To not understand this , dp is leaving me

[justhataye]

Hi everyone

It's 4am I am tired and livid

Our poor baby who has the cold atm woke up during the night screaming , dp was trying to soothe baby whilst I went downstairs to get baby his medicine & some water etc for him, when I had came upstairs dp was frustrated as baby wouldn't settle & dp raised his voice at me about how I was taking my time downstairs I replied "I don't know who you're speaking to like that lower your voice towards me" his reply was "I'm fed up of the way you speak to me I'm done with you I'm leaving in the morning" which I replied "why are you waiting till the morning? You have a car outside, go now"

He is now sobbing asking why I didn't beg for him and treating me as if I caused this whole situation.

I am sorry but if you don't want to be with me I will walk you to the door . I don't beg , absolutely not.

Am In the wrong here? He's seriously making me feel as if I am.

He wanted reassurance that you still care about him. Well done for being truthful and hammering in the message you only needed him as a sperm donor.

Sounds like the husband has found mumsnet. Lol.

The first year of my Dc life absolutely battered my otherwise happy marriage. Have a chat about it and move on.

Your partner absolutely cannot do this. Show him this post. However stressful life is, threatening to leave is the most horrible and dangerous thing you can do to a person.
My ex husband often threatened to leave, I really loved him and each time he did this my world fell apart to the point I once made a serious attempt at suicide and almost made it. When I looked at the note I wrote a year later it was all over the place like my head.
The last time he said it I told him to go and never come back and refused to see or speak to him ever again or have him back, got psychiatric help and got on with my life.
Nobody is ever going to put me through that again.
A grown man and father does not threaten to leave. He discusses things calmly. Don't put up with this again.

Advice echoed.

Lack of sleep does horrible things to people. There's a reason it's a form of torture!

He wanted her to 'beg'. And cried because she hadn't.

OP handled it like a champ. She begs no one and I don't blame her. Neither would I.

An exhausted moment of stress needn't be a dealbreaker. A crying baby and broken sleep puts stress on the best of relationships. But threatening to leave is a low form of emotional blackmail. OP has just taught him that this won't work and absolutely rightly, too.

In a calmer moment I might be inclined to inform him that if he continues playing stupid games then one day he might win the corresponding prize.

Very unsympathetic responses here. If it were a mum who threatened to leave and then burst into irrational sobs, we’d all be clucking and sympathising and talking about PND.

Give each other a break, you’re in the trenches right now.

I think a little consideration is required here. Its obvious that it is a difficult time for you both and whilst I fully understand how hard his comments were to swallow and I would have replied similarly myself, I think it sounds like your partner is not coping with the transition to parenthood too well - its not just women that get PND.

It’s quite common for new parents to face emotional challenges, and it’s great that you’re seeking support for your husband. Encourage him to talk about his feelings and support him, sometimes all attention focuses on the mother and child and they feel left out. Make sure he feels involved in caring for the baby.

It’s important to remember that adjusting to a new baby is a big change for both parents, and it’s okay to seek help when needed.

He was massively unreasonable, you acted perfectly reasonably.

However sleep deprivation with a baby does funny things to us all.

I suggest a serious chat when you're both feeling a bit less sleep deprived, would be a good idea. I'd hope he'd apologise for being an idiot.

Absolutely this.

have you got anyone you can call on for some help? You both sound utterly exhausted and like you could do with a night off to go talk stuff through.

exactly -

Agree with this

My xh was like this. Last time I bothered to wake him in the night to "help" I was in labour with our 2nd and it had been agreed that when I asked he would wake up and fill the birthing pool. He got up, rolled it into the middle of the floor and went back to sleep.
Any time I woke him in the night because I needed a second person to look after our first baby he would always start and argument.
I stopped bothering, but of course I was then at fault for excluding and alienating him from his children's lives.

It's 4am with a newborn. Christ knows I said some ungenerous things in the throes of sleep deprivation with a baby screaming. Talk it over another time, but I wouldn't take anything said in that kind of situation as actually what anyone wants.

It's true in many cases, though.

Middle of the night and a crying baby is hard.
Spell it out to him not to make threats that he will not follow through on, nor gets to shout at you.
His crying is worrying.
Is he unstable?

I hope the baby is better, you both get some sleep and things calm down.

You are not wrong not to accept poor treatment.

That’s true and some allowances need to be made. But there’s a big difference between: “I’m pissed off and sleep deprived,” and “I am leaving you because you didn’t beg me for forgiveness.

The first is understandable short temper
The second is bullying and emotional blackmail.

Tolerating the second will be the thin end of a wedge and communicates that it will be tolerated again and again.

This.

Unless your marriage is a mess, then some kindness and forgiveness towards each other is the best way forward. Sleep deprivation can break people.

Nobody should be trying to have any kind of rational conversation at 4am while dealing with a screaming baby.

He probably shouldn't have threatened to leave, you probably could have been a bit more sympathetic but nothing you describe means it has to be a disaster 🥰

Never give meaning to anything anyone says at 4am.

This but the fact that he went straight to 'I'm leaving you' and then turned on the waterworks when OP didn't beg to keep the manchild in her life when she already has one kid to deal with is very telling.

How people behave in difficult circumstances is the measure of them and if this gets up OPs nose, I can't say I blame her.

The first year can be so so tough, especially when they are poorly. My DS1 wasn't too bad, but DD2 has almost broken us. She only wants me, and I've felt like walking out many times when I've had to be sat holding her most of the night. It's so suffocating especially when you're desperate for sleep.

My husband and I say that we feel more like work colleagues and most of the time rub along pretty well but when work stress or illness come in the mix, sometimes it can be too much.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that we seem to just have our head down and plough through the difficult periods, and we know that the same person will come out again on the other side. We are off out for our first dinner date in 2 years tonight so hopefully this marks the start of husband and wife again rather than Mum and Dad.

What sexist self-fulfilling claptrap.

I would have chucked him out just for 'sobbing'

You say things you don't mean when you're stressed and sleep deprived, that's why as mentioned sleep deprivation is a recognised form of torture. Blowing up your lives (all three of you) and denying your baby the chance to grow up in a two parent household because of one remark at 4am with a newborn is highly irresponsible and I think you're being petty and ridiculous for even considering it. If it were a pattern of abusive behaviour I would think differently, but you really need to get a grip if it's one thing.