Expecting to be met at Arrivals

[FarFarWay]

(OK, this a while ago - but |I have never cleared it up in my mind; I need other opinions.)

Travelling with an 8 year old, to meet people who I don't really know (even though technically family), and who the child has never met.

Two flights (one upgraded, the other downgraded, by comparison; no spare time in the airport in Japan, just a mad dash to find the plane!), about 22 hours in the air total, plus the travel down to Heathrow/check-in etc. (Also a week before Christmas). Almost the only child on the flight, and even though a "special meal", most of it was not to her liking - not fussy but never eaten sushi etc. So she was a bit hungry and tired when we landed.

The people we were to be staying with lived approx 40 minutes away.
Not only did a carful of people who my eight year old had never met, EVENTUALLY turn up - but we had to sit and wait for them to get there.

Before anyone says "Let it go....". The main player of that group has recently brought up the trip, and what a (not-quite-but almost-) disaster it was - but the then eight-year-old has never seen these (important, arguably) people ever again, and this is now being held against her by the main player.

Despite appearances, I am not a grudge holder but, in my over-thinking way, I have actually tried to figure out the actual science of this flight and how much time was needed for them to be there to greet us. And I am a bit pissed at the "they", as the delay was blamed on the wife element doing her hair, when she really did not need to come as well, as it made the whole thing into a bigger deal, when we - and especially my daughter - would have really appreciated it being casual and low key - let alone there actually be someone - anyone - present, when we came through the Arrival doors to ---- [crickets].

By my (bad) calculations, they didn't even set off until we landed.... but due to the time-travel aspect of hours behind/ahead, am I getting it wrong?

(PS - on the one hand, this light-hearted, but on the other - as I said, she has never seen them again, and so sometimes, it seems like it happened yesterday.)

Well, if we are answering the original question which was " AIBU Expecting to be met at Arrivals," then yes, the waiting time is relevant.

Sat waiting in McDonalds for 2 hours - YANBU

Sat waiting in McDonalds for 10 minutes - YABU

You could also make a case for OP being unreasonable regardless, because she was met in arrivals - the brief was filled but not to her satisfaction.

Oh, @FarFarWay this isn’t really about waiting at the airport, as you know.

It’s heartbreaking when a parent doesn’t do the job they should. It doesn’t matter how old you are, you can still feel the absence of proper parental love.

It doesn’t sound as if he’s ever go to be a decent father. I’d stop putting myself through it and focus on the family you’ve made xxx

Shhh, hide it’s the thread police ☺️

Always nice to be lectured on the law by someone who doesn’t have a clue. Did it not occur to you there was a reason my post made no mention of theft or stealing? I guess not….

The offence in the UK is known as unauthorised taking of a MV or TWOK (common vernacular ‘twocking’)

It’s where the intention to permanently deprive cannot be shown.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Takingwithoutowner'sconsent

In NZ it’s apparently called conversion of a vehicle

https://www.legislation.govt.nz/act/public/1961/0043/19.0/DLM330215.html

But you carry on shouting loudly (about something you clearly know nothing about).

I have absolutely no idea what any of this meant. Once I read responses from other posters saying the same I realised it wasn’t me but that the OP makes no sense

I think you're working something through - hence the confusion. Your father has been a largely absent figure; this has had a profound impact on you; and you are trying to make sense of it and/or come to terms with it. The problem is that you're still somewhat in the thick of things, which means that your relationship with him and his other family is still very much emotionally and psychologically active. You're not yet able to see it from a point of detachment.

This was an excellent post. So, ultimately, as this is an AIBU - I think YABU for engaging. You really don't have to grab the carrots he dangles. Drop the rope.

