Grandparents don't seem to like my DC

[BackForABit]

I know everyone thinks their children are centre of universe and grandparents shouldn't necessarily have to match that level of enthusiasm but I'm feeling a bit sore that both sets of grandparents are just so uninterested in my children.

I have two DC, mid primary age and both are severely disabled (autism, learning disabilities, ADHD etc). I really understand that they can be difficult to connect with in a typical way and they are physically very difficult to look after (no understanding of certain things so they throw stuff everywhere and make lots of noise). However, I try to mitigate this by never EVER asking family to watch them by themselves, inviting over to our (adapted) house, paying for their hotels sometimes, etc.

I asked inlaws what dates they wanted to come see us in summer (at their convenience) and they kept saying "oh we'll sort something out" then didn't. Now I've asked about next half term and they have just ignored my message. It's been over a year (it might actually be 2 years) since they saw one of my DC and they saw the other one briefly for a couple of hours when I drove 5 hours to a hotel near them (to be fair this was for selfish reasons because the DC were driving each other crazy and I had to separate them). My own parents are a bit better but it usually takes a bit of pressure.

In laws don't ask for photos (quite the opposite), updates, nothing really. Just feel a bit sad about it.

AIBU just to stop trying with inlaws? AIBU with the whole thing about this?

If they think your lovely children aren’t good enough because they are disabled then you and them need to realise they aren’t good enough people to be grandparents.
My dad in law has been a useless grandparent and now he’s ill he’s full of regret but we have all moved on and we have fantastic lives - with people who deserve us.

It sounds like they've never really been interested, even before you had DC.

I think by inviting them and asking them all the time, you're just setting yourself up for upset. Just stop bothering.

I’m sorry OP, it’s really hard. Sometimes there just isn’t the connection there between grandparents and grandchildren. I have seen this many times with friends who have children with disabilities. It can feel harder to engage, harder work etc and some of the expectations of grandparents have to be shelved. It’s very hurtful for the parents. I’m sorry you’ve experienced this.

Do they understand and accept the disability ? I keep hoping attitudes will change but maybe the older generation still think they are just regular kids that you are 'spoiling' and 'bringing up badly' ? My parents were actually great in many ways with my severely disabled son but they never really understood it and were convinced I was getting anxious about nothing and it would all sort itself out

Stop asking them. It sounds like they weren't intrested before the kids came along either. Let your DH handle the relationship

Actually for full disclosure, a close relative had a child with severe ASD and once they got to about 2 or 3 my parents (and me, I was a teen) stopped offering to help etc because he was just really full on and they were in their 60’s and just couldn’t cope with him. They found it hard to connect with him because their go-to things to do with small children didn’t work (reading, brio, walks to the ducks etc). I feel bad about it now, but at the time I also didn’t want to have him to stay because he was such hard work.

I feel like it's a bit unfair to assume it's related to the disability if they never bothered before the kids came along either

I mean, I sort of get how they feel about not being able to do anything you'd expect a grandparent to do (I've had my own similar thoughts to be honest). I did expect them to just sort of get over it for a couple of times a year though.

Then please don't bother

It will only make the hurt worse - and you don't need to expose your children to that in the future

Very sad, that must be so painful. Take care.
OP, as painful as it is, you need to save your emotional battery and stop asking.
Sending you strength

But did you still visit?

I did expect them to just sort of get over it for a couple of times a year though

Yes. You'd think they would make a bit of an effort.

But they haven't, and you must be very upset about it.

I would stop trying, OP. The GPs don't deserve your lovely children.

I just hope that you and your DH won't be expected to give care to the older people, if they end up needing it.

Yes Severe ASD is very very tough going and I would never have expected my parents to look after my son - if there are no other GC maybe it's unresolved grief as they will hear other grandparents talking about what their GC can do and say and so maybe it's easier to stay away.

The problem with having expectations is you're the only one who ends up getting hurt. They weren't interested before they DC came along (by your own admission) so as sad as it is, it can't be all that surprising that they're still not very interested now.

Good point. I think maybe given how excited they said they were when I was pregnant etc I thought it would be different. When the DC were babies, they were actually OK to have us visit if we came to them etc, but since the disability is more obvious they don't even give us dates to visit (I always had to invite ourselves up though).

Fuck em it's their loss.

But why wouldn't they want to support? That is the truly painful part

It sounds like your DH's parents have no interest in him, so they're hardly likely to have any interest in your children.

Just leave it OP... don't bother... my ASD child has a non-existent relationship with my mother. My mother comes and visits other NT grandchildren 3 miles away and tells me how great it all was. If I want to see her, I have to go there. I usually go but don't make my child go if they don't want to go (they struggle with social situations).

Forget about them... surround yourself and your children with people who want to be part of your life.

It's not though, is it? They're not interested so what have they lost? It's OP that has lost, her children have lost and it's really sad. More so because it's so against the 'norm', grandparents usually love and want to see their grandchildren. That's not the case here and OP's living that realisation every day.

Lots of families just aren't that close.

OP says they barely had a relationship before the DC were born, so it's not like this behaviour is brand new.

Don't get me wrong, I totally understand why OP is sad, but I think sometimes it's best to just accept there's no interest and try and move on, rather than trying to flog a dead horse.

Yes we did. But visits were hard work. I mean, I am now an adult with my own children. I’ve visited lots of people with dc and people have visited me. It’s never as easy as pre children. But the additional needs was a barrier for my parents and for me at the time. (Just really didn’t know how to engage him/interact and he screamed a lot and was generally just very loud which my dad especially (father of fairly quiet children) found really hard. Actually even now, there are some things I find very difficult. Children who scream when playing (SN or not) is one. It wouldn’t stop me visiting and trying to form a bond with a relatives child. But I’d find it hard.

Spot on

No one related to the children is obliged to like or be interested in your them whether they are SN or not .However do respond to non bio people who do care and may help and are interested in you and your kids.Also whatever crap people spout about be kind etc many people prefer perfect kids who are ' normal' and that includes grandparents

I had my kids over 40 years ago. No disabilities, nothing. My ex in-laws weren’t remotely interested in them. In any way.🤷‍♀️

I just ignored their attitude. My parents were the loveliest grandparents ever. 👍. The kids didn’t miss out.

Some people just aren’t interested in their grandchildren.

Why do you still keep up with her?