Discovered 20yo son is doing coke

[Redthai]

Son is home from Uni for summer but working in nightclub in city nearby-has been there last couple years.
A message popped up on his phone when he was out the room the other night from a mate asking if he wanted to ‘share a bag’. Instantly made me on edge-I’ve known that a lot of staff where he works do coke but (naively) I never thought he’d be that stupid.
I know I’m going to be flamed for this, but I checked his phone whilst he was in the shower. More messages to couple mates making reference to drugs, pretty certain it’s coke.
I don’t know what to do. Part of me hopes it’s a phase and he’ll come out of it himself once he goes back to uni, and that it’ll make beggar all difference if I confront him, he’s an adult after all. But I’m SO disappointed, I just want to sit him down and go ’wtf are you thinking!!’
AIBU to hold off and see if things resolve themselves?

Agree with the poster who said today's drugs are nothing like the ones 'back in the day'. I work in mental health/addictions and the landscape is horrific. Including overdoses from tainted cocaine. A young man died recently in my area after doing a relatively small amount in a nightclub. And Ketamine may be fun for some but for others it becomes a serious dependence with physical and lifelong side effects. I would make this a red line OP.

in a few days/ weeks time just say look I’m going to be blunt I’m not stupid
its obvious be your appearance and the way you are your clearly dabbling with drugs
then leave the talking to him

@Redthai definitely do your part to try to stamp out the selfish and moronic "I did drugs in my 20s, it's totally fine" brigade.

Aswell as the damage it can do to him, it is very damaging to society.

Can't believe ppl are focusing on the reading private messages ahead of the drugs.
I was very vocal when DD tried vaping too. She stopped.

How to do drugs safely 🤪

My 17yo has been warned off vapes too. I hit the roof about it, tbh. Zero tolerance if he's living under this roof. Instead, he can have a drink with his Dad on movie night at weekends.

This.

I'd mention the change in behaviour as well as seeing the message pop up.

I'd aim to come from a place of concern and discuss risks.

It's up to you wether this is a hardline in terms of you funding him

If the phone was next to you when the message popped up then the starting point is not about invasion of privacy. I would tell your son about seeing the message and talk about it.

My DC know that I smoked a couple of joints at university but that it sent me to sleep so I stuck to alcohol after that. Nothing stronger. They also know that in those days we didn't know or think about drugs gangs and the exploitation of children. However we know about that now.

I'd have the conversation and share my concerns. There is the health and mental health risk to themselves, the waste of money. But there is also the impact on other's lives. They are supporting child exploitation.

Weed also comes in bags/pouches... personally I think it's better to discuss the safety aspects of drugs and have open, frank conversations, so that if there ever is a problem they can come to you without shame.

Same here. Astounding that some folks think you should let them do this, hope for the best, feel conflicted about reading their messages - all while funding them for uni and providing a lovely home while they bring drugs into it.

At the very least parents should consider that what their DC are buying could be adulterated and very dangerous.

I expect more of my DC. I will not excuse drug use as a bit of experimenting, and harmless fun. And if I thought one of mine was ignoring me and sneaking stuff in after I’d confronted him, I’d be searching his room and all his stuff in MY HOME.

Have you contacted the police?

Yes, this is DH’s view - he did a bit of weed at uni but stopped, and he’s made the difference clear to our two. They both know our views on the modern drug trade. On underage sex we’re all for no shame openness where they can come to us and get support. On drinking, pretty much the same.

On drugs, it’s a red line and a total ban. We’ve always been clear on that and the consequences for an adult living in our house would be tough.

What on earth

Will just add to my post that in my experience drugs were definitely not just harmless. It was very common for pills to not contain what people thought - I remember one night dozens of people collapsing from pills that turned out to be dangerous research chemicals. I also had friends who were given rohypnol and were assaulted or robbed. A friend of mine nearly died due to this. There are seriously safety concerns - addiction obviously, but also the fact that you have no idea what you've taken and are opening yourself up to be in a vulnerable situation.

Also, my ex had a mother who was very privileged and in the party scene when younger...he had never been brought up by her because of her serious cocaine addiction.

As a parent I wouldn't see it as looking out for my child's best interests to ignore something dangerous and not have a conversation about it. It's so weird that people are acting like a parent should just stay cool and stay out of it...that's not a parent's job.

But People taking an intolerant line can't be sure that you won't make the situation completely worse.

Similarly, I imagine lots of people on here who say "my children would never do this" actually had children who did it but didn't have a clue. Op wouldn't have known herself if she didn't see the messages. People can be very naive with regards to their children. Myself and my friends all did a fair few drugs when we were younger, our parents had no idea.

It's an absolute minefield trying to know what so do. Some people take drugs recreatiionally a bit when they're younger and move on, some absolutely ruin their lives.

What I would say, is parents generally don't approve and it rarely stops the ones who are going to ruin their lives anyway

I think this sums it up very well.

Sure. I will take that risk though.
I had uncool parents and am grateful for them. I stayed clear of drugs, smoking and alcohol because I knew they would take a hard line.
One can only do what one thinks is best.

I honestly don’t know one person who I socialise with or am acquainted with that doesn’t do coke.

Gosh. I don't know one person who does. But then we are more Goodness Gracious Me than Gossip Girl😁

There's the risk to his health which lots of people respond to on here, and which is I'm sure your primary concern but likely of little concern to your DS who at that age will feel invincible. Whatever you say regarding health and risks is sadly unlikely to outweigh the fun he's having taking coke with his mates. (I speak as someone who used a lot in my 20s recreationally).

What I wish I'd known is the moral consequences and human cost of coke use, the children and adults maimed by mines on the booby trapped coca fields, and all the other ways the criminal activity involved in getting a gram of coke to a student for a night of fun hurts and kills people who will never have the privilege to go to university. I think knowing this back then may have stopped me. Morally it's a horrendous drug with huge human cost. The rough figure is six deaths for every kilo. If your son is at all morally conscious or an empath, arming yourself with these facts may be useful. This generation care passionately about environmental issues and animal rights so I have hope they might care about human rights around this too if they have the right information.

www.theguardian.com/global-development/article/2024/jun/11/how-big-is-europes-cocaine-problem-and-what-is-the-human-cost

Most people can take drugs occasionally for a phase and come out unscathed. Others are genetically predisposed to addiction and will spiral causing a lifetime of misery for themselves and their loved ones. It's a massive gamble and the stakes if it goes wrong are really high. Tell him a msg popped up and you Susie r it's to do with drugs and that you have a zero tolerance and he needs a serious reality check.

I don't move in circles with those who do drugs. Each to their own.

wwWOW

That’s insane

Doesn't mean they won't accidentally overdose either.