Expecting to be met at Arrivals

[FarFarWay]

(OK, this a while ago - but |I have never cleared it up in my mind; I need other opinions.)

Travelling with an 8 year old, to meet people who I don't really know (even though technically family), and who the child has never met.

Two flights (one upgraded, the other downgraded, by comparison; no spare time in the airport in Japan, just a mad dash to find the plane!), about 22 hours in the air total, plus the travel down to Heathrow/check-in etc. (Also a week before Christmas). Almost the only child on the flight, and even though a "special meal", most of it was not to her liking - not fussy but never eaten sushi etc. So she was a bit hungry and tired when we landed.

The people we were to be staying with lived approx 40 minutes away.
Not only did a carful of people who my eight year old had never met, EVENTUALLY turn up - but we had to sit and wait for them to get there.

Before anyone says "Let it go....". The main player of that group has recently brought up the trip, and what a (not-quite-but almost-) disaster it was - but the then eight-year-old has never seen these (important, arguably) people ever again, and this is now being held against her by the main player.

Despite appearances, I am not a grudge holder but, in my over-thinking way, I have actually tried to figure out the actual science of this flight and how much time was needed for them to be there to greet us. And I am a bit pissed at the "they", as the delay was blamed on the wife element doing her hair, when she really did not need to come as well, as it made the whole thing into a bigger deal, when we - and especially my daughter - would have really appreciated it being casual and low key - let alone there actually be someone - anyone - present, when we came through the Arrival doors to ---- [crickets].

By my (bad) calculations, they didn't even set off until we landed.... but due to the time-travel aspect of hours behind/ahead, am I getting it wrong?

(PS - on the one hand, this light-hearted, but on the other - as I said, she has never seen them again, and so sometimes, it seems like it happened yesterday.)

Oh, you're just goading now. Doesn't everyone know that "crickets" means, little or nothing happened....?

I did not want to say it was my Father and his wife at the start, so I used the wrong terms, as that was not really the point of the post at the start.

I never said it was an 8-year-old's fault, No-one did. I must have worded something else badly, for that to be something that people on here are picking up on.

It was probably all my fault but my inner petulant child says it was actually my Father's.

Yes. Bad sentence structure. My fault.
The fact she has never seen them again, is being held against her.

Not that the trip was a disaster - for me and them to a lesser extent, as they really couldn't give a s--t. Now, as then.

A few years ago, she was in Canada, and he was grumpy when he assumed that she wouldn't go from Toronto to Montreal to visit him, and her by now adult Uncle (my half-brother). She didn't know them! And the responsibility for that was not hers.

He never even asked her to, just assumed.

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff

You know, the sigh of relief I gave when I read your post.

Thank you a thousand times! xx

You get it!
Your kindness and calm perspective mean such a lot 💕

Regardless of where someone has travelled from surely they are travelling to see family not to see what gifts they can get? Presence not presents every time for me

@Coconutter24 We weren't going for the gifts. These two things were just mentioned as items for her to "pass the time".
He has never given her a Christmas gift - ever.
And I would always be given whatever the Reader's Digest Special Offer was...
if anything. Sometimes he just says he didn't feel like it.

I have nicknames for my parents -
The Sandwich Tray (Mother), and the Cheese Slice (him, on the day we were leaving NZ); the only presents I have ever had (apart from RD special offers).

He went into a mood that Christmas Day (not such a big thing there anyway, and no long break) as his wife bought him something he didn't like.

It's just as well I never expected anything much at all.

He sounds like an overgrown child

I've actually never heard of crickets as a term. So, no, everyone doesn't know.

I think he can be. In one of the few conversations that I have had with my S/Mother, she told me that both of her sons call her 'The Great Appeaser'.

She is right (not perfect) for him, as she laughs everything, and I mean everything, off. It's actually awful and seems so shallow - and I'm not sure of that's why they work as a couple, or if it is what she has developed to keep the marriage together. And is what he demands. Or else....

