Expecting to be met at Arrivals

[FarFarWay]

(OK, this a while ago - but |I have never cleared it up in my mind; I need other opinions.)

Travelling with an 8 year old, to meet people who I don't really know (even though technically family), and who the child has never met.

Two flights (one upgraded, the other downgraded, by comparison; no spare time in the airport in Japan, just a mad dash to find the plane!), about 22 hours in the air total, plus the travel down to Heathrow/check-in etc. (Also a week before Christmas). Almost the only child on the flight, and even though a "special meal", most of it was not to her liking - not fussy but never eaten sushi etc. So she was a bit hungry and tired when we landed.

The people we were to be staying with lived approx 40 minutes away.
Not only did a carful of people who my eight year old had never met, EVENTUALLY turn up - but we had to sit and wait for them to get there.

Before anyone says "Let it go....". The main player of that group has recently brought up the trip, and what a (not-quite-but almost-) disaster it was - but the then eight-year-old has never seen these (important, arguably) people ever again, and this is now being held against her by the main player.

Despite appearances, I am not a grudge holder but, in my over-thinking way, I have actually tried to figure out the actual science of this flight and how much time was needed for them to be there to greet us. And I am a bit pissed at the "they", as the delay was blamed on the wife element doing her hair, when she really did not need to come as well, as it made the whole thing into a bigger deal, when we - and especially my daughter - would have really appreciated it being casual and low key - let alone there actually be someone - anyone - present, when we came through the Arrival doors to ---- [crickets].

By my (bad) calculations, they didn't even set off until we landed.... but due to the time-travel aspect of hours behind/ahead, am I getting it wrong?

(PS - on the one hand, this light-hearted, but on the other - as I said, she has never seen them again, and so sometimes, it seems like it happened yesterday.)

I agree with everything you say @Eskimalita , and thank you, I appreciate what you are saying.

I want to say a little more about why this seems to have dragged on through out my life (and expect there may be some mockery/confusion from some quarters, if anyone actually reads these further ramblings).

Firstly, I had not heard the phrase "Arrested Development" until only a few years ago. And it really did help me understand some of the difficulties I had. My parents left/lost me at the age of three - but who remembers that, right?

Later on though - having lived my childhood and adolescence with paternal grandparents, two significant events regarding both the mother and the father (separately - which they had been for well over a decade) happened when |I was 14 - 16. These things effed up my life and more importantly, my education. Although in a sense, becuase I "allowed them to".... there was no pastoral care, and non-one noticed or cared that I was really really struggling.

So, in one way, I do believe there is an aspect of me that is stuck in the mid-teens (oh, I wish!). Which is maddening for everyone.

But of course, I have carried on on the conveyor belt of life. Effed up personal relationships as well, often in search of a father-figure, and always always with an overwhelming sense of inadequacy and inferiority. When was younger, the future was ahead of me, and I could push aside that terrible "chip on my shoulder". But now.... far less time ahead than behind.

So - Time.... in my attempts to understand why it is so shitty between me and my father, I HAVE to reflect on what has happened over the years (and years). NOT the nitty-gritty _ such as meeting (or not) at Arrivals in New Zealand) - the lack of care for his then only-grandchild - the start of the absolutely terrible trip to France when I was about 11/another when I was 20 - and even the blasted emery board. But the fact of the matter being that, since the year 2000, I have seen/met up with him only five times (and one of those was the funeral of his mother, when he threw a fit - afterwards - becuase I apparently didn't look at him the right way).

So, why it seems that these occasions were a "big deal" - is how few there have been, for starters. But also, in the intervening years, there have been so many many things that have happened, to all parties - but without anything between us, to supplant those usually uncomfortable events - AND the fact, that they ARE "events", by the very nature of being only occasional. Even as a grown-up, I couldn't do much to change the frequency - it was always his timing.

He has said to me that the distance doesn't matter, we "can have a great relationship no matter how far away he lives". But at the same time, believes that I can (could_) have a great relationship with my mother (also not seen her for exactly 9 years) just because she lives on the same land mass!

So yes, I do remember them - because why would I not? It's not really been holding a grudge - certainly about being met at the airport. I have been forced into a position by his judgement of me and no matter what I do, his opinion of me too, is stuck back when I was a troubled teenager, and he couldn't stand the sight of me.

He hates ANY discussion of - well, just about anything; and yet will drag up the past in letters and (until I changed my email) emails, to the point that I was pushed precariously close to the edge (and counselling/therapy really didn't help, In just ended up wallowing). So, on those are occasions we have had lunch ('04, '10, and 2016), there was only one time when we had a nice lunch alone. He always prefers to have the protection of his wife and also my uncle and his wife. In effect, there IS no relationship between him and me - and, over time, I have of course realised that.

So, for what it's worth, that's a (ha ha) summary of my futile attempts to understand on some level, why it is - now - the way it is. It really would not matter what I do, or what I have done over time. Nothing has been done to repair things, even at the shallowest level - it certainly is not all down to not getting to Arrivals on time to meet us.

Dear OP

You have a very strange style of writing. Did you grow up in UK?

