Expecting to be met at Arrivals

[FarFarWay]

(OK, this a while ago - but |I have never cleared it up in my mind; I need other opinions.)

Travelling with an 8 year old, to meet people who I don't really know (even though technically family), and who the child has never met.

Two flights (one upgraded, the other downgraded, by comparison; no spare time in the airport in Japan, just a mad dash to find the plane!), about 22 hours in the air total, plus the travel down to Heathrow/check-in etc. (Also a week before Christmas). Almost the only child on the flight, and even though a "special meal", most of it was not to her liking - not fussy but never eaten sushi etc. So she was a bit hungry and tired when we landed.

The people we were to be staying with lived approx 40 minutes away.
Not only did a carful of people who my eight year old had never met, EVENTUALLY turn up - but we had to sit and wait for them to get there.

Before anyone says "Let it go....". The main player of that group has recently brought up the trip, and what a (not-quite-but almost-) disaster it was - but the then eight-year-old has never seen these (important, arguably) people ever again, and this is now being held against her by the main player.

Despite appearances, I am not a grudge holder but, in my over-thinking way, I have actually tried to figure out the actual science of this flight and how much time was needed for them to be there to greet us. And I am a bit pissed at the "they", as the delay was blamed on the wife element doing her hair, when she really did not need to come as well, as it made the whole thing into a bigger deal, when we - and especially my daughter - would have really appreciated it being casual and low key - let alone there actually be someone - anyone - present, when we came through the Arrival doors to ---- [crickets].

By my (bad) calculations, they didn't even set off until we landed.... but due to the time-travel aspect of hours behind/ahead, am I getting it wrong?

(PS - on the one hand, this light-hearted, but on the other - as I said, she has never seen them again, and so sometimes, it seems like it happened yesterday.)

I really really really want to know when this trip was.

I think it was quite a long time ago.

To be honest, I don't know if I do.
She certainly doesn't care how I feel about her.
Why should she - and also taken her lead from my Father.

I wish she had been better towards me; I would have liked to have her as a mother-figure. I didn't have a real one when she came on the scene.

@EarthsGentleGiants
You are sooo right. Thank you.
I can't type now, vision has gone due to headache/migraine - but I am also reading your post through eyes swimming with tears. (Self-pity mainly, I guess.)

Gosh this is so wearing.

Bless you x

i hope getting this down has made you see the wood for the trees a bit op @FarFarWay

So basically

• You went to visit your Dad and his wife in NZ at Christmas
• He turned up at the airport to collect you with his wife and kids which you didn't appreciate as you don't like your step-mum and her "giant" kids (weird) and just wanted to see your dad.
• They were slightly late in getting there (40 minutes is actually nothing - I've been delayed coming through passport control plenty of time resulting in people having to wait at arrivals for over an hour for me!) so you resented having to wait for them.
• Your daughter didn't like the sushi on the plane, nor would she eat a McDonalds when you landed which is also somehow your Dad and step-mums fault?
• They didn't do enough to accommodate your daughter and "only" bought her a skipping rope and a colouring book
• It was a "disaster" of a trip for reasons you haven't mentioned
• You're still thinking and talking about it 9 months on.

I have only read the OP (sorry!).

Yes, your dad should have picked you up on time. He should have planned better and been waiting for you in Arrivals considering the length of your journey, and the fact you were travelling with a child he had not met.

the then eight-year-old has never seen these (important, arguably) people ever again, and this is now being held against her by the main player.

No, they should not hold anything against a child. That is unfair.

You are right and they are wrong.

(edited to add, have only read the OP's posts.)

Has op said how long she waited? I get the impression it was 40mins max but maybe less?

It has made me feel that I was very very wrong.
He was right - or they were/are.
It's just been too much - and never got any better,
I am pathetic to have even raised it as a issue (and I didn't at the time).

OP, HOW LONG WERE YOU SAT AT MCDONALDS WAITING FOR THEM?

