To call out friend on 'body positivity' delusion?

[treesandflowers95]

My bestie (i'll call her 'J') and I have been friends since primary school. She's godmother to my DD and we almost see each other as sisters as friends.

J has always been a curvier girl but as we've gone through our 20s, she's steadily put on more and more weight. She's 5ft 2 and now a size 30. Over the last couple of years its been noticeable how much into the 'body positivity' movement shes got. Her socials are full of shared posts about it, and she'll often bring it up in conversation.

Its not something i've ever really made an issue of with her before as though it worries me for her, i've always been of the view that everybody's body is their own business.

However we were on a hen do a few weeks ago, and honestly it was a real eye opener to just how big she's got and the impact that's starting to have on her health. The first one for me was that she needed a seatbelt extender on the flight and she seemed to think it was hilarious. We stayed in a villa on the edge of a little area with a strip of bars and restaurants. It was 350yds (i put it into Google maps) and slightly downhill on the way there and uphill on the way back, but nothing major. J was struggling to keep up with us on the way there, and on the way back was having to stop at least once because she was so out of breath. Bear in mind this was a group of girls quite a few in heels etc so its not like we were sprinting, and shes sweating and bright red. Aside from that, even basic stuff round the villa like walking upstairs (it was over 3 floors) and she struggled climbing up and down the ladders in and out of the pool. I didnt say anything to her at the time but its played on my mind.

This weekend there were four of us (all close friends) who'd been on the hen do out for drinks in the pub. We were talking about the hen do and i can't remember how it came up, but she started talking about the walk back to the villa and how steep the hill was etc. I said to her something along the lines of 'Oh it wasn't that bad' to which she replied 'Are you joking, it was so steep!' and was basically trying to get the other girls to agree and I just left it.

A bit later in the conversation she was talking about some body positivity stuff and how its about how you look after yourself and not how much you weigh. I've bit my tongue at stuff like this loads of times, but this time i said 'I think that's true to an extent but there's a point where you can't argue that you're healthy'. She didn't look happy and said 'what are you saying?'. I basically said that the fact she thought that walk on holiday was so difficult that she should have struggled with it so much was worrying, and might suggest her health wasn't as good as she seems to think it is. The reality is (and I didn't say this to her) that she eats really badly and drinks quite a lot. She spends loads on hair, make up, nails, etc which she considers as looking after herself.

She got really frosty with me, and has been funny in texts since, not her usual self, so i know i've annoyed her.

Fully accept it may not have been the best way to bring it up especially in front of others (but it wasnt like it was strangers, we're all mates back to primary school) but i just felt like it wasn't a time where i could just say nothing in the moment.

So i guess question is AIBU to have brought this up with her, and any advice on how to handle things next.

I'd be pointing out how many of the body positivity 'influencers' have started to pass away over the last year or 2.

It's not healthy and i say that as an overweight person.

I really feel for you OP, it's obvious how much you care for your friend and any (actually very diplomatic comments) are coming from a place of kindness.

The attitude of those rushing to accuse the OP of fat-shaming, body negativity, etc etc is indicative of how skewed our society's view of "healthy" actually is.

I have lived (albeit the opposite) experience to this as someone with a history of anorexia, in varying degrees, for almost 3 decades.

I find it shocking that when I was at anything from slightly underweight BMI, people (eg colleagues, acquaintances, strangers even!) felt comfortable telling me how unhealthy I was/to eat more, etc etc, without any concern for upsetting me/intruding.

Thank god for the valuable and loving interventions from friends and family when I fell even further and was on the cusp of hospitalisation. The difference here was between size 6 and size 00, perhaps less (the exact weight probably isn't important here). The point is that psychologically/emotionally i was probably in no worse state than someone at size 30, but because physically i looked so much worse (there's no body positivity movement behind visible rib cage/all over body "fluff"/hair falling out). I looked ill. Because I was, very.