It’s really not clear at all, reads like a brain dump/wordsoup 😂😂

I wouldn’t expect anyone to “greet” me at arrivals- ever. I even make a point to friends/family to not do it..
What a waste of time (1hr minimum return car journey plus waiting around for flight, bag collection, possible delays etc) and money (the cost of going through the airport gate) … really can’t see the point.
Make sure you know the address and then sort yourself bus/taxi/tram/boat

I understand your daughter was 8- you weren’t.

Her father said he was meeting her, what would you have done just walked off and left him standing while she was at his house unable to get in?

Deleted a duplicate post.

You don't need either of your parents for anything at this stage. You already blocked his emails, so block his number and leave it at that.

As much as your posts are still incredibly challenging to make sense of because of your writing style, it’s clear that you’re struggling to move on from your relationship with your dad and I’m sorry about that. You say therapy didn’t work and I can understand why that might be, based on your writing style. It seems like you get lost in a stream of consciousness and that can be all consuming. You also seem to have a huge drive for closure, based on both the fact that these historic incidents are still so ‘live’ for you and the fact that you’re struggling to step away from this thread.

In my opinion, the alternative to therapy is to do something which engages you, gives you meaning, allows you to get absorbed in something physically and mentally so that you are taken out of your head for a while. Perhaps something which involves using your muscles for heavy work or work against resistance, that can be very grounding.

I hope you are able to find a way through this and perhaps step one of learning to do that is to step away from the thread and accept that you don’t have to reply to every comment that is directed at you. Let them go because you don’t owe these people anything and they don’t owe you anything.

What is wrong with my writing style!!!!

I have read and understood far longer, more complicated and involved posts on Mumsnet....
and I wouldn't even take away from the actual point by making any one of the putdowns I hear regularly on MN, and specifically on this thread!

I think you have so many conflicting thoughts about this issue, that you are finding it hard to write a clear story that people can follow. You are digressing, adding asides, writing things that make perfect sense to you but we can't follow.

For example, you mention an emery board on page 3. Then, 3-400 posts later, on page 7, you tell us that you will be telling us the story of the emery board, but you don't. Then on this page, page 8, you refer back to the emery board that you've never told us about.

It is very hard to follow.

Why did you go if he's indifferent to you and she doesn't like you? You could have anticipated the welcome you were going to have.

[No need to quote the whole post....]

It was an attempt to build bridges..... all effort and expense made by me and my child. But ho hum, it failed.

@Lougle But yet, you seem to have followed it quite well.
The emery board anecdote doesn't really matter that much, and heck, I might write it in a convoluted way that people cannot follow.
It doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things.

Doe sit never occur to anyone that, initial post, the sheer length of a thread makes it cumbersome? I know that I find that sometimes. Rather than make a complaint, I either leave or just carry on ploughing through.

@CRD67 Also we were invited, I did not request to go at all..... so the "welcome" should have been better than it was....

It's funny, how when people are accommodating you (the entire plan from the start - I did actually try to move out half way through the visit, daughter didn't want to), they seem to think that you have just gone to all that trouble - stupidly/optimistically or otherwise- - just to bloody well observe their lives, and hear them reminisce about all the years since you last saw them - and I mean reminisce amongst themselves with us as an audience; we certainly had no shared experiences to chat about.

Yes, I more or less, should have anticipated how it would go.... ahh, hindsight.

It's not the length of your opening post, it's the clarity.

btw how old is your daughter now...

I didn't 'follow' quite well. I literally searched this thread, page by page, for the word 'emery' because you were referring to it as if it was something you had written about, and I couldn't remember the story.

You feel hurt, I get it. You can't choose your family. You have to choose what you do about the family you have.

@Lougle I understand, and appreciate what you're saying on all counts.

You say "You can't choose your family".... in many cases, that seems to mean that family members are accepted, no matter what. Maybe I idealise it - and my father has certainly told me that I do - but in this case, my father has picked me up and put me down as he felt that year or even decade. I have put up with it, and would now, as I did then. There is certainly an element of "choice" in what he does, which has sort of removed mine.

Sorry that doesn't make sense even to me now.

I am very sorry that it isn't clear enough.
You aren't forced to read it, or respond. It's fine if you don't.

On the contrary. I'm saying that you have to look at the family you have, their behaviour, and how it affects you. Then you have to decide how much you're willing to engage. You can only control your actions. You can't change them.

It’s not the length or complexity at all.

As you write, you add your own asides and incidental comments which just seem to occur to you as you’re writing. It obviously makes perfect sense to you but to others it doesn’t.

I realise that you might not agree or want to hear that, I’m just trying to explain why people are finding it hard to understand what’s at the core of your posts. Which is that you’re hurting because you’ve been badly treated and I hope that there have been at least some helpful posts for you relating to that.

You seem to be being rather rude to people who don't agree with you; could you be the reason you're estranged from so many family members?

.

@CosyLemur , 28 pages of posts and you come up with that.
There's a lot more to the OP's relationship with her parent.

I was thinking the same thing.

No it isn't.
I am not about to relate the full story; that wasn't even the point of the question in the first place.
But you carry on with a ridiculous assumption.