To not understand this , dp is leaving me

[justhataye]

Hi everyone

It's 4am I am tired and livid

Our poor baby who has the cold atm woke up during the night screaming , dp was trying to soothe baby whilst I went downstairs to get baby his medicine & some water etc for him, when I had came upstairs dp was frustrated as baby wouldn't settle & dp raised his voice at me about how I was taking my time downstairs I replied "I don't know who you're speaking to like that lower your voice towards me" his reply was "I'm fed up of the way you speak to me I'm done with you I'm leaving in the morning" which I replied "why are you waiting till the morning? You have a car outside, go now"

He is now sobbing asking why I didn't beg for him and treating me as if I caused this whole situation.

I am sorry but if you don't want to be with me I will walk you to the door . I don't beg , absolutely not.

Am In the wrong here? He's seriously making me feel as if I am.

How is his behaviour normally?

If this is a pattern, kick him out

Agree.
Ill baby, 4am.
Talk about it later, calmly, when more refreshed.

Good for you. As if you have time to ‘fight’ for your needy arse of a husband at 4am. Screaming babies are hard enough without having to give attention to screaming men. That said, the early days of a baby are not easy. Hopefully he realised he’s pushed you too far and will step up. At least he won’t throw all his toys out of the pram again.

I'd ask him today why he feels the need to shout and threaten to leave?

If he's unhappy no he shouldn't stay but is that the case or is he saying it to get you to make him feel better because your scared he's leaving?!

Good for you for sticking up for yourself op!!

This! Instead of automatically showing him the door basically dropping him like a hot potato- you can communicate calmly and ask “where is this coming from?” Try to be understanding and discuss. Maybe he just needs some love and attention too - we are all human no need to be combative. Good luck

Get some sleep. All of you, get some sleep, even if it takes a week or two until you feel like you’ve had proper sleep. Do not make decisions about your future in this kind of state.

I try and forget/ ignore stuff said in the middle of the night over crying babies. I told my husband to F- off once when I would never ever talk to him like that normally. He was trying to tell me what it was best to do at maybe 2am after I had been up for a long time with the crying baby. Saying that, talk of leaving is never helpful. You should both apologise (him more) and have a chat about tolerance in these circumstances but also how it's not acceptable to throw around that extreme as an idle threat even when stressed.

It's a really stressful time for you both, OP. 4am is not a good time to make big life decisions, for anyone.

Unless there are serious issues in your relationship (e.g. abuse, gaslighting, manipulation or constant shouting and arguing) - remember that you have a newborn and that is one of the most stressful times in any relationship.

If you were happy together before the baby came then you are likely just in a very stressful period which will pass.

Sleep on it and talk when you are both feeling more refreshed.

He sounds petulant and manipulative. Let him go: you will be better off without him.

You did nothing wrong. There are certain people who always threaten to leave (insert person, place, job etc) not because they want to leave but because they want other people to validate them by begging them to stay. It is always a pathetic thing to do.

This!

Trust me there will be so many many pressure points raising a child and regardless of whether you do it together or not you need to be non combative.

You did nothing wrong he sounds a right wet lettuce.

I'm pretty sure I've snapped at DH in the middle of the night with a sick baby. I've always apologised later but my goodness, ill children and no sleep can make people say things they don't mean.

I actually think it can be more than this, not seeking validation but manipulation. Hoping that they are threatening something so scary that you'll stop what behaviour you were doing they don't like (in this case standing up for yourself). You shocked him because you've shown him your self respect is worth more than your relationship - and good for you!

If he is not normally like this, I would wait till things have calmed down and point out that a) it's not on to shout at you just because he's tired, and b) it is outrageous that he would use leaving you as a threat in an argument.

He is now sobbing asking why I didn't beg for him and treating me as if I caused this whole situation.

What’s his mental health and emotional maturity like generally? Is this typical of him or is this just the effects of sleep deprivation?
Seems quite unusual.

I hope he apologises for it all later and you can smooth things out and have a serious discussion which will include both of you agreeing that throwing around the threat of walking out isn’t acceptable.

Especially when it’s evidently just been said in an effort to make the other person beg which is both cruel and childish 😐

You didn't do anything wrong.

Your dp behaved like a petulant child, threatening to leave because he had to sit with a screaming baby for two minutes while you fetched water and medicine.

He tried to threaten you, make you feel insecure and guilty, and you called his bluff.

He needs to grow up and accept that now you have a child he needs to act like a mature adult, a parent, instead of having a tantrum. If he goes straight to threatening to leave every time the baby cries, your relationship won't last the year.

Well done for calling him out.

dp raised his voice at me about how I was taking my time downstairs I replied "I don't know who you're speaking to like that lower your voice towards me" his reply was "I'm fed up of the way you speak to me I'm done with you I'm leaving in the morning

And this is classic DARVO btw. Things escalated due to how he spoke to you and he turned it around on you when you merely insisted on respect.

Of course if he has genuine concerns with the way you speak to him generally that can be addressed when you’ve both had some sleep, but the way he’s brought it up in that moment where you’ve criticised how he speaks make it look like he’s just trying to reverse things as a deflection tactic.

You have a new very young baby. After 3, I can tell you this can be a very stressful time and I’d highly advise against doing anything to sudden. Just agree to do better after acknowledging how tough it’s been and how mean you’ve both been and perhaps make a joke to break the tension in the future? Very sorry you’re dealing with this. Deep breaths x

Except genuine issues will flair up in the moment. .

Maybe there issues in the way the OP speaks to him.

when I had came upstairs dp was frustrated as baby wouldn't settle & dp raised his voice at me about how I was taking my time downstairs I replied "I don't know who you're speaking to like that lower your voice towards me" his reply was "I'm fed up of the way you speak to me I'm done with you I'm leaving in the morning" which I replied "why are you waiting till the morning? You have a car outside, go now"

This is two stressed and knackered people, both escalating a pointless row at 4am.

I think you need to assess the relationship more calmly.

He is now sobbing asking why I didn't beg for him and treating me as if I caused this whole situation.

Pathetic.

I couldn’t come back from that to be honest. I would have so much contempt after that and I wouldn’t be able to have sex with him even again. Sleep deprivation or no sleep deprivation you reduce yourself terminally if you beg.

All of this. He sounds like a child, too. Remind him that he isn't.

Yeah I get genuine issue do flare up and come out in the moment but it’s a bit suss that when she called him out for how he talks to her was when he chose to say he was sick of the way she spoke to him.

By doing that he deflected from acknowledging he had messed up in this moment in the way he spoke to her.

And if he is implying OP saying “lower your tone” when he’s raised his voice at her , is an example of her speaking to him badly that’s a red flag in itself.

But yes as I said if he does have actual proper examples of Op speaking poorly to him, they do need to have a discussion as to how they both communicate with each other. I appreciate there’s two sides to every story.

They need to have a discussion anyway.

I feel sorry for the baby to be honest. I think you both need to sort out how you speak to each other going forwards.