This is honestly the most lengthy, wordy post but yet so vague in many of the references.
I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say this is your daughter’s father and it was the wife getting her hair done, right?
All the beating around the bush (they, carful of people, main player, wife element) - so very weird, just call them what they are! This makes it difficult to understand the issue and not clear.
I agree with you - they should have tracked your flight and been waiting for you in arrivals. But to say you’re not happy with WHO turned up… well did you just expect her father, is that it? If you did, then why didn’t you discuss that with him at the time, and just tell him that? YABU to expect him to know that when you didn’t have that conversation. He’s not psychic.

They sound utterly incompetent to me. I wouldn't leave a visitor waiting at the airport following a very long journey.

Also, they need to grow up re the attitude towards you DD.

Sorry, where does the OP mention her daughter's age (that her daughter is an adult) now? "A while ago" could have been Christmas 2023 or Christmas 2003, I really can't tell from the OP's posts.

I understood OP. Basically her narcissistic father is currently trying to re-write history and OP is trying to make sense of it all. 'Crazy-making' is a feature of narcissists and OP's father is now making out that the trip was a disaster and it was her fault which is why she's trying to process it now.

OP, read this and see if any of it resonates:

https://thenarcissistinyourlife.com/no-one-believes-you-psychological-damage-caused-by-narcissistic-parent/

(Firstly, OP, you are getting very defensive when posters, quite reasonably, point out that your posts are hard to understand. Your first post talked about the "main player" and "wife element". No one can be expected to know what you mean. And in subsequent posts you bring up other seemingly random things, like an emery board. What does that have to do with anything?)

Obviously this isn't really about what happened at the airport an unspecified number of years ago, but rather about your complicated relationship with your father and stepmother. But the airport thing is what you asked about, so here goes.

I would be very hurt if I'd flown a very long way and the person who said they were going to meet me wasn't there in time. That's just basic manners. After a long flight like that, the last thing you want is to be hanging around at the airport waiting, You just want to get to your destination. Previous posters have talked about the cost of parking at the airport. My local airport, which is a medium sized international airport, has free parking for the first hour, and if you're there an hour or two it would only be a few dollars. Maybe other airports have more expensive parking, but as the person meeting a guest that's part of the cost of hosting. The least you can do is get there on time.

I think it's nice that your stepmother and brothers all came to meet you at the airport. I don't know how you could be upset with that. EXCEPT, that it meant there weren't enough seats in the car. Did they not think that through? I would have been very angry at that and my daughter being made to sit unsafely on a lap.

The rest of it is either normal after such a long journey (being tired, uncomfortable and grumpy) or else was things that you could have taken steps to mitigate. I'm sorry your 8 year old doesn't like sushi. I do think that's unusual. But what do you think you were going to be served on a Japanese airline? Even so, for such a long journey I think it's a good idea to pack snacks, especially when traveling with a child. It's also a good idea to pack lots of entertainment. It sounds like you didn't plan well for the length of the journey, and you want to take that out on your father.

Still, this is in the past (and possibly a long time in the past). I don't think dwelling on it is a good idea. If you can't get past it, maybe some therapy is a good idea?

The OP makes mention of a type of plane a PP has said has not been used on that route for 15 years.

She also mentions in other posts her half-brothers being 16-18 at the time but her SM being in her 70s now.

Various posters (including me) have said this means this all happened decades ago and the OP hasn’t contradicted this (and has ignored specific questions as to when all this happened).

this seems to be a classic case of a very intelligent but ND woman who has a very intelligent but narcissistic snob dad and who has spent her whole life trying to build some form of emotional relationship with him, but the two of them are unable to communicate on an emotional genuine level - so its all about appearances and miscommunications and interpretations of behaviour.....hence why the OP is so confused by it all and confused by people inability to understand the issues at heart. Ironically OP shows behaviour closer to him than she can probably see.

Don't let the snob rub off on you.... he won't change, neither will you. I'm sorry it was such a long way to go to see that the dynamic hasn't changed.

No, the OP’s father and stepmother.

Also, this seems to have happened long enough ago that tracking may not have been a thing - if it was, it certainly wasn’t as easy as today.

