Expecting to be met at Arrivals

[FarFarWay]

(OK, this a while ago - but |I have never cleared it up in my mind; I need other opinions.)

Travelling with an 8 year old, to meet people who I don't really know (even though technically family), and who the child has never met.

Two flights (one upgraded, the other downgraded, by comparison; no spare time in the airport in Japan, just a mad dash to find the plane!), about 22 hours in the air total, plus the travel down to Heathrow/check-in etc. (Also a week before Christmas). Almost the only child on the flight, and even though a "special meal", most of it was not to her liking - not fussy but never eaten sushi etc. So she was a bit hungry and tired when we landed.

The people we were to be staying with lived approx 40 minutes away.
Not only did a carful of people who my eight year old had never met, EVENTUALLY turn up - but we had to sit and wait for them to get there.

Before anyone says "Let it go....". The main player of that group has recently brought up the trip, and what a (not-quite-but almost-) disaster it was - but the then eight-year-old has never seen these (important, arguably) people ever again, and this is now being held against her by the main player.

Despite appearances, I am not a grudge holder but, in my over-thinking way, I have actually tried to figure out the actual science of this flight and how much time was needed for them to be there to greet us. And I am a bit pissed at the "they", as the delay was blamed on the wife element doing her hair, when she really did not need to come as well, as it made the whole thing into a bigger deal, when we - and especially my daughter - would have really appreciated it being casual and low key - let alone there actually be someone - anyone - present, when we came through the Arrival doors to ---- [crickets].

By my (bad) calculations, they didn't even set off until we landed.... but due to the time-travel aspect of hours behind/ahead, am I getting it wrong?

(PS - on the one hand, this light-hearted, but on the other - as I said, she has never seen them again, and so sometimes, it seems like it happened yesterday.)

Bad manners that your family was excited enough to meet you and your daughter that they all went to the airport to pick you up? I don't think they're the ones with bad manners.

Honestly, this is one of the most surreal posts I've read in a while!

I have to agree that the post is very unclear - the way it is written is overly verbose modifiers, additional sentences and details that distract the reader. As a former English teacher, I have struggled to stay on queue here. But this isn’t the point. Just saying what I noticed and what many others have but weren’t able to articulate perhaps.

Also to say that when you travel, everything feels so much worse that it really is because we’re tired and grumpy. So be kind to yourself and others.

Lastly I’ve noticed OP responses are snappy and accusative. This would indicate to me that you can be somewhat unreasonable.

if I were you I’d work on moving past this incident. And healing yourself from resentment. Sounds like you never see these people anyway. Reframing it by being grateful and thankful that they came to pick you up and next time you have such a long journey pack loads and loads of snacks.🌮

How patronising Glittercloud. It was perfectly easy to read. It is completely understandable that if she hadn't seen her father for many years she would want him to be excited enough to see her and his grandchild that he could actually be there at the airport on time. I live 40 minutes away from an airport. I have never still been at home when someone's flight is due in,

Too many expectations. We set ourselves up for disappointment. 😔

YOU ARE NOT BEING UNREASONABLE. I understand why this long ago event sits large in your mind. It’s not just being late, it’s for no good reason, not planning to have space in the car for you & just the awkward & annoying start to a somewhat bad trip. A trip made mostly just to see your father, who didn’t seem to appreciate it at all.

Your father is not a nice person. You clearly feel a lot of confused feelings about him. One clear one is confusion he behaves badly and can’t see it, despite him being demanding of you (to the point of criticising you for sitting at a McDonald’s which is totally reasonable). The fact that your Dad cares more about where you sat then how late he was… it’s not normal behaviour. Do an internet search for personality disorders, likely he has one.. NPD, BPD. I’m sure reading about one of those will be like switching on a light and it will suddenly all make sense.

Glad he’s not a big part of your life. Keep it that way. Go no contact if you want. So what’s emotional safe for you. He’s not a good person & wont change & there is no logic to it. Just his twisted system of hypocrisy/

@Glittercloud17 , I agree that the post was unclear but As a former English teacher, I have struggled to stay on queue here. , did you mean "on cue"?

