To expect my husband to put his foot down to his work?

[Stresshead91]

more of a rant than an AIBU…..

I’m a paramedic on mat leave, returning to work in October. We currently have our toddler in nursery and our year old will be starting when I return, but just finding it relentless.

DH has an office job but isn’t allowed to wfh, and recently had a flexible working request denied as they said it wasn’t feasible. He never gets away from the office on time which is leaving me stressed about the days he will be picking the kids up from nursery, as they have to be picked up by 5.30.

Ive requested I won’t be working overnight shifts but beyond that I can’t do less hours as we need the money. Kids are in nursery 3 days a week and my mum looks after them the other days, she’s semi retired so I feel bad asking as she is meant to be slowing down, MIL doesn’t keep in the best health so don’t feel comfortable asking her to help.

how do people do it??? DH and I had words because I said he needs to put his foot down and leave especially as he’s not paid extra for overtime, but he says it’s part of the culture and nobody leaves at 5 so looks bad on him etc. I do understand his point as my first job I was an office junior and know what it can be like, but I’m already foreseeing the nursery trying to phone me while I’m at work, DH being late and us getting hit with late pick up fees.

Sadly many parents need a nursery open later than 530. The culture of working 9 till 5 is slowly fading.

My nursery closes at 8pm and opens at 630am but it's based next to a hospital sl I scoop up a lot of families from there.

My other nursery will be 7am to 630pm as different area and the nurseries around it close 545pm

In any work place I've worked in men are respected and looked up to for putting their foot down in order to help run their family & do their bit.

We used a nursery that had 7:30-6:30 hours. We never actually needed that in the end but it was just in case.
And if you're having problems now with this, better to get it resolved now as the school day is much shorter and sounds like you'll need a lot of wrap around care to plan for.

He’s going to have to leave at five, whatever the culture and he has to be thick-skinned. Goodness women have to go through announcing they are going on maternity leave, plan for said leave, feel bad for leaving their team and then they have to fight for their rights when they return back to work, juggle breastfeeding etc. I have little sympathy for a man who is going to have to tolerate a few negative comments because he leaves his work on time.

Make sure you let him know that if he is regularly late and the nursery kick you out finding new childcare will be on him.

Tell him that any late fees he creates by leaving work late will be paid out of his own money not family Mahoney and leave him to it. He’ll son get used to leaving on time. I would tell the nursery your concern so that they don’t decide to be lenient the first time and they hit him with the full fine first time he does it.

Your h is just as responsible for your dc as you are. He needs to make it work on ‘his’ days and you do what you have to do on yours.

don’t compromise on this. He needs to leave at 5 to get his kids, he leaves at 5.

his work will have to suck it up, or he’ll need to find a better more family friendly place to work.

Childminder or a different nursery that stays open later are the obvious solutions if neither of you can feasibly make a 5.30 pick up.

I put this to my DH who has been a very senior manager within the financial sector and now owns his own fin tech company. His opinion is that your DH should find a more accommodating company to work for. He says he would absolutely leave at 5 to pick the kids up and yes there would be a risk of being sidelined but if that was actually the case do you really want to be working for a company with that sort of culture? So in his opinion - look for a new job with a better company.

In many places Dads get kudos for doing anything at all with kids. School runs, nativity plays 'oh what a good dad '

This.

My husband and I dislike our jobs. However, they offer us the flexibility to compress our hours, and spend more time with our little boy whilst he's young. He's downstairs playing with him now on SPL.

He was only a day in before he said every man should do this. To know what it's like, and to take an equal part in raising their children.

Except that is easy for a “very senior manager” to say and do. The former CEO of Yahoo, Marissa Mayer had a nursery built next to her work office so she could bring her baby to work every day. Then she banned all WFH and flexible working for Yahoo employees. Then she bankrupted the entire company.

What a “very senior manager” can get away with is usually a hell of a lot more than a middle or lower manager.

I had to leave my old office at 4.40 to get back for 6pm pickup - over an hour commute and unreliable trains. I went in early and had to walk out of meetings early. I just got on with it.

My husband had to do drop off the days I went in early, meaning he wasn't getting in til half 9. He grumbled about it because it's not the done thing and he didn't want to be seen as slacking, but we had to make childcare work and we chose to live in a commuter town - there was no way I could do all dropoffs and all pickups and why should I have to.

I now work fulltime from home to be able to have more flexibility but there are still days where I have an early call and DH has to go into work late because he's doing drop off. It's the price you pay for having kids.

Agree with a PP that said until men start putting their foot down and flexing their work around their family too it only serves to disadvantage women further.

You’re dh company can’t have it both ways, they’ve refused him a flexible working request, due to this that means he can’t be expected to work the culture outside his employment contract due to his own family commitments.

Women all over the country leave at 5pm on the dot to get to nursery and end up being ignored for promotion etc as a result. Until men start doing it too, nothing will change.

I never did. I stayed until the job was done. I had a nursery that had later hours.

Everyone keeps saying this like we all have unlimited childcare options with a massive variety of opening hours.

Outside of big cities and towns, many people only have one or two choices.

Does he think his job is more important than yours? You are a team and he needs to do his bit.

So many stupid replies on here 'Pick another nursery!'. Yes because it's that fucking easy to find childcare

Exactly! Our town has...one nursery. That's it. There's a couple of childminders but you need to get your child's name down at birth to stand any chance of getting a space, and one of them doesn't work full-time or holidays, lol.

Bollocks ti that. He needs to finish on time as he’s only paid until that time. He needs to pack up and leave his desk. Unless he’s a brain surgeon, he needs to leave on time. Culture, my arse! This is all on the management expecting their staff to work for free.

I lived in a quite rural area when my youngest was young. There are childminders out there. They are the childcare that offers the most flexible hours. Their current situation isn't working for them so they need to put in th effort to find those alternate solutions. They are out there - everywhere.

Cop for you. Many parents prefer to prioritise family life vs always allowing work to come first. Never leaving right when you finish is incredibly sad.

I suggested another nursery as there's at least 10 in my area. Just like you've got 1 option where you are, some people live with multiple options.

It's not that outrageous a suggestion is it?!

I'm guessing people are making this suggestion as they have no idea where the OP lives and therefore have no idea of the availability of childcare.

Most nurseries stay open beyond 530 so you need to explore that option to be honest - the stress of rushing back to pick my kids up from a child care provider which finished that early was one of the singular most stressful years of my life