Grandparents don't seem to like my DC

[BackForABit]

I know everyone thinks their children are centre of universe and grandparents shouldn't necessarily have to match that level of enthusiasm but I'm feeling a bit sore that both sets of grandparents are just so uninterested in my children.

I have two DC, mid primary age and both are severely disabled (autism, learning disabilities, ADHD etc). I really understand that they can be difficult to connect with in a typical way and they are physically very difficult to look after (no understanding of certain things so they throw stuff everywhere and make lots of noise). However, I try to mitigate this by never EVER asking family to watch them by themselves, inviting over to our (adapted) house, paying for their hotels sometimes, etc.

I asked inlaws what dates they wanted to come see us in summer (at their convenience) and they kept saying "oh we'll sort something out" then didn't. Now I've asked about next half term and they have just ignored my message. It's been over a year (it might actually be 2 years) since they saw one of my DC and they saw the other one briefly for a couple of hours when I drove 5 hours to a hotel near them (to be fair this was for selfish reasons because the DC were driving each other crazy and I had to separate them). My own parents are a bit better but it usually takes a bit of pressure.

In laws don't ask for photos (quite the opposite), updates, nothing really. Just feel a bit sad about it.

AIBU just to stop trying with inlaws? AIBU with the whole thing about this?

I'm sorry, but yes I do think you need to stop trying. You need to stop trying while your DC are unaware of their attitude to protect them from experiencing the rejection first hand. Because no matter how busy they are or what's going on in their lives you couldn't make it easier for them to connect with DC, and even if they didn't want to in person, there's ways to show interest, messages asking about them and so on. They don't want to know OP. I'm sorry.

That's dreadful of them. Im so sorry.

Step away. Sadly they aren't interested.. Their loss op. My dc have no dgps at all. You can't force a relationship.. But imo no need to share your dc means more time for you with them.

OP, what were they like before each DC was born? Were they excited, interested, etc then, or were they just as they are now?

Your own parents - what were they like as parents to you?

I think it's not uncommon. Mine both have complex care needs too (learning difficulties, ASD etc) and the DH's family has zero interest. Only interested in the neurotypical and academically other grandchildren. I think it's common to just pretend DC like ours don't exist of there are a few more 'perfect' grandchild are around. My DC are fab. You cannot force people to have a relationship with them who do not want it. Took me a long time to understand but it's ultimately DH's families loss and not ours.

I think, sorry to be blunt, that they've made it clear they aren't interested in fostering a relationship. But I do wonder why you phrase it as "what dates they want to come and see us in summer" - had they given any indication they wanted to visit?

Sorry to read this, it is very hard and hurtful. Grandparents here are only interested in my neurotypical children and not my child with autism. We've stepped back now as it's not really fair they ignore her.

We have very similar experiences with most of our wider family and our two disabled children. The exception to that is my dad who is tremendously interested and supportive to my children/our family unit. I find it painfully heart-wrenching so I try not to think about it too much.

That's sad OP, I can totally understand why you are upset. It's two fold, a double insult. Your DC are missing out on a relationship with GPs and vice versa, but also your parents and in-laws know you are trying to raise DC with additional needs and are not trying to make your lives any easier. Even if they hated being around your kids you'd expect they would want to support you and suck it up a little.

Before DC were born inlaws were also fairly uninterested, rarely visited us - one or two houses we lived in they never even saw. I asked DH once if it upset him and it was clearly a sore subject. Despite this they'd say they are close, send soppy cards etc. I'll never forget one house we lived in, DC were toddlers and they hadn't seen us for a year or two and I found out inlaws were visiting extended family for a week about a mile down the road and they didn't visit us. We never spoke about it.

My parents were complicated when I was a child but involved and showed us love. They visited DH and me a lot when we were a young couple and the kids were little. I think with my parents they struggle with the disability aspect. My mum has helped me this summer but I have had to beg a bit.

YANBU to stop trying, they're not interested and that's sad and hurtful for you, but that's their choice.

Accept and move on.

It's very sad and unfortunately I don't think there's anything you can do. Keep your expectations low and do remember this when they start needing help as they become more elderly.

No they hadn't, this was me being a bit forceful. They would (very literally) never see us if it wasn't for me forcing them, arranging it etc.

Absolutely stop bothering , if the in-laws want an update they can ask their son .

I agree with everyone that it’s not uncommon. However do they have other grandchildren and if yes go they behave differently towards them? Are they interested in your DH and what does he say s as bout it? Some people are not very interested in grandkids especially if it involves traveling etc.

No other grandchildren.

what happened before the babies came along? there's something you have not mentioned because i truely do not believe that your PIL simply have no interest in their sons DC?

You can't change them, it's their choice. Stop trying as it only leads to continual heartbreak.

Then they're probably just trying to be wishy washy about it but realistically they don't want to visit. It's sad for your family but just stop wasting your energy on it/forcing it, its their prerogative if they don't want a relationship.

My in laws are totally uninterested in our kids and no SEN or anything. Just wrapped up their own lives (which are not busy!). Some people are just like that. If we go to their city they only want to have a cup of tea and make small talk and that'll do them for a year. No interest in the kids, or us! Been together 19 years and never even had a birthday card from them. We roll on . Their loss.

You need to stop trying so hard, it's clear they're not interested, it's sad but nothing you can do about it.
I'm wondering if they are finding it hard to accept that your children have disabilities and therefore aren't the grandchildren they perhaps imagined they would have. I'm a grandparent and I presume they thought they'd be having the kind of easy loving relationship I'm lucky to have, no bad or difficult behaviour, weekends having them to stay, taking them places etc, loads of fun and affection.
But it didn't turn out like that for them so maybe they've decided to deal with their disappointment by avoiding seeing them. Maybe they thought that having grandchildren would be delightful as it so often is, but they don't like the noise, throwing things and not being able to connect that happens when they see theirs. Maybe they see being with your children as a stressful upsetting experience, rather than a relaxing fun one.
It may not be right, but I can understand it.

I completely understand you encouraging them again and again to visit their GC - I would definitely have got to the stage of saying 'Tell me which dates work for you as I know you'll want to see GC'. Even if it does sound quite assertive, I would have done the same. Don't feel bad about that.

I'm really sorry that they are so rubbish. I can't understand why or how people can not be interested in their own grandchildren! It sounds like they were like this before your DC were born, and I don't have any advice except to say sorry!

They may not be interested in GC in general or the distance may make it less likely they can build a decent bond. Obviously it could be they are uncomfortable about disabilities (I’ve noticed this seems to be the case with some people, especially if it relates to learning disability).

It could also be as simple as they can’t be arsed with the racket and stress etc if DC are reacting with each other and they see this as “misbehaviour” instead of something you have no control over.

I wouldn't keep trying to arrange things. Just step back and leave them to it, save yourself any additional stress or upset.

Stop bothering.

Bear in mind that a lot of people of their age (and I mean women in particular) never consciously wanted to have children but it was the done thing.

Having raised their own, they are totally done and have no interest in children, whether it's their own or indeed their grandchildren.

I'm so sorry to hear this. Both sets being disinterested in your children is awful for you and the children - though for them, what they've never had they won't miss quite so much (I had a completely disinterested paternal grandad - he was widowed so I never even met my paternal grandma - and it only really occurred to me that we didn't see him when I was well into my teens).

Very upsetting for you, however. I would leave it - and to be honest, I'd want to go NC with them in your shoes.