Expecting to be met at Arrivals

[FarFarWay]

(OK, this a while ago - but |I have never cleared it up in my mind; I need other opinions.)

Travelling with an 8 year old, to meet people who I don't really know (even though technically family), and who the child has never met.

Two flights (one upgraded, the other downgraded, by comparison; no spare time in the airport in Japan, just a mad dash to find the plane!), about 22 hours in the air total, plus the travel down to Heathrow/check-in etc. (Also a week before Christmas). Almost the only child on the flight, and even though a "special meal", most of it was not to her liking - not fussy but never eaten sushi etc. So she was a bit hungry and tired when we landed.

The people we were to be staying with lived approx 40 minutes away.
Not only did a carful of people who my eight year old had never met, EVENTUALLY turn up - but we had to sit and wait for them to get there.

Before anyone says "Let it go....". The main player of that group has recently brought up the trip, and what a (not-quite-but almost-) disaster it was - but the then eight-year-old has never seen these (important, arguably) people ever again, and this is now being held against her by the main player.

Despite appearances, I am not a grudge holder but, in my over-thinking way, I have actually tried to figure out the actual science of this flight and how much time was needed for them to be there to greet us. And I am a bit pissed at the "they", as the delay was blamed on the wife element doing her hair, when she really did not need to come as well, as it made the whole thing into a bigger deal, when we - and especially my daughter - would have really appreciated it being casual and low key - let alone there actually be someone - anyone - present, when we came through the Arrival doors to ---- [crickets].

By my (bad) calculations, they didn't even set off until we landed.... but due to the time-travel aspect of hours behind/ahead, am I getting it wrong?

(PS - on the one hand, this light-hearted, but on the other - as I said, she has never seen them again, and so sometimes, it seems like it happened yesterday.)

I f these people arranged to meet you at the arrivals gate, but were late, surely you were in contact with them?
If you couldn't wait then you could've chosen to get a taxi. It's really not a big deal. Why consider it after such a long time?

Talk amongst yourselves why don't you.
Mumsnet at it's worst.

....why? Becuase, as I have already said, he brought it up when complaining that his Grand-daughter doesn't "care about " him....

The arrangement for meeting us in at Arrivals had already been made; therefore need to be in touch - and - (wait for it)

Mobile phones had only just become a thing.

We have family in Turkey and every year it's never just one of them picking us up it's a whole car load. When I was younger I used to think it's be much more efficient if they just brought one or two people instead of 5/6 plus children but I've come to realise that they are just excited to see us so make a big deal out of it when realistically, we'd be happy to make a deal when we got to the house, eaten and had a shower. We've also had to wait 30 mins+ for them to arrive but thats a general airport problem with nowhere for them to stop so better we wait there than them wait, especially if flight etc could be delayed.
If your daughter was grumpy after a long flight/day thats completely understandable and it sounds like perhaps was hit with a massive culture shock so I wouldn't bother thinking too much in to it. If they can't understand that, that's their problem.

@MandEmummy What happens with your family sounds lovely (maybe cultural;, or at least typical for all of you).
There's no real comparison between all of you me, my daughter and the "family" we were going to see and stay with though.
She wasn't grumpy, or hit with a culture shock - she did nothing wrong; I cannot seem to emphasis that enough.
If, in all of this, and despite how I have worded things, people are wanting to see any fault with the youngest person there, that's just odd.
I am so happy that you have great family visits though. It must be so nice for you!

So the late 90s?

I would have been annoyed too OP, you travelled half way across the world with a small child and without your husband, the least they could have done is be there on time to pick you up.
From what you have said though it sounds as though you would be better discarding the relationship with your father, there clearly isn’t much effort there on his part. I feel for you.

Gibberish

I think the only advice I could give is to stop trying to understand his behaviour. You wouldnt treat your own child the way he treats you, that’s all you really need to know

Yes it must have been a bit annoying they were late, but it can be difficult to navigate airport collection, 40m isn’t extremely long and they did collect you.

I have had to wait make my own way once and still had a wait to meet at another point for longer than your 40m somewhere with no seating, but some people are not very organised and it was something I had forgotten until the person reminded me. I wasn’t upset with them then or now.

Families can be difficult, you might be happier if you lower your expectations of them. You also mention they gave your DD a skipping rope and colouring book as if it wasn’t good enough.

If they are expecting you to be the ones to travel so far, I don’t think you should have to do that if you don’t want to, so agree if that’s what’s driving the thread.

The late airport arrival wouldn’t be a deal breaker, though I might arrange a taxi and not rely on them meeting me or factor in the wait.

