Expecting to be met at Arrivals

[FarFarWay]

(OK, this a while ago - but |I have never cleared it up in my mind; I need other opinions.)

Travelling with an 8 year old, to meet people who I don't really know (even though technically family), and who the child has never met.

Two flights (one upgraded, the other downgraded, by comparison; no spare time in the airport in Japan, just a mad dash to find the plane!), about 22 hours in the air total, plus the travel down to Heathrow/check-in etc. (Also a week before Christmas). Almost the only child on the flight, and even though a "special meal", most of it was not to her liking - not fussy but never eaten sushi etc. So she was a bit hungry and tired when we landed.

The people we were to be staying with lived approx 40 minutes away.
Not only did a carful of people who my eight year old had never met, EVENTUALLY turn up - but we had to sit and wait for them to get there.

Before anyone says "Let it go....". The main player of that group has recently brought up the trip, and what a (not-quite-but almost-) disaster it was - but the then eight-year-old has never seen these (important, arguably) people ever again, and this is now being held against her by the main player.

Despite appearances, I am not a grudge holder but, in my over-thinking way, I have actually tried to figure out the actual science of this flight and how much time was needed for them to be there to greet us. And I am a bit pissed at the "they", as the delay was blamed on the wife element doing her hair, when she really did not need to come as well, as it made the whole thing into a bigger deal, when we - and especially my daughter - would have really appreciated it being casual and low key - let alone there actually be someone - anyone - present, when we came through the Arrival doors to ---- [crickets].

By my (bad) calculations, they didn't even set off until we landed.... but due to the time-travel aspect of hours behind/ahead, am I getting it wrong?

(PS - on the one hand, this light-hearted, but on the other - as I said, she has never seen them again, and so sometimes, it seems like it happened yesterday.)

So if she "behaved fine" then what have they said she did wrong?

It really isn’t!

I think this is ultimately like my DC DGP.

My parents made visits harder in a variety of small ways and made everyone less inclined to visit again especially as it works out expensive for us - though not international flight expensive. Years later there is subtle blame from them and others they haven't seen more of the kids and know them much less well.

Mean while IL who I don't get on well with and who were very difficult when kids were really young have last decade made it super easy to visit and show interest in kids and us when we do. So we go more often and thus they know the kids really well.

Often the little ways can seem petty or minor in themselves but add to costs or add to view you just aren't as welcome as expected. I do often feel guilty about about not going over more but remember how hard and how much extra expensive they made any visits and shrug and get on with life.

Big hugs OP.

I understand why you tried to keep things short in your posts, but I think this is one of those situations where the back story really does matter.

If you'd had a loving and present father, a decent relationship with your stepmother, ongoing and proper contact - then none of it would have mattered. Because none of the things that your father got wrong (being late to meet you, disappointing gifts for your DD, not taking time off work) would have mattered one jot, you would still have had an amazing time. But because your father is, quite frankly, by your account an unpleasant and selfish man.

Just remember - just because he fathered you, doesn't mean you have to accept him as a father to you. You're better than him and always will be.

You mean the OP had to explain to her father that he had invited her to visit and had offered to pick her up from the airport? I don't know why she'd need to communicate anything other than the date and time she was arriving.

You can now (couldn't when I was collecting my friends), but a) not everyone knows that and b) sometimes people plan their day around the time that they need to leave to collect someone, so checking can work well if they are late, but less well if they are early.

My question is relevant.

All your posts are very confusing and I can't make head or tail of them.

How long ago was this? It's obviously not ideal that they were late to the airport but it's hardly the end of the world either! I can't help wondering why you're still dwelling on it - in the grand scheme of things, it's a slight annoyance surely?

Do not criticise others when what you've written seems like a lot of waffle.
Write it down in clear sentences that actually make sense and you might get better replies.

Do you speak like this in real life? And do you get it from your father? Because I can kind of understand the disconnect and why you have a difficult relationship.

With regard to whether you're BU unreasonable or not, trying to follow what the issue is was tricky, but I think you are about some of it and aren't about some of it? As hard as it may be when it's a family relationship, I'd say just focus on your immediate family (husband and daughter), and give up on difficult family relationships like your father and his wife unit or however it was you described her 😂

No. Your OP is completely incomprehensible. It makes no sense.

Sorry.

I've read it three times now and it still is gibberish.

You’re OP wasn’t really very clear but I’m sure you know that the amount of people that have said it lol.

The preparation they made for her coming was getting her a "colouring book, and a skipping rope"....
Sounds quite a nice gesture tbh, what more was you expecting?

I think all we learn from family dynamics like this as the usual suspects will NEVER fail to let you down.

One thing he's given you is the knowledge of how to be a good parent. By being the opposite of him/them. You'll never put your DD through this crap, will you?

There wasn't enough room in the car!!

OP, can I recommend some reading?

https://www.amazon.co.uk/How-Do-Work-Recognise-Patterns/dp/1409197743

I’m not saying YOU are the problem, but it does sound as though your relationship with your father has hurt you deeply and for a long time. This book is so, so good at helping people understand where their feelings come from in these kinds of situations …

This is an excellent post and @FarFarWay your response completely misses the point. Come to terms with the fact that your father isn't a loving kind parent and build your resilience accordingly. If that means no contact, that's a feasible option. You say you're not hoping for carrots but you're still letting his comments bother you.

I know it's hard, I'm currently coming to terms with the fact that my (present, generally okay if somewhat aggressive and emotionally manipulative/abusive) father has turned on me at the age of 34 and I'm looking at NC to protect myself. Unfortunately it's life, you can't control other people's actions, only your own.

@Iwasafool This was his daughter and granddaughter and he hadn't seen them for years. So yes I'd expect him to jump at the chance to pick them up.

You might, but you appear to be coming at this from the perspective of a healthy family dynamic and not really understanding that other scenarios exist.

No, it was years ago. Despite multiple people asking, the OP hasn’t said how many years but one PP has said JAL haven’t flown that plane on that route for 15 years and the OP hasn’t said that’s wrong so at least that long.

It sounds like this happened long enough ago that it’s possible that wasn’t something that could be done.

ok... What happened?

Maybe re-read her posts?

You've missed bits

Completely agree with this.
It wasn't just a trip, it was a chance to heal the father wounds he has repeatedly inflicted on Op

Sadly that didn't happen and in fact it made the Op feel even worse.
It's hard to convey what it means to be picked up on time, to be treated well and welcomed unless you have a toxic parent/ family
Op I think that it's time to listen to what he is telling you
" I'm a shit father"
Stop chasing and trying to heal the wounds, go NC and book a good therapist.
His shit parenting does NOT define you, break free

What time of day did you land in Auckland?

This and almost everything else in this jumbled post. Possibly AI and a bad one at that.

This thread is the Mumsnet Vipers at their absolute best worst

You don't like the OP's writing style? So? Move on

You don't understand? Ok. Either ask questions nicely or move on.

You don't agree with her? Maybe you've missed some points, but even so, no need to be nasty about it.

Would you all talk to her like that in real life? Or is it just because you're behind a keyboard

Same as tumbleweed...