say nothing in the moment.

So i guess question is AIBU to have brought this up with her, and any advice on how to handle things next.

Glad you aren’t my “friend”

Do you know this person? How can you presume to know what’s causing her to gain weight? So by your merit, body confidence is making her fat, so she needs a good whack of body shame to sort herself out?

How would you know there’s nothing positive about being a size 30? Either way, just your perspective - one you’re not really entitled unless you’re a size 30. Any body of any size deserves self acceptance, love and confidence. For you to call that brainwashing sounds hateful.

Loving someone isn’t tackling their personal health issue ls in front of an audience. My mind is just boggled by people writing posts like this, thinking they know it all and this was an act of care and kindness 🫠

Well, given she's a size 30 and still gaining weight, I'm going to guess whatever is causing her weight gain hasn't been addressed.

Whether it's too much food and drink (likely from OPs post), too little activity, medical needs or whatever, regardless, it's not under control.

Burying one's head in the sand will cause premature death and a ghastly last few decades. Injecting insulin, having your eyesight fail, losing balance, losing mobility, losing your social life and being in daily pain is not pleasant. These are all things J has to look forward to.

Being a friend isn't nodding along to the body positivity movement like a nodding dog. Being a close friend is expressing concern. Sounds like J needs a wake up call. For her own sake.

I really wish people would just tell all the anorexics with psychological and genetic traits that they need a wake up call and should just eat more and move less.

It’s so obvious isn’t it.

People seem to think that they have a right or even moral responsibility to put other people straight. The idea that the OPs friend is deluded and unaware of her size or its impact on her health is utterly ridiculous. In any event the friend is being frosty with the OP so she is upset or annoyed in all likelihood. The idea that by 'calling her out' she will somehow say 'oh yes of course I should completely change my diet and lifestyle' is totally stupid. There are many reasons for obesity. It is a complex issue and is not generally resolved by people's family and friends pointing out that they are unhealthy.

Amen to that 👆

'I have to disagree with your assertion that obesity is a choice. Of course it's not good for your health, but nobody sets out to become obese. If you want to compare it with drinking, then surely it's obvious that when someone starts having a few drinks they don't aspire to alcoholism. It creeps up on them and gets to the point where pressing the pause button and reversing things is close to impossible. The reasons why people become obese and, more importantly, why they stay obese, are many and complex and will never be solved by someone pointing out that you're too fat.'

@Funnywonder

It is mostly a choice. Obesity due to medical reasons only accounts for less than 5% of obese people. It takes a LONG time to get to size 30. Maybe not decades but it doesn't happen overnight. There is plenty of opportunity to nip it in the bud or get help before it gets to that stage. It absolutely is a stage.

What science stats are you working from there @HRCsMumma?
That’s a fair amount of people thinking, ‘yeah, I choose obesity’.

Your friends fat, not stupid (regardless of what you think of her choices that led her to this). She knows. She knows she struggled up the hill and you girls didn't. Her talking about it, wasn't an invitation to rub in her face how none of you found it that bad - she was talking about how bad it was for her.

If she was trying to get the other girls to agree, after you made your comment to her, it's because you embarrassed her pointing out the obvious, and she wanted some comfort from the others, at this moment.

She's 5'2, a size 30, and somewhere over 21 stone. She knows. IF she's been big for a very long time, she might not realise quite how much easier her life would be if she was slim, but she'll certainly know it would be easier.

If you were that concerned, you'd have pulled friend aside at some point, at the right moment, alone, and told her you love her, care for her, but you were a bit concerned. There isn't any need though - you can show her you care without bringing up your concerns for her health - you know, the health she lives with every single day.

Good on her for still living life, and getting out and about at a size 30 at 5'2. That's no bloody easy feat. It IS concerning, and hopefully she does something about it, but sadly all I think is gonna come from this, is she's not gonna want to be so 'active' around you anymore.

You need to seperate being unhealthy from looking good/body positivity. She likes to still feel and look good with pretty things, like most women - She can be overweight and still have the confidence to wear what she likes. The more you encourage her with fashion, the better she will feel and will start to think about physically looking after her health, too.

