To not have told my dd everything

[Happyface246]

My dd is going to uni. She sometimes has seizures if she is stressed, tired or overwhelmed. She doesn’t drink and is bed most nights around 9.30 as she gets tired really easily. She is under Cahms for an autism assessment. Unbeknown to get I have emailed the uni and asked them to allocate her modest accommodation ie for students who aren’t the partying type/who don’t drink. Her place has come back that this is the accommodation she has been allocated. I don’t know if I have gone the right thing - I haven’t given her the choice. Would you fess up and admit, tell her or leave it? She can move accommodation if she wants to. This was coming from a good place and I realise I’ve overstepped the mark.

It’s done. Leave it.

I didn't realise you could do this? Is this all Uni's? I didn't realise you could do this and now I'll be trying to do the same for my DC.

Say nothing.

You don't know that your email made any difference to the decision to put her there. And honestly, it sounds like you've done a good thing.

Say nothing. It will all be fine.

Never ever tell. You've done it for the right reasons but she might not trust you in the future when she really needs to.

As she can change accommodation if she wants to I wouldn’t say anything. This might just be a coincidence anyway and from what you’ve said will be the best accommodation for her.

Sounds perfect, don’t mention it to her, as you say she can move if she wants to and you don’t know if she was allocated that with or without your email. Leave it be.
Hope she gets on ok OP!

Leave it. I doubt very much the University is likely to say anything to her. Leaving it, will make it appear as if that's how the allocation went.

Tbh I very much doubt your email could be considered - their contract is with her, plus GDPR issues.

This wasn't very fair of you and it might come out. How is she going to manage independently if you've taken independent decision making away from her? What you could have done is talked together and get her permission to advocate for her and work together to make sure her needs are met. Is she getting support from disability services? I'm assuming that if she is awaiting assessments she accepts she may be autistic and has some support needs? I think the best thing to do is apologise and say you made a mistake and agree the best way to support her in the future

Ds is off to Warwick and was asked lots of questions like what time do you usually get up and there were time slots. He is an early bird, 5am here by choice. It asked what time do you usually go to bed, do you like quiet etc. I thought this was really good as they can hopefully put like with like.

Older Ds got a real mixed bag of people in his corridor (at a different uni who just allocate whoever wherever which led to a shitty first year for pretty much all of them. Some were early risers for sports practise, some were late night party people.

I think what you did is in her best interest. I wouldn't tell her, she might just feel lucky to be allocated that room in that flat.

It's done now but it wasn't the right thing to do.

This is a secret you will need to keep forever.

Delete your email from your sent folder, and delete the reply from your inbox.

and forget about it all.

"How is she going to manage independently if you've taken independent decision making away from her?"

This isn't a decision that the DD could have made - it's allocated by the uni. No decision making by the daughter has been affected.

Why would the uni take your email into consideration?

No, leave it. My son has epilepsy and is autistic and I'd do the same thing. His sleep massively impacts on his seizures.

Has she thought about bathroom access? She may benefit from a room with a pull cord if she has a seizure in there and needs help.

Your dd is an adult so I don’t think they would take your email into consideration. So don’t worry about it and treat it as a happy coincidence. I wouldn’t email the uni about her again though- it will be embarrassing for her

Not to worry you more but it might not even make even make a difference. I moved from a party hall to a quiet hall after spending the night at a friends quiet hall. I was bullied there and it was louder than my old halls and I wish I’d never moved but it was thankfully near the end of the year.

Also bear in mind that many people replying don't know what epilepsy is really like.

Yes I think if they had judged it a good idea to take it into consideration, they would have been legally bound to contact your DD and ask her permission first.

Once they are over 18, things like this get a whole lot more difficult (from a parents' pov).

A friend of mine did this and her DD was put in a flat with 7 International students from China who spoke poor English and didn’t communicate with her at all. I’d tell her.

I'm really curious how they decide it is not the party halls? Just being smaller doesn't mean they will be quieter. Even if all the students in them (or their parents) request somewhere quiet, doesn't mean it will be in practice.

Did you impersonate her? Unis deal with students not parents.
None drinking female only halls she’s likely to be in with international students from religious backgrounds.
I’d she will be isolated.

What uni accepted international students with poor English? That's shocking! My son's girlfriend had to pass a language test before she was even able to apply to uni here.

Wow.