An insight into the mindset of someone who is persistently late.

[deviantfeline]

There's always loads of posts on AIBU about people who hate those who are persistently late and how there no excuse for it. Also lots of people claiming 'time blindness' or inability to plan that causes it.

I'm often late. I hate it but my brain doesn't seem to be able to calculate periods of time in a way that means I can plan appropriately. Today was one of those even though I thought I totally had this. Reflecting on what went wrong here's a timeline.

I needed to get a train at 12pm to a meeting. They are once an hour and so couldn't miss it. I set an alarm at 11am that told me to go and get ready to leave for the station. It's a 3 minutes drive and a 2 minute walk from the car park. I know that at this time it's hard to get a parking spot so I factor in time to find one. I'll leave at 11.40 ish then. I spent the morning working from home.

11- alarm goes off. I think oh I've got loads of time and carry on working thinking I'll stop at 11.15 and get myself ready.
11.15 - think I'll finish the email I'm writing
11.23 - finish email and pack bag
Realise my make up and hair need a touch up and I've got loads of time so do that
11.32 - result. I'm done and ready to go with time to spare. This is easy! Find coat and shoes, locate car and door keys, put cups in dishwasher, find umbrella as it's now raining and my phone charger, kiss dog goodbye and give her a treat, lock up house.
Get in car. Somehow it's now 11.47?! How the hell did that happen? It was 11.32 wasn't it? Fuck fuck fuck.
11.52 - arrive at car park having had to stop at a zebra for 2 mins for loads of people crossing. Hadn't factored in the high street would busy as it's midday.
No car parks as predicted! Drive back up the street and finally find one. It's 11.58. Grab my stuff and sprint and get on the train as the doors are closing.

Despite my planning i screwed it up again. I've noticed that I have a time blindness for the time it takes between 'I'm ready' and actually going. In my mind that would take 30 seconds yet it somehow took 15 minutes?!

Its almost worse when I leave plenty time as my brain starts telling me I've got time to do other stuff rather then just leaving! Also I can't visualise the time passing since I looked at the time at 11.32 and getting in the car. That time seems to be the black spot for me to time manage with any ability.

Crisis only slightly averted but I'm soo cross with myself. So you 'on timers'. What would you have done differently and what was my biggest error?

So if you were meeting someone who ran even later than you, and had to wait half an hour for them, would you be annoyed or accept that it was just how they were?

You should have set your alarm for 10.45, not 11.00 and stopped working as soon as it went off. Why did you carry on btw? You must have thought that you needed to stop at 11 otherwise why set the alarm for that time?

I totally get it! I’m exactly the same. I don’t understand how, when getting ready for work, it can be 8.30 when I’m ready, to being 8.45 to getting in the car! I live a 10min walk away but still have to take the car & even then I’m a few minutes late! I don’t understand where I lose the time! I think I imagine I have more time than I actually do & don’t realise how long the little things I do between being ready, to getting in the car, actually take, like getting a drink & snack to take to work, finding keys/lanyard…they seem to disappear every time I put them down…grabbing coat & bag. How can those little bits take so bloody long?!? I often wish I could apparate like Harry Potter 🤦‍♀️

OP setting an alarm for 11 o'clock was your first mistake. I always get to stations and airports far earlier than I need to. I'd have set an alarm for 10 and aimed to leave the house at 11, then be at the station for 11.30 by the latest. The reason for this is being early makes me happy and calm. There are so many things that can go wrong I practice 'just in case'.

We were always late as children, due to dm trying to fit one more job in before we left. I hated it. So my morning for a meeting where the train (station is 20-25 minute drive away, and parking would be about 5 minute's walk) was at 12 would be:

1. Train at 12, want to make sure I'm there on time, so I'll go for the train before at 11:30.
2. At 10, check bag (which I packed last night) has everything needed, check tickets on phone. Put phone to charge if needed.
3. 10:15 Have a drink and something to eat.
4. 10:30 find keys and put them with phone, check if trains are running on time/google maps route to station clear.
5. 10:35 make sure back door is locked, and windows closed if no one is home (especially ds' window that he tends to leave wide open).
6. 10:40 go to the loo.
7. 10:45, pick up bag, phone and keys leave.
8. 11:10 arrive at station. Drive straight to back of station where there will be spaces and park.
9. 11:15 arrive at station and wait for train at 11:30.

