Expecting to be met at Arrivals

[FarFarWay]

(OK, this a while ago - but |I have never cleared it up in my mind; I need other opinions.)

Travelling with an 8 year old, to meet people who I don't really know (even though technically family), and who the child has never met.

Two flights (one upgraded, the other downgraded, by comparison; no spare time in the airport in Japan, just a mad dash to find the plane!), about 22 hours in the air total, plus the travel down to Heathrow/check-in etc. (Also a week before Christmas). Almost the only child on the flight, and even though a "special meal", most of it was not to her liking - not fussy but never eaten sushi etc. So she was a bit hungry and tired when we landed.

The people we were to be staying with lived approx 40 minutes away.
Not only did a carful of people who my eight year old had never met, EVENTUALLY turn up - but we had to sit and wait for them to get there.

Before anyone says "Let it go....". The main player of that group has recently brought up the trip, and what a (not-quite-but almost-) disaster it was - but the then eight-year-old has never seen these (important, arguably) people ever again, and this is now being held against her by the main player.

Despite appearances, I am not a grudge holder but, in my over-thinking way, I have actually tried to figure out the actual science of this flight and how much time was needed for them to be there to greet us. And I am a bit pissed at the "they", as the delay was blamed on the wife element doing her hair, when she really did not need to come as well, as it made the whole thing into a bigger deal, when we - and especially my daughter - would have really appreciated it being casual and low key - let alone there actually be someone - anyone - present, when we came through the Arrival doors to ---- [crickets].

By my (bad) calculations, they didn't even set off until we landed.... but due to the time-travel aspect of hours behind/ahead, am I getting it wrong?

(PS - on the one hand, this light-hearted, but on the other - as I said, she has never seen them again, and so sometimes, it seems like it happened yesterday.)

I feel for you and I would be in a rage as well. So much time to be there to meet you and take you both home to rest.
Especially as it was probably a forced or guilted visit and they were oh so desperate to see you both but not enough to just be on time please we have flown for 22 hours.
We once went to relatives for our DD's first Christmas and much was made of us being there. When we got there tired with a young baby our room still had a house guest in it who had to be shuffled out and then the bed changed and room tidied, even though it had been planned for months.
I still get the rage 16 years later.
Inconsiderate people who just can't think are the worst.

So what is your issue?? What on earth has not being met at arrivals got to do with your daughter, and the disaster of a holiday-which you subsequently say was your fault?? Honestly, this reads like a stream of consciousness and/or you typed it after a couple of glasses of wine?? Frankly after reading it-no wonder they didn't rush to pick you up!!

I think you could demote him from Father to father. It might help . Also , stop wondering why a fucked up selfish emotionally damaged and damaging person doesn't talk , act and react like a normal person. He happens to be , technically, your biological dad, but he can't hurt your daughter if she doesn't know him. She matters, he doesn't, so just chuck him in the bin.

Your daddy was an arse and nothing you did or said could have turned him into a normal person who had a normal relationship with you and DD. It's a pity but there it is.
My daddy was lovely, then he got dementia, gradually just crumpled and died. It's a pity but it couldn't be helped. Mine is gone, yours was never really there. Sucks for me, sucks more for you but, oh well. Serenity prayer and all that.

Oh my gosh, I do hope you’re in therapy.
The resentment for YEARS over an airport pick up is honestly unbelievable.
of course there is more to the issue, but this is what you have posted about.
Your lack of acceptance of the (valid) criticism of the majority of posters really does highlight your role in relationship issues and the need for therapy to make reasonable adjustments.

oh and an IQ of 149 only serves to indicate more around the ND aspect as your written ability clearly does not reflect this.

@BastardsWant2PutUpMyPremiums
Thank you - yes, you understand and I appreciate it. It is a shame when families fall aprt like this, and particularly when the next generation are also affected.

It is so frustrating when some who comment seem to think that I have been dwelling on and resenting this for years - when, as you correctly have noted, it is recent communication with my almost-estranged Father that has brought this to mind. I was utterly amazed when he really thought she would - not because of the time and "hassle" - travel from Toronto to Montreal to seem him/them, when she has not had so much as even a kind birthday wish in the intervening years. She would have no memory really of the NZ trip, and has a perfect right to think it would be a bit strange to expect her to just "swing by".

