Expecting to be met at Arrivals

[FarFarWay]

(OK, this a while ago - but |I have never cleared it up in my mind; I need other opinions.)

Travelling with an 8 year old, to meet people who I don't really know (even though technically family), and who the child has never met.

Two flights (one upgraded, the other downgraded, by comparison; no spare time in the airport in Japan, just a mad dash to find the plane!), about 22 hours in the air total, plus the travel down to Heathrow/check-in etc. (Also a week before Christmas). Almost the only child on the flight, and even though a "special meal", most of it was not to her liking - not fussy but never eaten sushi etc. So she was a bit hungry and tired when we landed.

The people we were to be staying with lived approx 40 minutes away.
Not only did a carful of people who my eight year old had never met, EVENTUALLY turn up - but we had to sit and wait for them to get there.

Before anyone says "Let it go....". The main player of that group has recently brought up the trip, and what a (not-quite-but almost-) disaster it was - but the then eight-year-old has never seen these (important, arguably) people ever again, and this is now being held against her by the main player.

Despite appearances, I am not a grudge holder but, in my over-thinking way, I have actually tried to figure out the actual science of this flight and how much time was needed for them to be there to greet us. And I am a bit pissed at the "they", as the delay was blamed on the wife element doing her hair, when she really did not need to come as well, as it made the whole thing into a bigger deal, when we - and especially my daughter - would have really appreciated it being casual and low key - let alone there actually be someone - anyone - present, when we came through the Arrival doors to ---- [crickets].

By my (bad) calculations, they didn't even set off until we landed.... but due to the time-travel aspect of hours behind/ahead, am I getting it wrong?

(PS - on the one hand, this light-hearted, but on the other - as I said, she has never seen them again, and so sometimes, it seems like it happened yesterday.)

Not wanting to eat in McDonald’s doesn’t make you a snob, and not wanting to eat sushi doesn’t mean you are uncultured.

It’s all just food

i dont think i would fancy mcdonalds either

I imagine like a tumbleweed moment, I 🤔

OP, what how old are your half brothers? You called them “giant sons” but I cannot get a feel for whether they are old enough to have been left home alone and are “giant” by virtue of being big strapping teens/adults?

Editing to add you have since referred to them as “the boys”

I love a batshit thread 😄

@FarFarWay - in summary, it sounds you and your DD made a very long trip (Auckland via Japan) and, in your view, your father and his family didn’t look after you well enough when you got there. The journey itself would have been tiring and presumably your DD and you also had to contend with quite serious jet lag for the first few days.

Reading between the lines, they seem to have expected more affectionate engagement from your DD and didn’t allow for the fact that she didn’t know them and only time can build a real relationship; she’s 8, not a baby, and knows whether or not she knows people.

There were things you could have done to make the journey/arrival easier: take snacks, buy something from McDonalds (chips even) etc, but you didn’t do them. And your communication style - here anyway - is somewhat unclear, abrupt and dismissive. If this is how you communicate in real life, that may in part have impacted on the quality of the visit.

But overall, it does sound like your father and stepmother could have treated you with more care and attention when you visited (the presents are underwhelming and a bit cheapskate for a DGD who is seeing them for only the second time in her life) and you’re not unreasonable to be annoyed. If they’re capable if pinning the blame for difficulties on an 8 yo, then they are clearly arseholes.

What airline did you fly? Most non UK ones would supply Asian food options. You flew 22 hours without taking snacks for her? What time of day did you land? Maybe they did not check the arrivals board until you were due to land. Tbh you sound resentful of his family and looking for reasons.

At risk of writing another post that cannot be understood, I shall attempt to make a couple of things clearer that have arisen in responses. Thank you though for at least one or who who really do seem to "get" it.

He is English, his wife is English. They had not officially emigrated, but lived in NZ on a business visa. (Not there now.)
I have known her a very long time (she is however wife #3); I don't think she is resentful about me or previous wives. But she has never liked me; the first visit I made to visit them (only to France on that occasion), she told me that my father was indifferent to me.
[which is true - until he feels differently]
The trip was planned well in advance - but even so I made some sacrifices to go (and also left my husband behind); he booked the tickets. I repaid him £1800 - even as a poor mature student at the time.
None of what happened is my daughter's fault. Before, during, or since.
He is renowned for created chasms of time in relationships when he makes no effort, and rebuffs any efforts made towards him. When people do not respond as he wishes, it becomes all their fault.
The boys should not have come in the car. It was not such a big deal; we were coming to their house. Ironically, we had the best parts of the trip with them, not "the olds".

And we had landed and were waiting at the airport before they even left the house. Bad manners if nothing else

Nope. No way do I leave home for airport pick ups until that plane is down and I get a text to say disembarking starting. And I live 1hr from the airport out of peak hour and god knows how many in peak hour. Too many things can go wrong. I drove round an airport 4hrs once after a plane had touched down on time but there was some issue that prevented disembarking. Never, ever again. Plus there is the usual getting off, going to loo, passing immigration/customs if international, collecting baggage from carousel, potential lost bags etc. People can go get a drink/soft drink and wait if all of that goes smoothly, but it rarely does in my experience. Kids running around are not my problem and if people are not happy with that they can get a cab or make their way otherwise.

Also, you can’t meet someone in arrivals if you drive alone. If you drive alone you need to circle and have them come out of arrivals. If you NEED to meet someone in arrivals (?) then you need more than one person if you don’t want to sell a kidney for parking.

