To be jealous of second pregnancies

[ThisPeachSnake]

It isn't a good look to be jealous, I know, but I just don't understand how people afford two children under school age!
It's the childcare costs for us, already pay £1400 full time, and that's with the 15 hours! (We were paying £1800 before).
How do people afford to pay that, twice? I really do want another child, but feel old for such an age gap to wait until my first is in school.
When I see mums at the nursery who are expecting their second, it upsets me no end.

I am on a decent wage, and so is my partner (around 5k combined pcm).

I just don't get it!!! Probably sounding like a spoilt child but upsetting so needed to get it out!

Wow where do you live that you can be earning that but it's not enough?

I'm pregnant with my second, my daughter is 3 so we have some "free" hours maybe that's how others manage

I often wonder how my peers are living in bigger houses and driving much nicer cars than me yet also have young children. I can only conclude that somehow they just have more money 🤷🏻‍♀️

I have 2 children and I'm a sahm but dh doesn't earn as much as you so our lives are completely different to yours. If you want 2 you make it work. My friend has less money than us and is pregnant with her 4th

When mine were little we both worked shifts around each other so didn't pay for child care don't assume everyone is well off ,it was exhausting though.

Live somewhere a lot smaller than we'd like - could you move somewhere cheaper? My thinking was that can always earn more/get a bigger place later, but have a small window to have a second baby.
The other thing to think about is that by the time you have a second one you'll be on the 30hrs free. Childminders can be cheaper than nurseries too or even getting a nanny (!).
Sending sympathy feel like cost of living having such an impact. It's such an unfair situation

If you had another one, your first would be at home with you while you were on maternity leave (so no childcare costs then). Then maybe one year of two nursery fees before your oldest starts school, during which time your oldest will get the 30 free hours.

How much is your rent/mortgage OP? £1400 does feel very high for 15 free hours, when do 30 kick in for you?

5k combined per month isn't a huge income if that is before tax - it depends where you live.

If you were paying £1,800 pcm for one child in nursery from your post tax salary you can probably afford to largely stop work for the worst 2-3 years rather than pay the childcare for two. Have you considered working some different part time hours or swapping to do a bit of weekend work in a shop or cafe when your DH can be home, to make ends meet?

Definitely thinking of moving but buying a house with childcare costs factored into a mortgage is a separate rage in itself!

Feel stupid I did things the wrong way round and didn't buy a house before kid(s).

We needed to wait till the 30 hours at three years then waited a bit longer for various reasons. A bigger age gap has its benefits too. When your oldest is at school and the people you are jealous of now have two school kids you'll be doing pick-up with a bump or baby and they might be jealous then! It was lovely having the school day to go to baby massage and cafés without a toddler.

Sahm so no childcare fees.

Our rent is 1500 (London, I know we need to move but honestly it's overwhelming!)

For some reason, 30 hours for a 3 year old at this nursery is still 1427. Which makes no sense to me at all!!

Due to age didn't really have much of a choice and were paying to go to work for a while (DP changed career and started on a really low salary) but luckily had just enough savings to get by

I was jealous but for very different reasons. I had infertility that meant a second child was not possible…. until I fell pregnant with a 9 year age gap.

Lovely way to look at it! Thanks!
I keep reminding myself that 32 isn't old... lol! I have real anxieties around fertility though so it's a lot!

Bigger age gap. We have only had to pay for two months of both lots of nursery fees, I reduced down the number of days at nursery for DS whilst on mat leave. But it means we are stuck now doing holidays during peak season

5k is after tax. Maybe I'm just rubbish with money!
I'm in a career where it's tricky to stop work for 2/3 years as it would set me back (I'd need to do unpaid work to get back on the professional register) but potentially part time could work..!

We waited for a bit, then had some losses. Anyway, we have just under a 5 year age gap between our two and it is actually really lovely. Also, a bit older having kids (34, and 39). Childcare costs are more manageable.

I think you’re probably just more responsible than many parents who likely just get pregnant without thinking about whether they can actually afford it. Whenever you ask in the ‘larger families’ thread how they’re affording to have 5+ children they’ll largely ignore the question or admit that they’re not working. There appears to be this entitlement that one should be able to have as many kids as they like and affordability shouldn’t be a factor. Then complain when the state doesn’t step up to cover all the costs. I think you’re quite right to think about whether you can provide for your kids before having them.

I know lots who space out their kids to ensure only oke set of nursery fees at a time although realistically wrap around care and summer holiday clubs for 2 are also a killer so it’s not like the childcare costs stop when they start school.

I've got 3 under 4, and live in London. First, you won't need nursery when on mat leave. Second, if you get pregnant today, then by the time the baby is born they will be eligible for 30 hours (as will your older one, if not already in school), by the time you return from mat leave. Thirdly, you can use a babysitter which is much cheaper with three. Mine are three days a week at nursery, term time only, so I don't pay masses for child care to nursery because of the subsidy. I then pay for a babysitter via an agency on two days a week, plus more days outside of term time (I'm not a teacher, but get very generous annual leave). For me, having kids close together was easier in every sense, and the nursery costs are short term. It's minor in the scheme of things, but most nurseries, and other child care settings afterwards, give siblings discounts too.
Go get pregnant!

We are in London with two kids. Our bill for FT for the eldest after 30hrs funding is applied is £800 so I'd def query your bill or look at whether you have any nearby alternatives as that sounds very high. Our bill was £1700 before the 30hrs kicked in.

@Saschka most of my friends are having to keep the eldest in nursery during mat leave for the second child because waiting lists in London are so long that if you withdrew them, you wouldn't get your place back once mat leave ended. It's really frustrating.

I had my first at 30 and second at 35, due to birth trauma after my first. The age gap is really great. First was at school when second arrived and it was like having a second mat leave.

I empathise with you as now my husband is done but I want another baby and I am jealous of those with 3!

If your eldest is already 3, then 9 months pregnancy plus 9-12 months mat leave means that you won't need 2 in full time nursery even if you started trying now and fell pregnant on your first try.

You only need an age gap of around 3 years ish (depending on exact birthdays and mat leave length) to avoid double nursery fees, which is a fairly standard and gap, no?

We left London & moved to Scotland before having our second. Live in a rural village about 35 mins from the nearest city, and 3 days a week nursery for DC2 costs £470 a month. We also bought a small house which was well below our affordability so now we have scope to save up for a “proper” family house, and possibly go for baby number 3. I know leaving London isn’t an option for everyone, and we got really lucky with jobs, but there’s no chance we could have afforded our current life if we hadn’t, so for me it was worth making the leap.

@Sunnyshoeshine I also kept my kids in nursery due to waiting lists (and for my sanity) but reduced the days they went in and went term time only to reduce costs massively. Then when I went back to work I upped the days again, but for me term time only made sense so stuck with that.

Thanks, just to ask: is your funding spread across the year, or £800 for term time only?