Grandparents don't seem to like my DC

[BackForABit]

I know everyone thinks their children are centre of universe and grandparents shouldn't necessarily have to match that level of enthusiasm but I'm feeling a bit sore that both sets of grandparents are just so uninterested in my children.

I have two DC, mid primary age and both are severely disabled (autism, learning disabilities, ADHD etc). I really understand that they can be difficult to connect with in a typical way and they are physically very difficult to look after (no understanding of certain things so they throw stuff everywhere and make lots of noise). However, I try to mitigate this by never EVER asking family to watch them by themselves, inviting over to our (adapted) house, paying for their hotels sometimes, etc.

I asked inlaws what dates they wanted to come see us in summer (at their convenience) and they kept saying "oh we'll sort something out" then didn't. Now I've asked about next half term and they have just ignored my message. It's been over a year (it might actually be 2 years) since they saw one of my DC and they saw the other one briefly for a couple of hours when I drove 5 hours to a hotel near them (to be fair this was for selfish reasons because the DC were driving each other crazy and I had to separate them). My own parents are a bit better but it usually takes a bit of pressure.

In laws don't ask for photos (quite the opposite), updates, nothing really. Just feel a bit sad about it.

AIBU just to stop trying with inlaws? AIBU with the whole thing about this?

So what’s the setup on Christmas Day?

Oh, we stopped doing Christmas with any relatives years ago. The pressure for the kids to be normal was enormous. We can't even have a Christmas tree at home due to damage DC cause so why relatives expected them to be completely neurotypical for the day is beyond me.

Update: they agreed to come down to visit in the end, this half term. They would have had to book a hotel but pulled out last minute for "financial reasons" so it's likely they were never going to come anyway.

I think that really has to be it now, any more effort on my part would just be a bit desperate.

I think you’re right. If you make any more efforts just to get rejected again you’ll just get hurt again. It’s a very sad situation but not of your own making.

I’m sorry to hear this OP. I think there is a huge number of reasons why there are uninvolved GPs. I’m in that boat! Neither made a fuss on pregnancy.

Not much has changed since the start, both are happy to have us drive hours and visit but not come to ours (and we are 30 mins from mine and 1.5 hours from in-laws). No health problems on their end. There are no special texts, phone calls or interest in DD, DH and I - to ask how we are or can anyone help.

I find it weird and take what I can (paste a smile on my face when we visit). I know I will never be that uninterested in my DD’s children if she has any. I will be pretty obsessed actually!

So sorry OP this is heartbreaking. I agree with PP that you should stop trying because this consistent rejection is more painful than silence.

"Oh, we stopped doing Christmas with any relatives years ago. The pressure for the kids to be normal was enormous. We can't even have a Christmas tree at home due to damage DC cause"

OP - I think that it's very hard for people to like people who incessantly cause damage, even if children.
Parents' biological instinct of love pushes through that as it's stronger, but anybody else even other family doesn't have that so is much more objective.

I get that to some extent but also I did expect them to push through it a couple of times a year. We do absolutely everything we can to minimise the impact on other people. My in-laws were the same when they were babies so I think there's another component to it.

yes. The in-laws have never felt an instinctive bond with your children. Goodness knows why.

I'm so sorry, OP.
This is very distressing for you.

Stop engaging with them......stop inviting them and stop giving updates on your dc.

If they bother to ask why then tell them......because they aren't good enough people for your children to be around.

Well I believe it as my in laws hardly visited my children. My son was six weeks old before they even came over to see him.They only lived 10 miles away. Strange really as they were the ones who always went on to us to start a family. Little did they know we had been trying two years and had problems but we got there in the end.

About the dates, it's a way of extending an invitation. And I don't think it's unreasonable to assume that GPs want to see their GCs.

Many older people are just done with kids, in fact they may have been relieved for you to grow up before you had yours. It may be that your kids are more headaches than they like but unless you see them spending a lot of time with other kids it may just be they aren’t keen on children and glad to have moved past that stage in their lives. Don’t be sad. It’s their right to enjoy their “golden years” child free. I feel sorry for grandparents who are doing a lot of the work of raising grandchildren.