To expect my husband to put his foot down to his work?

[Stresshead91]

more of a rant than an AIBU…..

I’m a paramedic on mat leave, returning to work in October. We currently have our toddler in nursery and our year old will be starting when I return, but just finding it relentless.

DH has an office job but isn’t allowed to wfh, and recently had a flexible working request denied as they said it wasn’t feasible. He never gets away from the office on time which is leaving me stressed about the days he will be picking the kids up from nursery, as they have to be picked up by 5.30.

Ive requested I won’t be working overnight shifts but beyond that I can’t do less hours as we need the money. Kids are in nursery 3 days a week and my mum looks after them the other days, she’s semi retired so I feel bad asking as she is meant to be slowing down, MIL doesn’t keep in the best health so don’t feel comfortable asking her to help.

how do people do it??? DH and I had words because I said he needs to put his foot down and leave especially as he’s not paid extra for overtime, but he says it’s part of the culture and nobody leaves at 5 so looks bad on him etc. I do understand his point as my first job I was an office junior and know what it can be like, but I’m already foreseeing the nursery trying to phone me while I’m at work, DH being late and us getting hit with late pick up fees.

Any chance of finding a nursery that opens later than 530? That's quite early time for them to close, unless they open extra early to compensate?

Does he get paid extra for staying longer? If not then the "culture" doesn't really matter as long as his work is getting done.

For all he knows, others could feel the same and are just waiting for one person to leave work at the finish time.

How far from his work is the nursery?

I used a nursery that shuts at 6:30pm - isn’t 5:30pm earlier than usual ?

If his flexible work request was denied because he has to work later than 5 then you'll need to arrange a childminder for those 3 days. If it's easier or cheaper then you might put them into nursery for 4 or 5 days and have your mum pick them up other days. Otherwise consider the hospital nursery if they have later pick-up. If he won't pick up the kids though, then somehow another option needs to be found.

It doesn't sound like your DH actually feels responsible for the kids, as he should be working on options not just throwing it back on you. I guess it's up to you what you do about that. It wouldn't work for me.

5:30 seems very early for a nursery to close. Can you find a different one?

I’m usually on the side of the adult with the late working office culture. However, assuming you were a paramedic before going on mat leave, I’m going to take a different view here.

Given the nature of your job, your timings must take priority.

Can your DH come into the office earlier so everyone sees he’s the first one there?

Can your DH block in his calendar when the pickups are, and a period after then when he’s picking up emails from home and getting some extra work in the evening?

He doesn’t sound crazy busy, just required to maintain the perception of always working, and that can be done without sacrificing his ability to do the evening nursery run.

He is being an arse though. Culture or not, if you need to pick your kids up for 5:30 then you go and pick your kids up for 5:30. If he feels the need to still work after that tell him to bring his laptop home.

Also, yeah 5:30 is early for a nursery. Should be 6 at least.

I agree that 5.30 is early but also this is not your problem to fix. Your husband needs to pick the children up from nursery before it closes on the days he has to. Whatever he has to do to make that work is his problem.

I appreciate how hard it is to lean out and not try to mitigate the worst case scenario (him being late) before it happens, but you have to give him the opportunity to not fail rather than assuming he will.

I suspect he will manage, because he will find it less awkward to pack up work at 5 twice a week than keeping a pile of notes in his wallet to pay the £20 per 5 minutes late fine and get a talking to from the nursery manager every time he doesn’t get there in time.

Can he start earlier on nursery days so that he can leave earlier?

If not, then he just needs to suck it up, really.

Who does he think will be picking the kids up then?

Does he know it's actually on him but is pushing it to the back of his mind as a problem to solve in October?

Or is he outright saying he will not pick them
Up?

how do people do it???

You leave work at a reasonable time to pick up your kids. If it’s your DH’s job to collect them he’ll just have to find a way to make it work. I imagine a few late fines will encourage him to leave on time.

Can he start early, so he can leave on time? My first boss started work at 7am, to enable him to finish at 4.30pm

Agree you need to let the late pick-ups rebound on him. Do the nursery have him down as first port of call? If not, set a redirect from your phone to his for those days. Also, maybe suggest to him he sets an automatic phone alarm for 30 min before he's due to leave. It doesn't sound to me like he's trying to hard (any way of pushing back on the flexible work refusal?) and might be displaying strategic incompetence.

You say he is not paid overtime, but presumably not paid by the hour? Many salaried staff do not have set hours and ate expected to do what is needed to get the job done/project completed etc.
He can put his foot down all
he likes but he might end up sidelined or jobless.

The best option is for the two of you to choose a nursery that truly works for your family.

if this is the best available, then you have to leave it to him to solve the problem.

if he is in charge of pickups, his phone number should be listed first in all paperwork.

he deals with the phone call about being late. He deals with the disapproving looks when he does arrive.

yes, your family may get fined. It will be additional incentive for him to figure it out.

I actually think 5.30 is already quite late for a 1year old and even the toddler.

He needs to get into work earlier if he wants to do longer hours. If picks oick ups his responsibility then he needs to get there.

Could he actually wfh or is his work correct that it wouldn't be possible?

It doesn’t matter whether he ‘could’ wfh if his employer says no.

This isn't a your husband being a dick problem, it's a inadequate/inappropriate childcare arranged to meet your needs.

You can't reliably pick up at 5.30 and your DH can't reliably pick up at 5.30, so you need to have childcare in place which covers until an hour where one of you can reliably pick up.

5.30 is an unusually early pick up time for Nursery. If that's the latest that Nursery will do, then that Nursery isn't suitable for you, and you need to find a different Nursery or a Childminder that offers the hours that you need.

You and your husband need to find better childcare arrangements that are workable without either of you putting your jobs in jeopardy or needing to cut hours.

Most workplaces strongly frown upon people working to hours, particularly at managerial levels, when you generally work to get the job done rather than leaving at 5 on the dot. It's likely to damage his reputation and future earning potential if he isn't a team player and keeps leaving at 5. It's not necessarily a culture that I love, but it's quite a common culture, and him "putting his foot down" in a culture like that will likely lead to him being managed out as he'll be seen as "not a team player". The fact that flexible working has be turned down suggests that his work place is likely to not have a flexible culture.

5.30 is early, either find a nursery that runs later or use a child minder.

What are his contracted hours ?

I think you need to change nursery, I remember working somewhere where it didn;t matter how early you arrived you could not finish before 5:30.

How does he feel about any fines coming out of his personal spending money?

If he can’t collect the DC on time, he needs to look for a new job.

Of course his work is correct, what a silly question, why would you possibly think thr op is a better judge of that than the management team

the issue here is not her or her husbands work it’s they’ve picked a nursery which bizzarely wants collection at 5.30. They have inadequate and inappropriate child care.

You can’t be serious. 😂 they just need proper childcare. Who the hell can pick up at 5.30 in most jobs,

One tip for DH may be to leave earlier than 5 eg 3pm and go home, work from home for a couple of hours and then pickup. I found leaving very early somehow attracted less attention than leaving at 5pm!

Change Nursery or organise a childminder to collect your children at 5.30 and look after them for an hour

It's not fair to expect DH to leave on the dot. It just doesn't work that way