To not have told my dd everything

[Happyface246]

My dd is going to uni. She sometimes has seizures if she is stressed, tired or overwhelmed. She doesn’t drink and is bed most nights around 9.30 as she gets tired really easily. She is under Cahms for an autism assessment. Unbeknown to get I have emailed the uni and asked them to allocate her modest accommodation ie for students who aren’t the partying type/who don’t drink. Her place has come back that this is the accommodation she has been allocated. I don’t know if I have gone the right thing - I haven’t given her the choice. Would you fess up and admit, tell her or leave it? She can move accommodation if she wants to. This was coming from a good place and I realise I’ve overstepped the mark.

For me it was the fact that if she is overwhelmed or tired it can bring on a seizure. It’s not nuts.

I’m more concerned about the seizures and what will be put in place in case of an emergency. There is usually some warning of a seizure so a pull cord to summon help could be essential.

A friend’s daughter went to university with a diagnosis of non-epileptic seizures last October and passed away in her sleep in her university room early this year. Her death certificate said SUDEP although she had never received a diagnosis of epilepsy. She was living in quiet halls with mainly international students and didn’t drink.

The OP didn’t say whether her DD is medicated for seizures but this needs to be of paramount concern rather than her social life, sorry to say. Her parents want to raise awareness even if it means one family doesn’t have to go through what they are suffering.

My DD has finished first year in halls and at the start they were given questionnaires to help allocate slots.
I can see why you did it but it wasn't your place to do it.

There’s a big difference between passing a written test and speaking colloquially with peers. Are you saying if you moved to China at age 18 and shared a flat with six Brits and one native Chinese speaker would you really be lounging around the flat practicing your Mandarin skills?

I don't have kids of this age, but it's great that they provide such accommodation

It's not purely a written test.

And I was commenting on the fact that their spoken English was classed as poor - choosing to speak your mother tongue is totally understandable when most of the people around you also speak it. But going to an English speaking uni if you struggle to speak the language is a massive issue.

Actually there was a lot of noise in the news a few months ago about this. And a thread on MN.

I would tell her OP. I think it might come out, also she needs to learn how to look after herself: what to avoid in uni environment and what kind of things to consider, epilepsy is a serious thing.

Turns out the Times posted an article on this literally ten minutes ago! Unfortunately it's behind a paywall

https://www.thetimes.com/uk/education/article/international-students-cannot-speak-enough-english-to-follow-courses-vschfc9tn

I think you did the right thing for your DD, OP. At least, your heart was in the right place. I don't think I'd mention it though. She's been allocated somewhere quiet, which is a great result that you may or may not have helped with.

I suspect the university complied with your wishes because of your daughters medical conditions and universities having a duty of care, although I am a little surprised as your daughter is over 18 they didn't say she had to confirm. I can see why you did it, but it was an over-reach. I believe in honesty (things have a way to come back and bite you), and if you tell her I'd explain why and apologise, but I'd also expect her to be (understandably) angry.

DS is autistic and I would not have thought of interfering as they fill
In a form when they apply - asking if they want all girls/mixed etc. as others have said your DD may end up with very religious or international students who (from my experience and DS's) don't mix with others.

It would have been better to let her be with a wide mix of students and give her the choice and be able to form relationships where they would care for her from friendship.

DS had 7 in his flat and they came from a range of backgrounds and religions. He is still living with 2 of them in Year 3.

You need to tell her as she may be able to undo your (well meant) meddling

It would’ve been better to merely ask the uni if this was an option rather than arranging it for her without consulting with her. Then, when they confirmed it was viable, to have then discussed it with her as an independent adult and see if it was an option she wanted to request for herself. You’ve acted with her best interests in mind but if it’s not too late for her to change things, I’d tell her you’d been interested to know about the options and then ask her how she feels about having a quieter non-drinking place. If she doesn’t want it, tell the uni.

Which uni is it?

In my uni experience (2016) the quiet halls tended to be people who were religious or international. The international students tended to speak their mother tounge at halls (as is fair enough, it's exhausting to speak another language) and the religious students tended to group together by religion.

It might be worth speaking to your daughter and going to the uni together to speak about it and the different options.

It's worth noting that with her epilepsy she will likely be entitled to stay in halls her whole uni journey, whereas often unis only allow first years to live in uni accommodation.

Just a note on the ability to change accommodation. My unis accommodation was always oversubscribed and switches were done by putting a preference on the system and waiting for someone else to want to switch with you. In many cases this never happened.

I really do not think it was your place and I'm amazed the university have even acknowledged your email.

She's an adult. You cannot be emailing her university to handle things for her (or any employers btw).

