To not have told my dd everything

[Happyface246]

My dd is going to uni. She sometimes has seizures if she is stressed, tired or overwhelmed. She doesn’t drink and is bed most nights around 9.30 as she gets tired really easily. She is under Cahms for an autism assessment. Unbeknown to get I have emailed the uni and asked them to allocate her modest accommodation ie for students who aren’t the partying type/who don’t drink. Her place has come back that this is the accommodation she has been allocated. I don’t know if I have gone the right thing - I haven’t given her the choice. Would you fess up and admit, tell her or leave it? She can move accommodation if she wants to. This was coming from a good place and I realise I’ve overstepped the mark.

Oho lots of Unis do! We have students from HongKong who come for a year, and there's a written proficiency test, but IME some of them really struggle with spoken English.

Are your daughter’s seizures medicated and controlled - does she need emergency medication/999 in the event of a seizure?

I'd be worried they'd end up with only international or very religious flatmates. Which could be wonderful, or could be a nightmare. Though that's no different to any group of strangers I guess.

However what's done is done so keep quiet

The tests tend to be in written English, not spoken.

I think when it’s time to start thinking about accommodation for the 2nd year, you can ask her what she wants, noting that (hopefully) being with quiet people has worked well. Hopefully she’ll make some compatible friends.

If she's grown up enough to be going to uni then she should have made the decision herself.

You could have discussed it with her and let her think it through.

Why is the uni even discussing this with you? She's an adult. Parents aren't supposed to be so involved.

Really? She was tested on listening, speaking, reading and writing. I find it hard to believe that's not the basic standard. The test she had to sit (TOEFL) is really widely used.

SDs flat was so quiet she never met them - the place stunk of weed - no noise no parties just weed.

This was 15 years ago so things may have changed since then.

But speaking good enough English to past a test doesn't necessarily mean having good conversational English.

I've just done a search, and all the most common tests for English for going to university seem to have all four components I mentioned www.thecompleteuniversityguide.co.uk/student-advice/applying-to-uni/english-language-tests

I think it was very unfair of you to do that. The decision should have been hers.

Cross posted. that's a valid point, but I would hope that being able to have a conversation would be very much part of the test! It's a very important part of the uni experience.

Ouch. Like everyone else I’d be really worried that she’ll be put with very religious and/or foreign students that will isolate her.

I would be amazed if the university had paid any attention to your email. My experience of having a young adult at university is that, as a parent, unless your daughter has given specific permission for you to speak on her behalf, or receive information about her, then you will be ignored/denied/hear nothing.

I was trying to book a family holiday, and phoned my daughter's course office to ask if she would be having exams/assessments in a particular term and was instantly told that it was up to my daughter to tell me and that they couldn't share anything with me.

Absolutely.

I just think what someone can theoretically do and what they actually do can be wildly different, especially if everyone else around them also speaks their native language.

I remember a few flats at university that were filled with students from Pakistan - they all just stayed together as they found it much easier, lol. Can't really say I blame them 100%.

You meant well but you've overstepped. I don't know why you didn't discuss with your DD whether this would be a good option? It sounds like she probably would have agreed with you, or the two of you could have done research together.

Also she sounds like she meets the definition of a disabled student, so she may have been prioritised for particular accommodation through that and that would probably have been a better route to go down.

The other students will know that the halls she's in is "modest" accommodation, even if she doesn't. She will likely get questions like "did you ask to be put there?" I think it's likely this is going to come out and you know best how she'll react to you making this decision for her.

@Happyface246 you should have discussed it with her and not taken it on yourself to do this, but @Pieandchips999 I disagree the outcome isn't the best one for her DD. Imagine being like DD surrounded by party people!!!

I would not mention it to your DD. Let her find her feet once she gets there. If she wants to.move, she can.

and also, if 7/8 of the shared house speak Mandarin as their mother tongue then it's likely that's what they'll speak, regardless of their ability to speak English during classes.

I'm surprised the uni accommodated your wishes w/o consulting your DD. I would have thought they would only do this if she has agreed for you to be her advocate.

Is your DD an adult? Only you say she's under CAHMS.

Loads of universities accept people with very poor english, because they bring money. I went to medical school and some of my cohort barely spoke English. It’s shocking.

She has just turned 18. The uni emailed me back saying that they were putting her in modest accommodation to comply with the wishes. I’m now panicking that I’ve done the wrong thing and she won’t have anyone to speak to. She does find lots of people too overwhelming and is better in 1:1 or small group situations. At parties she doesn’t really socialise and will take herself off. Her accommodation is next to the campus bar. Having said all of that I have spotted her taking photos of the bar menu - now I’m worried I’ve stopped her from becoming more social…

@Dibbydoos it might have been the right outcome gone about the wrong way. DD could have sent the email with support or possibly independently. And she might have been quite happy for OP to send the email but now OP has stressed herself out unnecessarily. There's also the possibility that she needed time to decide what she wanted and the choice has been taken away and she will be anti the arrangement on principle

Speak to your daughter and tell her what you’ve done and why you did it.
Ask her what she thinks about it and if she’s not happy then to contact the Uni and ask to move somewhere else.
Hopefully, she’ll understand that you had her best interests at heart.

@Happyface246 if she wants to be social at uni there are a ton of clubs she can join and she will meet people on her course. There will still be activities in the quiet accommodation surely? She also might not want to be more social and be happy as she is. I can see you are tying yourself in knots I would focus on agreeing what's a helpful way to support her. She needs independent living skills. Is she going to be far from you?

I’m so confused by this. Assuming not everyone has a mum/dad/carer who makes requests about their accommodation (which I find a bit weird in itself) how is the uni responding to this? It’s not as if they’ll have had a load of people saying ‘I want to be in a halls where people get pissed/do sport/love theatre’ and make sure students only share with like minded people. Surely the whole point of uni accommodation is living with others. Sorry OP, I can understand your concerns but this is just bonkers