To call out friend on 'body positivity' delusion?

[treesandflowers95]

My bestie (i'll call her 'J') and I have been friends since primary school. She's godmother to my DD and we almost see each other as sisters as friends.

J has always been a curvier girl but as we've gone through our 20s, she's steadily put on more and more weight. She's 5ft 2 and now a size 30. Over the last couple of years its been noticeable how much into the 'body positivity' movement shes got. Her socials are full of shared posts about it, and she'll often bring it up in conversation.

Its not something i've ever really made an issue of with her before as though it worries me for her, i've always been of the view that everybody's body is their own business.

However we were on a hen do a few weeks ago, and honestly it was a real eye opener to just how big she's got and the impact that's starting to have on her health. The first one for me was that she needed a seatbelt extender on the flight and she seemed to think it was hilarious. We stayed in a villa on the edge of a little area with a strip of bars and restaurants. It was 350yds (i put it into Google maps) and slightly downhill on the way there and uphill on the way back, but nothing major. J was struggling to keep up with us on the way there, and on the way back was having to stop at least once because she was so out of breath. Bear in mind this was a group of girls quite a few in heels etc so its not like we were sprinting, and shes sweating and bright red. Aside from that, even basic stuff round the villa like walking upstairs (it was over 3 floors) and she struggled climbing up and down the ladders in and out of the pool. I didnt say anything to her at the time but its played on my mind.

This weekend there were four of us (all close friends) who'd been on the hen do out for drinks in the pub. We were talking about the hen do and i can't remember how it came up, but she started talking about the walk back to the villa and how steep the hill was etc. I said to her something along the lines of 'Oh it wasn't that bad' to which she replied 'Are you joking, it was so steep!' and was basically trying to get the other girls to agree and I just left it.

A bit later in the conversation she was talking about some body positivity stuff and how its about how you look after yourself and not how much you weigh. I've bit my tongue at stuff like this loads of times, but this time i said 'I think that's true to an extent but there's a point where you can't argue that you're healthy'. She didn't look happy and said 'what are you saying?'. I basically said that the fact she thought that walk on holiday was so difficult that she should have struggled with it so much was worrying, and might suggest her health wasn't as good as she seems to think it is. The reality is (and I didn't say this to her) that she eats really badly and drinks quite a lot. She spends loads on hair, make up, nails, etc which she considers as looking after herself.

She got really frosty with me, and has been funny in texts since, not her usual self, so i know i've annoyed her.

Fully accept it may not have been the best way to bring it up especially in front of others (but it wasnt like it was strangers, we're all mates back to primary school) but i just felt like it wasn't a time where i could just say nothing in the moment.

So i guess question is AIBU to have brought this up with her, and any advice on how to handle things next.

That's a disgusting comment

You are being a true friend. In time she will realise you are just being real with her. Lets hope she does not have to end up in a hospital bed before she realises you are right.

Nobody should feel ashamed of their body. But we should not use 'body positivity' to advocate for and validate obesity.

There's always (rightly so) uproar of brands promoting their products using underweight or very skinny women. See Victoria secret.

The same goes for obesity. Healthy bodies should be promoted. We can't walk on eggshells in case it offends someone who is overweight, that unfortunately is their problem. Obesity caused by medical conditions affects less than 5% who are obese. And most of the population are fat or obese. It needs to be spoken about, and not glorified or seen as a positive.

You really shouldn't have said nothing yes she's unhealthy and larger but that's her choice fact is you was wrong to even mention it and clearly you feel guilty now

Lots of body positivity messages online on social media are obese doesn’t mean unhealthy. So OP’s friend may know she’s big but thinking she’s healthy. If you never walk you don’t realise how unfit you are. It sounds like she really struggled physically on holiday and that has been a shock for her to extent she’s brought it up after the holiday and tried to get the others to agree it was the geography not her.

Can you read? The OPs friend brought it up and actually asked the OP the question.

There's no reason for the OP to feel guilty.

And the OP took it too far.

I would have said something too. I always thought 'ooh I don't want to upset anyone, if they're spouting nonsense, it's on them.'
But more and more I don't like that mindset, I'm not going to go along with that mindset.
So I won't tell them 'hey you should lose weight', but won't go along with falsities. I use to just nod my head when someone said something like that eg oh it's not that bad to be overweight, it's just a number, or, screentime is educational for a child etc'. But I don't want to not stand up for the truth so i would totally also have said that.
"It is just a number, but once that number makes you unable to take a simple walk or play with your children, that number becomes important "
"That's not my understanding of screen time "
Or whatever

Lol. OP was right.

I feel as though posters inadvertently giving a straw man argument here. The op did not say what she thought with the sole intention of the friend losing weight. She said what she thought because she is entitled to respond with what she thinks to a statement of denial. If the friend as a consequence thought long and hard and did embark on a weight loss journey, that's fantastic. If she took it personally and went in a huff, that's a pity. But neither outcomes are the main point. The main point as I see it is the op was expected to sit quietly listening to an old friend spout rubbish and she does shouldn't be forced to, hurt feelings or not.

Boom boom tish.

@Carwashcath

The OP hasn't taken it too far at all. Or was probably about time someone raised their concerns. She will end up killing herself if she carries on. But let's all keep silent in case she gets upset and pretend that she's not digging herself an early grave.

Wow, you're a piece of work.

😂😂thats not kind

Exactly - and surprised more people than not think OP is being reasonable

The friend knows this. She doesn't need OP to condescendingly tell her how to be healthy. She's an adult and can make her own frigging choices.

Grow up you sound sour it was still out of order from suck a lemon love

If OP cannot accept her friend as she is, time for the friend to lose OP as a friend

I don't think you were unreasonable OP.

When she is boring on about body positivity quite often and the people she's talking to can see that her size is anything but positive for her health, she can't expect someone to not challenge her.

Same as I'd challenge someone if they kept banging on about it being a positive thing to be underweight. It's bollocks.

If she doesn't want to be challenged on it, she needs to shut up about it.

'Grow up you sound sour it was still out of order from suck a lemon love'

@MzPixie - perhaps try that again with the correct spelling and punctuation.
Stop projecting.

'The friend knows this. She doesn't need OP to condescendingly tell her how to be healthy. She's an adult and can make her own frigging choices.'

@Carwashcath fine, so the friend shouldnt keep bringing it up and asking the questions then.

Then no one has to say anything.

It's not a judgement, it's a statement of fact: Someone of that size should be encouraged to lose weight.
Not saying anything for fear of offending people is what has largely fuelled this obesity epidemic. And it IS an epidemic.

Nobody wants to hurt anyone's feelings. Nobody wants to lose loved ones prematurely to heart disease either.

Isn't it obvious she needs the body positivity stuff to make herself feel better? Any decent friend would be able to see that.

Body positivity is about accepting that people will look like people and that how you look is possibly the most unimportant thing about you.

Body positivity and health are exclusive of one another.

Perfectly OK to have brought up someone's fitness in an appropriate setting (it's not appropriate in front of all their friends) - but not their appearance.

It might well be that they are unfit and overweight and that the two things are related to one another. But you don't need to assume or mention that!

You could have said something like "I did find the walk OK - maybe I'm just a bit fitter" if she'd really pushed the question. That was all it needed.