It's lovely knowing you're there and ready. Then when I arrive half an hour early at the other end, I can take a leisurely route to where I'm going and enjoy where I am.

As I have said upthread,surely the first step is to train yourself to change activities tosomething very different when the alarm goes off. no snoozing the alarm, no continuing for just one minute, CHANGE ACTIVITY. once you have got that nailed then you can use that skill to get yourself away from computer/dishwasher and out the door.

Remember stations and airports have WiFi, so get there early and use it to do tasks if you must. My son is constantly late and I’ve given up getting upset. If we’re meeting, I wait 10 minutes and then go home without any argument. If he misses a train or flight, well that’s his problem, as an adult, to sort out.

How can you possibly think you’re ready at 8.30 if you don’t have your drink, snack, keys, lanyard, coat and bag? You’re not remotely ready by then, and of course those things take time.

this and the lady mentioned at the work meal - there’s a whole group who can say “we are not waiting”. It’s not as though one person has to suffer the ire of the crazy spoiled person? So why do people give in? I don’t get it.
I think this has been the first thread ever I've seen on this subject where the majority of responses haven't been, Oh poor you! So awful for you, of course everyone should work to your schedule and you being late should never be acknowledged and anyone who does is HORRIBLE!!' So noone will have wanted to be the person to be the first to say anything!

Love it when the first response is the simplest and best.. This… alarm at 11.. leave! If that involves 10 small activities and a touch up fine but your alarm at 11 was the time to just start leaving. If that meant you arrived 20mins early even better. Change your alarm title to “leave now do not do anything else I don’t have time” 😉

Well there must be something you are doing during that 15 minutes that’s taking time. I can’t imagine just putting shoes and coat on will take 15 minutes unless you’re also staring into space at the same time. So why are you then getting yourself a drink? You’re obviously not ready but then wonder why it’s taken you 15 minutes to get in the car. If you are ready, just get your coat and shoes on, get in the car and set off. It shouldn’t take a whole 15 minutes.

It's that last bit at the end, give dog a treat, put cups in dishwasher, touch up hair. My DH is the worst for this. He seems to need another 20 minutes faffing around the house after we should have left. He's left our children in the car crying while he's popped back in for 2 minutes to check the door are locked and been gone for 20! It's the sought of thing that can loose you a job or ruin a marriage. You need to get a grip of it. DH has missed the wedding ceremony of two close friends as he didn't leave enough time and arrived half way through and couldn't then go into the ceremony. It's not good at all.

I am genuinely never late. For those timings, I would have stopped what I'm doing at 11am. Got myself ready until 11:15. Left the house at 11:30 as I would have thought if I'm early I'll just grab a tea and read my book for a few moments. I always aim to arrive somewhere 15 mins before I need to in case anything delays me. I never need to run or rush.

I used to be like the OP, always 2 minutes late for everything, despite trying my hardest every single day to be on time. Then I read “early is on time, on time is late, late is unacceptable”. I realised I was aiming to arrive on the dot every day, eg exactly at 9am, and that just wasn’t working. Now, I aim ridiculously early for things, eg meeting friends at 7pm down the road? AIM to leave at 6pm! And there’s always a minimum of 20 minutes for last minute wee, comb hair, pack bag, grab phone, lock door etc, the things that time used to eat! It takes a bit of extra planning for me, and I’m still usually only a few minutes early, but it saves me a huge amount of stress and frustration! It just needs a change of strategy! 😊

I was always taught that other people's time was just as valuable as mine and that one arrives on time, or marginally early out of general decency and politeness.

I agree with the above comment. On time is not early, it is on time. Lateness is just unacceptable although is normally fully understood if circumstances outside your control and you are regarded as a punctual and polite individual.

What is the point in setting alarms as an aid and then completely ignoring them?

Sorry but I think there is an element of stupidity, lack of consideration for others and selfishness that comes into play with persistent lateness that is completely avoidable 99.9% of the time.

I'm a chronically early person, so am at the other extreme where I'm always waiting around trying to kill time. Living in Spain this is a problem as 90% of other people are always late. You should move here 😂

I know it shouldn’t. That’s the whole point. I get easily distracted & I'm probably faffing around or something, & I need to take a fresh drink with me otherwise I wouldn’t get a drink till lunchtime.

If you’re not by the door with your coat on & your drink, snack, keys & lanyard in your bag, you’re not ready, so start factoring in 20 mins for getting all that together. Better yet, put keys & lanyard in your bag & prep your drink & snack the night before - set an alarm to do that if necessary, so all you need to do is grab them.

