To call out friend on 'body positivity' delusion?

[treesandflowers95]

My bestie (i'll call her 'J') and I have been friends since primary school. She's godmother to my DD and we almost see each other as sisters as friends.

J has always been a curvier girl but as we've gone through our 20s, she's steadily put on more and more weight. She's 5ft 2 and now a size 30. Over the last couple of years its been noticeable how much into the 'body positivity' movement shes got. Her socials are full of shared posts about it, and she'll often bring it up in conversation.

Its not something i've ever really made an issue of with her before as though it worries me for her, i've always been of the view that everybody's body is their own business.

However we were on a hen do a few weeks ago, and honestly it was a real eye opener to just how big she's got and the impact that's starting to have on her health. The first one for me was that she needed a seatbelt extender on the flight and she seemed to think it was hilarious. We stayed in a villa on the edge of a little area with a strip of bars and restaurants. It was 350yds (i put it into Google maps) and slightly downhill on the way there and uphill on the way back, but nothing major. J was struggling to keep up with us on the way there, and on the way back was having to stop at least once because she was so out of breath. Bear in mind this was a group of girls quite a few in heels etc so its not like we were sprinting, and shes sweating and bright red. Aside from that, even basic stuff round the villa like walking upstairs (it was over 3 floors) and she struggled climbing up and down the ladders in and out of the pool. I didnt say anything to her at the time but its played on my mind.

This weekend there were four of us (all close friends) who'd been on the hen do out for drinks in the pub. We were talking about the hen do and i can't remember how it came up, but she started talking about the walk back to the villa and how steep the hill was etc. I said to her something along the lines of 'Oh it wasn't that bad' to which she replied 'Are you joking, it was so steep!' and was basically trying to get the other girls to agree and I just left it.

A bit later in the conversation she was talking about some body positivity stuff and how its about how you look after yourself and not how much you weigh. I've bit my tongue at stuff like this loads of times, but this time i said 'I think that's true to an extent but there's a point where you can't argue that you're healthy'. She didn't look happy and said 'what are you saying?'. I basically said that the fact she thought that walk on holiday was so difficult that she should have struggled with it so much was worrying, and might suggest her health wasn't as good as she seems to think it is. The reality is (and I didn't say this to her) that she eats really badly and drinks quite a lot. She spends loads on hair, make up, nails, etc which she considers as looking after herself.

She got really frosty with me, and has been funny in texts since, not her usual self, so i know i've annoyed her.

Fully accept it may not have been the best way to bring it up especially in front of others (but it wasnt like it was strangers, we're all mates back to primary school) but i just felt like it wasn't a time where i could just say nothing in the moment.

So i guess question is AIBU to have brought this up with her, and any advice on how to handle things next.

Good friends talk about it in private. Ops judgement made her embarrass her friend in front of a group. THAT is the issue here. Just because the friend is obese and very unhealthy doesn't mean she isn't also deserving of ops compassion and empathy.

No.....the issue here is that the obese friend tried to get everyone to agree that the shallow incline was a steep incline

The OP put her straight.

The obese friend didn't like that, because it meant that her internal narrative (there's nothing wrong with me, it was a steep hill) was being corrected .....which meant that she might have to view her unhealthiness through a different prism to normal

Body positivity is something to be applauded

Lying to yourself is not something to be applauded

I don’t think it’s necessarily true that all obese people know their weight is unhealthy.

I remember working with someone who was morbidly obese, but was very positive, spent lots of time and money on her hair, nails etc, wore lovely clothes - just all round looked good, and her appearance was clearly important to her. But her significant obesity was very obvious. She had to see a specialist about a medical problem, and he advised her that she needed to lose weight to prevent the condition worsening. She was genuinely surprised, and her actual words were “I know I’m not skinny, but I’ve never thought of myself as overweight, and certainly didn’t think my weight was unhealthy”. I was really surprised, because it was obvious to anyone that her weight would be having an adverse effect on her health.

That's not what I said at all but you read into it what you want

This! Some people aren't aware their drinking is a problem until someone draws attention to it.

Whatever the issue/potential reaction, people who care will speak up. Like OP did with her friend.

So they had to walk a little slower up a hill and pause briefly a few times. Hardly ruining a holiday is it.

No. What has fuelled this epidemic is the food processing industry and working hours/commuting patterns.

How is walking slower / taking taxis ruining everyone’s holiday?

I don’t like the implication that being disabled = ruining a holiday either.

YABU.

The thing is she doesn't need body NEGATIVITY to handle or address health issues – she can still do those things with body positivity a the forefront. And she especially doesn't need your body negativity. Fostering feelings of positivity does not mean someone is against changes, they just don't do it due to external or internal negativity effecting their wellbeing.

