Discovered 20yo son is doing coke

[Redthai]

Son is home from Uni for summer but working in nightclub in city nearby-has been there last couple years.
A message popped up on his phone when he was out the room the other night from a mate asking if he wanted to ‘share a bag’. Instantly made me on edge-I’ve known that a lot of staff where he works do coke but (naively) I never thought he’d be that stupid.
I know I’m going to be flamed for this, but I checked his phone whilst he was in the shower. More messages to couple mates making reference to drugs, pretty certain it’s coke.
I don’t know what to do. Part of me hopes it’s a phase and he’ll come out of it himself once he goes back to uni, and that it’ll make beggar all difference if I confront him, he’s an adult after all. But I’m SO disappointed, I just want to sit him down and go ’wtf are you thinking!!’
AIBU to hold off and see if things resolve themselves?

I would not mention the texts you saw . I would just outright ask is he doing drugs. Say you recognised some signs and you want to know the truth . Maybe they will maybe they won't. But if nothing else it may make them make better choices.
Give them the drugs are bad speech.
Ignore the people saying I did drugs and I'm fine.
Because all those that did drugs and are not fine can't share their experiences.

I knew lots of recreational drug users in my teens, 20s and early 30s. (Running the whole gamut from ketamine, coke, pills, speed, mushrooms, etc.)

Of drug-related deaths of people I personally know, all were those who dabbled in heroin and accidentally overdosed. (And of those, all excelled academically and were embarking on stellar careers – none were wasters by any means, and none of them were habitual daily users).

Another I can think of fell off a balcony while under the influence.

Never heard of any coke-related deaths, but I think in certain circles recreational use normalises drug use generally.

Yeah it all starts recreationally doesn't it? Until it isn't. Then before you know it, you've lost your job, home, access to DC, partner and mental health. I hope my DC will take one look at their uncle and say fuck that. Drugs equal misery, whether that's for the user or the poor people exploited in a multitude of ways by the drugs trade. Drugs are not and never will be allowed in my home.

Oh and that was all "just a bit of coke" BTW.

Um, excuse me?????? 😂

I am working class thanks and I was able to exercise healthy self control with drugs

The one person in my circle who lacked self control happened to be the most privileged (and entitled) person in the group, but their problem with drugs wasn’t related to their socio-economic status. If anything it just meant they could afford more drugs and had more rich friends to do drugs with.

or she stopped telling you

She lives with me. I don't really believe in the motto of "let your kids do whatever they want or else they will do it behind your backs". My house, my rules.

It's just an opinion as OP asked.

Worthless tosser

Sounds more like weed. Unless the terminology has changed since my day, which it probably has, coke and ketamine tend to come in 'wraps', weed in bags. It could also be MDMA, he works in a nightclub after all. In fact it could be almost any drug. Look on the bright side, at least it isn't alcohol.

Get with the programme. 3 for a 1er. Bags IS coke.

Then you're unbelievably naive to what a huge number of young people get up to!

I took a lot of drugs when I was younger, I grew up very poor. Everybody I knew took drugs. Everybody.

One thing I will say is all those saying that they would stop speaking to their sons or daughters at uni and cut them off. Be careful. I've a good friend who's family did this. He hasn't spoken to his mother in over 20 years now. She asks me how he is, where he's living, what he's doing etc when she sees me in the supermarket or out walking my dog. I don't really answer her as I know he wouldn't want me to say. She is obviously devastated but her action have had consequences.
I knew quite a few others who were cut off by family, almost all of them ended up living in absolute hovels as it's all they could afford, this changed their habits from a few pills in a club or a bit of coke at the weekend to harder drugs and daily use because they had surrounded themselves with that type of person. Alcholic friends who always have room on the sofa and party houses where anything goes, enablers of this lifestyle and people who just want somebody to get high with. They were all pushed deeper into this by circumstances beyond their control, it's very hard to say no and risk offending your host when you have nowhere else to stay.

Also I did take a lot of drugs and I'm fine 😂

I thought he just said bag which could be anything, if he's talking of 3 for a 1er then yes, it's coke.

I'd definitely say something based on behaviour change and the message. I've had to say to ds that he is at significantly higher risk of psychotic mental breakdown whatever he does, the family tree is lit up all over with it. In his case taking mind-altering substances is risky beyond belief. And the fact is that every bellend person who thinks it's fine to get regularly wasted increases the normalisation of it and the risk to people like my son. So yeah, I'd say something so that he knows it's not considered normal or OK in your house. I wouldn't throw him out though.

I had a drug phase- as did many people in their early 20's. I think a conversation about harm reduction is more likely to be successful than telling him to pack it in. Unfortunately it can be really fun at the time so not doing it can be hard if everyone else is! I really feel for you though because it is of course a massive worry x

Thank you all. I hadn’t mentioned ‘3 for 1’ to my knowledge-haven’t seen that and dont know what it means! Im starting to realise how naive I am around all this.
Fir info I’m not looking to throw him out, no matter what he tells me he’s still my lad and I’ll help him anyway I can.

Me too and thankfully my DCs are happy, well-adjusted individuals with great careers.

How is he generally? Our son developed a drug and alcohol habit due to not coping at uni because of ND. He hit a crisis and came home and is now clean, sober and working. His 20s are very different from mine and his dad's - we both left home and used drugs recreationally until TTC - but he needs a lot more support than we did. We're grateful we had developed the kind of relationship where he could turn to us when he was in trouble.
Many young people use drugs - whether it is problematic will vary with the individual and the environment they find themselves in. I think the main thing is to keep communication channels open, discuss the risks and make sure he knows you will be there if he needs you. There's no way you can force a 20 year old into anything but a non-judgmental pros and cons conversation re drugs is always a good start that will enable him to come to you if he is in trouble.

'Look on the bright side, at least it isn't alcohol'.
What!? Have I read that correctly!?
You're seriously suggesting drugs are the 'preferred option' when we have absolutely no fucking idea what's gone into them!? Wow.