I feel like OP was on speed when she wrote this

I don’t think you were wrong though- I mean, perhaps about the collection from the airport part, but only because that was a minor inconvenience in what sounded like a bit of a shit trip. He’s not a good dad. You need to let go - your life will be infinitely better without someone unfairly blaming you for this poor relationship.

I think it’s great that they wanted to come, to greet you and your daughter. I agree it’s unfortunate that they were late and that there wasn’t much room in the car, but IMO you’re making a grievance out of nothing, as far as that part of your story is concerned.

I don't remember.

I think that my Father by himself should have been waiting for us.
That's all.

And if they were all going to be there, make a "thing" of us getting there.

All they had to do was drive 40 minutes - correction; all HE had to do was drive 40 minutes.

Had it not been a plan to meet us, we would for sure have arranged transport. But also we would not have been staying in their house.

WE also should not have even gone, to be honest!

Really can't understand the harsh comments you're getting. Your OP was perfectly fine to understand.

If I hadn't see my df for years I would be upset that he wasn't so excited to see me and his GD that he arrived on time. It's not that hard to check flight details, and wasn't that hard even before the internet.

I wish!

What a pointless comment. Please don't bother.
Or, yes, just carry on talking between yourselves.
My God.

With respect, we don’t know if she was waiting 5 minutes or 5 hours. All we know is he wasn’t in the arrivals hall with a welcome sign.

I think when you have had a long flight it's just exhausting to be waiting even longer when you arrive I think the idea of meeting you was a nice idea but not a practical one. When you meet someone at the airport one party is hanging around either the greeters or those arriving. It's done now, to be honest I don't think it's your fault nor your dad's. Sorry OP I can understand why you are upset.

@FarFarWay your feelings are entirely valid, I totally understand why this would be incredibly painful.

Some people (usually men) seem to be able to just up and leave one family and move on and start another with seemingly little regard for those that are left behind. And the most infuriating part is the lack of acknowledgement or understanding of what they have done (in their eyes they are usually wonderful fathers and it is always someone else's fault).

You look at your own children and can't comprehend how anyone could do that.

Was the trip disastrous because you were prickly and abrupt every time your hosts spoke to you? I can see how that could have happened.

that is so unkind and unhelpful

dont kick someone when they are down @LoobyDoop2

OP - Unfortunately posting on AIBU means that a post like yours doesn't tend to get the answers you want and need.

I think you're working something through - hence the confusion. Your father has been a largely absent figure; this has had a profound impact on you; and you are trying to make sense of it and/or come to terms with it. The problem is that you're still somewhat in the thick of things, which means that your relationship with him and his other family is still very much emotionally and psychologically active. You're not yet able to see it from a point of detachment.

This means that, while still trying to work things through, you bring what you want to work through to another audience (this one) ... and you end up getting more of the same as you did with your father. All the posters bringing you down are mirrors of your relationship with him and your experience in NZ to a greater or lesser degree. So you come away continuing to think you're the problem, no?

If so, no, you're not; but unless and until you work through your original pain and confusion, you'll keep getting it in different forms with different people and situations. It isn't called "repetition compulsion" for nothing.

This is a long-winded way of saying that I think your father was out of order. It seems very clear, though, that he was out of order well before your NZ trip, and it was your hope that things might have changed that was dashed. And then your own daughter became unwittingly involved too. Dysfunction is a family problem, as you can see.

Have you tried therapy/counselling? That can be hugely beneficial in breaking patterns and freeing yourself from the kind of self-blame that is often inculcated in children of abusive and/or unavailable parents.

All the very best.

Hey, it’s open forum! Your posts are a little chaotic…

For what it’s worth, if they had offered to meet you then they should’ve been there to meet you (or at least apologised for being late). So YANBU about that.

On first read your issue sounds trivial but I think the deepest hurt comes from your father not being strong enough or passionate enough about prioritising you. It feels shit. This is how relationships tail off.