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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Treating grand children fairly?

111 replies

Tryintoparent · 26/08/2024 20:20

MIL has 5 grandchildren in total. A day out was planned to a funfair for all of them.
Two of the grand kids were unwell on the day so couldn’t go.
MIL gave the 3 ‘well’ children £20 each to spend at the funfair. The question is, should she have given £20 to the other two as well who were unwell?

YABU - she shouldn’t have given the two unwell kids money as it was given to spend at the fair.

YANBU - all of the kids should’ve been treated the same and all given £20 each

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 28/08/2024 07:19

Yabu

But the others are bu for letting you and the ill grandkids find out about this the shouldn't have been rubbing it in

Boomer55 · 28/08/2024 07:27

Sometimeswinning · 27/08/2024 01:05

Really need to appreciate my parents more! They would, without a doubt give my kids the same. It wouldn’t even be a question. Sorry for those of you who have missed out on this. My parents are just really fair when it comes to their children/grandchildren. What one gets the others get.

To be honest, I agree with you. As a gran of 5, I would have given the poorly pair their £20 each to treat themselves when they felt better. I treat them all equally.

Perhaps it’s just me….🤔

GreatMistakes · 28/08/2024 07:31

Yabu. There is no way to be fair though is there? When the healthy 2 get £20 and buy some toyshop tat, the other 3 will moan that they would rather have had a toy 🙄

The £20 was like part of the cost of a ricket- there to make the fair a better experience and for grandparents to build memories. It wasn't £20 for everyone and those 3 chose to spend it at the fair.

Sometimeswinning · 28/08/2024 08:27

SemperIdem · 28/08/2024 07:01

I don’t overly care, simply mildly intrigued as to why you’re so smug about what reads like a fairly mercenary, transactional set up.

Show quote history

Mercenaty, transactional set up? where did you interpret this? (Interpret on mumsnet can also mean any made up, completely over the top scenario that you just decide happens.)

Also where you decided I’m smug if you have the time (I don’t disagree there to honest) 😂

PurpleDiva22 · 28/08/2024 14:34

aSpanielintheworks · 28/08/2024 07:13

A few years ago my friend had two girls quite close together Every treat or trip had to be compensated by the one that didn't go. Even on birthdays she had to make sure the non birthday child received a gift. Christmas presents were carefully managed so that she didn't spend more on one than the other.
While they are well adjusted adults now, she stored up so many problems through their older childhood/teens as they became very fixated on money and entitlement. I've known her a long time and we've had many conversations about her need to treat them exactly the same.
My response is no, absolutely do not need to give money to the other children. Take them to a cafe or a separate day out at a later date. Spend time with them. Never make it about money.

My child's granny tried to start this for my daughter and her cousin. My daughter was getting presents on my niece's birthday just to keep it "fair". If they were minding one and brought them to the toy shop, they would buy the other one the same toys. It drove me insane, I had to ask them to stop.

Hawkerslife · 29/08/2024 10:58

Boomer55 · 28/08/2024 07:27

To be honest, I agree with you. As a gran of 5, I would have given the poorly pair their £20 each to treat themselves when they felt better. I treat them all equally.

Perhaps it’s just me….🤔

Show quote history

Mine are too and as a result my family doesn't suffer from any built up resentment. My mum literally has a budget for all her children and grandchildren for birthdays and xmas and she will spend it down to the pound, even if its transferring it to us via bank transfer to make sure we're treated equally.

My MIL on the otherhand doesn't know the meaning of the word equality and he two children are estranged as a result.

ByFirmPoet · 29/08/2024 11:16

The money was for the day, not a Grandparent pay-out.

There were additional costs related to the day, ice-cream, dougnuts, rides.

The kids not going wouldn't have those costs so no reason for Granny to give them the cash that they get to spend on a toy or something.

Fancycheese · 29/08/2024 11:18

Wow. Are there people out there that treat Grandparents like ATMs? I wouldn’t have accepted the money if they’d tried to give it to me if my children had been unwell. I’d just assume they’d go at another time. Insane.

MumChp · 29/08/2024 11:20

It's petty to expect the £....

stinkylionita · 29/08/2024 11:35

Absolutely no need to give the sick kids money. It was for the rides, drinks, food etc.

Imagine if instead of giving £20 to spend on rides, the venue had a £20 ticket price to enter and then free rides. Would you expect grandma to give the sick children the £20 cash that their tickets would have cost? Because it's the same thing.

And then you end up in a weird situation where any time granny offers a day out, the children have the option of saying "no thanks I'd rather have the cash".

It's a shame they were sick but they were so they missed out. That's life. I wouldn't expect another day out to make up for it either. If you're sick you miss things. You'll go next time there's a family day out. It's not the kids fault but it's nobody else's either.

ByFirmPoet · 29/08/2024 12:30

stinkylionita · 29/08/2024 11:35

Absolutely no need to give the sick kids money. It was for the rides, drinks, food etc.

Imagine if instead of giving £20 to spend on rides, the venue had a £20 ticket price to enter and then free rides. Would you expect grandma to give the sick children the £20 cash that their tickets would have cost? Because it's the same thing.

And then you end up in a weird situation where any time granny offers a day out, the children have the option of saying "no thanks I'd rather have the cash".

It's a shame they were sick but they were so they missed out. That's life. I wouldn't expect another day out to make up for it either. If you're sick you miss things. You'll go next time there's a family day out. It's not the kids fault but it's nobody else's either.

Yes.

And how about when Granny gives money for other days out or celebrations that have additional costs?

Granny giving money towards a prom dress, exam results, or a wedding dress?

Should the GDC who aren't spending the money on a prom, haven't passed exams or buying a wedding dress get that cash to spend or whatever they like? Because that's fair?

Then what happens a few years later when it IS their prom or wedding? Granny gives all the DGC the same amount of money again to make it fair?

Or does Granny say, well, you had that money years ago, you all got the same amount of money so that's fair?, or does Granny give more to the person who already had the money for a prom or wedding, because they spent it on not a prom or a wedding and then Granny has to give it AGAIN to that GDC, and then again to all the other GCs who aren't having their prom or getting married?

And then the same process happens at the next prom or wedding?

Grandparents aren't ATMs and they have no obligation to do things fairly all the time, because sometimes, doing things fairly as in giving everyone the same amount isn't fair at all when there are different circumstances on different days.

Fairly doesn't mean equitable, and that's important here. There's nothing fair about everyone being treated the same, because it often isn't fair. Equitable treatment is more appropriate.

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