To call out friend on 'body positivity' delusion?

[treesandflowers95]

My bestie (i'll call her 'J') and I have been friends since primary school. She's godmother to my DD and we almost see each other as sisters as friends.

J has always been a curvier girl but as we've gone through our 20s, she's steadily put on more and more weight. She's 5ft 2 and now a size 30. Over the last couple of years its been noticeable how much into the 'body positivity' movement shes got. Her socials are full of shared posts about it, and she'll often bring it up in conversation.

Its not something i've ever really made an issue of with her before as though it worries me for her, i've always been of the view that everybody's body is their own business.

However we were on a hen do a few weeks ago, and honestly it was a real eye opener to just how big she's got and the impact that's starting to have on her health. The first one for me was that she needed a seatbelt extender on the flight and she seemed to think it was hilarious. We stayed in a villa on the edge of a little area with a strip of bars and restaurants. It was 350yds (i put it into Google maps) and slightly downhill on the way there and uphill on the way back, but nothing major. J was struggling to keep up with us on the way there, and on the way back was having to stop at least once because she was so out of breath. Bear in mind this was a group of girls quite a few in heels etc so its not like we were sprinting, and shes sweating and bright red. Aside from that, even basic stuff round the villa like walking upstairs (it was over 3 floors) and she struggled climbing up and down the ladders in and out of the pool. I didnt say anything to her at the time but its played on my mind.

This weekend there were four of us (all close friends) who'd been on the hen do out for drinks in the pub. We were talking about the hen do and i can't remember how it came up, but she started talking about the walk back to the villa and how steep the hill was etc. I said to her something along the lines of 'Oh it wasn't that bad' to which she replied 'Are you joking, it was so steep!' and was basically trying to get the other girls to agree and I just left it.

A bit later in the conversation she was talking about some body positivity stuff and how its about how you look after yourself and not how much you weigh. I've bit my tongue at stuff like this loads of times, but this time i said 'I think that's true to an extent but there's a point where you can't argue that you're healthy'. She didn't look happy and said 'what are you saying?'. I basically said that the fact she thought that walk on holiday was so difficult that she should have struggled with it so much was worrying, and might suggest her health wasn't as good as she seems to think it is. The reality is (and I didn't say this to her) that she eats really badly and drinks quite a lot. She spends loads on hair, make up, nails, etc which she considers as looking after herself.

She got really frosty with me, and has been funny in texts since, not her usual self, so i know i've annoyed her.

Fully accept it may not have been the best way to bring it up especially in front of others (but it wasnt like it was strangers, we're all mates back to primary school) but i just felt like it wasn't a time where i could just say nothing in the moment.

So i guess question is AIBU to have brought this up with her, and any advice on how to handle things next.

It's not really though.

I think a lot of people here have no idea what is going on in the body positivity movement now.

It is actually telling people that being overweight is not a health problem at all. There are "gurus" of the movement who are extremely obese and make a point of how they will never change their (rather extreme) over-eating, etc.

It's actually really dangerous, it's more like the pro-anna stuff than what most people think body positivity means.

A bit later in the conversation she was talking about some body positivity stuff and how its about how you look after yourself and not how much you weigh. I've bit my tongue at stuff like this loads of times, but this time i said 'I think that's true to an extent but there's a point where you can't argue that you're healthy'. She didn't look happy and said 'what are you saying?'. I basically said that the fact she thought that walk on holiday was so difficult that she should have struggled with it so much was worrying, and might suggest her health wasn't as good as she seems to think it is

I think you were fine with the first thing you said (I think that's true to an extent..."), but shouldn't have said the bits after that were specific to her.
If she's brought the issue up, I can see that it would be annoying to constantly feel like you have to agree, and what you said wasn't factually wrong - of course there is a point where you can't say it's healthy.
But when she asked what you meant you should have stayed general - just reiterated that you think there's a point where weight will be negatively affecting health, regardless of how well the person thinks they look after themselves (and that if someone gets to that weight, arguably they are not actually looking after themselves).
No need to talk about her walking up a hill.

Generally I do find it annoying when people bring up a subject repeatedly, and obviously do not want to hear any views that differ from theirs.

@BruFord

In the same way specific genes are known to implicate various cancers (e.g. BRCA and breast cancer), there are something like 50 genes associated with obesity, to varying degrees. FTO being one.

There are tons of research papers on this and lots of research ongoing.

www.ukri.org/news/scientists-identify-gene-variants-linked-to-obesity-risk/#:~:text=They%20found%20that%20genetic%20variants,and%20of%20type%202%20diabetes.

@GedEye Would being genetically more prone to weight gain/obesity make someone a size 30 and struggle to walk up a slope? As I said previously, I can’t understand why J. keeps mentioning it.

@treesandflowers95 thank you for the update, I hope you can resolve things.

i know others have criticised you and you have recognised that the way it was brought up was not the best. However, for those saying you were judging etc. I don’t feel you were. You are focusing on her health and therefore this is through love and concern. To really struggle up a slight incline of 350 yards at the age of 28 is a worry. I can see why you were concerned.

The minimising of the health risks associated with obesity on this thread are very worrying, particularly as it's a parents forum.

I’m unsure if you’re trying to understand or are being obtuse.

You’re asking the equivalent of “will
someone with a BRCA mutation definitely get breast cancer”. Maybe not but many carriers have preventative mastectomies. Their lifestyle will also influence.