It’s not just being late, it’s for no good reason

For goodness sake, there is no ‘being late’ to collect people from an airport. There’s no definition for being ‘on time’ or ‘late’ in this scenario. That’s unless you have agreed a specific meeting time, but then tbh, it’s way more likely than the person arriving on the plane will be late if the plane is delayed, or it takes a further age getting through customs/bag collection, is the other person then meant to crack it? It’s all just a best guess judgement as to when to show up to minimise pain all round (as I said before, I refuse to even leave my house until I have a text telling me the plane doors have opened and people are physically getting off, and I live an hour away out of peak). The only time I’ve known people to make such a big deal of it is when meeting exchange students and people they and meet them off the plane (with dinky homemade signs by excited teens keen to be hosting an exchange). Given their age and potential lack of local language, people make an effort. Fully grown and functioning adults though, can make their own way out of Arrivals and jump into a kiss and ride pick up whenever it gets there to avoid the parking palaver. They won’t combust if they need to wait a bit.

You’re absolutely right! Silly me 🤣

I still couldn’t understand it. But you catch my drift.

I'm noticing a sarcastic tone when your answering people that are asking for clarification. There are many that don't understand what it is that is happening in your original post. When answering others your immediate reaction is defensive. "Its not your fault that others are stupid because they are not getting it". That's what I am hearing so far.

@HoppingPavlova
Seriously, if it was your own child who you hadn't seen for many years, would you really not go on time and risk having to wait around? This isn't a random person, this is his own daughter and granddaughter who have travelled for 24 hours to see him.

@HoppingPavlova You certainly can be late to collect people from the airport. If you say you’ll meet at arrivals and don’t… you’re late. Pure & simple. It’s not usually a big deal. For the OP it was a big deal. If you read her posts you’ll see why.

Her Dad was very, very late. Criticised her for sitting in McDonalds to wait for him as it’s low class. Said it wasn’t his fault but the step mothers as she needed to do her hair. Her Dad also brought his two grown sons so the car was very full on the journey from the airport. OP only had expected her Dad at the airport. The Dad then spent very little time with her & her daughter during the visit & was very critical of her & other things went wrong.

She has very little relationship or contact with her dad. So this looms large. Seems reasonable to me.

I wouldn't usually point out someones poor writing, I'm not the best at it myself. However, your comment was quite rude and you genuinely seem unaware that your writing is not clear.

I’ve read it twice; what a load of gobbledygook.

wtf are you talking about? What’s the actual issue???

this is a very weird post and I can't make any sense of it.

We live around 40 mins from Heathrow (if no
traffic). The only people we collect are our own DC. And I never leave until after the flight has landed as the waiting fees are huge and flights can circle etc. I’d rather my DC wait than I wait at an expensive cost per 15 mins. It’s a 2 hour round trip, and I don’t have time. I don’t even pick up my elderly parents, (unless it’s a weekend) I order them a taxi. And often we’ve have to wait for taxis as they misjudge the timings as well. Sometimes bags take 5 mins sometimes 45
mins. Sometimes massive queues for
passport control. So really I can’t see what you are even asking. How nice of them that they went out of their way to collect you, and totally ungrateful not to recognise.

@MeridaBrave
Re collecting your DC from Heathrow, is this a regular -ish occasion or, like OP, an 8 year interval since she had last seen her DF? A father who'd never really been around when she was a child because he lived on another continent re-married (twice) and had other DC there? And even as an absent father, hasn't really put himself out to make amends?
I don't think the two situations re airport collections are comparable really.

Why, oh why, oh why. Do people click on threads that are days old, are tens of pages long and only respond to the original post? Do you think you’re giving some new take? Or do you think you might be embarrassing yourself by responding to something that has since evolved that you might understand better had you even bothered to read all of op’s posts?

Not really. Many people are confused by your rambling, incoherent post. Why make life hard for ourselves trying to decipher drivel?

Why read it in the first place?
You have managed to be quite insulting in just two sentences.
That's so awful.

@SwingTheMonkey
Thank you.

I think some people find it hard to resist - even after quite some time, and offer their simpler perspective/experience as some kind of put down, maybe.