And at least one of my brothers believes that he has been emotionally harmed (he is still very successful though), and both have been divorced and one has left children behind.

Anyone would think the man is wonderful....
But when a son who had been adopted finally met him (was allowed to, that is), he said he thought he was a bit of a Weasel

OK. Sorry.
Every day's a school day.
x

Why Do We Say “Crickets” When It’s Silent? (mentalfloss.com)
I like the term.
It's similar to tumble weed.

If they live 40 minutes from the airport, that seems about the right amount of distance to leave once you touched down. 40 minutes for passport control and baggage reclaim is not unusual and airport parking is £££

OK then. But it's not the way I would do it.....
Scenario - I have not seen my daughter for almost eight years, and have convinced her to spend her own limited money to come visit.
I have only seen my grand-daughter once in that same eight years.
They have travelled halfway around the world, on two flights over two days.

I am NOT sitting on my arse at home until the very last minute, and am quite wealthy enough to pay for a parking spot for weeks if necessary. It has been arranged that I will meet them in Arrivals.

No WAY would I leave them to just come through the gates and not be met with welcoming open arms. No way at all.

I will meet them with balloons, a cuddly, and a great big smile. I will be there WAITING.

i would also leave everyone else at home; their arrival is just the start of the visit - no need to put any kind of pressure on two tired people who hardly/don't even know the other members of my family. Or force them to squash into the back seat of the car. That is what I would do to someone for whom I had no respect, or love.

A your response explains at least part of the family conflict.

@FarFarWay I absolutely would expect to have been met at the airport after such a long trip. It’s incredibly rude and dismissive of your father and other family members not to have made more of an effort. If you were my daughter then you would have been met by a bunch of balloons big enough to fly a house to South America (like in the film ‘Up’). It’s little wonder that this has been playing on your mind. Our parents are supposed to want our company and be pleased to be with us. Of course you feel hurt and angry and let down, and I’m sorry that it happened to you. It’s not just about the act of not being met at arrivals, far from it. Your father sounds like a difficult nobhead. And I knew what you meant by “crickets”. Wishing you and your daughter all the best.

My response to you explains zero about the family conflict.

Not everything on an internet forum is a true representation of someone's reality, or personality.
If it did, I would say that there are a lot nasty people on this thread....
but I am not going to say that what has been written here says anything much about them at all. Just trigger happy I suppose.

(And I thought I could make something out of nothing.)

@Hecatoncheires

Thank you! 😘
Somewhere in between too much and hardly anything would have been just lovely...

I get you OP.

Sounds like your DF has fucked off to the other side of the world to play happy families with his new wife and kids. Doesn't sound like he makes much effort with you or your daughter in general.

You then spent a significant amount of money and effort to travel 22+ hours to spend Christmas with him and his family.

It was a huge financial sacrifice - you must've had to make efforts to save etc of your DH couldn't afford to join.
It was a very long and tiring trip for you as a solo parent with a young, exhausted child.

You had hoped that after all this one-sided effort for a reunion with your father that he could a) have been at the airport waiting to collect you as you and your Dd would clearly be exhausted, hungry etc (a 40 minute wait after that travel isn't great when you just want to finally relax - despite what PPs have said). And b) you were hoping for you father to turn up alone to have some quality time together on the journey back to meet the others. Understandably a shy 8yo would be much more comfortable with this and it would have been much more low key.

However, you now feel like he couldn't even make the effort to be at the airport on time depsite only being a 40 min trip. In the other hand you'd just traveled from the other side of the world to see him - it was as if he wasn't that bothered and didn't see the need to make the effort depsite your own sacrifices to see him. Sounds very one-sided so I'm not surprised you feel put out.
The fact he was later suggests his wife perfecting her hair is more important than being there to collect you on time sounds like the ultimate insult and the final straw.

On top of all this your daughter was expected to be some kind on grateful performing seal, having just traveled 22hours without much to eat, and being faced with a group of people who are more-or-less strangers to her.