I'm eternally grateful I had friends who would shut down any attempt I made to justify my frankly shocking eating habits (claiming an undressed side salad was a filling dinner for example) and told me the truth. What is the difference between this and the OP gently asking questions about how her friend actually feels??

The only difference is for some reason it's more acceptable to be morbidly obese than morbidly underweight. They are both dangerous states to be in, and deserve understanding and compassion, but also appropriate reverence, which is what the OP was trying to convey.

There is no right time to voice your concern to a close friend about being morbidly obese and the effect it has on her ability to walk without becoming breathless with the least exertion. I would apologise to her for bringing this up in front of others although if you are all in a very close friendship group it's not so bad.

The body positivity movement spouting that being morbidly obese doesn't affect your health and hating on Doctors when they advise weight loss is absolutely atrocious. There is a difference between being too heavy for comfort and being so heavy you can hardly breathe on exertion and struggle to get out of bed. How on earth can that be healthy. I hope your friend wakens up to reality OP. You've done nothing wrong.

I would assume that she already knows she is obese and mind my own business personally.

If it were me, I would focus on getting the apology across, show her that you get that you messed up and are horrified at yourself, and you love her.

I don't think the apology is the right moment to reiterate your concern. You could bring that up separately if you want, if it feels appropriate - making sure that you only mention the health/fitness aspect and offer support (maybe doing a class together, or offering to be a non judging ear?) rather than just pointing out the problem, and do it one to one in a relaxed environment. Be aware that even if she wants to take steps, she may well not want to involve you if she now sees you as judgemental. If she doesn't want to hear it, leave it be as you won't make it better. I think this is what I'd do, and what I'd hope friends would do for me, with any similar issues - heavy drinking, stress, eating disorders, etc.

Um, that’s up for debate, actually. Does healthy obesity exist etc. The subject of much discussion.

I think being very thin is worse for your health than being obese actually.

Thinking something doesn't make it true though

I'm sorry, but I find it hard to believe that people who "call out" others on their body shape are doing so out of kindly concern for health issues. Bollocks. They are doing it for aesthetic reasons: they simply think the fat person is ugly, and they are insulted by the fat person's apparent unwillingness to put more effort into changing themselves to please others. I do wish we could be more honest about this.

I am currently at a "healthy BMI" but I was overweight when I was younger, and I also had a brief period in my life when I was seriously underweight because of life-threatening illness. So I've had the interesting experience of knowing first-hand how society treats you at many different points on the weight scale. By far I was at my most unhealthy when I was very thin, but even people who knew I was ill were not concerned by this; on the contrary, I was constantly praised for my "good looks". As for those who didn't know me well, I got requests to tell them "what's my secret" all the time. Nobody cared about my health. It was all about fitting (or not fitting) the visual standards of a society that's obsessed with Hollywood thinness, while at the same embracing a capitalist food system where sugar is added to literally everything.

If you have a very fat friend who is happy with their body and their life, well, to put it bluntly, what's it to you? It's their body, and they're not eating your food. They don't need to justify their existence to you. If they have an early death, that is also their own problem. Do you also police people who smoke, have unprotected sex, eat fast food, don't go to the dentist every 6 months, and other potentially hazardous behaviours? You'll be happier too if you just mind your own business.

Really? Because it's a lot easier (physically at least, not psychologically) to put on two stone of weight than to have to lose more than ten, say.

And my point was more that people felt able to "thin-shame" (for want of a better word) me at even slightly underweight. They didn't wait for me to get anywhere close to the equivalent of size 30 (in the other direction) and the accepted view was they were right to raise concerns, not that they were terrible for bringing it up.

It's the hypocrisy that's jarring.

You are not U to be concerned. Size 30 at 5 ft 2 is not just overweight; it's extremely so, and carries a variety of health risks.

However, you were U to confront her in a public setting in front of her friends.

I'd try to avoid the topic if you can in future and maybe try to avoid her if she is hell bent on bringing it up all the time.