Hello OP
I have been the person who lives away and I am now the person who collects from the airport.
When I lived away, it was always nice to come through customs and see the person picking me up.
If they had made a sign or had flowers or were just waving like a mad thing, it's always nice. You feel welcome.
I never expected it but it was always a kind thing to do.
I would always have a Plan B in terms of cafe to sit in though, because of traffic, delays, human error etc

I am now the person who picks up.
I always try to get there on time, always.
I don't always make a sign (I think I will next time on the back of this thread!) but I am usually waving like a mad thing,
I think I've been late once.
Our back-up rendezvous place is always Gregg's. Can't beat a Gregg's.

I've also flown long haul once and it does for you - hangry, knackered, jet-lagged. I don't see an issue with waiting in Maccy Ds though and having at least a hot chocolate. Maccy has saved me on occasions including the above long haul when I had a Japanese maccys
Family reunions are always a bit of a mare when it comes to it, especially Xmas.
Your stepbrothers sound fab. Your stepmum needing to fix her hair and all four of them getting you wasn't a huge deal except for the fact you hadn't seen your Dad for a while, your daughter didn't know her grandfather and there was less space.

The colouring book/skipping rope were nice. My love language is acts of service though, yours might be receiving gifts. No judgement here, we all have different ones and it sounds like you've had none of them yourself as a child - particularly affirmation or quality time from and with your dad.

The long distance makes a difference, the lack of a real connection makes a difference and you can't be on wife no.3/new family, and expect to still be the big planet your kids are meant to orbit around.
The invitation was kind but if it's been 3 years, you'd have expected time off and a fuss made of the grandchild, even if they were virtual strangers. Kids don't need much to create a bond - and you're right, all kids love balloons.

If you haven't been back to NZ subsequently or they've not been to the UK, you can't build on that initial visit, especially once your kid is a teen - you can skype or email but it won't be the same as someone living in the same house/town/village. Your father must know that but protects himself or his ego from his part in it by pretending he's done more than he has or that his children don't facilitate the relationship.

You don't owe him just for him being a biological blood relative.
Take it easy on yourself. If he is feeling sorry for himself or doing a post-mortem evaluation of the holiday and judging on how well it went then let him but don't rise to it. It doesn't sound like self-awareness or genuine concern more like control issues/deflection. If he was expecting reciprocity down the line and you haven't delivered - it's up to you whether you wish to invite him back or how far you wanted to encourage your daughter with communication - you cannot be expected to do so out of fear, guilt, obligation or the inner child parent-pleasing, if you have felt he's been indifferent to you for most of your life.

Be kind to yourself. Dysfunctional/divided families are difficult. Many on here haven't experience it. Those on Stately Homes threads have if you need a safe haven to be heard xx
August 2024 - But we took you to Stately Homes! | Mumsnet

OP your writing style is peculiar to say the least. This for example...

"Beyond letting us stay under their roof - having been invited; I did not invite us - and witnessing their lives, no, they did not take care of us; I concealed this from my daughter, and she had as good a time as I could make it."

Too many split infinitives and independent clauses within your sentences. It makes it extremely difficult for the reader to follow what point you are trying to convey.

Do you speak like this?

Nice post @BastardsWant2PutUpMyPremiums The OP was certainly garbled but it’s clear from subsequent posts that the OP has been hurt by her father. Maybe people can stop being unpleasant to her now and let it drop that the OP was a hot mess.

yes rude

I hope I've understood this right:

You and your (then) eight-year-old daughter flew from the UK to NZ via Japan for Christmas. You don't state when this happened, but must have been at least eight months ago

You were staying with your father, stepmother and (presumably) half brothers.

You relationship with your father and stepmother was already - for want of a better term - tricky.

The flight, especially the second half, was tiring and long and not especially enjoyable.