My DC sets multiple alarms/reminders. I think your biggest error was setting it so early. Set one for five minutes before you need to leave that has a half hour notification on it. I use Calendar to write in when I need to leave and use the 30 minutes notification on that. The time you must leave by is part of your journey.

Also factor in fifteen minutes lost time. I call it the "***" Factor after my DHs family who can never leave on time. You will magically lose these fifteen minutes whilst trying to leave the house. So you won't have fifteen minutes to fix hair etc because it's part of that magic lost time. If you need to leave by 10:30, plan to leave by 10:15. If you're ready by 10:15, great but unlikely. And this Factor also includes stuff like Zebra Crossings.

And that is the point everyone is trying to make. Usually when people faff about it means they’re usually keeping someone else waiting who has arrived on time. I don’t understand when people need to be somewhere at a certain time, why it doesn’t register with them that they need to just leave the house. The drink could have been sorted earlier, or you could maybe stop at the shop to get a drink. Personally, if I was in a rush and was pushed for time I would just be out of the house without the drink and sort that issue out later either on my way to or arrival at my destination.

Are you my eldest daughter?!! 🤣

@deviantfeline I'd maybe do this once, I wouldn't make the same mistake over and over.
Ask yourself this: what made me miss the train? What will I do next time to ensure I make the 12 o'clock train?
Can I complete any of these tasks on the train or in the carpark?
If the answer is yes, then do these things.

I can relate to a lot of what the OP says. I have made the effort recently to be less late OP. One technique which has worked well is to work backwards so rather than think oh the tasks I need to do before I leave the house will take me x minutes I work backwards and do the tasks in the opposite order I'd normally do them. E.g. find keys and put them in the door, pack my handbag or kids bags, get dressed/shower ans any household tasks. Basically get ready early and then use any spare leisure time for stuff I'd have liked to do before getting ready to leave. There usually isn't much time but it means I leave when I want. And always aiming to leave the house 15 mins before I think we should actually leave. Because it always takes 15 mins extra to actually move off in the car than I think it will.

No. Not this ^.

Late people do not value their time more than others, if said person has ADHD. I have heard this trope trotted out so many times, by ill- informed people and it’s rude and disrespectful, to the point of sneering. 😞 “ I can do it easily, if only you tried …”. Do you think we haven’t?

If it was as simple as suggested, people with ADHD would not be late.

When you know one person with ADHD, You know one person with ADHD.

We are not all the same. 🫣

Until Neurotypical individuals offer compassion and/or at least some understanding towards someone living with this disability (and is a Registered Disability) we will be judged and shamed for something we cannot always control. 💐

Just as we have been disciplined and shamed our whole lives, to the tune of 20,000 more negative comments than our NT peers by the age of 10. 🥺

OP, I have (late diagnosed) ADHD and have struggled with time blindness my whole life, only recently (I’m 53) understanding and finding some coping mechanisms which can help. These do not always work, but my most recent find … snooze! Snooze your alarm and rather helpfully your alarm gives you a regular 9 minute odd warning of time passing. I don’t stop the alarm until I have done the task required and it does seem to help stop me getting too distracted.

If you research Executive Functions, you will find some interesting reading, ways to help and hopefully lessen the internal self-shaming that occurs when our detailed planning fails 🤪

I’ve had a lifetime of being shamed for things I cannot help and I’m old enough and ugly enough to stand up to the unfairness, especially when it’s being thrown about by people who don’t realise or understand the struggle.

Look on the positive side.

You caught the train! That’s a win 🏆 xx

Really you just put some random alarms on your phone. There was no plan.

pack your bag so you ready to go.
set several alarms- first a warning you need to go and wrap up what you are doing. Second means STOP. Next one means get to the car. Next one means leave / drive. Next one is YOU ARE LATE - MOVE.

only you know how much time you need between the alarms but you need to be honest- if you want 15 mins to prep your hair plan it. To miss a train to do your hair which you could have done on the train? Madness.

if car parking is bad I would never have allowed just 20 mins to drive and park. You need to build in MORE CONTINGENCY.

I have a 50 min rural drive to station. I allow 90 mins for all the things that can go wrong. What’s wrong with being early? I go to catch a flight- allow 3 hrs. CONTINGENCY. Even more RELAX.

How do you manage work deadlines if you can’t plan and assess time?