I'd advise you also consider on whether you would have significantly clocked a slimmer friend getting red-faced or out of breath. And even if you'd clocked it, would you have argued so strongly that the walk 'wasn't that bad' and what struggling with it may mean about her health? Or would you have been more indifferent that your friend was simply found the walk different from you? A slim person can be unfit for a steep walk and a fat person can be fit for a walk. Does increased weight statistically mean that fitness is decreased? Yes, but your friend does not need or deserve you connecting any dots for her.

You weren't wrong about what you said and many would say that you were right to bring it up with her but, honestly, how did you think she would react? You are the messenger and she has shot you. I don't think there will be any coming back from this any time soon.

It’s rare that someone gets to this size without something else going on. Instead of publicly shaming her OP perhaps you could have taken some time to ask if she is ok? I bet she didn’t find the seatbelt extender genuinely hilarious, she was probably embarrassed and tried to make a joke out of it. If you are as close as you say you are and want to maintain the friendship I would give her a serious apology.

Say she was anorexic and not severely overweight, would you have shamed her in front of your friends or perhaps asked her in private if she was ok? Everyone deserves kindness and you did not show her this on this occasion.

That's a really good point. An anorexic person may get out of breath and have to slow down too and I bet the OP would have treated them more discretely. Bet there wouldn't be the cruel comments such as rolling down the hill to an anorexic either.

I would also be very concerned in the same situation. You cannot be healthy and obese, any more than you can be a healthy alcoholic. At best, you're storing up health problems for the future.

I think she's made up her mind to stay in denial about this, so you have to let the issue go. Possibly she'll get told the same thing at some stage by a health professional and might take it more seriously.

I wonder why other people haven't caught onto this? That stopping addiction is as simple as telling someone to stop.🙄

What else would people take that comment to mean? To me, those caveats would be irrelevant.
What would give a person more motivation to talk to a friend about their choices than the fact said friend was slowly killing themselves?

I don't think you did anything wrong. Of course, she didn't want to hear it and it sounds like she's deluding herself. However, maybe it will make her think about it.
I know in the UK we are never supposed to mention someone's weight and people always say "But they already know they're overweight." However, I can't help thinking perhaps we should talk about weight more openly. Our silence around the issue makes people think it's acceptable to be obese. In many other countries and cultures they just say "You're looking fat. You need to eat less and exercise more". People just seem to take it on the chin whereas in the UK it's seem as so deeply hurtful and emotional to mention someone's weight. My MIL is Indian and if any of her sons or daughters put on weight she tells them off!
I used to be plump and think it was fine until one day my mum suggested I lose weight. It was only then that I took it seriously.

You're right, it doesn't work. Best we just let them carry on doing what they're doing then, eh? 🙄

As I've said. They are her choices and she knows what it's doing to herself.

Anyway I'm out as clearly people on here think obesity is as simple as telling someone they're fat and killing themselves. If it was that simple, everyone would be slim.

Definitely BU for saying something in front of others.

However if you are so close I think it sounds right to have a gentle conversation about it.

At this point, I’d buy flowers and write a card to say how much you love her and only speak out because you’re genuinely worried about her, but you don’t want this to come between you.

People absolutely raise it with their friends if they are concerned about their drinking/smoking habits. The difference is, I've never heard a smoker insist that it's not unhealthy to smoke.

Hmmm. Seems to me she brought it up with talking about weight and health, and earlier in trying to get people to agree that the hill was steep. If you don't want people to disagree with you then the onus is on you to be careful about what topics you bring up.

OP if you'd been the one raising it I would say you were in the wrong. But as it was her that started the conversation I think you said what you needed to. Someone upthread compared it to criticising someone's belief in Jesus's and I think it's exactly the same - if a religious person tries to get their friends to agree their religion is true then they have to be prepared to be told that's their belief isn't shared. Same for any opinion really.

Oh, I don't disagree with that either.

I dont know whether i'd have noticed in the case you say but i'm not sure what your point is. The fact is that nobody else was having any issue with it even in heels but there were times when she had to stop twice (on a 350yd walk) because she was so out of breath that she could barely speak.

Am i (or anyone else) just supposed to not notice that?

The idea that i wanted to shame her couldnt be further from the truth and i love her to death, but i honestly don't understand how you think anyone can avoid noticing a situation like that.

To everyone else, thanks so much for all the replies, im reading and considering everything while i decide how to handle this, i promise x

Unless someone comes to the realisation themselves, that's all you can do. It's naive to think you could do anything else.

It's very personal to comment on someone's health. I have friends who I think are unhealthy for various reasons - examples are being a workaholic and always very stressed, drinking too much, unable to relax, poor sleep etc... I never comment on their health as it's deeply personal. It's different if someone asks for your support with their health issues but if they don't then there is no reason you should draw their attention to what you perceive as poor health.