When you arrived at the airport you expected to be met by your father/step mother. However, they were somewhat late arriving and so you had to wait at an airport McDonald's. They arrived late because - according to your father - your stepmother was doing her hair. They also brought their teen sons with them, marking the 40 min journey from the airport uncomfortable.

Elements of the trip weren't enjoyable and you didn't feel that you were looked after especially well. It hurt you.

Now, the trip has been mentioned by your father/step mother and you feel they hace unfairly criticised your daughter.

You feel aggrieved at this, about the trip as a whole - especially them arriving late to the airport and bringing their teens the behaviour of your father/stepmother.

Is that just about the jist?

My view is that the journey from the UK to Auckland is an awful one. I've done it multiple times and it's always hellish. It was a little thoughtless of your father & co. to be late collecting you but in the grand scheme of things it's just that: a bit thoughtless. You were always going to get off that plane feeling like shit and their thoughtlessness compounded that. I get it.

However, you're being very, very, unreasonable to complain about this all this time later. That's not to say your stepmother isn't also being unreasonable in her recent complaint. But for you to complain now is incredibly petty.

But I don't think the late collection is the issue here.

What this sounds like to me is that you're angry/upset/frustrated with your father in general and how he's failed to maintain a relationship with you or establish much of one (any?) with your daughter.

You saw the trip as an olive branch of sorts and it didn't go how you had hoped it would for a variety of reasons and it really hurt you.

That's entirely understandable.

And now your stepmother has mentioned the trip and criticised your daughter and that's hurt intensely and you feel it's unfair... Because she was a little girl, she didn't misbehave, and you feel that her grandad and step grandmother weren't exactly welcoming.

The issue here is the relationship with your father, or lack of it, and all the shit that needs to be unpacked with how you see him, how you feel he treated you years ago, in your childhood, on this trip and now.

If you want a relationship with your father - or for your daughter to have one - I'd recommend you explore mediation and therapy.

This will help you make sense of your feelings now and address the issues you have with your dad in a way that seeks to reconcile, repair and move forward rather than reopening old wounds for the sake of it.

At the end of it, you may decide you want to go no contact or low contact. But working through what appears to be a lot of emotional trauma via therapy will help you to be happier and will help you break any cycle of trauma with your own daughter.

So YABVU to complain about being collected late.
YANBU to feel hurt by your overall experience on the trip and what's happened more recently.

Given how much UK airports charge for parking these days, I never expect anyone to arrive before I land and wait around for me. If anything, I encourage them to find somewhere about 20-40 minutes away so I can let them know when I've actually landed, retrieved luggage and made it through passport control.

Hey @FarFarWay, I don't know why you're getting so much stick for your OP. I understand your issue.

It's clear the issue is deeper than your father's actions on that day.

You have to accept that people are the way they are and you can't control that. You can only control how you feel and how you respond to it.

That’s what any sensible person does.

Her OP is about her relationship with her father. Its been triggered by how he talked to her recently and blamed her and his GD for not seeing him enough and the GD for "disaster" of the visit.
OP says at the very start "this a while ago - but I have never cleared it up in my mind; I need other opinions."
The airport greeting issue was an example of how he made her feel. But she moves on to discussing other issues with her father. That's the key phrase. She's trying to clear it up in her mind.

What I was trying to say, given her other issues then the exact year (and she says its a while ago) doesn't really matter. It happened.
The wait time, as I've said before many people have already gone into great detail about how difficult it is to predict the exact time someone will walk through the arrivals gate.
Whether it's 20 minutes or two hours. However She found a relatively comfortable place to sit down, where she could have had food/water etc. She wasn't waiting at a bus stop in the rain.
However long she was waiting. She thought it was too long. She feels how she feels. They did arrive to meet her and drove her to their home
The exact times and dates become less relevant when you read her updates, which are where she talks about her relationship with them. She mentions the airport arrival as its clearly a memory which triggers this..
So I don't understand why people are still demanding times and dates in capital letters when the discussion has moved on.