This is called epigenetics - when we have inherited traits (maybe a mutation of FTO gene which means you’re 6 times more likely to be obese) plus environmental factors.

I have no idea but given there known genes associated with lots of eating disorders, I don’t pretend to make a really complex topic of biology and psychology into an armchair sport, saying people should eat less and move more will solve the problem.

You were obese yourself and knew how bad it was? You only managed to shift it with a drug.

I wouldn't typically ever say anything to anyone for their choice of weight loss methods, I'd say good for them, but your post is so ridiculously smug and you really have no call to comment on other people.

Bit baffled as to what was smug about that post

Not sure anyone has done that? Think what is mainly being debated here is an entirely different question as to whether judgemental comments from 'friends' are a help or a hindrance. Just because something is risky doesn't mean one should automatically get in another adult's face about it.

Perhaps we need a thread about helping people who have a compulsion they just can't control, to get involved in other people's deeply personal stuff?

@JaneFallow J. is the person who keeps talking about body positivity though. Why does she keep mentioning this subject off she doesn’t want her friends to talk about it and share their opinions?

The foundations for dementia are laid well before old age. Being obese throughout the life course increases the risk of dementia in old age.

All unsolicited opinions are unkind.

You should have taken your own advice. Everyone's body is their own business.

I'm sure your friend is reminded of her weight all of the time.

'I think that's true to an extent but there's a point where you can't argue that you're healthy'. You were unkind and owe your friend an apology.

Bit like you keep asking the same question.

Why do you do that if you don’t want to hear different opinions to yours?

I haven't seen anyone doing that on this thread.

@treesandflowers95
If you were concerned about your friend’s health, you wouldn’t have said what you did in front of an audience.

You would have had a private chat, asked her if there was anything she wanted to talk about, that you were worried about her and if you could help her. You didn’t do that.

I imagine v few people plan on being a size 30 and there are complex issues at play here for your friend - very personal ones, but they’re not your business. She lives in her body every single day. She knows she is fat. If fact nothing lets her forget it: Not the airline, not that hill, not strangers and not you.

She sounds like a person who has worked extremely hard to build confidence beyond her size and own it. And I can’t imagine the mental strength it takes to go on a holiday, get in a pool and know people are watching you and viewing you negatively just for how you are and look - namely you, her supposed friend.

This reads to me that you are jealous of her brand of self care and her built confidence. You wanted to shake her confidence and thinly veil it as ‘concern’. And now you’re here looking for support because you feel guilty. It’s a YABU from me.

You're being ridiculous. I know exactly how hard it is. As you say I only shifted it with the help of a (miracle) drug. I'm no better than anyone else. There is no smugness in my pointing out that obesity is really bad for your health. I didn't say losing weight is easy if I can do it anyone can did I? You're projecting hugely.

Aibu "To call out friend on 'body positivity' delusion?" Yes, very unreasonable and judgemental. I'm glad you've apologised.

Body positivity is a movement to accept bodies of all sizes and types, rather than those that conform to societal ideals of beauty. It emphasizes self-acceptance, inner worth, and appreciation for a body’s abilities.

You need to be kinder to your friend.

Sorry but they're delusional. The whole 'movement' is very worrying. I say that as someone who's close family member has struggled with an abundance of health and wellbeing issues since rapidly gaining weight in their late 20s.

She's in denial, after all, it feels much better to follow other large women when talk about how 'healthy' and beautiful they are, than to address the actual problem.

It will all catch up with her. Honestly, it sounds like you're one of the only people who genuinely loves her and has her best interests at heart. You can't sit by and watch your best friend walk straight into a heart attack (or diabetes, amputation, stroke...). You said something because you want her to make a change. Hopefully, whilst she feels uncomfortable, she's taken a little on board. Huffing and puffing when everyone else is fine is a clear sign that her cardiovascular system is struggling. She needs to wake up and take responsibility.

@GedEye I’m asking the same question because some posters seem determined to ignore the fact that J. pushed her friends into talking about body positivity and weight.

If you don’t want to discuss a subject, don’t bring it into a conversation, or you may hear opinions that you dislike/disagree with. That’s what happened here.

It also stops people making positive health changes. It encourages passivity in a world where people are medicated to the eyeballs and living the last 10-30 years of their lives housebound.

There's nothing positive about being morbidly obese. You can still be beautiful but in no way is it healthy and being unhealthy doesn't make you happy.

Her 'confidence' is causing her to gain weight. It's masking the issue and encouraging her to continue to gain or sustain her morbid obesity.

Loving someone isn't always flowers and rainbows. Sometimes people need to hear the truth to make changes.

There's nothing positive or healthy about being a size 30. It's dangerous and life limiting. That's not subjective, it's fact. People can brainwash themselves into all kinds of self acceptance, encouraged by social media, but that doesn't make it reality.

What could the op have done instead in that situation that would have been kinder to J while not disagreeing with her stance of body positivity?

Should op have kept quiet instead or lie? She didn't handle it well, and has apologised, but she's been kind enough to let her know that actually, ignoring her weight in the name of body positivity isn't a healthy thing.

if you were my friend and I knew you care about me like you clearly do your friend, I would appriciate you forever.

The strain on the heart alone being that tall and that size is really bad for cardiovascular health, diabetes is imminent.

Also if she chooses to loose weight she will struggle with the loose skin. It will really affect her. She may know all this, and use the body positivity as a disguise on how she truly feels about herself. She is frosty because she knows there is truth to what you said but it hurts non the less as she is not wanting to face facts yet.