To call out friend on 'body positivity' delusion?

[treesandflowers95]

My bestie (i'll call her 'J') and I have been friends since primary school. She's godmother to my DD and we almost see each other as sisters as friends.

J has always been a curvier girl but as we've gone through our 20s, she's steadily put on more and more weight. She's 5ft 2 and now a size 30. Over the last couple of years its been noticeable how much into the 'body positivity' movement shes got. Her socials are full of shared posts about it, and she'll often bring it up in conversation.

Its not something i've ever really made an issue of with her before as though it worries me for her, i've always been of the view that everybody's body is their own business.

However we were on a hen do a few weeks ago, and honestly it was a real eye opener to just how big she's got and the impact that's starting to have on her health. The first one for me was that she needed a seatbelt extender on the flight and she seemed to think it was hilarious. We stayed in a villa on the edge of a little area with a strip of bars and restaurants. It was 350yds (i put it into Google maps) and slightly downhill on the way there and uphill on the way back, but nothing major. J was struggling to keep up with us on the way there, and on the way back was having to stop at least once because she was so out of breath. Bear in mind this was a group of girls quite a few in heels etc so its not like we were sprinting, and shes sweating and bright red. Aside from that, even basic stuff round the villa like walking upstairs (it was over 3 floors) and she struggled climbing up and down the ladders in and out of the pool. I didnt say anything to her at the time but its played on my mind.

This weekend there were four of us (all close friends) who'd been on the hen do out for drinks in the pub. We were talking about the hen do and i can't remember how it came up, but she started talking about the walk back to the villa and how steep the hill was etc. I said to her something along the lines of 'Oh it wasn't that bad' to which she replied 'Are you joking, it was so steep!' and was basically trying to get the other girls to agree and I just left it.

A bit later in the conversation she was talking about some body positivity stuff and how its about how you look after yourself and not how much you weigh. I've bit my tongue at stuff like this loads of times, but this time i said 'I think that's true to an extent but there's a point where you can't argue that you're healthy'. She didn't look happy and said 'what are you saying?'. I basically said that the fact she thought that walk on holiday was so difficult that she should have struggled with it so much was worrying, and might suggest her health wasn't as good as she seems to think it is. The reality is (and I didn't say this to her) that she eats really badly and drinks quite a lot. She spends loads on hair, make up, nails, etc which she considers as looking after herself.

She got really frosty with me, and has been funny in texts since, not her usual self, so i know i've annoyed her.

Fully accept it may not have been the best way to bring it up especially in front of others (but it wasnt like it was strangers, we're all mates back to primary school) but i just felt like it wasn't a time where i could just say nothing in the moment.

So i guess question is AIBU to have brought this up with her, and any advice on how to handle things next.

We took out private health insurance purely because DD got into horse riding. It’s not an unreasonable ask when you’re knowingly putting yourself at risk with a dangerous activity or lifestyle, whatever that may be.

As others have said, your friend knows that she is very overweight.
Even if you had a conversation with her it should have been in private

This is so refreshing to read.

Everywhere all around us people are eating themselves to death whilst talking about body positivity and ‘fat shaming’ in order to shut down any debate about it. I have even heard of people being offended when their GP tells them they need to lose weight.
Size does matter, when it’s that big. A huge percentage of people in the UK are now overweight or obese… the number of people who are in the healthy weight bracket are now actually a minority. That is not good for a struggling health service.

No, but nor should they expect others to nod along when they express their pro Ana beliefs. It’s not about expecting them to suddenly change their behaviour. It’s about you holding a boundary that you won’t join them in endorsing the behaviour, when they start a conversation about it.

I totally disagree with posters saying you should not have said it publicly. She banged on about it publicly and the way a conversation works is we share opinions. If you have to self censor while she bangs the delusion drum, that is not a conversation.

She is, as others said, captured by a delusion and as a friend you'd be dishonest to encourage that delusion.

How obnoxious. Does that apply to everyone about everything you don't approve of? I don't drink, should I chastise and express my concern to everyone who does?

Spot on.
She maybe 'ok' now but as pp , as she ages her weight will cause her more and more problems/ serious health issues.