Just to say - maybe cause English is not my first language, but I am fluent though, but without putting it into Google translate, there is no chance for me to understand what you are saying. And I do believe even if I do so, I won't be able to. I can only got from your post that you travelled around the world to see your relatives and had to wait for them on arrivals. Rest of the story it's a mystery for me.

When I travel, I make my own arrangements including taxi etc to my final destination which is preferably a hotel. I don’t rely on being met and it’s never a good idea after a long journey. Having said all that it’s just plain rude to keep people waiting when they have traveled so far, don’t know what they were thinking unless it’s cultural.

Well as someone who lives near Heathrow Nd regularly collects.....it's not always easy to time it right as flights often come in both early or late depending on weather and other factors, and time to go through Immigration is always unpredictable. So I would quit complaining. They saved you the cost of a taxi.

I agree it's so hard to understand what Op is trying to say.

i think, ultimately, you don’t like your dad and he can be a bit of a twat and it was overall quite disappointing that you made this big trip and it was underwhelming. The rest is all just white noise really, six of one, half a dozen of the other.
Alas, we can’t make poor familial relationships into something better, that which we wish them to be, no matter how hard we might try. The sooner you accept that and stop trying to make sense of others behaviour, the sooner you’ll be at peace, in my experience.

Honestly op, I think I’d ask for this thread to be closed now.

Too many posters are doing nothing but reading the op and commenting on that. You’ve had some good feedback from people who’ve read all of your responses.

@FarFarWay I think you need to let this go. All of it, not just the late pickup from the 22hr flight.

Wishing you find some sort of peace.

(Your OP did make sense but really, that's seems to be the trigger point, not the main issue. If you had led with the things that you mention in your subsequent posts, it would have given more context... and probably would have reduced the number of dismissive or incredulous responses you have received)

I thought you were travelling to UK, not from UK.

She was travelling to Auckland, just connecting through Japan and got that food on the aircraft.

I have the impression all of this happened 20 years or more ago. Not saying it's not true, but if you're not over it by now you might benefit from professionel help to get this out of your system once and for all.

I imagine it's the bleating of "My granddaughter doesn't care about me. She was in Canada but couldn't be bothered to make a trip to see me. Remember that trip which nearly went awry etc" that's got on the OP's wick and made her revisit things.
It's got her back up. In the same way, when one of my relatives said it was awkward/they didn't know my kids/there was no relationship there, and the kids were still young at this point, all I could think was: my kids are nice to whoever's nice to them, it's not hard.
My eldest isn't in touch with them. This doesn't get mentioned. I know why she's not but they're oblivious. I'm more than aware in their heads, they've always been great gp and my DD is the ignorant one. If they were to castigate her or mention it to me, I'd tell them why/remind them of what they did. The OP is being guilt-tripped and is rightly defensive of her daughter, who didn't owe her grandfather/stepbrother a visit just because she was "only" five hours away, especially if she hasn't seen them in aeons and still doesn't really know them.
That will have been put at the OP's door but it takes two to make an effort and if one is rejected/never good enough/gets nothing back, then at some point you cut your losses and stick to Xmas cards!

It's weird, because from the OP I thought that they were flying from Japan to Heathrow.

I’ve only read the OP and this post.

😂

I think that may be all that’s needed.

A h sorry, reading back through the complaint about Montreal/Toronto was also a few years ago. They're 337 miles apart though!
OP, is your father alone now? Is your stepmum still alive?
I assume you are estranged to a degree or at least LC.
Has a very recent communication made you ruminate?
Your daughter hasn't seen him since the trip.
I assume you never repeated it yourself.
What was your husband's view on it all?
I think if you distance yourself to protect yourself and those you love then it is understandable. Your father, in his old age, cannot expect care from you and your assorted siblings if he left you when you were small.
I know some generations reunite/come back together again later but to what we owe each other often does stem from having had a proper relationship in the first place. I hope you are okay x

Obviously OP has had a recent encounter with her father that has triggered her current rumination on their entire relationship. The thread I've read doesn't give me the impression that OP has spent decades constantly fixating on the arrival at Auckland airport. Humans naturally evaluate and re-evaluate unusual life experiences at different life stages; well, intelligent and curious humans do. This thread really highlights that understanding and compassion are beyond many people.

Your father has another child who was adopted. Is this your full sibling OP? Sounds like this person really has the measure of your father though. What comes across through all your posts OP, is that both your parents were (and are) breathtakingly selfish & useless. You sound like a lovely Mum though and I hope you have a supportive, protective other half. Take care OP xx