To expect my husband to put his foot down to his work?

[Stresshead91]

more of a rant than an AIBU…..

I’m a paramedic on mat leave, returning to work in October. We currently have our toddler in nursery and our year old will be starting when I return, but just finding it relentless.

DH has an office job but isn’t allowed to wfh, and recently had a flexible working request denied as they said it wasn’t feasible. He never gets away from the office on time which is leaving me stressed about the days he will be picking the kids up from nursery, as they have to be picked up by 5.30.

Ive requested I won’t be working overnight shifts but beyond that I can’t do less hours as we need the money. Kids are in nursery 3 days a week and my mum looks after them the other days, she’s semi retired so I feel bad asking as she is meant to be slowing down, MIL doesn’t keep in the best health so don’t feel comfortable asking her to help.

how do people do it??? DH and I had words because I said he needs to put his foot down and leave especially as he’s not paid extra for overtime, but he says it’s part of the culture and nobody leaves at 5 so looks bad on him etc. I do understand his point as my first job I was an office junior and know what it can be like, but I’m already foreseeing the nursery trying to phone me while I’m at work, DH being late and us getting hit with late pick up fees.

No you pick child care that works for you. 5.30 wouldn’t work for most.

Women all over the country leave at 5pm on the dot to get to nursery and end up being ignored for promotion etc as a result. Until men start doing it too, nothing will change.

So he can either be a trailblazer, or he can suck up a few years of his career stalling (again, like women do) or he can come up with another solution. The nature of your role means you are no use on those days so he needs to start investigating and considering his options.

I know you say you have requested no night shifts but what is the night pattern? I know a paramedic who does 19:00-07:00 when on nights which ties in perfectly. She picks up from school, husband is there overnight and she works, then she clocks off at 7 in time for nursery drop off and she sleeps.

Not sure what your hours are though so may not work for you. Btw good for you for doing such a noble job. And yes, husband needs to grow a pair and say sorry need to get off now.

Well I am guessing everyone else whose DC are at that nursery who works are managing 🤷‍♀️

Bloody hell whoever said it's too late for kids to be at childcare obviously have never had to have a child in childcare to pay bills

So he can finish at 5pm and collect by 530 but says he chooses not to?

So whats his solution? Turn the conversation around and ask him.

Oh yes let’s beat the sexist drum, make him suffer as women did it. More fool them, I didn’t, I picked a child minder, and my kid is a young adult. The op can find alternate solutions, no need for a vengeful post, I’m sure they need her husbands wage and no he doesn’t need to be penalised, and thus his family to atone for womens suffering.

I’m sure they are, but I’m guessing they don’t do the same jobs as the op and her husband and in the same location, are you bizzarely thinking they are. How very odd.

it does 'work that way' in millions of jobs across the country though.
Have you missed the news over the last 5 years about the huge increase in WFH/flexitime?

Everyone in my job has the option to do both. Some roles more than others (i.e. some people can work literally whatever hours they want, others have to work with their team so there is always someone covering). Same with my previous job. Same with my sibling's job in a different sector. Same with my partner's job in a third sector.

Some degree of flexibility is now the norm in most 'office' 9-5 jobs. Why should the automatic option be for a very young child to stay in nursery even later, costing the family money, when the possibility of the DH at least considering changing jobs to somewhere that respects and trusts its employees more is very likely an option.

Most parts of the country don't have endless childcare options - around here we have one nursery and two childminders to serve a town of 7,000 people - that's it.

MN seems to think that everyone can just pick and choose different childcare at the drop of a hat - whereas for most it's impossible.

Her DH can also finish at 5pm - he's just choosing not to.

There are plenty of workplaces where wfh is perfectly possible but middle management love the power of making everyone come in.

My last office, one of the Big 4, absolutely insisted staff in my position must be in the office 5 days a week. No one I needed to talk to about work was based in my office, all my meetings were online. The same position was wfh 4/5 days in all other offices. It was simply our office had average old school manager. New manager changed everything.

It does work if he leaves on time though.

No everywhere has a huge range of local childcare options that they can just switch from at a months notice.

2 preschoolers and one on the way and yes oddly we have bills to pay. I still wouldn't want a 1yr old to be in childcare until 5.30 5xdays a week. We adjusted our lifestyle and work around the kids rather than the other way around.

You have no idea how lucky my they are in childcare each day so how are you so convinced it’s too long?

One of my relatives worked in a huge international bank. Worked the hours that the job demanded. Couldn't believe it when parents just got up and left at 5. Needless to say they didn't have children. When you gotta go, you gotta go.

OP has explained her DH is choosing to stay late rather than leave on time and collect the children.

Most posters are focused on that. Your posts are a little strange so I will leave you to it 😂

You need to find a nursery or childminder that opens later. And DH needs to leave work on time. There's not really anything else you can do. I suppose if his job is that big and important he could fund a nanny to suit.

We also picked a nursery with extended hours for that reason. It opens 7:30-18:30, it's more expensive per day but cheaper than fines and gives us have peace of mind if we are delayed from work.

That said, I agree that your husband needs to put his big boy pants and work it out with his manager. Or find another job. That type of behaviour is exactly why you will end up doing all the GP appointments, vaccines, school stuff, sickness etc.

If his contractual hours are until 5pm, then on the days he is doing nursery pick ups then he will need to leave at 5pm.

If he hasn't finished his work by 5pm, can he log on later in the evening to finish his work or go in early the next morning.

In my profession (and DH's for that matter, before he started working for himself), leaving on time would be career-limiting, no question. I'm not saying you'd get eased out or anything that dramatic, but you wouldn't be considered for promotion, you'd be more likely to get the shit assignments, that sort of thing. Whether this matters to OP and her DH probably depends on whether he is in a career-type role which offers opportunities for advancement or more of a job-type role where that isn't really on the cards and/or not something her DH is actively seeking. If the latter, then yes he should just leave on time; if the former then as PPs have said they as a couple probably need either a different nursery or another form of childcare to bridge the gap between the current nursery closing and the DH being available.

Well I want doesn't get so 🤷🏻‍♀️

glad it's working out for you to be able to work around your kids. Please don't judge those of us who have no other choice but to do this

Most nurseries in our city close at 5:30pm, it's not a "choice". If you work in town and finish at 5pm, it works fine. As OP clearly explained, her husband is choosing to stay later - unpaid.

Also, a lot of employers reject flexible working requests for unreasonable reasons. Because they just don't want to. So it's not unreasonable to ask whether their decision was justified or not
If not then OP's husband need to find another job.

This is surely the most obvious solution. DH starts 7am every day, office job. It's unusual but can be done. It ensures he's back early afternoon.

What is your DH's job? Can he leave and go to a more flexible company?
What reason did they give for no flexible working or WFH a couple of days a week?

I also think you're right and he does need to put his foot down and leave at 5pm if he's collecting children, he absolutely can't be late for that!

Is his company quite old school/sexist? My brother put in a flexible working application to go down to 4 days in his old job, they did approve it but could not believe a Dad would want to go part time! He ended up moving jobs.

Use a different nursery…..round here they close at 6pm….would be less hassle for you all