She knows she's unfit and needs help, but she also needs a friend - She doesn't need a shrew. Unless you're a dietician, then just gently guide her and support her. Being negative gets nobody anywhere fast.

To add to this. I can't understand your logic - she struggled with the hill, did it regardless of that fact, but you need to point out how she struggled being active, in an effort for her to be... more active?

Can you not see the lack of logic here?

I’m late to the thread and I’m a fat woman - size 24.

I’m all for a kind of body positivity - I don’t think anyone should be treated badly for being fat; I don’t think character traits like lazy are true of fat people; I believe that fat people should be treated with kindness and empathy and they deserve healthy relationships, respect, nice clothes, and to feel good about themselves.

None of this means it’s reasonable being in denial about one’s physicality and physical limitations and pretending one’s issues are not owing to one’s weight.

Should you have told your friend what you did? To be honest I’d have been pissed off too and probably would’ve said to her the same. It would’ve been very different if she’d said ‘I found that walk really hard. I know it doesn’t help being overweight but I’d really not realised I’d become so unfit’.

I think the side of the body positivity movement (or interpretation of it) which espouses you can be healthy at any weight is harmful and disingenuous.

I can make myself look nice, I have great skin, and wear nice clothes. I have a good job, lovely family life and good friends, but I have hypertension, torn knee cartilage, and sleep apnoea. All caused or aggravated by being fat.

I disagree as when a slim or petit person tried to join in with the 'positivity' they get slammed with 'stealth boost' 'you're so vein' 'we want to see real women with curves' etc etc. it's huddle marketed at fat and obese people. The only people to ever criticise me for being skinny are fat people.

Obesity due to medical reasons counts for less than 5% of cases. People need to stop using that excuse.

that's good OP, she will forgive you, it came from a good place because you care about her health. Being attractive, confident XL curvy lady doesn't mean she isn't putting her health at risk. If she's open to gentle suggestions, maybe get her a healthy cookery book as inspiration - Joe Wicks Lean In 15 are good. Weight loss is so hard - it is for me! It will require a lifestyle shift on her part.

My family member hasn’t been offered DNA sequencing as any sort of diagnostic for morbid obesity (which is what is being described here) so be interested to know where you’re getting that stat from.

@Thatcat @GedEye

Here's an image.

It's also on the mayo clinic website.

Here's the one from the mayo clinic website. 95% are obese by no other means than eating too much.

@GedEye I also think due to most of the population being far or obese. Individual reading probably doesn't need testing on each individual, it would take years.

As I’ve described for those really hard of understanding, and all morbidly obese people are not routinely sequenced to know what gene mutations they have so that website is a guesstimate at absolute best and research in the area is happening at pace. We are not talking about ‘averagely’ overweight people who need to lose 2-3 stone and probably can make changes with lifestyle.

Seriously bored with this thread.

Of course you’re right. £100m’s into public health campaigns and if people weren’t just so lazy. Yes, you must have it right.

And the amount of people who want to be obese probably account for less than 5% of cases (you know, the extreme cases where people actively try to get bigger).

If you're suffering from obesity, you've got medical problems at play - most likely mental health (and possibly genetically) related. No one really eats themselves to obesity on purpose, as a goal in life.

People who are fully sound in all ways, don't get over 21 stone on purpose. Come on now.

People whom suffer obesity as a result of eating too much, exercising too little are suffering an eating disorder - often alongside other mental health struggles. Have a slither of comprehension of people, at least.

That’s what they use UK biobank for that already have 100k genomes, linked above.

I’m all for body positivity but obesity is a medical condition that can cause serious long term health issues and should be treated as such.

Is it embarrassing or shameful? No. Is it something to celebrate? No.

People with obesity should be helped to lose weight, not encouraged to keep it on.

Exactly.
i carry some excess weight ( not very bad), I can’t afford to gain weight,with mid stage Parkinson’s, now gait issues ( treatment planned), my life is difficult enough.

She needs to stop banging on about it of she doesn't want people's opinions. It would annoy me too