Discovered 20yo son is doing coke

[Redthai]

Son is home from Uni for summer but working in nightclub in city nearby-has been there last couple years.
A message popped up on his phone when he was out the room the other night from a mate asking if he wanted to ‘share a bag’. Instantly made me on edge-I’ve known that a lot of staff where he works do coke but (naively) I never thought he’d be that stupid.
I know I’m going to be flamed for this, but I checked his phone whilst he was in the shower. More messages to couple mates making reference to drugs, pretty certain it’s coke.
I don’t know what to do. Part of me hopes it’s a phase and he’ll come out of it himself once he goes back to uni, and that it’ll make beggar all difference if I confront him, he’s an adult after all. But I’m SO disappointed, I just want to sit him down and go ’wtf are you thinking!!’
AIBU to hold off and see if things resolve themselves?

I’m not sure you can bring it up without admitting you snooped on him…also not sure it would help if you did tbh. Lots of kids do drugs, it’s typically a phase.

I would say something personally. Tell him the message just popped up. Make sure he knows the damage it can do to his heart.

I’m not sure what you can do or more, if you were to do something, what impact it would have. He’s an adult and I’m quite sure he won’t stop doing coke either because his mum scares him off it or because it hurts his mum. He’ll just lie about it.

Id be very worried too. But he’s at the point where it’s his life and he will hopefully make ok choices around drugs before they get control of him.

I’m conflicted. On one hand, taking coke is bad for a whole variety of reasons. On the other, kids do experiment and I know plenty of otherwise normal, thriving adults who occasionally do it. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to worry but not sure you should do anything currently.

I’ve posted on similar threads like this - zero tolerance here. I have two DSs - I’d be waiting for him when he comes out of the shower with his phone in my hand and telling him he is to explain what the hell he’s doing and consider whether he wants to (1) continue being funded by me at university or find the £5/6k himself, and (2) wants to live at home next summer.

I used to take loads of drugs at 20. I’m 60 now so l survived.

I remember going into DS’s house when he was a student. They had those plastic letter magnets on the fridge. They spelt Ketamine. I just gritted my teeth and said nothing.

Itms something they do unfortunately. I just used to say to mine, if ygpirw doing them try and do them safely.

I would be honest and say you saw the message. My cousin is a mental health nurse in highly secure teen settings. She has always been absolutely terrifying about how much of the psychosis she sees is linked to coke use. He needs to understand the risk he is taking.

I agree entirely. If you choose not to confront him directly then the very least you should do is leave images and articles around the house graphically evidencing the effect of coke on the face and body

I’m not prepared to say nothing. If an adult wants to continue living in my house then they respect my absolute disgust at the drugs trade and they have nothing to do with it. Fortunately both of mine think drugs are a mug’s game. They both know people who have messed up/are messing up their lives.

And this is as important as the exploitation of vulnerable people. I will not stand by and watch my DSs risk doing themselves some serious damage. Absolutely none of you who take a tolerant line can be certain that what your kids are taking is not going to have a worse than normal effect on them, or be adulterated and very dangerous.

He's 20. I'm totally shocked that you'd invade his privacy and check his phone. I'd not be admitting that to another adult. What a breach of trust.

He's 20. He's an adult. He can go live with his coke head mates.

@Hobbesmanc
So you are happy that he is funding criminal gangs who cause untold harm???
Fuck that.

No. I just think reading another adults private messages is shitty.

Tell him the message popped up and share your concerns

I’m with @Maray1967 here. If he wants to do Coke then crack on, but not whilst living under my roof and not whilst being funded by me for uni.

@Hobbesmanc
Do you? What would you do if his dealer came to your door and threatened to knee cap you for a £100 coke debt?

I think the best thing you can do is say you’re aware he’s experimenting with drugs and that you understand this is what some young people do and there is nothing you can do to stop him (because there isn’t). Let him know you love him regardless and if he ever finds himself in a drug related crisis you will be there for him - but that you have limits and boundaries regarding this, and state what they are. (Eg. You won’t tolerate him being high in the house and if his drug use interferes with family life there will be consequences, or whatever your boundaries are).
As a previous posted suggested, ask him to make sure he acts safely while experimenting, I.e. with friends who are looking out for each other. Know your limits. Understand the risks. I think there’s some good advice on websites like Talk To Frank.
My friends and I all took drugs throughout our twenties. We had fun with it and looked after each other on nights out. We’re all settled down now with families and are all well adjusted adults and we don’t take drugs anymore (apart from maybe a joint once a year on a camping trip!). Drugs can be very dangerous, yes, but dabbling doesn’t automatically mean a downward spiral.

Are you sure it is coke and not ketamine, which my DCs tell me is far cheaper.

If he doesn’t mind the slavery, murder, child abuse, torture, and sexual exploitation, that is behind producing that cocaine… then he’s not someone I would want living in my house.

Ffs like any older teen will even consider this

Show him one of the latest photos of Daniella Westbrook.

Thanks all for your replies. And yes, I get it, I’m not proud of checking his phone- if the message hadn’t popped up when it was sitting next to me I wouldn’t have dreamt of doing it, but make no apologies for wanting to check my son was ok or not.
im not sure it’s a ‘habit’ - he’s not showing signs of that, other than a lack of cash! I feel he’s been much more withdrawn from us when he’s been home this summer, permanently knackered and staying in his room, so maybe that and a chat about finances for next year may be way of bringing it up.
it could be ketamine I guess - I know nothing of that - is it bought in ‘bags’?

This is the most levelheaded response. My DP and I both experimented with drugs at uni and with friends in our twenties, had a great time but had a good group of friends that looked out for each other. We’re all settled with good careers, families and no ongoing addictions or health concerns. You wouldn’t catch any of us near anything like that now. If it was my child I would say you saw the message and want to remind him of the dangers of drugs but explains that you love him and will be there if he ever needs you. I would rather my child called me if they got into trouble rather than felt scared because it involved drug taking. If he’s otherwise a sensible and happy boy, I’d say he’s just experimenting and all will be fine :)

They do if they want to live in my house or be funded by me at uni.

It’s about not accepting crap, basically. Mine know this is a red line for me. I expect mine to have enough brain cells between their ears to understand the exploitation and damage involved in the drugs trade and to stay well clear of it.