Expecting to be met at Arrivals

[FarFarWay]

(OK, this a while ago - but |I have never cleared it up in my mind; I need other opinions.)

Travelling with an 8 year old, to meet people who I don't really know (even though technically family), and who the child has never met.

Two flights (one upgraded, the other downgraded, by comparison; no spare time in the airport in Japan, just a mad dash to find the plane!), about 22 hours in the air total, plus the travel down to Heathrow/check-in etc. (Also a week before Christmas). Almost the only child on the flight, and even though a "special meal", most of it was not to her liking - not fussy but never eaten sushi etc. So she was a bit hungry and tired when we landed.

The people we were to be staying with lived approx 40 minutes away.
Not only did a carful of people who my eight year old had never met, EVENTUALLY turn up - but we had to sit and wait for them to get there.

Before anyone says "Let it go....". The main player of that group has recently brought up the trip, and what a (not-quite-but almost-) disaster it was - but the then eight-year-old has never seen these (important, arguably) people ever again, and this is now being held against her by the main player.

Despite appearances, I am not a grudge holder but, in my over-thinking way, I have actually tried to figure out the actual science of this flight and how much time was needed for them to be there to greet us. And I am a bit pissed at the "they", as the delay was blamed on the wife element doing her hair, when she really did not need to come as well, as it made the whole thing into a bigger deal, when we - and especially my daughter - would have really appreciated it being casual and low key - let alone there actually be someone - anyone - present, when we came through the Arrival doors to ---- [crickets].

By my (bad) calculations, they didn't even set off until we landed.... but due to the time-travel aspect of hours behind/ahead, am I getting it wrong?

(PS - on the one hand, this light-hearted, but on the other - as I said, she has never seen them again, and so sometimes, it seems like it happened yesterday.)

YABU for writing a totally unclear post with important information missing. I also don't get why its an issue NOW if neither you nor your DD have seen these people again

The wife told you your father is indifferent to you?! That is so callous. She sounds very cold and that's being kind really.

They were 18 and 17. We could have met them at their home, surely?

Yeah, I agree if you are an 1.5hrs or less from the airport. We are 2.5hrs from the airport and while we leave an hour before the updated estimated arrival time, we have a sneaky pull off we stop in that is 20mins from the airport and wait for the text that so and so has got through immigration…

i think there was a lot of miscommunication between you and your father about expectations of the trip. I suspect you think you might be a better communicator than you are and perhaps your father is the same.

I hope you can resolve this somehow OP. Families come with baggage and can be really frustrating. Hopefully you can move on and maintain loving relationships.

If you trawl through her other incomprehensible posts, it turns out that it was her dad who met them.

Okay, just seen the update that there were NOT enough seats in the car. That is bonkers. Common sense says they should have left one of the sons at home so your DD had a seat. I wouldn’t have had her on my lap, I would have explained she needed her own seat or you had to take alternative transport. Might not have been popular, but who cares, safety first.

Is it possible he thought that it was the right thing to do? A sort of welcome party? (All be it, late welcome party)

And if the whole family had stayed at home, they probably would've been told they were disinterested and hadn't made enough fuss that you had disembarked from your torturous journey.

Honestly OP you sound difficult.
Long haul flying with connections is tiring, yes but exactly how long did you wait before they got there? We live about an hour from a major airport and usually wait until someone has landed before setting off, by the time people have used the loo, got bags, got through border control it's usually at least 45 minutes and sometimes much much longer. If you'd wanted a quiet journey maybe decline the offer to be met and say you'd just meet then at their home, where they accommodated you and your daughter for the duration of your trip.

You sound like you are resentful that wife number three and the 'giant' boys get more of your dad's time and attention than you do/have. If that's the case maintain distance, but there's nothing you've written so far that's massively unreasonable.

Also if your daughter was that hungry she could've had something from McDonald's, DS doesn't like it either but they do fruit/veg bags and bottles of milk or orange juice. You also should've packed snacks and got her something to eat during the connection if she doesn't eat sushi. Although I think it's quite common for children to eat sushi these days, and she might've found she liked some of it

Love that you know this, I love random facts 😂

I am not a grudge holder

😂

This is about your relationship with your Father really, calling him "the main player" is very telling. What's the relationship been like?

In the words of frozen. Let it go.
The poison of this event only effects you, and you don't need it.
Instead laugh about how you all crammed into the car.
That those boys were excited to meet up, or would never have gone .

What did you like about down under?

What did you see?
Where did you visit?

I agree with what @Dery has been saying.