As for the sushi, it’s expected an 8yo would have tried sushi. My kids are adults and all mine are sushi (although all had different likes/dislikes) way before 8yo. That’s over 20 years ago. We are not Japanese but it’s a very common food everywhere and has been for that amount of time. Taking it the plane was Japanese branded, if you don’t know your child eats Japanese food or not, do t make it a first make or break experience, take snacks to last the flights. Should do that anyway as kids are funny about food on planes at the best of times but will wolf down familiar snacks.

As for the ‘only a colouring book and skipping rope’ in preparation. Personally, I think that’s generous and was not to be expected. Did you not take anything for your child to do? That’s what people would expect. Anything else is a bonus.

If there was not enough room in the car, how did others get home? Maybe they were that bored at home they wanted a shit car outing to the airport. My kids are adults and occasionally I’ll get a taker(s) if they are home and THAT bored.

As far as the direct question of being met, I regularly meet people who are doing long haul. It would be reasonable to leave for the airport at the landing time, due to time taken to get through customs, etc. I do always try to arrive for landing though. I just prefer it that way.

I can understand them saying, "We have plenty of time, I'll just do my hair." Especially if they haven't met you on this kind of flight before, they may have over estimated how long it would take you to get through and be ready.

I'd give them a pass this time and ask them to be there a bit earlier next time. I know it's a bit hard after such a long flight to have to wait.

I'm still raging about being rushed out of our caravan on the final day because my friend unilaterally decided we should walk up a hill in the blazing sun before catching the ferry home. I had no time to grab my intended meal deal and had to eat crap ferry food. So trivial in the grand scheme but it ruined the trip for me and I've never done group travel since.

Mind you, I can't help thinking that if step mum had stayed home to do her hair that might have pissed you off too.

It's not really clear what the real issue is here OP.

I assume there's a huge back story.

Why is them getting her a colouring book and skipping rope bad?

Was a specific time to meet at arrivals agreed?

Surely a macdonalds wasn't the only food place in arrivals. Couldn't you have bought a sandwich at the previous airport?

What is the issue with the family all coming to greet you?

I think let it go on both sides. It's not their fault your DD was tired/hungry and wouldn't eat food on plane, you hadn't taken food on there as a back up she doesn't like McDonalds. If it was really a hair issue, sounds like that could have been avoided. Maybe family were excited to see you both and all wanted to come, and I'd have been grateful someone was picking me up as I'd usually make my own way wherever.

@Dery

I am only being dismissive to the abrupt abrupt and rather rude posts. I am certainly not like that in real life though.

I have definitely got the tone wrong, it appears.

i appreciate very much what you have written though.

Lots of words, very little sense.

Parking at airports costs a small fortune. If I was meeting someone I’d wait until they’d landed before I turned up too.

The boys should not have come in the car

Why not though? Just don’t understand why? I have had kids (including SN) and now have adults so have experienced it at both ends and this truly baffles me. I’d think it a bit mad tbh if someone said something to that effect to me. I get it if that means there are no seats for the people being picked up though, or luggage, although normally you can squish it somewhere, but that seems fairly insane to take a full car with no seats to an airport to pick people up. As asked above, was that the case and their sons had to make their way home otherwise so you could have their seats? That is bonkers.

Holy bejeesus! You are holding a grudge, don’t think JAL has had a 747 for about 15 years!!!

Your update explains a lot, OP. It sounds like your father and his wife are pretty self-absorbed and mean-spirited. You have to be a bit of a bitch to tell a daughter that her father doesn’t like her. And you have to be pretty mean to make your daughter repay you for flights. Also, any adult who blames an 8 yo for a failed trip is clearly an arsehole.

OP your tone on here seems a little aggressive and abrupt.. it’s quite hard to follow what you are saying from the initial post. Try let it go though otherwise it will eat away at you. Also the parking at Auckland airport is extortionate and the immigration customs line so bloody slow, are you sure they weren’t accounting for this by arriving late? Even so I definitely think your father and his wife were in the wrong.

Also I hope you managed to see the beauty of the country, NZ is wonderful even if your dad didn’t behave so well.

I'm not sure that it's unreasonable that the whole family came. I definitely know people who would consider that a slight - only my Dad came to pick us up after nearly 24 hours flying to see them, etc.

The only issue that I'd have here is that there was no car seat for your daughter, which is pretty dangerous. I'd not have been getting in the car in that case.

Waiting 40 minutes for them to arrive isn't a big deal, I don't think. A bit frustrating, but airports can be a pain, and I'd have anticipated that they could get stuck in traffic/lost in the airport/generally not timed it right. You're going to say that this isn't what happened and it was just step-mum's hair, but it doesn't really make a difference what caused the delay if you're anticipating that there will be one.

Food seems to have been a stressor on this trip, because your daughter wouldn't try sushi and neither of you like McDonalds, but again, you just have to know who you're travelling with. Maybe research the airports ahead of time?

You are holding a grudge, rightly or wrongly. You'll never figure out what could have been different for them to be there on time, so you may be better to focus on why it was so important that they were there on time, and what you can do to let this go now.

This too. Quite reasonable to not want to park any longer than necessary.

The arrangement was that my Father - having invited us (but not paid) - would meet us. Why would that not happen?
At that point, I had not seen him for over three years, and my daughter had seen him only once in her life.
That's not "entitled" by any definition, surely?

I had and have done far more complicated trips, but that was not the expectation on this occasion.

It's lovely to be met at the airport but quite tricky and expensive to do now. I too would guess 45 mins after landing is the time to arrive for pickup. Timing is difficult.

I think you are right that the boys shouldn't have come so that there was plenty of room in the car.

You would both be very tired and need some recovery time at their house before being at your best.