You could have suggested she ask for quieter accommodation but you massively overstepped. You need to step back and let her deal with this herself.

Did your daughter fill in a form when she applied for uni about her sleeping etc habits? I went to a uni talk recently and was given the impression this happens and the uni chooses people with similar habits.
I would contact the sen office and ask what accommodation has she been given and particularly if its with overseas / religious students.
You might find if she filled in her questionnaire accurately she has been given the accomodaion based on her answers rather than your query.

I'm really shocked the uni haven't contacted your daughter about this and appeared to have just taken your word for it. She's an adult, it should be her choice, isn't going to university all about discovering independence??

Really, that's not helpful. If your friend's child died of SUDEP, then they were misdiagnosed and didn't have non epileptic seizures.
Non epileptic seizures aren't medicated. Problems with poor medical treatment is common however. My son has epilepsy and A&E doctor's attitudes can be woeful, he doesn't always have typical seizures and most HCPs can only recognise the main type. SUDEP is always a worry, there isn't much that can be done, other than a monitor, but my DS refuses one.
People's knowledge and opinions of epilepsy and seizure disorders are often in the dark ages, it's shocking, I read some appalling comments on MN.

My DC would have gone insane if they found out I had done this. I would have gone insane if my mum had done this when I went to uni. So if I was you I would never ever mention it. Think of it as your last ever act of snowplough parenting and take the secret to your grave.

I don't get how this happened without her knowing. Surely you looked at accommodation in person or online and talked about what would suit her. From how you describe the accommodation it may not be something she would ve opted for. How prepared is she for uni and how good are the plans to keep her safe and does she know what the plan is? Does she understand her own needs? I think this is not good and potentially will cause more problems. You need to talk to her about the allocation and if it'll suit her etc.

I disagree with everyone saying 'don't tell her' and from your post it does sound like you are uneasy about what you've done.

First, presumably she will twig that there is something different about her accommodation pretty quickly and question why, as I'd have thought most of the other students would know this was the option being picked for them or would have picked it themselves.

Secondly, even if being around non-drinking students would be good for her in your eyes and is a better match with her current lifestyle, she might be hoping to reinvent herself a bit or do things differently at uni. I appreciate this might not apply to your DD at all but just raising the possibility (personally my own reinvention plans suffered an early setback when my DM discovered that I'd bought some blue hair dye and packed it into my suitcase for uni... she was not amused by this).

Thirdly, even if your DD is really happy with this accommodation, is there a risk she will resent having been left out of the loop? Are you treating her fairly and laying a good foundation of trust for the future as she takes this big step and moves away from you? That would be my main concern.

My own DD is very young so perhaps I'll feel more protective and empathise with your position more by the time she is st the same life stage. I also appreciate that your DD clearly has needs that make you understandably even more worried for her.

Nonetheless in your shoes I think I would explain to her that you chose to help her get quieter accommodation as thought it would help but have now realised you made a mistake and should have given her the choice.

My dd would also be incensed if I did this. I would talk to your dd and get her to discuss it the university, ask who else has been allocated to the halls. You don’t want her to be isolated. If it comes up in conversation you can will have to fess up.

I get it. My dd has a seizure condition, hers is not so well known about it. Her heart stops beating. My dd would not like to be in modest halls and like yours, will also need to have an autism assessment but she is very sociable. I think a pull cord (mentioned upthread) is a very good idea and something to look into for my dd if/when she goes to university.

Definitely did the right thing. I wouldn't tell your dd. Had you suggested it she may have rejected the idea but then found it difficult if she ended up in a party house. Hopefully you have enabled her to have a good start. But now you have to step back and let her make her own choices

You were wrong to interfere and are not doing your DD any favours by not encouraging her to advocate for herself. Advise her to contact the university's disabilities team who can put in place appropriate support. Students don't need to be registered disabled, they can self identify or have long term health conditions.

That’s correct, the young woman was misdiagnosed. I read a book by an A + E doctor recently and was shocked that he wrote a whole chapter on so-called “pseudo seizures” saying that the people presenting at A + E were faking them and were time wasters. I really am trying to be helpful by suggesting that the disability team and accommodation are made aware and can receive training. I apologise if you found my comment unhelpful but I am trying to raise awareness in my own small way. I won’t mention it again.

My son is off to uni. He has autism and epilepsy. We spoke, together, about his medical needs with his epilepsy nurse, the inclusion team and the accommodation team.
His halls are the furthest away from the bars, and typically are quieter. However with his potential for social isolation, the university was keen to ensure he isn’t isolated.
We will find out in a few weeks time how he gets on. But the key for us is to discuss everything together. I can help guide him, but he has to become more independent even though it causes me anxiety, and make his own decisions, where possible informed decisions.