So basically what you're saying is you couldn't give a stuff about what anyone else does and won't express concern if they're bringing harm to themselves.

In this instance I agree friend does not owe her health but equally slim friend is not obligated to agree that the hill was steep or that being size 30 is healthy or remotely conducive to being fit.

Actually this happened to me around Christmas time. I was deep into an anorexia relapse and only one friend said anything to me. I had more respect for her for saying something and felt that she actually cared for me by noticing when no one else seemed to. I also trust her more for being honest. It was partly what triggered me to start recovering again in January. I’m not saying it was easy, it still isn’t but I’m grateful to that friend!

I’m so glad to hear this as I have once or twice said something to a friend who is relapsing and she has later said it was kind of helpful but good to hear from another person

I had a friend of 20 years, until I put on weight and then she started with the "I'm concerned about your weight" and "I dont' think, you really are happy"..

The thing was I had put on weight (went from size 16 to 20) but still exercising- jogging, yoga and walking 4 miles most days but I am happy and have made peace with my size. It really, really hurt that my friend coudn't see this just my size and that she felt her right to make judgement on it and I saw her for who she really was. NOT a friend I wanted.

At 28 I think you can genuinely be in denial. You probably have very limited contact with Drs.
You can buy nice clothes online in your size, food and shopping delivered so no carrying bags. Drive everywhere. Similar friends so socialising is a meal out or takeaway at home. Sedentary job.
All easy to see how you can live life and not realise how restricted physically you are until you are out of usual routine.

Ooh, you’d better be very rich, or rarely leave the house then 😂

She sounds delusional and in denial.
Id probably distance myself from her as you’ve likely upset her; if she confronts you or wants to talk about it I would say how much you care about her but are worried about her health. She won’t thank you for it and it sounds like she will see it as a black mark against you, but really you are right. X

Don't eat anything either. Some study or another will show that it's bad for you at some point.

Basically but not because I don't care. I treat people like adults with agency. If they ask for my advice, then I give it. If they don't, I let them make their own decisions.

I don't think you were wrong but I would also address it with her directly. It's not about not being body positive it's about health.

Personally I would phrase it in a way which is about wanting to make sure she's around for her child, to grow old and at the moment she's heading for an early grave.

Losing weight is hard but doable but first people have to realise the level that their diet contributes to that. Most people underestimate calories within their portion sizes. Most people assume their body needs 2000 calories (mines actually 1500).

But like anything she has to want to make a start at it and have support in doing so. Start with walking and build up.

This. The stuff like laughing when she needs a seatbelt extender will probably be out of embarrassment. The body positivity thing will be to try and boost her confidence, I’m sure she’s already well aware of how overweight and unhealthy she is. You sound a bit judgy and unkind with how you’ve worded this post. She probably felt very humiliated by you.

Body positivity is basically about not hating yourself if you don’t have ‘media standard’ body type. What is there to disagree with?

Ha, it won’t really take to cost off the tax payer unless she is injured in such a way that she needs long term health care. Horse riding accidents are usually emergency services situations. Ambulances, maybe an air ambulance, A&E, emergency surgery. None of that is provided by private health services unless you are a member of the royal family! I speak from experience. My own and that of several friends and many acquaintances.

I fully agree. I think it is about addiction and mental health. And we talk about this in relation to the others but when the addiction is food we are to pretend not to notice.

@cupcaske123 I also don't think the children of the morbidity obese escape harm. Of course it is a very different kind of harm but they are often obese themselves as they learn a very skewed normal, they often have to perform additional caring duties, their world often shirnks.

My point is that we treat it differently when the underlying causes are often similar..

Why do you think OP’s friend weighs 32 stone or more?

I take it you've never had to deal with a sick relative? Taken Power of Attorney over someone? Intervened in someone's MH crisis?

What makes you equipped to provide advice to those of us who are quite happy to intervene when we think someone is harming themselves?

Why should OP be embarrassed?
She's not eating and drinking herself into a grave and is in denial.
OP actually cares about her friend and wouldn't have ever been able to say anything without this being the result.
OP's done her friend a favour.

Probably the only real friend the size 30 person has.