Expecting to be met at Arrivals

[FarFarWay]

(OK, this a while ago - but |I have never cleared it up in my mind; I need other opinions.)

Travelling with an 8 year old, to meet people who I don't really know (even though technically family), and who the child has never met.

Two flights (one upgraded, the other downgraded, by comparison; no spare time in the airport in Japan, just a mad dash to find the plane!), about 22 hours in the air total, plus the travel down to Heathrow/check-in etc. (Also a week before Christmas). Almost the only child on the flight, and even though a "special meal", most of it was not to her liking - not fussy but never eaten sushi etc. So she was a bit hungry and tired when we landed.

The people we were to be staying with lived approx 40 minutes away.
Not only did a carful of people who my eight year old had never met, EVENTUALLY turn up - but we had to sit and wait for them to get there.

Before anyone says "Let it go....". The main player of that group has recently brought up the trip, and what a (not-quite-but almost-) disaster it was - but the then eight-year-old has never seen these (important, arguably) people ever again, and this is now being held against her by the main player.

Despite appearances, I am not a grudge holder but, in my over-thinking way, I have actually tried to figure out the actual science of this flight and how much time was needed for them to be there to greet us. And I am a bit pissed at the "they", as the delay was blamed on the wife element doing her hair, when she really did not need to come as well, as it made the whole thing into a bigger deal, when we - and especially my daughter - would have really appreciated it being casual and low key - let alone there actually be someone - anyone - present, when we came through the Arrival doors to ---- [crickets].

By my (bad) calculations, they didn't even set off until we landed.... but due to the time-travel aspect of hours behind/ahead, am I getting it wrong?

(PS - on the one hand, this light-hearted, but on the other - as I said, she has never seen them again, and so sometimes, it seems like it happened yesterday.)

@DryadsRest Oh, I'm so sorry that happened to you. How heartless and self-absorbed they can be. It feels like a test, with the odds not in your favour, no matter what you do,

There is also that one-sided element, when you are on the back foot from the start. When that is not how it should be at all!

To be relieved that he cannot hurt you again, is fully understandable - but very hard for those who have not had this kind of experience to see; it takes a big shift in perspective that people from "normal" families/backgrounds cannot always achieve.

It's not a great Club to be in - but I see how you feel, and appreciate your understanding too.

There is also that one-sided element, when you are on the back foot from the start. When that is not how it should be at all!

this sums it up so well! It was not so bad if I got to see him by himself but if his girlfriend was there it could be absolutely awful!!

I have just come back on mn and am amazed this thread is still going …..you have posted over 70 times and been online for 15 hours…..get to bed 🤣🤣🤣

@DryadsRest
Yes, I am grieving the loss of the --- hope. I just, even though he is still alive and I think well in mind and body, have given up now, It is hard, and has taken so long - I feel very sad that your brother has had this experience too. It's funny how there is such extreme loyalty in people who you would think could be heartless, cold and limited in their views. I know I'm not, and I bet he isn't either xx

l I haven't exactly been posting to myself; I'm responding to people, especially nicer ones. And I have not been online for 15 hours. I left and came back.
I am perfectly fine if you don't feel like engaging. You go to bed!

Yes, I call it the Power of the Plural.
My Father never says "I", always "We" [her and him] and he will never see me by himself, even though (and he knows it) she does more harm than good.
I see it as weak and pathetic, but it does create an extra hurdle to overcome, when there are quite enough already. It's unfair.

Thank you for being kind about my brother, you put it so well, I wish you well, maybe it could be worth seeing your Dad again but only if you can try and protect yourself from more pain?

I am going to sleep now -goodnight

Oh, that line....
(Now is that yawn because I am tired, or because you just said something so predictable).
Either way, you remark is uncalled for, don't you think? What does it matter to you, in all honesty.

@DryadsRest
It's a dilemma, for sure.

Goodnight, and thank for your kind words xx

hello again, just wanted to say love the power of the plural, so apt!

also I call my mother’s husband - my mother’s husband when talking of him never Stepfather….

So it wasn't really about being met at the airport...
x years ago, as you have decided not to tell us how long ago this trip was
hey ho

I do hope you didn't drive to the hardware shop or where ever it was when you did leave this thread for a little while as driving with blurred vision from a migraine is so dangerous...

It's really not.

So much more complicated than purely one factor - but did your father go to boarding school - mine did…..

Ah... Dad turns up late. Has his new wife and their two giants in tow who have also kindly come to greet you.
However, because they were late you can't get over it.

I'm getting it now.

YABU

@Biggaybear you need help with your reading and comprehension skills as like many others, you are clearly not grasping the op’s issues. (And some empathy wouldn’t go amiss either)

Yes definitely the Christmas present equivalent of competitive undereating.

If your child and GC were visiting you when you hadn't seen them for years would you seriously not think it would be nice to have some gifts for the child? Games to play? Even if it wasn't Christmas it seems a pretty normal thing to do.

If you seriously think that an 8 year old wouldn't appreciate a present at Christmas I can only assume you've never met, or been, an 8 year old.

@Iwasafool
🙏- yes, and as I have said, there was never much in the way of a gift (or anything) forthcoming from my Father - so it could never have been an expectation. But most little kids like to enjoy Christmas, and that's some part of it.
Thank you!

I may come back in a while with the "France incident" xx -
and that is from the very dim and distant past.

(internet is being a pain, as is laptop - and phone; maybe the tech Gods are trying to tell me something)

Yes, there's are so many elements - people are complicated, and also, as younger children, at the mercy of the whims of their parents, and the environment they are subjected to don't you think?

My Father did not go to Boarding School, but I do think that there were issues within his home, and between him and his brother that caused him to be the way he was - is. He then dumped me on the same parents that did the damage to him (sigh). I didn't have a chance really. Nature - fail; Nurture - fail.

But, in your Father's case, being sent away (as it would have seemed to him), would have shaped his character in a definitely non-standard way, and maybe he became of a very detached nature - at first, to protect himself and his feelings, but then it prevailing in his relationship with your brother? It must have been very tough.

I think that when we have a parent who has been really poor at parenting many of us want to give them some grace and hope that at some point before they die they may start to give us something of what was missing or even just some kind of apology.

In a lot of cases that sadly just does not happen. OP your dad sounds like he was a very poor parent to you as a child and that was not on you. It's certainly not on your dd either and it's highly unpleasant and manipulative for your dad to blame your dd.

Feeling hurt and angry sounds like a very appropriate reaction.

Is English your 1st language OP?

Why does that matter?

If you only read the first 15-20 of OP’s posts, have decent comprehension skills and a bit of empathy, you should be able to decifer what the real issues are.
It’s a lot deeper and more traumatic than being picked up late from an airport without a welcome banner, a big grin and a hug after a 22 hr non direct-flight however many years ago.

OP needs to heal and find peace by getting some therapy and deciding whether they want to go low contact (LC) or no contact (NC) with their Father.

PP - If you cannot be bothered or do not have the time to read the full thread (RTFT) before responding, please at least read the OP’s posts before responding.

Yeah I've read them, read the whole thread. My question still stands.

But why does it matter? Maybe English isn’t her first language, perhaps she just has an unusual style of communication? Knowing which it is, doesn’t affect the thread - her posts are her posts.

Thankfully, many posters have been quite able to understand op and her issues and she’s had some helpful responses, amongst the nastiness.