I'd have been livid too and think I'd have struggled with the rest of the trip - YANBU

Thank you @liverburd1 - that's it, in a nutshell, and you do understand. All aspects, including the performing seal (great analogy, sadly).

He has always behaved as though I should be grateful for any crumbs of interest or affection he might deign to cast my way - and as I have inferred, this was not the first time; there have unfortunately been prior occasions. This time, I suppose I wanted it to be (and thought it would!) different (= better), as my daughter, who was no harm to anybody, was involved.

Our Arrival did set the tone a bit, I think.. Hard to imagine how it would have been had it been handled a bit differently - with balloons and cuddlies and hugs!

I appreciate your understanding and concise analysis. You are brilliant - thank you so much.

Your dad sounds awful. You deserve so much better. I feel you're projecting your own hurt onto your daughter. I'm sure she doesn't care about any of this - she's got a good loving mother. Maybe you need to accept that your parents are deficient and that it's not your fault. Stop expecting them to behave like decent parents, stop trying with them. Your daughter has had an entirely different experience of life and these people probably rarely cross her mind

The picking up late isn't in itself a big deal (although my mum would be there an hour early in that scenario). But the rest of it is pretty terrible

@SaltAndVinegar2 Oh I don't doubt that you're right. I have tried not to, but it has been disappointing that she has had no grandparents to speak of, only her paternal grandmother, who has now died. I am projecting, although I try not to. And I would feel any hurt that she might feel x 1000.
It's just been a sad situation, and it is now too late (one of the first times I have said that) for it to be OK even in a small way.

If I am finally the one saying that there is no hope, and that there is no point, then that really is the case - as I would have tried (stupidly) to my last breath.

i would love to have had it be different and I always thought it would work out in some fashion. It is harder now than when I was younger, as I had all the time ahead to make it work out, which was an optimism that I didn't even realise at the time.

The when us important as it seems you've been carrying this around gir years. I dont know how accurate some if the other posters were but it looks like 15+. That is a long time. You need to let it go. Or get therapy. Just not healthy thinking about this so many teams later.......and over what ? That the people you were staying with were late picking you up from the airport ??????

Jesus, you really do need help.

I am sorry you have had this experience, I really like your poetic writing style, and it is evoking so many painful memories about my father. He too convinced me to make a ‘difficult for me’ visit to him at Christmas to his girlfriends house, her family and friends were there too - he didn’t let me know so many of them would be there beforehand and proceeded to ignore me whilst he chatted to her family and her friends. It probably sounds trivial.

But, I innocently thought I would be looked after and at least talked to. Given how he had gone at me so many times to go and see them. It just confirmed that I wasn’t really welcome, that I wasn’t really liked, that even though Christmas is a traditional time for families I came second to his girlfriend’s family. This was more than 10years ago and it is still painful. My father is dead now and sadly it has been a relief that he no longer has the capacity to emotionally hurt me.

there is something very crushing about having a wealthy father not help you when you are struggling or recognise your struggles, whilst simultaneously he chooses to cushion the lives of others around him

i would love to have had it be different and I always thought it would work out in some fashion. It is harder now than when I was younger, as I had all the time ahead to make it work out, which was an optimism that I didn't even realise at the time.

it sounds like you are grieving him. For me this is evocative of my brother’s relationship with my Dad, he always hoped for Dad’s approval and love, my brother is a very loyal person.

@Biggaybear
It's not simply about the Airport (lack of) welcome.... you must know by now.
Or even about that one trip. Although we could never know that that would be the only time he and his grand-daughter would meet, and that he simply would not (appear to) care; until he decides that his offended by apparent lack of interest in him.

But it was part of something much bigger - and representative of so much more. I want to say I am sorry you can't see that, even after "all" I said.

You sound heartless, but I'm sure you aren't really.

I should say grieving not having the father daughter relationship you’d longed for