To not have told my dd everything

[Happyface246]

My dd is going to uni. She sometimes has seizures if she is stressed, tired or overwhelmed. She doesn’t drink and is bed most nights around 9.30 as she gets tired really easily. She is under Cahms for an autism assessment. Unbeknown to get I have emailed the uni and asked them to allocate her modest accommodation ie for students who aren’t the partying type/who don’t drink. Her place has come back that this is the accommodation she has been allocated. I don’t know if I have gone the right thing - I haven’t given her the choice. Would you fess up and admit, tell her or leave it? She can move accommodation if she wants to. This was coming from a good place and I realise I’ve overstepped the mark.

She’s an adult. I appreciate you’ve done it from a place of care but it’s an outrageous overstep.

she’ll also almost certainly find out. “Modest accommodation” tends to be oversubscribed and needs to be specifically requested (for posters not familiar this is accomodation that is set aside to accommodate primarily those who want a no alcohol environment) and it will quickly become apparent that she has been placed there deliberately.

Sussex accept tons! It's very lucrative for the university, as international students pay more.

I asked the uni to do similar for me because of my anxiety and not being partying type, I asked to go in halls which only had 5 people per flat rather than up to 15!!!

My parents suggested it and I got a doctors note to back me up. They didn’t go behind my back and do it. I’d have been devastated if they did.

I can well believe the doctors comments. DS has an epilepsy diagnosis from a neurologist and receives care from a neurology centre and yet we still get the odd shit comments and treatment from A&E doctors. I really worry about him at uni, having to navigate this without an advocate.
"Pseudo seizures" is a term that shouldn't be used now. Non epileptic seizure disorders are as involuntary as epilepsy and are not fake in any way.
The older I get, the less faith I have in the medical profession.
A friends son was diagnosed with epilepsy whilst he was at med school - he was bullied horribly by his peers - these are our future doctors.

I have had epilepsy training from an excellent neurology nurse and I wouldn’t use that term - it was in a book by an A + E doctor. I think epilepsy training should be mandatory for HE providers.

I don’t know if you’re aware but you can apply for Disabled Students’ Allowance if your DS would agree.
https://epilepsysociety.org.uk/living-epilepsy/young-people/university/practicalities-going-university

Disabled Students’ Allowance is also available for autistic students, who can have a mentor and a tutor separately from the university, funded by Student Finance England (not a loan).

Thank you for all your advice. I’ve spoken to my dd this afternoon and told her what I’ve done. She was very understanding and we be composed an email together to the accommodation office. Lesson learned.

Well done OP

You realise that 'modest' accommodation is basically provided to isolate observant Jewish and Muslim girls? Probably mostly Muslim. I intend no criticism of these beliefs. Just a heads-up.

yes but it seems very likely that it was allocated by the uni because OP specifically requested it. Otherwise they wouldn't have bothered emailing her back to confirm it, they would just say 'we can only act on preferences from the student themselves, not their parent,' or whatever.

Obviously we don't know that for definite (and to me it seems very odd they would do that without consulting the student themselves) but OP clearly think it's the case, and tbh I would imagine that most students would otherwise have been put in 'normal' housing unless they made a specific request.

They aren't going to randomly put any student into 'quiet' housing because once you get one or two students who don't want to be there, and decide to make as much noise as they want, it stops being quiet housing!

So yes, the decision whether to request 'quiet' housing or not has been taken out of the DD's hands. While the final decision would have been the accommodation team's, realistically most people would just automatically go to the standard housing unless a specific request had been made, so if OP hadn't emailed it's more likely than not the DD wouldn't have been allocated that space.

She's an adult so I daresay the Uni wouldn't have acted on your behalf/request anyway as it is not within their AOR to do.

Glad to hear this update

Just to add - don't beat yourself up as you did this for your daughter with love and care!

If this actually happened, don't ever tell her.

Always the best way @Happyface246 rather than turn it into a massive thing between you. I'm still curious how they followed your wishes unless she was 17 at the time but glad it worked out.

Wouldn’t she have had to fill in an options form, putting her choices down (usually about 7 or so options). What options did she choose? They would have sent her (direct) the results of her halls based on that form (if it was her firm choice).