@aspaceodyssey Yes, it’s difficult to avoid a topic if someone keeps bringing it up and wanting you to agree with them (when you don’t).

Also when a friend is drinking/partying too much … but not an alcoholic. Feedback can be painful, but can also be an eye opener and help change behavior when person doesn’t fully realise that they are doing a thing to excess and let’s them know it’s been noticed. (And they may not realise their own situation)

Well, I expect to make enemies here but... How close are you really? If you've known each other for 20 odd years and this has never come up before, I'd question how much you all know and support each other. She has a physical and probably mental health issue that she has never felt comfortable discussing in an open manner with you and it has taken her getting to size 30 for you to even broach it, and now you've done it head on in a public forum. People need to realise things for themselves and she's actively, vocally, avoiding the issue so sideways approaches are probably best. Imagine if this were the other way round and she were anorexic. My experience of people loudly obsessed with positivity is that they're all hiding things from themselves and have massive self-esteem issues and are on the verge of nervous collapse. Just sayin'. 😅

You were rude. She of course k ows she is unfit and very overweight. She might feel happier with it by embracing body positivity and that is her call. You clearly embarrassed her which is mean. I am not surprised she is frosty with you.

But she kept bringing it up! So either you agree unconditionally with everything somebody keeps repeating otherwise you’re rude?!

I have voted you are not being unreasonable. I am going to make a guess that you are 25 years younger than me. The difference between your friend now and when you are my age or a bit older is that you will, like me, be a healthy weight and able to do all the running around that comes with having teenage kids, working and looking after elderly parents. She won't. She will likely be fairly disabled. I have a friend from childhood like yours who now has endless health problems. She nearly died of pneumonia last winter, has gallstones, a pre-cancerous cyst on her kidneys and numerous other serious health problems. I don't see her reaching retirement age unless she improves her choices, but she won't. Your friend needs a bit of a wake up call. You don't have to make it your mission to change her, but you idon'thave to go along with her delusion either.

I think you need to consider whether it's important to be right or to be kind to your friend.

I know I am overweight (size 16) but I’d be upset if a friend told me on front of other but a quiet word might be fine but yesterday a friend (not seen them for 4 years) met me and asked me if I was pregnant I’m 50 but I’ve been on steroids for 3 years - yes I have put on weight but without steroids I would of died. Off steriods now and weight dropping off but she didn’t know that!

Nope. You were honest and not even in a brutal way. Her defensiveness smacks of her being fully aware that she is morbidly obese and most likely exceptionally unhealthy. She's kidding herself. You don't have to.

Yes I live in an area with an older than average demographic. Many of the elderly people here are either obese or morbidly obese and travel about on mobility scooters, some with I think oxygen(?) tanks strapped to their backs. My granddad’s brother is morbidly obese, uses a mobility scooter and has had a double amputation due to diabetes. It’s quite upsetting, nobody thinks they will ever end up that way.

Yep she can be happy that she was kind to her friend when she's burying her way earlier than her time. The friendship is important yes, and that's why you want you'd want your friend to be around for the long haul!

The obese doesn’t mean unhealthy is very common on young body positive instagram posts. I can well imagine OP’s friend has bought into that.
I’d say it’s kinder for Op to have said something rather than lied.
Going forward for sake of friendship it’s probably best to agree she won’t bring it up and you won’t.

To me body positivity is about self esteem, not promoting obesity. And your friend laughing about the seatbelt extender was to cover her embarrassment I’m sure. I’ve always made jokes at my own expense to hide insecurities.

in my experience being overweight comes from mental health issues, and or disordered eating. I’m sure your friend is painfully aware of her health issues.

im on a glp1 medication and it has been life changing for me, it’s not until the food noise is gone that I realise how bad it was. I am diabetic but it can be used to prevent diabetes too which I’m sure ur friend is at risk of. Perhaps gently bring that up to her - it’s more that she can’t rather than she doesn’t want too xx