I honestly wish (short of not posting at all), that the initial post had been simpler and more concise, although not quite bullet points. And that I had said it was my Father (etc etc) and with a little of what led up to the visit.

And of course, I wish with all my heart that the relationship was not as it has been, and so fragile, and with the terrible history prior to and dearth of contact since that visit.

Some of the responses on here have made me sadder than ever. But I of course have been truly thankful for those who understood what I, in a rambling way, was trying to say.

There has been so much that is insulting and offensive that it has kind of merged into one, so all I am left with from that is a feeling of how badly I express myself, which is also very depressing (on top of everything else).

I honestly thought the thread was dead - I certainly didn't expect it to have any more responses. I do appreciate the understanding that you and @floridaidea have shown.

FFS @HiEarthlings why on earth have you come on this thread to be rude and mean to the OP. What is the matter with you? Those with comprehension skills and ability to read have easily understood the OP so perhaps the problem is you.

I honestly wish (short of not posting at all), that the initial post had been simpler and more concise, although not quite bullet points. And that I had said it was my Father (etc etc) and with a little of what led up to the visit.

@FarFarWay it is no easy task to sum up a historical relationship combined with a specific incident as most of us are not Hollywood screenwriters. Plus, you probably didn’t want to be too outing with all the details. Please just ignore the assholes on this thread who possess neither the wit nor the empathy to consider another’s situation but instead can only judge an event based on their own personal circumstances. There has been some solid advice, listen to that and ignore the rest.

@Glittercloud17 , easily done. I'm not an English teacher. I think the OP would have made more sense if it was in plainer English.

"This happened years ago, but I’m still thinking about it. I’d like other people’s opinions.

My then 8-year old daughter and I were travelling to the other side of the world to see my estranged father and his new family.

After two flights with no spare time in the connecting airport and more than 22 hours since we left home, we arrived tired and hungry.

My father and his family live about a 40-minute drive from the airport. We had to wait quite a long time before they collected us, and the car already had 4 in it. My step-brothers were in their late teens. My daughter had never met any of them before.

Before anyone says "Let it go....", my father has recently brought up the trip, and what a (not-quite-but almost-) disaster it was. My daughter has not seen these people since, and my father is holding our visit against her.

I have tried to figure out the how much time was needed for them to be there on time to greet us. And I am a bit annoyed at Father, as he blamed his wife for taking a long time doing her hair, when she really did not need to come. It made the whole thing into a bigger deal, when we, especially my daughter, would have really appreciated it being casual and low key and with someone being there when we got to Arrivals. By my (bad) calculations they didn't even set off until we landed. We waited for them in McDonalds, and he was cross with us about it.

This post is meant to be light-hearted, but my daughter has never seen them again, and sometimes, it seems like it happened yesterday.

Does what happened at the airport sound like my father didn’t care about me or my daughter? Why did he think it was OK to let his visitor wait for a long time before he collected them? Did he not think it would have been better to come alone to collect us?
Why is he still holding against my daughter what happened during our stay with him?"

My thoughts would be:
He should have been waiting in Arrivals, with the step-family waiting at home.
You could have done with time alone.
He also should have considered that you'd be tired and hungry after such a long flight. McDonalds isn't great, but you had a hungry child with you.
It was decades ago, go low contact.

(I only have a GCSE in English and it wasn't an A or A*)

@Warmfeet Seriously, if it was your own child who you hadn't seen for many years, would you really not go on time and risk having to wait around? This isn't a random person, this is his own daughter and granddaughter who have travelled for 24 hours to see him

Yes, seriously. Nope. Wouldn’t matter. I could be collecting the big JC himself and I wouldn’t be leaving home until he had sent me a message saying doors are physically open for disembarking. He would be expected to wait until I got there and then exit Arrivals to jump in on the drive past. I don’t give a shit if it’s God, a child I have not seen for years that I love dearly, someone I pick up frequently, a distant relative I don’t see often, or a favour I’m doing for someone picking up their parents/cousin because their car broke down that morning. My protocol is the same, it doesn’t change and is in no way reflective of my feelings for them.

@HoppingPavlova
My Father is very different to you.

I wish I could tell you about the Emery Board incident - which sort of sums him up.