He, as far as I know, fine and well - and she is a few years younger, and very well too (hair and all!). So nothing he does or says is out of need or loneliness. The eldest son lives in Montreal itself, and I'm not sure where the other one is - probably there too. But he has not toed the line as much as Son #1, so is disparaged a bit more by his (my) Father. (Even though they were in business together for a bit.)

Even - maybe especially - with the recent communication, I'm not sure there will, or can, be any future reunion. He has withheld so much from me - from us - and now complains! You are so right; there needs to have been at least something of a foundation - these things cannot come out of nowhere.

I once said to him, "We don't have to talk about the elephant in the room, but it would be good to acknowledge that there is one!". I don't think he really sees me as a human being - so maybe those who think I am AI are right....

I am so thankful that you - and others - can see, and understand, and have shared your experiences too, and taken time to write such thoughtful posts.

@floridaidea Thank you. You understand where I was coming from, and that seems quite rare on here.
I wish I had posted differently - but that would probably have awry too.
I am very grateful for your kind words and point of view, it means a lot. x

I'm surprised but not surprised by the responses on here OP.
Surprised because I know there are so many on here, myself included, who "talk" on here because we're going through it, are lonely, have children with SEN or have relationship or family issues. We are not alone.
But sadly - and I've been on here for 16 years now under various guises - there are also pedants, trolls, keyboard warriors and bullies, who delight on bringing others down, deliberately not understanding, derailing or lacking empathy or comprehension. Many can't be arsed to read a full thread. Some can but delight in character assassination.
Ignore and rise above.

Thank you thank you to those who have understood and had kind words, understanding and their own points of view and experiences; I hope I have responded appropriately to you.
And Cheers 🍷 and good wishes to you @BastardsWant2PutUpMyPremiums

I am forever amazed at what the internet and forums can do and the potential for otherwise sensible, probably kind and intelligent people to be unkind and deliberately obtuse, for whatever reasons they may have.

I hope that things are not always as they appear in discussions like these.

Sorry, no story of "The France Incident".

Ffs-you sound like a spoiled child "HE should have been waiting for us"?? Honestly? You sound as if you were ready to take offence at the slightest thing. I would imagine they were glad to see the back of you. I just feel sorry for your daughter, who missed out on a chance to meet/spend time with her grandparents because you were harbouring a massive grudge/sulk.

What are you talking about? Their trip lasted long enough for her father to get to know her daughter but it sounds like he didn't bother. How is this a loss to her daughter?

Do you really think children don't pick up on adults falling out/sulking/being difficult?? Of course they do-and that can suck the joy & participation out of any situation for them.

On this occasion, the issues that arose did not involve her; also, her own character (and age) meant that she was oblivious and, unlike the adults, let any tense atmosphere wash over her.
We have talked about it since.

Yes, we were there for a month. An example of his more or less discounting her presence was the special dinner (Christmas/NYE?)he had booked without thinking about her (no children). It was after that that we met the other family, and spent quite a lot of time with them.
He resented the fact we did that, but seemed to really expect us to just sit around at their house all of the time.
The worst of what he thought, although a lot was said both too me and about me (to his sons, and no doubt, his wife) while we were still there, arrived in a letter soon after our return.

I also received a huge phone bill, as he would not let me call home, so I had to go to a public telephone and reverse the charges. I think the bill was something like £500.

i do not really understand the story either.

Why was the trip an almost disaster? How are these people related to your daughter? Why will you never see them again?

I also received a huge phone bill, as he would not let me call home, so I had to go to a public telephone and reverse the charges. I think the bill was something like £500.

You used phone cards back in these days to call home from holiday. Reverse charges have always been exorbitant; they’re for emergencies.

From what I can gather, this trip was a very long time ago. OP’s father seems to have been pushy to convince her to take this trip and bring her daughter. He then spent the entirety of the trip letting OP know that he considered her being there a burden. He also didn’t take the opportunity to try and develop a relationship with OP’s daughter. This is relevant because now he is complaining that OP’s daughter isn’t putting in the effort to visit him.

