To not understand this , dp is leaving me

[justhataye]

Hi everyone

It's 4am I am tired and livid

Our poor baby who has the cold atm woke up during the night screaming , dp was trying to soothe baby whilst I went downstairs to get baby his medicine & some water etc for him, when I had came upstairs dp was frustrated as baby wouldn't settle & dp raised his voice at me about how I was taking my time downstairs I replied "I don't know who you're speaking to like that lower your voice towards me" his reply was "I'm fed up of the way you speak to me I'm done with you I'm leaving in the morning" which I replied "why are you waiting till the morning? You have a car outside, go now"

He is now sobbing asking why I didn't beg for him and treating me as if I caused this whole situation.

I am sorry but if you don't want to be with me I will walk you to the door . I don't beg , absolutely not.

Am In the wrong here? He's seriously making me feel as if I am.

Spot on.

Agreed.

You have good boundaries no problem there but honestly babies can test the patience of saints.

My dh and i are incredibly compatible and i think were had approx 8 arguments total in 5 years pre children... we can do that by dinner time some days now (2yr old and newish baby) 🤣

Kids are like a bomb going off - he took a while to get into the groove, everyone was tired and i was resentful because i stupidly assumed we would be different at it would be easy and everything would be 50/50.

My mum told me almost all sensible women think about divorce at least once after a baby...🤣
That doesnt mean tolerating anything, but knowing its a phase helps you be nicer to each other.

Its suchhhh a stressful time but it does pass. We found no 2 way easier but most of the first year with my eldest was hard going.

And +1 to @DogsAtDawns post. As a one off id let it go, but this annoucing he is leaving cant become a regular thing.

As others have said, an unwell baby and lack of sleep will be stressful. I had similar arguments in the middle of the night when mine were babies. We are stronger than ever now. Neither of us meant it but we were so tired and stressed. Have a chat once you're both a bit rested. Hope your bubba gets better soon.

You’re both sleep deprived, talk about it when you’ve had some kip.

"why are you waiting till the morning? You have a car outside, go now"

Here is your crown 👑 wear it with pride 😁

@justhataye FFS you both owe each other an apology.

He was rude and snappy, your response was absolutely awful.

You have a baby, it was 4am and you were both tired. The two of you need to improve your communication.

Why do some people see infantile behaviour and try and go a peg lower to get attention?

Babies are testing. We used to have a rule that the slate would be wiped clean in the morning for anything arsey we said between midnight and 6am. Sleep deprivation doesn’t tend to bring out the best in people.

This.

When ours were little, DH and I had a rule that anything said in stressful middle of the night situations when we were lacking sleep was to be disregarded and forgotten by the morning.

Wait until you’ve both slept, and then discuss things, sensibly and rationally. Screaming babies, and lack of sleep, bring out the worst in all of us. 🤷‍♀️

It was more than rude and snappy.

He was rude and aggressive, and when called out on it, escalated to bullying and threatening, and when called out on that, switched to histrionic and manipulative.

Her response called him out on his behaviours and nipped all those tactics in the bud.

I agree with this

I think his initial comment was inappropriate but that you both escalated the conversation from there. Not surprising given it was 4am in the morning with a sick baby. My partner and I have both said stupid things to each other in the midst of newborn parenting but I’m glad we didn’t make any rash decisions about our relationship in that first year.

Regarding the fake threats to leave - it could be manipulation or he could just lack the skills to discuss that he’s feeling insecure in the relationship eg maybe due to big changes around having a new baby. I would try and speak at a time when you’re better rested with no crying baby around.

Go back to sleep. Both of you.

It depends on how you feel about him in general really OP.

If this is just more of a load of crap from him, no wonder you responded to him that way and see this as the final straw. If he is normally lovely and this has come out of the blue, well at least from your response, he knows you won't take shit when you are at your lowest point eh?

I think the people calling the DH a baby for crying are being really unkind. Not excusing his behaviour, but having a small, crying-in-the-middle-of-the-night baby is honestly the worst. I cried for anything and nothing in those early days, just through sheer tiredness and stress. Men are allowed to feel tired and stressed too.

In terms of what he said initially about you taking too long - my DH was supposed to get home from work at 5.30 when mine were babies and if he was even 5 minutes late, I used to feel the rage rising. Completely unreasonable, obviously, but that's what sleep deprivation can do to you. It can make you say and do things that in the clear light of day you know are unreasonable.

Obviously he shouldn't have threatened to leave, that was a dick move. But no one here is to know how the 2 of you talk to each other normally. If you are generally both in a good place (crying baby aside), I would really just have a chat about it in the morning when you're both a bit calmer, or even see if you could get a babysitter for a couple of hours, go out for a drink and have a proper chat.

Except demanding someone flounce off at 4am is slightly abusive.

I agree it's the situation not the husband leaving (or not) that's the issue.I was a single parent though. No one to argue with about crap like this. So much easier.

Sleep deprivation is a form of torture and brings out the worst in people. You handled it perfectly though - never beg someone to stay with you. And well done for calling him on this manipulative shit straight away. He'll think twice about that in future! In the cold light of day does he really think you'd deliberately take your time getting medicine for your sick baby? He owes you a huge apology.

DH and I had one of those rows once when our DS was a baby - I remember because he stormed downstairs and put the telly on and it was the morning Princess Diana died. Put things into perspective a bit.

If it's a one off born out of tiredness and stress, then your relationship can recover. If he's a dick generally, then you are better off without him.

No good ever came out of a 3am-baby-awake-and-screaming conversation.

"Except demanding someone to flounce off is slightly abusive."

Total rubbish! It's calling their bluff and refusing to bow to threats and manipulation.

Yeah he was the who was first threatening to flounce off in the morning or whenever.

And he more or less admitted it was attempted manipulation when he started crying about how she didn’t beg for him.

I know he's acting like a child but having a baby and sleepless nights really takes it out on most of us! Me and DH have had alot of arguments in middle of the night where we both exhausted and even I have acted childish...
We always apologise to each other the next day. Unless there's alot more issues in the relationship then you just got to work through it and communicate. Raising children is hard and very testing of most relationships.

I think you could both do with taking a breath and being a bit more loving and a lot less unkind. You are parents now not squabbling children.

No need to be combative? He threatened to leave her at 4am. He's a man child.

I do agree though that 4am with a sick baby doesn't bring out the best in people. But no way should you be begging him not to leave. He said those words and can apologise like an adult if he didn't mean them.

He is now sobbing asking why I didn't beg for him and treating me as if I caused this whole situation.

Well, you probably didn't beg because you know he's (normally) a rational, competent adult who is in a relationship with you because he loves you and has chosen to make a life and start a family with you. Then, all of a sudden, he tells you that he's fed up and wants to leave? You'd probably be very sad to hear that, and very shocked - but why would you beg him to stay if he wants to go? If he really did want to go, it would be his choice and you'd have to respect it.

Definitely discuss the whole thing when you're (both) not overtired or distracted (ha ha I know - not often easy with a small baby!) even if that means tonight or even tomorrow. If he really has an ongoing issue about how you speak to him, and/or if he's really been thinking about leaving, this wasn't the best time for it to come to a head but it does need to be discussed.

It also sounds like he was - possibly? - uncomfortable being alone with the baby while s/he was in distress. I think a lot of times mothers kind of "naturally" take on a lot of the baby care in the early weeks just because of the physical closeness (giving birth, breastfeeding, etc.) so the dads may not have as much of chance to get as familiar right away, but he does need to get comfortable at some point.