Expecting to be met at Arrivals

[FarFarWay]

(OK, this a while ago - but |I have never cleared it up in my mind; I need other opinions.)

Travelling with an 8 year old, to meet people who I don't really know (even though technically family), and who the child has never met.

Two flights (one upgraded, the other downgraded, by comparison; no spare time in the airport in Japan, just a mad dash to find the plane!), about 22 hours in the air total, plus the travel down to Heathrow/check-in etc. (Also a week before Christmas). Almost the only child on the flight, and even though a "special meal", most of it was not to her liking - not fussy but never eaten sushi etc. So she was a bit hungry and tired when we landed.

The people we were to be staying with lived approx 40 minutes away.
Not only did a carful of people who my eight year old had never met, EVENTUALLY turn up - but we had to sit and wait for them to get there.

Before anyone says "Let it go....". The main player of that group has recently brought up the trip, and what a (not-quite-but almost-) disaster it was - but the then eight-year-old has never seen these (important, arguably) people ever again, and this is now being held against her by the main player.

Despite appearances, I am not a grudge holder but, in my over-thinking way, I have actually tried to figure out the actual science of this flight and how much time was needed for them to be there to greet us. And I am a bit pissed at the "they", as the delay was blamed on the wife element doing her hair, when she really did not need to come as well, as it made the whole thing into a bigger deal, when we - and especially my daughter - would have really appreciated it being casual and low key - let alone there actually be someone - anyone - present, when we came through the Arrival doors to ---- [crickets].

By my (bad) calculations, they didn't even set off until we landed.... but due to the time-travel aspect of hours behind/ahead, am I getting it wrong?

(PS - on the one hand, this light-hearted, but on the other - as I said, she has never seen them again, and so sometimes, it seems like it happened yesterday.)

Look, your Dad sounds like an absolute prick but you knew that right? Why then would you agree to take your child all that way, away from her own Dad, to spend Christmas with someone who you know is indifferent to you?
Chalk it up to experience, tell your Dad exactly what you think of him and stop making an effort to have a relationship with someone who couldn't give two shits about you.
Next time take snacks on a long journey.

Me too.
Absolutely no idea.

It’s as clear as mud, actually.

You need to let this go. I regularly visit and receive family from abroad. With all best intentions sometimes you don’t make the arrivals gate for when they come out (sometimes you are there waiting ages while they clear security etc). This is really, months later, not worth dwelling on at all. You went to visit relatives and they collected you from the airport, having made an effort to turn up well dressed to welcome you. Instead of being insulted they were late, you could focus on the effort that was made. Whatever your issues with these people, this should not be one.

They were 18 and 17. We could have met them at their home, surely

I’m not sure if your anger is about the lack of one seat for your DD i.e. one of them should have stayed home (definitely justified) or you just don’t think additional people should go to airport pick ups providing there IS room (which is absolutely bonkers). Mine are all over that age, and again, if people are home when I or DH make trips like this, sometimes 1 or more will want to come simply because (again) the shit ride to the airport seems more excited than doomscrolling if they have nothing on and want a change of scenery from inside the house. How hard is that to understand? The bonus is we then make them wrestle the luggage into the car as we don’t want to do it🤣. Obviously though, we’d NEVER take a full car that meant not enough seats for the people we are picking up because (again) that’s insane. Little chance of that though as we do have a larger people carrier available given so many of us, and I can’t imagine a time when everyone would be home, and all those home would be bored enough to go!

Just on the point of being met at arrivals....not unreasonable to be annoyed at being made to wait.

We travel to Australia to see my In Laws and they travel to see us in the UK regularly. Someone is always waiting at the airport at arrivals no matter the time. Its only common courtesy after 24 hours travelling to visit each other. Time of day depends how many of us go - last one was 5am arrival so only my DH went. Day times we usually all go and take 2 cars. We are going to Australia in Oct - my MIL and FIL will be at arrivals waiting for us. My SIL and BIL might be there depending on work etc.

Good grief !

you have made a mountain out of a molehill !!!

Was it really a surprise that the airline served sushi on the flight from Japan to NZ ?

and you chose not to eat in McDonalds in NZ as that is not the type of food we eat - gosh surely at least having fries and fishfingers would have helped your starving daughter ?!!!!

and as for the family not arriving until you had been through luggage and passports - did you really expect them to pay for 4 hours of parking just to sit around and wait for you ?

and you are still festering on this 8 months ( or even more ?!!! ) later

Ok, but that wasn’t in your OP. You said ‘meet people who I don't really know (even though technically family), and who the child has never met.’

I am often batting away requests from people to pick them up from Heathrow and put them up for a few nights, so I jumped in with my experience.

It’s good they met you at the airport, I would focus on that. It’s not their fault your dd doesn’t like sushi or McDonalds. What child doesn’t like McDonalds?!

That’s rather immature. Your post is long winded (another one, why are there so many on MN?). I started off reading it then gradually found myself just scanning, probably others did too.