OP, have you ever looked into the cycle of abuse? It seems to me that your father has spent your whole life putting you through it. For your own sake, you need to break the cycle. This may sound unkind, but your father will never love or care about you. He isn’t capable of it. This isn’t your fault. He is defective. I recommend you find a therapist that believes in cutting off abusive/toxic relatives and work towards cutting ties with your father. He doesn’t bring anything positive to your life.

I don’t think you should write the France story here. Most posters are finding your writing style difficult to follow and this is taking away from the main issue. I do think you should write a burn letter or journal for yourself and possibly your therapist. Write out all of the awful things he has done and what you wish you could tell him. Write one for your mother and one for your stepmother too. When you’ve finished and addressed it in therapy, then have a lovely bonfire and burn the letters/journals.

Encourage your daughter to block him everywhere. He shouldn’t have even know she was in Canada. He wants to continue the cycle of abuse with your daughter. If you aren’t already, you should be having candid conversations with her about his true character and his abusive behavior towards you.

People with normal, loving families often have trouble understanding those of us with dysfunctional, abusive families. We seem dramatic, being upset about “small slights” when we are actually bleeding to death from thousands of paper cuts. It can be hard for us to clearly articulate how our families have hurt us because they are experts at plausible deniability. It isn’t the individual acts, like not meeting us at the airport on time. It’s an entire lifetime of disregard for us and taking every opportunity possible to show us that we don’t matter to them.

With all the possible kindness, your father cannot keep you anchored to the past, because that happens in your mind.
He might want to do so, and even manage, but that only works because you react and think in a certain manner.

You will never be free from that feelings and thoughts, unless your mindset changes, which could be hard work if you have wired yourself to think and react in certain ways since you were young.
But it can be done. You, and only you, can do it, perhaps with time and some help.

It can help to try and let go of the wish to make sense of certain happenings and behaviours.
Maybe your father has reasons to be and act like that. But would understanding that reasons make a difference, in terms of how your feel?
Probably not.
Lots of people spend years, sometimes whole lives, chasing that understanding, in the hope it will make things better. But in my experience that is not the real solution.

Making sense of your family, if even possible, will not make things radically better. Working on your thoughts and triggers, so to reduce the time you spend thinking about your father and the past, is more likely to help.

Recurring thoughts about the past can rob us of the present, which is were the future is made.

I also received a huge phone bill, as he would not let me call home, so I had to go to a public telephone and reverse the charges. I think the bill was something like £500.

As pp said, we used calling cards, e.g. you could talk for 30 minutes for £5.

Did he not allow that?

Or is he a millionaire who could easily afford the phone bills?

Where did you sit OP? Your dad obviously knew there's 2 of you so why bring 3 extra people when there needs to be space for you two and your luggage! They could've waited at home

OP, your father is an unpleasant man per se, and a terrible father to you.

I am sorry he behaves as he does. It’s hurtful.

I think all you can do is gather yourself up in the way that suits you best to recover and strengthen yourself against this favouritism and rejection.

Have you ever visited the Stately Homes threads ?

To be honest, this is how I understood it too in the original post, but then I read her comment and read the original again. Then I did understand she started on Heathrow. But somebody actually understood that she was travelling to Japan and her dad is Japanese who served the sushi and he would expected his granddaughter to be familiar with sushi. 🤣😂🤣 so I think everyone understood this post different way. 🤣

...................so I think everyone understood this post in a different way

Because it was really unclear.

Am I getting this straight finally. You were expecting to be met by your father and daughter's grandfather but you got his new wife and their 2 huge sons as well. I'm not sure about the flight arrival time from your post. Could you have given them the wrong info? Wndering from your tone, if new wife is problematic.

I wondered this too....

That's OK. It would be impossible (for me) to write something that 100 people could relate to. And maybe some just don't want to.

I still don't mind that some don't like my writing style.
Everyone is different, although I do see some common elements in those who have been really quite rude to me.

Of course I'm not writing about France @Ivymom - and thank you so much for such thoughtful and interesting comment, I will take it on board x