Op, I think this is partly such a tricky post and scenario for us to get our heads around because it's a tiny snapshot in time and all the context is missing.

You'll get a better discussion and advice if you post this on the Relationships board and put it something like the below (not because there are 'better' Mumsnetters over there, but because it's easier to get at what I think you're actually struggling with - your father being a dick)

E.g. "I really struggle with my relationship with my DF and feel he's been a poor father for all/most of my life. A few examples include: moving around the world and expecting me to visit (he's bought my tickets but expected me to reimburse him, even when I was a student); not welcoming me and DD enough when we'd spent a lot of money and time to travel from the UK to New Zealand to see him; not saying anything when his third wife told me he was 'indifferent' towards me'.....etc. "

You said this was a while ago OP, how long ago was it?

My head is feeling scrambled.

Op you need to let this go. You don't like your father, apparently he doesn't like you. Just detach.

Some families make a big deal of airport meet and greet and others don't. I think you just had mismatched expectations here so they thought a movie style all family greeting would be nice and you just wanted your father to pick you up on time.
The 40 mins late, they cleared just misjudged hair and your progress through airport. Annoying yes but not worth mulling over for years? Months? After

The rest of the holiday I don't understand what the issues are other than you thought they could have bought more for your DD? And the sushi .. well thats JAL for you but everything I've flown to from Japan they offer some kind of Japanese food but usually there's plenty of bits that are fine if you don't like sushi. Did you speak to cabin crew? They often will offer other stuff too, eg if they have a spare veggie meal or at least some snacks.

I think it just was a holiday that didn't work out for all concerned but it's not entirely clear why. Sorry OP I know you feel ypu have been clear but many of us are not reading it the way you've intended

I don't really understand why it matters that your daughter hadn't previously met the people who came to the airport. Why is that a problem?

@FarFarWay you’re getting a hard time here OP. Your post was easy and clear to understand by me, but then others like to make a mountain.

This is more about your relationship with your father and stepmother. Which is obviously strained.

You are not wrong to expect him to have been there, waiting, to collect you and his grandchild.

When I pick my boys up from the airport, I’ve tracked their flight and know what time to arrive. I would never expect them to wait around after a flight. And they don’t travel half way around the world!

Sorry this is still bothering you, but you may need some professional help to work out your relationship with your father.

Well, at risk of rambling.....
Of course it matters when there has been nothing or very little in the intervening years.
I really don't think it is easily understood how relationships - important relationships at that - can be damaged by lack of contact or communication, when something has gone wrong and never been repaired or replaced by kinder and better interactions. I have never had the chance to do that - and have tried. And my Father is the first to write to me and tell me how badly I behaved at some long ago event. It would make you laugh to read what he might say - but not in a good way. And always always puts a negative spin on anything I have done.
He keeps me anchored the past through his eyes, and I all I am able to do is defend myself, because the occasions we have spent to together have been so few and far between, and always fraught with tension for one reason or another. This trip was a perfect example.

Well this all sounds like a shit show.

i agree

I read it several times and I understand that you were expecting to be met at arrivals, were met at arrivals, had a hungry and tired child and somehow have never seen these people before or again?

I do not understand what you are asking though?

Yes, it’s thoughtless to be late if you’ve agreed to meet someone at arrivals. After a long flight most people are exhausted and not feeling social - they just want to get home and shower and the last thing they want to do is wait to be picked up. My family member who lives in Aus actually now stays at an airport hotel for a night when arriving to get herself together and reunited with everyone the next day when she’s feeling on form!

I also personally wouldn’t show up with a car load of people for that reason. But I can also see they might think a welcoming party would make you feel welcome!

But none of this is a big deal in the context of most close relationships - if someone was late to pick me up I would privately roll my eyes but then quickly forget it. Being late is something that happens - airport parking etc.!

Seems to me like you’re focusing on this because of an overall sense of dissatisfaction in the relationship. It’s easy to have something to put your finger on to be like “see, this is why I don’t like you! You prioritised doing your hair over my exhausted 8 year old’s wellbeing”. And if your belief is already that these people don’t care about you or prioritise your relationship then this is just another piece of evidence - “I came all this way and you couldn’t even be on time”.

I’m sorry your relationship isn’t what you hoped it would be and can see it must have been hurtful and a bit stressful to be anticipating a reunion/meeting and then you weren’t warmly met at arrivals.

@IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos tbh I don’t either but from the OPs replies to some people on this thread, she’s every bit a car crash as her post suggests.