Treating grand children fairly?

[Tryintoparent]

MIL has 5 grandchildren in total. A day out was planned to a funfair for all of them.
Two of the grand kids were unwell on the day so couldn’t go.
MIL gave the 3 ‘well’ children £20 each to spend at the funfair. The question is, should she have given £20 to the other two as well who were unwell?

YABU - she shouldn’t have given the two unwell kids money as it was given to spend at the fair.

YANBU - all of the kids should’ve been treated the same and all given £20 each

Absolutely not. I hate that way of thinking. It was very nice of MIL to give money for rides etc, no she absolutely shouldn’t just be giving other kids money to make it equal. If you think like that (which you clearly do) give your head a wobble

So your children are £20 short of the others?

This. Bloody cheeky to even think this. I think this is why there's so many strained relationships today, the utter cheek and greed from people.

The kids were ill, not their fault but your MIL doesn't need to make up for this.

No of course not!

This is reversed and you're my MIL aren't you?! She spends a fortune taking her grandson out (a theme park for his birthday last week) and then makes a snide remark to my husband asking whether he wants her to transfer the equivalent money to him for our children.

The difference in my circ is that my MIL never 'makes it up' with a special treat for my children, birthdays, or any other time of the year. She took her other grandson to the theatre last year at Christmas. Were my children invited? No. Did she do anything special with us that Christmas? No. She simply doesn't want to spend time with my children and that's where it hurts. It's not about the money.

In fact, she said to my husband on the phone last week that she's 'tired of all this equality'. Her exact words.

How ridiculous, the money was to spend at the fair.

If the others had been there, they'd have been given money to spend at the fair too.

They weren't at the fair so they didn't need money for rides etc, end of story.

This!! It doesn't always even itself out when my MIL doesn't do anything with my kids. Instead, I hear about all the lovely days out she's been on with her other grandson and have to pretend how wonderful it is. If anything is mentioned we're grabby. It's toxic bullshit.

Do you like your MIL?

No! They're not entitled to anything.

Granny will, I'm sure, have some time with the two kids who missed out another time.

Yabu,

But surely what is not fair here is the lack of time/experiences with granny not the money. And OP granny wanted to take them all - they just happened to be sick.

Oh absolutely, I was merely responding to someone else. In this case it's just unfortunate circumstances. If I was Granny I might have got them a little something to take over but I wouldn't have given them £20 each.

Obviously this.

Assuming the 2 ill kids are yours and your nose has been put out of joint. You're being massively unreasonable!

No good deed goes unpunished.

If she took them for a meal instead, would you expect her to order a deliveroo for the unwell kids to make it fair?

The money was to be spent at the fair, presumably to pay for rides etc. If the gran hadn't directly given them the money each she probably would have just paid the same amount out herself, but this way was fairer for the kids that were actually there, gave them a bit of independence and possibly taught them about budgeting. It's not like she took them out, paid for everything and then gave them each the money at the end of the night as well, which I could understand slightly more (although would still say its her money to do as she likes with).

Would you prefer it if gran had taken the kids to the fair but then not given them any money, so they just wandered around and didn't go on any rides or buy any food, because that way it would be fair (pardon the pun). The money was to be spent to facilitate the outing, the other kids weren't at the outing, therefore they didn't need the money!

Wow! This wouldn’t even occur to me. I bet you are a handful.

Ridiculous! Of course the kids who were ill shouldn’t be given money (to pay for rides at a fair they didn’t go to).

If you gave the ill kids £20 too, then that's got different unfairness. They'll still have the £20 to spend in front of the others.

This

It’s fair and we’re all happy with it. That ok for you?

I don’t overly care, simply mildly intrigued as to why you’re so smug about what reads like a fairly mercenary, transactional set up.

No. Not at all. It was money to spend at the funfair. Are you the MIL and getting stick for this?

My grandma had a shop and my much older sister would go the shop on weekends to hang out with her.

Sometimes me and/or my brother (we were 5 and 6) would go too. Grandma would give us £2 if we visited and if we didn’t, she’d send 50p for the sibling that didn’t visit.

Me and my brother never got annoyed when one of us got the £2 for visiting. We understood it was a perk of the day, not an entitlement.

If a 5 year old can understand this, an adult should be able to as well!

A few years ago my friend had two girls quite close together Every treat or trip had to be compensated by the one that didn't go. Even on birthdays she had to make sure the non birthday child received a gift. Christmas presents were carefully managed so that she didn't spend more on one than the other.
While they are well adjusted adults now, she stored up so many problems through their older childhood/teens as they became very fixated on money and entitlement. I've known her a long time and we've had many conversations about her need to treat them exactly the same.
My response is no, absolutely do not need to give money to the other children. Take them to a cafe or a separate day out at a later date. Spend time with them. Never make it about money.

Yep, I had a vision of her and her siblings lined up, eyeing up what everyone was getting and hands grasping for her children’s share.