This. A short wait at Arrivals would not be an issue was there not a huuuge backstory. Having a chip on your shoulder about ‘wife elements’ etc only hurts you - your dad is clearly a dick and you already know that. Your hurt and anger is about him, maybe speak to someone about it? He’s not going to change.

After reading all of your updates OP, honestly, you'd be better off with no relationship with your father. He doesn't sound like he adds anything to your life. I'm still not sure why they seem to think your daughter is to blame for anything, but anyway...
presumably this all happened years ago so if she's an adult now it's up to her if she wants a relationship with her grandparents or not.

I think how long ago it was is important. If 15 years as suggested by a PP then a colouring book and a skipping rope would be seen as appropriate for an 8 year old. The overconsumerism we have now hadn't taken off. And jamming loads of people in a car probably more the norm than it is now. Car seats for up to 7 year olds only became required in new Zealand in 2013 and still not required over 7.

Not sure why this has gone to 7 pages for such a non event🤔Only read the first couple of replies to the OP, which in itself was waffle and not very clear.

he doesn’t sound particularly nice OP. The distance is a good thing, keep it and don’t let his negative voice put you down.

I’m not sure why people persist in replying and saying the OP is not being clear. I agree the story wasn’t clear from the original post but I think you can gather enough context to see what’s going on. Not necessary to keep harping on about it.

OP, I’ve just read your update. It sounds like your relationship with your father might never be what you want him to be and you need to find a way to come to terms with it. Focusing on a single incident from years ago is just a distraction and posting on mumsnet about it is not going to make you feel better.

Tricky parental relationships can be devastating - I really do recommend therapy to help you work through. Hope you can find some peace.

i agree

I forget who asked, but anyway, yes! New Zealand - as much as we saw - was lovely!
But I had no money left really, and even though he hd said they would show us the sights etc. my father was still working, and his wife didn't really have spare time.
We went across the Bay to Mount Rangitoto and to a Gannet colony, and also up the Sky Tower and to the Aquarium. Also to Auckland Zoo and a drive out to Goat Island. Most of this was with one or both of the brothers though.
We also - being the Christmas period - went to a fancy dinner in the city on NYE, However, children were not included, and my Father had forgotten this small detail.
She spent the night at my brother's girlfriend's family house in the countryside, and after that, we were able to spend a lot of time on their small farm, which was relief for my Father and his wife, who really didn't want us to be there by this point, it was so obvious. I had no car, so borrowed one of his to get out to the farm, and he went crazy! (I didn't even take his best one...)

I agree. OP was as clear as mud.

Try shorter, less cluttered and oblique sentences, with fewer intrusive parentheses.

Would you have preferred fewer people come pick you up? Maybe they wanted to give you a warm welcome.

I get that they were late, that is not great.

I feel bad enough if I’ve offered to pick someone up at the station and I arrive after they do, even if I live with them and see them every day! I think it’s just basic politeness to be on time and waiting to welcome someone who is visiting after a long flight. It would just make me feel that they weren’t really bothered about, let alone looking forward to, seeing you and your dd.

@FarFarWay - I think @SequinBear has nailed it. Your updates make clear that your upset is about so much more than not being met at the airport. It’s about your father being an uncaring dick. I can see most people have voted AIBU. With the further context, they probably wouldn’t, but people don’t always read all the updates (I don’t always either).

It is really hard when parents don’t care enough. They are the people who should love us unconditionally; and they certainly should like us even if they don’t always like our behaviour.

I don’t speak from personal experience but I know my mum’s parents were emotionally very neglectful and she suffered a lot from that. They didn’t mean to be but they didn’t know how not to be - my maternal grandmother was actually really good at being a grandmother but not really cut out for motherhood.

Sounds like your dad perhaps wasn’t cut out for fatherhood or at least needed a lot of practice before he got it right. And my dad would ditch a partner who didn’t like me whereas your father seems to have no loyalty to you.

These are very wounding experiences and not organising themselves to be at the airport when you arrived after a very long journey probably just seemed indicative of a general lack of care, which continued throughout your stay.

OP made the mistake of positioning her situation as one thing (issues with collection at airport arrivals) when in fact it's about something else entirely (dysfunctional relationship with father and step-mother).

OP, you have my sympathy - it's not nice to have rubbish parents. Other posters have offered good advice on dealing with that.

I would not have worried about the ride being late.
It is not unusual for planes to be delayed and so waiting until they land is fine - it takes time to get through customs etc.

Your step-mother was wanting to look good for you and it is great that the teenagers were excited to come along.
What is wrong with colouring books?

It is along way; no wonder your memory is of being uncomfortable.

who said you could borrow his car?

And my goodness, that was the first, but not the worst.

I have not got enough energy to respond to all the posts that are being unkind and intolerant. At least this was short one, some are as long as my initial post, and even then, aren't nice. I don't see the point really.

Let alone, having to defend myself for being abrupt when I am being referred to as a "shit show".
Oh, if only people knew....