To expect my husband to put his foot down to his work?

[Stresshead91]

more of a rant than an AIBU…..

I’m a paramedic on mat leave, returning to work in October. We currently have our toddler in nursery and our year old will be starting when I return, but just finding it relentless.

DH has an office job but isn’t allowed to wfh, and recently had a flexible working request denied as they said it wasn’t feasible. He never gets away from the office on time which is leaving me stressed about the days he will be picking the kids up from nursery, as they have to be picked up by 5.30.

Ive requested I won’t be working overnight shifts but beyond that I can’t do less hours as we need the money. Kids are in nursery 3 days a week and my mum looks after them the other days, she’s semi retired so I feel bad asking as she is meant to be slowing down, MIL doesn’t keep in the best health so don’t feel comfortable asking her to help.

how do people do it??? DH and I had words because I said he needs to put his foot down and leave especially as he’s not paid extra for overtime, but he says it’s part of the culture and nobody leaves at 5 so looks bad on him etc. I do understand his point as my first job I was an office junior and know what it can be like, but I’m already foreseeing the nursery trying to phone me while I’m at work, DH being late and us getting hit with late pick up fees.

Agree with this. He picks the kids up on time on his days. This is not negotiable and he needs to set a boundary. I'm all for working unpaid overtime and I come from similar work culture but I managed to pick my kids up on time.

It's really inconsiderate to the poor nursery worker staying late because he doesn't want to leave work.

Or find a nursery that does a 6 30 pick up. Frankly it's too late to get home for small dc. I used to do 6pm. He's going to have to get used to earlier collections when they are at school.

Could your mum do the nursery collections?

My apologies, I didn't realise you knew all about the availability of every single nursery and childminder across the entire country

Do you not think OP would have already changed childcare if it was an option?!

If he wears a tie as part of his work attire, get one with dinosaurs on it to reflect the attitude of his employers.

Picking up on designated days needs to be non-negotiable I agree.

Your DH should be looking for another job as well.

Back before hybrid working, whenever someone got up to leave there’d immediately be a queue of people forming to “catch them” before they left. Often this delayed the person leaving by 20 minutes or so.

I don’t understand the issue here. He hasn’t actually had to pick them up yet. I’m sure he’s capable of leaving o; time when he absolutely needs to, but until then, he’ll continue to be flexible.

Do you often speak to your husband as if he were a child?

I did prioritise family life as much as was possible. What makes you think I didn’t leave right when I finished? Not all of us have the type of job where you can punch out at a set time every day like a factory worker.

Who knows, which is why I asked the question based on the info provided "is finding another nursery an option"

It could be they are automatically sending the child there because that's where the first child goes and have only just realised the opening times don't work anymore but don't want to uproot the children if necessary.

She hasn't bothered herself to come back and answer any of the replies so your guess is as good as mine.

Not sure why you're so wound up about it tbh, it's not beyond the realms of possibility is it?😳

? No. She and he probably thought the flexible working request would be approved.

And you do??

Well apparently you do, and the locations of them as well. You super keen to let everyone know, who has suggested if alternative childcare is an option, that actually it isn't and the majority of the country outside of towns only has 1 option.

Blimey, I'm not sure why I'm getting so much stick for saying that not everywhere in the country has multiple childcare option with a huge range of finishing times

backs slowly away from thread

It’s been a crazy busy day and just got the youngest down, been sitting with a cuppa reading the thread, thanks to everyone for replying.

Nurseries are limited where we are (village) and had a hard enough time finding one for oldest, and no childminders with availability. We don’t have many friends around here, we bought it as it’s the next village over from his mum who we need to be near because of her health, and also budget at the time we bought.

My mum is a 20 min drive away and still works and it’s shift work, she may be able to help with pick ups occasionally but not a consistent rota with her. She has said in a few years once she’s fully retired and the kids are at primary school, she can do after school care so I know this is a case of gritting our teeth and getting through the next few years until then.

Im going to speak to my partner about pushing his work for flexible working, or else try to find something new. The suggestion of starting earlier could work, especially if it means he could get the earlier train home. I should have clarified earlier, he works in our nearest city so he parks at the local station and gets the train in which is 35 mins, and twice an hour.

I was having a moan about it with another nursery mum today who suggested putting the kids in to a nursery near DHs office which sounded ideal, but a Google has shown me although there are some open later the prices are a lot higher than what we are paying.

The person who commented about timing night shifts to drop off then head home to sleep, I hadn’t really thought about it that way, but definitely something I’ll look into more!

No one was giving you stick, they were, including me, replying to your responses to their messages.

Are you always this dramatic?

Turns OP has the choice of alternative care but it doesn't work for them, so you were not strictly correct in your insistence that childcare providers are limited to 1 per town as you seemed adamant they were

PS this a reply, not "giving you stick"

What's the price difference between the two nurseries? And when does the funded places kick in for both of them?

I don't know how reliable your train service is but it's worth remembering that your Husband can't alway rely on getting the latest possible train if the trains are delayed or cancelled for any reason which will still end up making him late, e.g if the trains are quarter to and quarter past and he gets the quarter to one, he only has 5 mins time to play with maybe 10 depending on how far the station is from the nursery at the other end, same if they are on the hour and half past the hour, he needs to be getting the 430 train so potentially finishing at 4pm

Is he happy there? If not can he switch jobs. Many office jobs allow dome wfh or flexibility.
Whats his solution? What do women in his office do? Being constantly be late isn’t an option you’ll get fined and probably lose places plus miserable for children to be there after closing. It’s a very early finish for a nursery.

He’ll need to check rules on flexible work requests. I think ours is one every 12 months. So if he’s just been turned down he might not be able to apply again.

This in spades.

If your roles were reversed I absolutely guarantee your DH would expect you to leave at 5 on the days you needed to do pick up. Regardless of whether it was “the done thing” or not.

Oldest won’t be 3 until next summer. 2 under 2 (not intentionally!) has a lot to answer for… until funding comes in the nursery would be about an extra £200 a month, which will be a struggle particularly going into the winter with higher heating bills etc. and that’s if we even got a place. Suggested if to DH and he seemed more open to the idea of moving them, but the more I think about it I just think what a shame particularly when my oldest seems quite settled

Do you have a spare room? I think an au pair would be an ideal solution for you.

I am the shift worker in my family. I'm a nurse covering a 24/7 service starting at day shift starts at 7:30am and finishes 20:30.
I work 30 hours and my husbands work has to be the one that is flexible.
It couldn't work any other way. If I was full time and his work was inflexible.
So on my days at work, he starts later and finishes earlier (he has to as they both need to eat tea etc) we have childcare for 1 (maximum 2) days per week and if I work a weekend then no childcare needed.
Our daughter is in school now and it is more tricky with start times (he also has developed epilepsy so can't drive) but what I am saying is.....he needs to put his foot down or look for something else!

What do you mean, ‘the culture outside his employment contract’?
DH has never had a contract which specified hours.,At 5pm he was just as likely to be on a plane to China or in a meeting in London as he was to be in a position to pick up children.
Putting his foot down would not have ended well.
Not much point looking for another ‘job’ as it would be the same set up. A nanny or a different nursery would be the answer .