Discovered 20yo son is doing coke

[Redthai]

Son is home from Uni for summer but working in nightclub in city nearby-has been there last couple years.
A message popped up on his phone when he was out the room the other night from a mate asking if he wanted to ‘share a bag’. Instantly made me on edge-I’ve known that a lot of staff where he works do coke but (naively) I never thought he’d be that stupid.
I know I’m going to be flamed for this, but I checked his phone whilst he was in the shower. More messages to couple mates making reference to drugs, pretty certain it’s coke.
I don’t know what to do. Part of me hopes it’s a phase and he’ll come out of it himself once he goes back to uni, and that it’ll make beggar all difference if I confront him, he’s an adult after all. But I’m SO disappointed, I just want to sit him down and go ’wtf are you thinking!!’
AIBU to hold off and see if things resolve themselves?

hi, I’m in my 30s now and myself and everyone I knew at uni experimented with drugs at the weekends. It’s completely normal. As we got older, got proper jobs, had kids, it all fizzled out.

if I’d told my parents at the time they’d have gone ape shit as they couldn’t comprehend that young people did that but now that I’m older I’ve told them all about the things I used to do and we can speak about it as adults.

you’ve crossed boundaries by looking through his phone and as long as he’s not coming back to your house wasted or neglecting his work, I think you need to let him be young and make his own mistakes. Just like alcohol, it’s not the substance that is the issue, it’s your relationship with it. If it’s just a bit of fun and recreational, he’ll grow out of it.

Ffs like any older teen will even consider this

Young adults are usually very empathic but I agree they may not link their personal drug use to the violence and death of other young people.

Op, is he going into his final year? Did he do ok at his last exams?

I ised to take loads at that age. It's such a common thing. I don't now... its likely not to be an issue

This is something many people his age go thru. As another poster said, it's very unlikely he will be put off doing drugs by you being angry with him about it. He will just lie. And the fact you went through his phone will put a massive strain on your relationship with him.
This is a case of having put in the work before hand. Chances are, if you parented well, he's from a good home, is a happy secure lad who has hopes and dreams and is engaged by life... he's probably gonna do thus a few times on nights out with mates in his early twenties.. then he's gonna grow up and out of it. Of course there are a few sad cases where young people who have come from great backgrounds and have nothing going on that you would think would lead them to that, fall prey to addiction and end up really struggling. But that is actually rare. Mostly young people experiment and then move on. And mostly people who end up addicts have a lot of other stuff going on that comes together to cause that.
I'd just keep fostering a good relationship based on openess and trust with him.
Anger won't get you anywhere here.. but if things do go badly and he does end up struggling then if the decent relationship with you is there he will quickly come to you for help.
But let me tell you that someone's mum getting angry with them never put a single person off drugs. It just makes them less likely to come to you for help. And itt emotional arguments do not make young adults listen to you. They will dismiss everything you say as nonsense because you sound out of touch and hysterical. It might make you feel better to express that anger abd concern in that way but it won't help him in the slightest.
If at any point you are worried this is more than just experimentation, I'd say you need to approach the conversation you'd have with him from a place of compassion and support rather than 'I can't believe you'd be so stupid'
And don't admit you went thru his phone. Just come at it from the angle that you've noticed a change in his behaviour abd is there anything he'd like to talk to you about because you love him and want to be there for him.

Lots of people try things at uni. Doesn't mean they continue, or have addictions.

@Redthai Yes ketamine comes in bags too.

Except for all the shit coke is being cut with. Like, stuff that will kill

.

I would say the message popped up and that I’m worried. I wouldn’t be angry, but I’d try and have a conversation about what the drug was, how often does he do it etc. Just because there are health risks, particularly heart issues. There is no point saying anything silly like you have to move out as he may be doing it at uni too, it’s very common there. And you really want to have lines of communication open so you can chat about that sort of stuff.

I took a lot of drugs in my 20s (and some in my teens and early 30s) and appear to be a functioning member of society, so don’t panic too much.

I can understand you are worried though, and you can certainly tell him you saw the message pop up and what is he thinking (I don’t think it will make any different though, so..)

It is terrifying as a mother, but it is normal uni behaviour.
It's likely to be a phase, trying it out, he's 20 and even if you give him some anti drug advice, he's aware of it all already and chooses to take drugs despite the risks.
I think admitting you've been through the phone will be very damaging for your relationship.

What do you hope to achieve anyway. If you say stop, will he?
I wouldn't have paid any attention to my mum's concerns about my behaviour at 20yo. And I'd have been furious if she'd looked through my phone.

Well yes, you could, but he’ll just hide it better, that is the thing..

I have learnt that it is only poor /working class who become addicted to drugs that’s good to know. Not middle class children.
He would be supporting himself, non of my money would be funding it.

Thanks all. He’s joining into 2nd year. He’ll be moving to a flat in 2 weeks. He has a heart murmur which is why I am so worried about coke. Could be ketamine though, that might explain the excessive tiredness!
Having slept on it, i think I’ll do as many have suggested, and have a chat based on his change in behaviour, say that I’m concerned. I’m away with work at the moment so won’t see him until Saturday so will chat then.

Ketamine is highly destructive to the bladder btw. I’m torn, I experimented at uni certainly. But then I did a load of stupid shit I wouldn’t want my kids to do, so that’s not a great yardstick! I think if he has a heart murmur it’s important to discuss it from that perspective.

He's dabbling/taking class A drugs whilst living in the OPs house.

Fuck 'breach of trust'! ! I think invading his privacy is the least of her worries.
I'd be more totally shocked about cocaine use

FFS

Thank god only the poor people become addicted like the famous working class Tara Palmer Tomkinson et al.

What lol?
I've known a fair few middle class who have been massively impacted by cocains

Cocaine

Loads of young people take drugs,including me and everyone I knew at that age. The vast majority of the time they will grow up and stop. I haven’t touched any kind of drugs since my mid 20s and have absolutely I desire to. Yes i would rather my own kids don’t do it when they are that age and it’s definitely not a risk free lifestyle, but doing coke at weekends doesn’t automatically mean they will end up and addict.

Off course you say something! You're his mother. If anyone needs to pull him out, call him out and give him a rude awakening it's you. He's 20 not some big grown adult man. I would be so furious too if this is what he is doing.

Really poor advice

I am zero tolerance on this. Would withdraw all funding. Would have zero guilt about reading private messages either.
But I am very much not into the MN parenting rule of " Adult DC can do whatever they want while parents butt out"..I am not a butting out sort of parent and I won't stand by.

Yes because looking at his phone is the bigger crime here. You know those people who end up as hardcore drug users, a total waste of their lives and you think where was the family. Why didn't anyone step in to help. Well I guess they were like you, being more shocked at looking at the phone and rather did nothing.

Someone might have said this already…. But drugs 40 years ago were not the same as now. This attitude drives me crazy, it’s so naive. Ask any mental health professional their opinion about drug use in teens and 20s. It’s never ok. And that’s aside from the horrific trafficking and abuse of others you support when you buy drugs - the whole supply chain is horrific and abuse ridden.

My children are younger but know how damaging drugs are. I’ve never taken any drugs at all, not even smoked anything. The temptation wasn’t there and although I was offered things, it wasn’t hard to say no.